That is a good start and something he does want to talk about.
"You're right. I can't do that. I can't hang all of me on you and my love for you. Doing that, I lost sight of Cole, of me, of your love for MK. It blinded me. And I nearly did something terrible. I almost took MK from all of you. Everyone who loves him so much. I made sure to hurt the people I claimed I was doing it all for. And the fact of how wrong it was entirely."
Candid goes quiet for a moment.
"I...know it will take time. A lot of it. But I do have feelings for Cole. And I think I am very much getting feelings for Esme. And I know I have feelings for Red Son. But I need to start that relationship over. As friends to start. And see how it goes. I feel like I need my own name before I do that though. We agreed he'd want to meet the person I want become. And I want to become someone other than Candid. If that makes sense."
Macaque's brow furrows for a moment. The others make sense since some of MK's feelings would transfer, but Esme? Isn't that awfully fast for someone who is supposed to be trying to get his head on straight?
--Ah well, it's probably nothing. Esme is easy to like.
"You hurt Red again and I'll hurt you back," he says softly.
"And I'd deserve it," Candid says with a nod. "But I don't ever want to hurt him again either. That's why I want to go to him once I figure out well who I am now. Now becoming? Something like that. And I find my new name. Then I'll know I'm ready."
That question hits Candid and he is quiet. He sips his cocoa.
"...You said you love me. Red Son said they couldn't love me or like me because of who I was. What I did. I guess if there was something to go on for us to try, before I'm ready for him, is you love me. As bad as I once us, you found parts of me you love and still do. And those parts I've nurtured and grown and am working hard to change the bad parts. Does any of that make sense?"
"If I did that, I know I right now would want you to. Because that would show I didn't change and I'm not worth the second chance I'm being given right now."
"It's not a matter of you being worth it or not, and you're never going to get it as long as you think that. Not fully. It's a matter of what's healthy for me."
"I think both those things are true. It is what's healthy for you and you always having the feeling of what if the other shoe drops and I hurt you or MK or Red or someone else you love, that's not healthy. That's not safe. And when I say worthy, I mean this chance, if I do fall short, then I was never really worthy of it."
"Funny, I thought that I got to decide what's worth it for me and what isn't. You can have your own definition, of course. I'm not about to argue with that."
"I'm trying to say...if I messed up after you decided I was worthy, then I wouldn't have been worthy at all. You do decide, of course you do. I'm just...floundering here, right now." Another drink of cocoa.
"Whether you're worth a second chance has been decided. You are. It's whether you're worthy of a third that would be the point of contention if we ever get there. Which I know that we both hope we do not."
"I was given enough chances that I feel confident about my position on this. And you know what trust it takes for me to offer it. So we're square on the second chance."
"That...thank you. That's what I was trying to get at. And fumbling all over the place," Candid smiles thankfully.
"I feel good being able to get this all out even if it feels hard for me. And I was getting worried there for a moment about things coming out in the worst possible way to give the worst possible interpretation. Self-worth issues are still at thing. Definitely inherited from MK and made my own in my own guilt filled way."
"You don't have to worry if something comes out wrong. I say shit that comes out wrong all the time. I'll always give you a chance to figure it out together."
"Also, guilt is only a bad thing if it leads you to be unhealthy. A little guilt could be what you need to stay on the straight and narrow."
"That all makes me feel a lot better. And I think this guilt is on the healthier side. I don't think or feel like I'm doomed. I'm just wanting to be very aware of myself. Make sure I don't start to slide without noticing it."
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Re: Darktruth Action thread
"You're right. I can't do that. I can't hang all of me on you and my love for you. Doing that, I lost sight of Cole, of me, of your love for MK. It blinded me. And I nearly did something terrible. I almost took MK from all of you. Everyone who loves him so much. I made sure to hurt the people I claimed I was doing it all for. And the fact of how wrong it was entirely."
Candid goes quiet for a moment.
"I...know it will take time. A lot of it. But I do have feelings for Cole. And I think I am very much getting feelings for Esme. And I know I have feelings for Red Son. But I need to start that relationship over. As friends to start. And see how it goes. I feel like I need my own name before I do that though. We agreed he'd want to meet the person I want become. And I want to become someone other than Candid. If that makes sense."
Re: Darktruth Action thread
--Ah well, it's probably nothing. Esme is easy to like.
"You hurt Red again and I'll hurt you back," he says softly.
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"...You said you love me. Red Son said they couldn't love me or like me because of who I was. What I did. I guess if there was something to go on for us to try, before I'm ready for him, is you love me. As bad as I once us, you found parts of me you love and still do. And those parts I've nurtured and grown and am working hard to change the bad parts. Does any of that make sense?"
Re: Darktruth Action thread
Candid isn't exactly on thin ice, but he's still on ice. It can still break open and send you into a chasm.
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"I was given enough chances that I feel confident about my position on this. And you know what trust it takes for me to offer it. So we're square on the second chance."
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"I feel good being able to get this all out even if it feels hard for me. And I was getting worried there for a moment about things coming out in the worst possible way to give the worst possible interpretation. Self-worth issues are still at thing. Definitely inherited from MK and made my own in my own guilt filled way."
Re: Darktruth Action thread
"Also, guilt is only a bad thing if it leads you to be unhealthy. A little guilt could be what you need to stay on the straight and narrow."
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"Oh that's so good."