[ He pulls away to look up at Wukong, lifting a hand to cup his cheek. ]
Because old, dumb habits die hard. Same reason I never asked whether you love me before. The thought of any rejection from you makes me stupid, so I don't risk it.
--But I can reach out, in the future. If you're telling me that you want me to.
Yeah? [ Macaque nuzzles against Wukong's chest several times. ] That's incredibly nice to hear.
-- I'd suggest that you should pin me down in this nest and prove it, but I'm not sure my mood's there. It's definitely not you, it's everything going on lately.
It's a more extreme version of what's been happening for months, so I'm staying closer until he feels safe enough to leave the castle and doing what we've been doing for him.
[Wukong offers a half shrugs as he pulls Macaque to lay in the nest with him.]
[ Macaque curses under his breath even as he settles against Wukong. ]
Kiddo really needs and deserves to be okay, ideally without all the nonsense making matters worse. Or his own mind making matters worse, which is the bigger challenge.
Yeah well, I can only reset him when he comes home to the place he can start moving forward. And that's all I can do because he keeps coming home shattered.
How I am and how he is are pretty tied together, since I was there when he hurt Choco and right after, and I was there when Cole was in his coma, and I was there during that damned game. And one of his clones asked me to try to help him deal with his feelings and he said he wanted to, so I've been trying to do that, but...
[ Don't mind him burrowing into Wukong. ] Not being able to help him, or Cole, or even Choco in the way I want to, it's part of why I haven't been doing well.
So yeah, you know that I've been working on grounding MK. On him accepting everything that is him. And I've been working with him before you got here. I know he talks to you and Red Son more about the things going on with him than he does to me. He'll tell me the personal stuff so I can help him, but nothing else...
But...I've noticed that simple affirmations before and during those talks seem to have a more lasting impact than focusing on talking to him ever has. He'll bring up things on his own once he's feeling safe and reassured, and he's becoming more comfortable with being a monkey than before we started.
He...can't touch anyone else for now, but I think if everyone he's strongly connected to can find simple ways to affirm bonds and provide that comfort, his progress will stick more outside of the castle.
[ Macaque considers this, because it's Wukong saying it and because for once they're not bringing these things up in an argument. ]
I can see the point you're making, though I do call him my North Star all the time. I'm not sure how much more affirming I can get. I'll think on it.
The thing is though, MK and I have some things to work through and I don't know how much affirmations will counter them. He's angry at me for a lot of rightful and understandable reasons thanks to my actions in the past, and I'm angry at him for hurting Choco so profoundly and then not listening when I said not to go see Cole while he still had the seal on since I knew it would break him. I can... be as soothing as possible while we get into that stuff, but we have to go through it otherwise he'll never feel secure with me, nor I with him.
That's why I'm stressing simple ones. The hardest part is the lack of physical contact since he needs it and can't have it.
I'm not saying not to work through it since he knows one of the things he needs from you, but to work on affirming his place with you before and during the talks.
He enjoys simple monkey stuff. So for now, I guess just sounds, quiet togetherness, and maybe time in one of your...other nests without touching.
MK is an adult mortal, but even without knowing what he is he's always been almost childlike. Now he's dealing with new feelings and monkeys instincts. He needs the extra affirmation to feel secure. Like some of the younger monkeys when they tried to befriend you.
Right. I'll think on it, but there are other ways to express intimacy that don't involve touch. I've been teaching him shadow magic, that's tangible in a different way, maybe he'll be able to handle a bit of it.
[ Macaque's thoughtfulness gives way to sheepishness. ] Wukong, I'm not good at the monkey thing like you are. Sure I know the chirps, but I didn't grow up with a community like you did. I express myself best with words. I can try all that, but I don't know how successful it'll be.
--What do you mean he knows one of the things he needs from me? [ Hopefully this is one of the things Macaque and MK talked about, if it isn't then that's a bad sign. If there's something MK needs from him, Macaque wants to know about it. ]
That's a good start. What matters is that you're trying. You're a performer, you know show-don't-tell even if you don't fully do the monkey stuff. And you showed me how much you cared a lot back then.
