It was usually a case of there was just someone they cared about more on another team. Sometimes it was like that. Between Leo and Eve on Snail, Choco on Sparrow, and Hunter on Mouse, we had to communicate what were the ways to go down the list, since matching up votes could also be important at times.
No one was particularly happy about that conversation. [He also took charge of that conversation because Raph and Leo both had Real Strong avoidance issues.]
But when it came to other teams, I just...wasn't able to really connect to people. Not that I would want to connect to people specifically to protect my team, it was just a very stark reminder that I really struggled to make those kind of connections.
[ Macaque isn't quite sure what to say to this. He's fairly certain that explaining how he'd like to whack those fools who treated him like something disposable over the head wouldn't be especially helpful. ]
I'm sorry. I admit that I don't see the perspective of those who couldn't connect with you very well, since I found it quite easy. So all I can do is promise that I'm not going anywhere, and I'll do everything I can to make sure you and Choco and Eve are safe.
That's because you get it. I connected to people like Hunter and Laios and even Adora really quick because their minds weren't neurotypical.
You're used to the loneliness and outsider and all those things that mean you can't see the world a normal way even if your brain chemistry was normal.
I don't really worry about safety.
Just loneliness. And really, that just means I'm going to be a danger than in danger.
--You think I get it? Maybe a bit now, but I didn't at first. I still feel like I'm just muddling my way through most of the time.
I just saw that you were worth my trying. And I've been around a long time, I've mostly gotten past my reflex to pretend I know everything. All I had to do was listen to you, and not get uppity when you say no to something.
Anyone who thinks you're hard to get is projecting their own insecurities. Nothing more.
There is always muddling when it comes to people. The question is does that middle align or does it result in huge misunderstandings that don't get resolved for months.
Or years.
I am hard to get. Not only did I grow up in a heavily socially isolated setting, it was with a group of mixed instincts between human and animal resulting in wholly different understanding of boundaries and social etiquette. Thank god for April because who knows what would have happened if we didn't have a squishy human in our lives before puberty hit and strength started multiplying. Not to mention television. It allowed for at least some understanding while all engagement with the outside world was done at arms length.
All of that makes it difficult.
And that has my approximately autistic brain on top of it. Approximate in that our brains are not a one to one comparison to humans so wiggle room. So trying to adjust in the moment is especially difficult for me to manage. I have never needed to mask or pretend and usually if I royally messed up and show no signs of regret and no signs of vindication, my family understands I don't know what I did.
But people will apparently just....sit on things for months when they're upset because they assume I do.
Instead of tell me.
Or worse, they think telling me will upset me and like...
Of course????
Of course it would?
I don't like messing up, of course I'll feel bad, but that's even more reason to do so? Otherwise I will never correct and it will get worse?
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[ Frankly what the fuck were those people on, Donnie's great. :| ]
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No one was particularly happy about that conversation. [He also took charge of that conversation because Raph and Leo both had Real Strong avoidance issues.]
But when it came to other teams, I just...wasn't able to really connect to people. Not that I would want to connect to people specifically to protect my team, it was just a very stark reminder that I really struggled to make those kind of connections.
no subject
I'm sorry. I admit that I don't see the perspective of those who couldn't connect with you very well, since I found it quite easy. So all I can do is promise that I'm not going anywhere, and I'll do everything I can to make sure you and Choco and Eve are safe.
no subject
You're used to the loneliness and outsider and all those things that mean you can't see the world a normal way even if your brain chemistry was normal.
I don't really worry about safety.
Just loneliness. And really, that just means I'm going to be a danger than in danger.
no subject
I just saw that you were worth my trying. And I've been around a long time, I've mostly gotten past my reflex to pretend I know everything. All I had to do was listen to you, and not get uppity when you say no to something.
Anyone who thinks you're hard to get is projecting their own insecurities. Nothing more.
no subject
Or years.
I am hard to get. Not only did I grow up in a heavily socially isolated setting, it was with a group of mixed instincts between human and animal resulting in wholly different understanding of boundaries and social etiquette. Thank god for April because who knows what would have happened if we didn't have a squishy human in our lives before puberty hit and strength started multiplying. Not to mention television. It allowed for at least some understanding while all engagement with the outside world was done at arms length.
All of that makes it difficult.
And that has my approximately autistic brain on top of it. Approximate in that our brains are not a one to one comparison to humans so wiggle room. So trying to adjust in the moment is especially difficult for me to manage. I have never needed to mask or pretend and usually if I royally messed up and show no signs of regret and no signs of vindication, my family understands I don't know what I did.
But people will apparently just....sit on things for months when they're upset because they assume I do.
Instead of tell me.
Or worse, they think telling me will upset me and like...
Of course????
Of course it would?
I don't like messing up, of course I'll feel bad, but that's even more reason to do so? Otherwise I will never correct and it will get worse?