[ Tight shadow blanket hugs for you then, bud. He wants to reassure Donnie that the truth here is whatever they make it, but he knows that Donnie values truth a lot. He doesn't want to second guess that feeling. ]
Whatever the biological facts, you clearly love each other. All of you. That matters more than anything else.
[ Macaque just hums about the codependent thing. He can't really argue, so he doesn't. ]
We do. There are problems. We fight. We hurt each other. We misunderstand a lot.
Certainly codependency to the nth degree.
But we love each other and keep trying to figure out those issues. [A knuckle lightly taps on Macaque's chest.] Guilt and sadness and hurt do not counter it, just lives besides it sometimes.
I can't even tell you how much of a mess I'd be if Choco and Eve weren't here when I arrived. Just ten days at the Temple alone had me in a state.
Mm. That's what family does. [ Or so he's been told. Korone and Donnie are the first one he ever really had, but he's gotten enough of the idea through the osmosis of living in the world. ]
I can imagine. [ Everything he knows about the Temple absolutely sucks. ] I'm glad you didn't have to find out.
It does. You'll learn for yourself. You're going to be super haunted now, when multiversal distant isn't making it all muffled.
[He nods and presses his forehead against his shoulder.]
I likely would have made ill advised friends. On one hand, my desperation allowed me to become as close as I did with Hunter and Shiro. On the other hand, my intensity scared Shiro because I didn't know how to function without depending on someone else.
On a third robotic hand, it did push me to figure out how to fake empathy better because Robin's Egg was all very universally bad at it and someone had to help them and that was me for a while. So that is a pro and con.
I don't mind being haunted by this crowd. It's the unwilling hauntings that you've got to look out for. [ He signed up for this and no regrets. If he had any, he just couldn't connect, to his understanding. ]
[ He just holds Donnie and listens to him talk. There's a short pause when he's done. ]
You know that you don't need to fake anything with me, right? I like who you are.
Some can be worryingly pragmatic, but I think Gram-Gram is giving them a talking to in the spirit plane.
[Oh]
[Fuck, no, there are tears. He was not ready for the sudden validation.]
I-
I don't-
Its funny, really, I never...
I never faked until I was at the Temple. My family just...they knew how I was. They knew where I was good and where I was bad. Sure, when I was really messing up, they confronted me and we worked to figure out the problem, but usually I just had to put in the effort to show I was learning to get the point across. Even if I didn't get it right, they...appreciated that I took it to heart. I just had to try. I didn't have to do it right.
I never....had to try and pretend I was more capable than I was.
[ Poor Donnie. He thinks he's so bad with feelings, but never stops to think that the people judging him were worse. ]
Try not to think of it as good and bad. You're just you. And feelings can't be explained by science, so it's natural that you'd struggle to make sense them. Everyone does, really, at some point or another. I sure did.
Besides, you're one of the most caring people I know. If people can't understand how you show that, then screw them.
A lot of people would misunderstand. I can be angry or protective or pragmatic. I don't generally factor morals into my decision. I'm fully aware if things had been a little different, villainy would have likely been my path.
But...
I like people. I like making people happy. I like making things better. I would try so hard to do so.
[He chuckles weakly.] I had several teammates remind me that I should be charging for my services. I had put together a forge and I would often forget to ask for payment of making things. Usually I'd just tell them to bring me the raw materials. But it never felt like it really...did anything. Like it never changed people's opinions.
I wouldn't usually care, I just wanted people to be happy, but when how well liked a team could determine survival in games, it did...sting in a way I wasn't used to.
It was usually a case of there was just someone they cared about more on another team. Sometimes it was like that. Between Leo and Eve on Snail, Choco on Sparrow, and Hunter on Mouse, we had to communicate what were the ways to go down the list, since matching up votes could also be important at times.
No one was particularly happy about that conversation. [He also took charge of that conversation because Raph and Leo both had Real Strong avoidance issues.]
But when it came to other teams, I just...wasn't able to really connect to people. Not that I would want to connect to people specifically to protect my team, it was just a very stark reminder that I really struggled to make those kind of connections.
[ Macaque isn't quite sure what to say to this. He's fairly certain that explaining how he'd like to whack those fools who treated him like something disposable over the head wouldn't be especially helpful. ]
I'm sorry. I admit that I don't see the perspective of those who couldn't connect with you very well, since I found it quite easy. So all I can do is promise that I'm not going anywhere, and I'll do everything I can to make sure you and Choco and Eve are safe.
That's because you get it. I connected to people like Hunter and Laios and even Adora really quick because their minds weren't neurotypical.
You're used to the loneliness and outsider and all those things that mean you can't see the world a normal way even if your brain chemistry was normal.
I don't really worry about safety.
Just loneliness. And really, that just means I'm going to be a danger than in danger.
--You think I get it? Maybe a bit now, but I didn't at first. I still feel like I'm just muddling my way through most of the time.
I just saw that you were worth my trying. And I've been around a long time, I've mostly gotten past my reflex to pretend I know everything. All I had to do was listen to you, and not get uppity when you say no to something.
Anyone who thinks you're hard to get is projecting their own insecurities. Nothing more.
There is always muddling when it comes to people. The question is does that middle align or does it result in huge misunderstandings that don't get resolved for months.
Or years.
I am hard to get. Not only did I grow up in a heavily socially isolated setting, it was with a group of mixed instincts between human and animal resulting in wholly different understanding of boundaries and social etiquette. Thank god for April because who knows what would have happened if we didn't have a squishy human in our lives before puberty hit and strength started multiplying. Not to mention television. It allowed for at least some understanding while all engagement with the outside world was done at arms length.