[Another sigh.]
I've been trying to let you two do that on your own. But...one of the talks that we had was about his feelings and his jealous instincts toward you where he lacks them with me. And he realized that he feels like he doesn't have a part of you that...maybe not that's just you and him, but that feels special. Has he brought up anything like that? Not words specifically but something else.
I showed you how much I cared because I'd never loved anyone like that in my life and if I didn't show it I thought I'd explode from how much I was feeling. I was clumsy about it, but I tried my best. I can do that with MK. Maybe the effort will mean something even if the results are mixed.
[ And then Macaque looks confused. ] He told me that his jealousy had to do with how I treat my kids well, whereas Pigsy was always saying things like he'd replace MK or whatever if he didn't toe the line. The only thing he's brought up about something that feels unique is that he didn't want me to call anyone else "kiddo", which I agreed to.
We're never going to be able to work through these things if he doesn't tell me what he's thinking. It's a little frustrating, considering how very much we've been talking about him and what he feels lately.
I never had doubts back then, so if you'd said you were clumsy I'd have laughed. I still don't think you were.
[Wukong thinks on it for a moment.]
Maybe the affirmation will make it easier on him. I know as well as anyone how much he struggles with talking through things and feeling like he can say everything. Working through that is going to take him some time so I'm hoping that this will help. And...I guess now that you know, maybe you can find that piece of yourself that is that special place for you both. [He knows what his was, even if it did turn out to be one-sided and misinformed. It had been enough.]
...It was clumsy. If not, I would have known that you loved me and been able to tell you that I loved you. I would have asked what I wanted to know instead of assuming. I would have felt secure enough to verify whether your promise of forever was for you and me, or for the Brotherhood as a whole. I would have asked if the mark meant something special rather than letting my pessimism tell me that someone like you would never have wanted something special with someone like me.
I made a lot of mistakes. I'm so glad you felt cared for, but I talked myself out of a lot because I was too stupid and stubborn and fearful to open my mouth.
[ He nods. ] I'll try. I know that the spar with Choco went off the rails when he saw that she was using glamours. He was upset that I'd taught her and I haven't taught him yet. That example was unreasonable of MK, too be honest, since if he'd asked I would have told him why I'm teaching them glamours and it has to do with their appearances not being normal on their respective worlds.
It's not unreasonable for him to want something special for just us, however. I just need to think on it. I guess I don't have that many special things...
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Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
Because old, dumb habits die hard. Same reason I never asked whether you love me before. The thought of any rejection from you makes me stupid, so I don't risk it.
--But I can reach out, in the future. If you're telling me that you want me to.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
[ And since he's being brave, here, Macaque leans up and gives Wukong a soft kiss. ]
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Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
You look surprised. [ That's all he gets out before he kisses Wukong again, and then again, and then finally gives him time to answer. ]
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You're being full of surprises. Should I not be?
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[ He snuggles very happily against Wukong. ]
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[He rests his chin on top of Macaque's head and just feels him. Just is.]
There's never a time I don't want you here.
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-- I'd suggest that you should pin me down in this nest and prove it, but I'm not sure my mood's there. It's definitely not you, it's everything going on lately.
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Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
-- How are you handling it? I can imagine that MK is a lot right now, very understandably. He went through something extreme.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
[Wukong offers a half shrugs as he pulls Macaque to lay in the nest with him.]
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
Kiddo really needs and deserves to be okay, ideally without all the nonsense making matters worse. Or his own mind making matters worse, which is the bigger challenge.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
...but right now is about you.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
[ Don't mind him burrowing into Wukong. ] Not being able to help him, or Cole, or even Choco in the way I want to, it's part of why I haven't been doing well.
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The thing is, I think you can help MK more. But I was trying to take care of you before I asked you for help.
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You think I can help him? I've been trying to and he really fights me on it sometimes. Or rather than dark side of his mind does.
