castaside | Seasons Inbox

"If they did, I'd talk to my therapist. I'd say something to you or Red Son so I could have an eye kept on me. Or Wukong maybe. He wouldn't hesitate to pop me if needed. Just not keep it bottled up again. I did that last time and things went from bad to a shit show," Candid said, running a hand through his hair.

"Beyond that, I'd try to work through it. In a way that doesn't result in attempted destruction of the original. At least, if I can help it."

At least there's a plan. It's hard to ask for more than that.

"So what is it you want? With me specifically." This question is softer than the ones before it.

Candid is quiet for a moment. It is a softer question. Does he know what he wants with Macaque? Of course he does. But is he ready to try and get what he wants?

"I want to leave the door open. If that's even still possible. Because, if I go down this whole becoming my own person path, then I'm going to change. I'm not the same Candid I was before and I don't even know if I'll keep that name if I do this. And if I change a lot, I don't know where I'll be or you'll be when I get there. And I want you around while I figure it out. Because I miss you. What I want, the most, is for you to be happy and for you to be in my life. And if things can become like they were before, I'd really really like that but if they can't, I'd still really really like to be able to see you and talk to you and just be around you."

Macaque sits for a second and thinks about how many second chances (and more than second) he's been given.

"It's still possible. Not yet, but I won't close the door. We can see where things go, as long as it's clear that I can't afford to be in unhealthy relationships where there's lies going on. I can deal with a lot more as long as it's out in the open."

Candid feels selfish asking for the door to stay open. He needs something to work toward. He will make sure to bring this up with Sunset Shimmer too. Get her input on that. He misses Macaque so much. There being a sliver of a chance is something that Candid is clinging to.

"Thank you. ...I am sorry for using you to justify me doing something horrible. I warped myself around feeling good with you and used it and this expendable idea to think it would all work out. That I was doing a good thing when it was something terrible. I never should have thought about it but I did. And I didn't think of how you and all of the others would actually feel if I succeeded. Not really. I will be honest. I will try to actually live up to my current name better moving forward. Actually be candid."

"I believe that you're sorry. I'm not quite ready to accept your apology yet, because that depends on what you do. Actions speak louder than words and all that. And if I find out that you lied to me again, well, that's all I'll need to know."

"But people gave me the benefit of the doubt, a chance to prove that I could be better, and I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't give that to you. And by people, I mean MK. I wouldn't be who I am now without him. So you have him to thank for that."

Candid is quiet. It's fair that Macaque isn't ready to accept his apology yet. Not after everything. He has to show he means it, show he is going to do better. Still, his mind turns to sour thoughts when MK is brought up. Did MK really play such a big part in Macaque being who he is today? A part of Candid instantly wants to reject the idea but Macaque isn't going to be dishonest about that.

"Okay. I'll talk to him. I'll try to thank him. Next time we have therapy together."

Macaque can sense Candid's discomfort with the topic. All the more reason it needs to be discussed.

"Good. Because in listing all the people you hurt, you forgot the most important one, and that's MK himself. Of things are going to work between us, I think that's a very good place to start. I couldn't be with someone who was bitter towards my mate." He has to have priorities and that's a big one.

"I still care about you, Candid. I know you have had reasons to be bitter in the past. So whether things will work with you and me depends on how well you can turn that bitterness into respect."

The most important. MK, his mate. The words are heavy in his head and his chest. Candid doesn't quite feel like they hurt so much as remind him of reality. Ground him in a way that feels almost oppressive. Things he knew, somewhere in his mind, and chose to ignore and forget.

MK is important. The most important. The favorite. And he thought he could replace him.

And he hurt Macaque's favorite person because of it.

"Okay. Respect. ...I will work on that. Bitterness into respect. That feels doable. Not like immediately but doable." Because liking MK? That feels impossible in a way that definitely needs a long discussion or five in therapy to even begin to unpack.

Respect? That feels so much easier.

Macaque nods. "Respect. Respect for him as the mate of those you love. I'm not asking for you to respect him as your original, that's above my pay grade. Your relationship with MK is your own. But you have to respect our relationship with MK as much as your want him to respect mine with you."

"If you can get there, I can see things happening between us. At least a possibility."

Candid nods back. Respect what MK means to them all and what they feel about him. He is their mate, their boyfriend. He had wanted to change that but there isn't any changing it. Now, he focuses on respecting that and finding where he stands with them now. And with himself.

"You always help with I talk to you. Thank you, Macaque."

Macaque pauses a moment, then reaches over and takes Candid's hand and squeezes it.

"It means a lot to me that you'd do that. At least try it. And we can talk while you're working on it so long as you're honest and listen to what's important to me. Okay?"

Candid squeezes the hand back.

"I'd like to talk. And I'll be honest. No more hiding things. No lies. I'll be open and honest. Even when it feels hard."

"Then until further notice, we're good."

Macaque lets go off Candid's hand and opens an arm for a hug if Candid wants one now.

"For whatever it's worth, I'm proud of you. I know what it takes to come back from being an asshole for a while."

Candid smiles and moves in for the hug. He doesn't zoom in, through oh he wants to. He hugs him gently and snuggles some into his chest. He purrs at the words. Making Macaque proud of him is a good feeling and a powerful motivator.

"It's worth a lot. It's worth so so much."

"Glad I could help." He wants Candid to live up too the goals he just espoused for so many reasons.

He wraps both arms around Candid and rests his cheek on his head. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Candid says and snuggles against Macaque. This feels so good. So right. Oh he missed this more than he can describe in words.

"I will keep trying to make things right. No matter how long it takes."

"And I'll support you as long as that's true." You get a second chance, Candid. One.

It does feel nice to cuddle him, though. "What have you been up to, other than therapy?"

One more chance. He can't blow it.

"Thank you. Um, well not much really. The original leaves me up to my own devices mostly. I work at the bar. It's calming. Therapy. Guess I just do that mostly. I really need to get out more."

MK is so ridiculously trusting to leave Candid to his own devices, holy shit.

"What would you like to do if you could? Maybe we can make some of it happen together. All the therapy in the world won't help without some happiness in your life." Or so he's read/been told by Wash.

Oh there is a method to MK's kind madness.

"I guess I'm not sure. Going for walks. Hitting up the arcade in the mall. Going to check out books again. Been a while since I did that," Candid said.

"Would you do any of that with me?"

MK, what are you up to?

"I would. It'll be good for you to do things like that. And maybe we could have fun." Have you ever had fun, Candid? Really?

You'll have to ask MK. Either awake or asleep.

"Yeah, I think it will be good for me too," Candid rubs the back of his head and clears his throat, suddenly a little embarrassed.

"Innocent fun, right?" He has had fun before. Though it was the more hot kind of fun.

Macaque grins at him. "Innocent fun to start. No promises." But it's them, so also no promises that they won't fall into bed at some point.

"No promises. Works for me," He probably isn't ready to fall into bed with Macaque yet honestly. Maybe someday. Though when that day will come, and them, who knows?

"You're sweet. I feel like I don't say that enough."

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