castaside | Seasons Inbox

That might just be how things are. I might feel safer as time goes on. Same for you I hope.

You're not going to feel safer unless I change some things. I don't know what to change.

My kids say that they feel safe with me. But I don't think that what I do there will work with us. It's an entirely different kind of family.

I don't know what we are as family, so I don't have an answer for that.

I'll tell you a secret though. Something I only kind of made sure MK knows. It was easy to get close to you both once I knew you cared because I know that if you ever do I can't really do anything because you're much more powerful than me. So knowing you only wanted the opposite for me made things easy.

We might be kind of starting over, but I'm pretty sure that's still true. The only difference now is I know that you have a line so I know better when it's coming.

You knew that I could kill you easily, and that made you comfortable? I don't understand.

My lines can be moved, given a good enough reason. Which you are.

Well yeah you could kill me easily. But I mean hurt specifically. And yeah, knowing that you can but you want me to be okay helps. Because it had meant that I wasn't worrying about you doing it. Which I know is weird, but it meant I could focus more on us and what was going on and less on when the pain was coming.

Not the one with your kids. I've seen that one before. Others maybe. I believe that. But that one I have to move mine I think, when I figure out how to. I need to sort out home stuff somehow mainly.

I have hurt you, though.

I've never had kids to have a line with before, so I can't say that I'll never soften that position a little. It might evolve. I know that I have to put them first, but the rest I'm figuring out as I go.

What line would you possibly have to move?

It was an accident. You're not planning to again.

Putting them first isn't the problem at all. They need you.

I need to deal with the fact that kids always having the people that are parenting for them on their side, in basically everything. That's all. If it's expected that they do, then me not doing that is the weird part. It's the thing that makes me feel less safe and if I can work through that then I be able to eventually be able to feel fully safe.

Not planning to, but I can't promise that I won't do it unintentionally.

So you're saying that my relationship with my kids highlights what you've lost in your life? Something like that?

That's normal though. In general.

And no. I'm saying that knowing one side will always be taken makes me feel unsafe because I've seen been through all of the pain that doing that cause already. And if that's what's normal then I need to work on being okay with that. Not your actual relationship. That I'm happy with for all of you.

Normal but unpleasant. And in my case unnecessary at times.

I see. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do with that.

That's why you not planning to matters.

It's fine. That's why I have to figure it out however I can.

If it matters, I'm glad of it.

All right. If there's anything you need from me, ask. I can't promise I'll be able to do it, but I at least want to know.

If I think of something I will. Thanks, Macaque. For talking too.

Sure. Hopefully the talking will help at some point.

Can't hurt.

In that case, I'll talk to you soon.

I'll look forward to it.

Seasons Inbox

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