All of that makes it difficult.
And that has my approximately autistic brain on top of it. Approximate in that our brains are not a one to one comparison to humans so wiggle room. So trying to adjust in the moment is especially difficult for me to manage. I have never needed to mask or pretend and usually if I royally messed up and show no signs of regret and no signs of vindication, my family understands I don't know what I did.
But people will apparently just....sit on things for months when they're upset because they assume I do.
Instead of tell me.
Or worse, they think telling me will upset me and like...
Of course????
Of course it would?
I don't like messing up, of course I'll feel bad, but that's even more reason to do so? Otherwise I will never correct and it will get worse?
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no subject
Whatever the biological facts, you clearly love each other. All of you. That matters more than anything else.
[ Macaque just hums about the codependent thing. He can't really argue, so he doesn't. ]
no subject
Certainly codependency to the nth degree.
But we love each other and keep trying to figure out those issues. [A knuckle lightly taps on Macaque's chest.] Guilt and sadness and hurt do not counter it, just lives besides it sometimes.
I can't even tell you how much of a mess I'd be if Choco and Eve weren't here when I arrived. Just ten days at the Temple alone had me in a state.
no subject
I can imagine. [ Everything he knows about the Temple absolutely sucks. ] I'm glad you didn't have to find out.
no subject
[He nods and presses his forehead against his shoulder.]
I likely would have made ill advised friends. On one hand, my desperation allowed me to become as close as I did with Hunter and Shiro. On the other hand, my intensity scared Shiro because I didn't know how to function without depending on someone else.
On a third robotic hand, it did push me to figure out how to fake empathy better because Robin's Egg was all very universally bad at it and someone had to help them and that was me for a while. So that is a pro and con.
no subject
[ He just holds Donnie and listens to him talk. There's a short pause when he's done. ]
You know that you don't need to fake anything with me, right? I like who you are.
no subject
Some can be worryingly pragmatic, but I think Gram-Gram is giving them a talking to in the spirit plane.
[Oh]
[Fuck, no, there are tears. He was not ready for the sudden validation.]
I-
I don't-
Its funny, really, I never...
I never faked until I was at the Temple. My family just...they knew how I was. They knew where I was good and where I was bad. Sure, when I was really messing up, they confronted me and we worked to figure out the problem, but usually I just had to put in the effort to show I was learning to get the point across. Even if I didn't get it right, they...appreciated that I took it to heart. I just had to try. I didn't have to do it right.
I never....had to try and pretend I was more capable than I was.
no subject
Try not to think of it as good and bad. You're just you. And feelings can't be explained by science, so it's natural that you'd struggle to make sense them. Everyone does, really, at some point or another. I sure did.
Besides, you're one of the most caring people I know. If people can't understand how you show that, then screw them.
no subject
But...
I like people. I like making people happy. I like making things better. I would try so hard to do so.
[He chuckles weakly.] I had several teammates remind me that I should be charging for my services. I had put together a forge and I would often forget to ask for payment of making things. Usually I'd just tell them to bring me the raw materials. But it never felt like it really...did anything. Like it never changed people's opinions.
I wouldn't usually care, I just wanted people to be happy, but when how well liked a team could determine survival in games, it did...sting in a way I wasn't used to.
no subject
[ Frankly what the fuck were those people on, Donnie's great. :| ]
no subject
No one was particularly happy about that conversation. [He also took charge of that conversation because Raph and Leo both had Real Strong avoidance issues.]
But when it came to other teams, I just...wasn't able to really connect to people. Not that I would want to connect to people specifically to protect my team, it was just a very stark reminder that I really struggled to make those kind of connections.
no subject
I'm sorry. I admit that I don't see the perspective of those who couldn't connect with you very well, since I found it quite easy. So all I can do is promise that I'm not going anywhere, and I'll do everything I can to make sure you and Choco and Eve are safe.
no subject
You're used to the loneliness and outsider and all those things that mean you can't see the world a normal way even if your brain chemistry was normal.
I don't really worry about safety.
Just loneliness. And really, that just means I'm going to be a danger than in danger.
no subject
I just saw that you were worth my trying. And I've been around a long time, I've mostly gotten past my reflex to pretend I know everything. All I had to do was listen to you, and not get uppity when you say no to something.
Anyone who thinks you're hard to get is projecting their own insecurities. Nothing more.
no subject
Or years.
I am hard to get. Not only did I grow up in a heavily socially isolated setting, it was with a group of mixed instincts between human and animal resulting in wholly different understanding of boundaries and social etiquette. Thank god for April because who knows what would have happened if we didn't have a squishy human in our lives before puberty hit and strength started multiplying. Not to mention television. It allowed for at least some understanding while all engagement with the outside world was done at arms length.
All of that makes it difficult.
And that has my approximately autistic brain on top of it. Approximate in that our brains are not a one to one comparison to humans so wiggle room. So trying to adjust in the moment is especially difficult for me to manage. I have never needed to mask or pretend and usually if I royally messed up and show no signs of regret and no signs of vindication, my family understands I don't know what I did.
But people will apparently just....sit on things for months when they're upset because they assume I do.
Instead of tell me.
Or worse, they think telling me will upset me and like...
Of course????
Of course it would?
I don't like messing up, of course I'll feel bad, but that's even more reason to do so? Otherwise I will never correct and it will get worse?