--And you are taking care of me. Your presence is soothing.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
So yeah, you know that I've been working on grounding MK. On him accepting everything that is him. And I've been working with him before you got here. I know he talks to you and Red Son more about the things going on with him than he does to me. He'll tell me the personal stuff so I can help him, but nothing else...
But...I've noticed that simple affirmations before and during those talks seem to have a more lasting impact than focusing on talking to him ever has. He'll bring up things on his own once he's feeling safe and reassured, and he's becoming more comfortable with being a monkey than before we started.
He...can't touch anyone else for now, but I think if everyone he's strongly connected to can find simple ways to affirm bonds and provide that comfort, his progress will stick more outside of the castle.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
I can see the point you're making, though I do call him my North Star all the time. I'm not sure how much more affirming I can get. I'll think on it.
The thing is though, MK and I have some things to work through and I don't know how much affirmations will counter them. He's angry at me for a lot of rightful and understandable reasons thanks to my actions in the past, and I'm angry at him for hurting Choco so profoundly and then not listening when I said not to go see Cole while he still had the seal on since I knew it would break him. I can... be as soothing as possible while we get into that stuff, but we have to go through it otherwise he'll never feel secure with me, nor I with him.
If you have any ideas...
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
I'm not saying not to work through it since he knows one of the things he needs from you, but to work on affirming his place with you before and during the talks.
He enjoys simple monkey stuff. So for now, I guess just sounds, quiet togetherness, and maybe time in one of your...other nests without touching.
MK is an adult mortal, but even without knowing what he is he's always been almost childlike. Now he's dealing with new feelings and monkeys instincts. He needs the extra affirmation to feel secure. Like some of the younger monkeys when they tried to befriend you.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
[ Macaque's thoughtfulness gives way to sheepishness. ] Wukong, I'm not good at the monkey thing like you are. Sure I know the chirps, but I didn't grow up with a community like you did. I express myself best with words. I can try all that, but I don't know how successful it'll be.
--What do you mean he knows one of the things he needs from me? [ Hopefully this is one of the things Macaque and MK talked about, if it isn't then that's a bad sign. If there's something MK needs from him, Macaque wants to know about it. ]
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
[Another sigh.]
I've been trying to let you two do that on your own. But...one of the talks that we had was about his feelings and his jealous instincts toward you where he lacks them with me. And he realized that he feels like he doesn't have a part of you that...maybe not that's just you and him, but that feels special. Has he brought up anything like that? Not words specifically but something else.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
[ And then Macaque looks confused. ] He told me that his jealousy had to do with how I treat my kids well, whereas Pigsy was always saying things like he'd replace MK or whatever if he didn't toe the line. The only thing he's brought up about something that feels unique is that he didn't want me to call anyone else "kiddo", which I agreed to.
We're never going to be able to work through these things if he doesn't tell me what he's thinking. It's a little frustrating, considering how very much we've been talking about him and what he feels lately.
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
[Wukong thinks on it for a moment.]
Maybe the affirmation will make it easier on him. I know as well as anyone how much he struggles with talking through things and feeling like he can say everything. Working through that is going to take him some time so I'm hoping that this will help. And...I guess now that you know, maybe you can find that piece of yourself that is that special place for you both. [He knows what his was, even if it did turn out to be one-sided and misinformed. It had been enough.]
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
I made a lot of mistakes. I'm so glad you felt cared for, but I talked myself out of a lot because I was too stupid and stubborn and fearful to open my mouth.
[ He nods. ] I'll try. I know that the spar with Choco went off the rails when he saw that she was using glamours. He was upset that I'd taught her and I haven't taught him yet. That example was unreasonable of MK, too be honest, since if he'd asked I would have told him why I'm teaching them glamours and it has to do with their appearances not being normal on their respective worlds.
It's not unreasonable for him to want something special for just us, however. I just need to think on it. I guess I don't have that many special things...
Re: Voice - Two Days Post-Red Son Talk
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