Macaque hears that heart rate jump and immediately softens.
"Hey," he says, leaning in close, "you're no going to do anything that will chase me off. It's all right if you say things that are hard to hear. You're my mate now. That's not something either of us would do lightly." No freaking out because Macaque has his dumb overemotional bullshit happening.
He understands why Lucifer gets a little freaked about thinking he misstepped. But Macaque isn't going to leave him, at least not by his choice.
"I'm going to do my best. I just need to get my bearings. Think through where I went wrong and how to make sure I don't make things worse. I have a bad habit of doing that." Snapping when he should be compassionate.
Lucifer leans back in and swallows as he listens. Macaque can read him so well, he didn't even know that was the frightening thought running through his mind until Macaque said it. He nods and presses their foreheads together.
"I know you are. And thank you. I want to help but I also know sometimes the only way to help is acknowledge. I was...I guess I just wanted to give you words to think back on. That might help you later." He whispers and cups Macaque's cheek.
"Okay. Then let's talk that through just a little? Now or later. Help you work through it with words. So you don't spiral in your mind."
"You are helping. Sometimes I need to hear things that are hard. I just need time to process. It's rare that I don't need that time. Especially now. I'm a bit like a raw nerve at the moment and I want to be sure that I'm not going down bad paths again, like I did with Wukong." He knows how much he fucked up there, and desperately wants to keep the happiness he found.
The word spiral sort of hits him hard, and he finds his throat suddenly dry. Is that what he does? The same thing that he was trying to help MK stop doing?
Maybe it is. He just does it in his head mostly rather than in panicked words out loud.
"I know I didn't intend it, but my actions could have caused MK to be killed. It's not something I can get over easily, even with perfectly logical counterarguments told to me. Especially since I hurt him so much in the past. This feels like one more time that I hurt him, and there was plenty of evidence that I should have asked more questions and maybe things would have been different."
Lucifer is relieved to hear that maybe it's needed. That it is helping. He can see the word hit Macaque like a brick. He cups his cheek and traces the cheekbone with his thumb. Help him talk through it. MK could have been killed or suppressed or erased. Whatever would have happened if Candid had gotten his way. The arguments and logic can't erase the guilt and pain. He knows that all to well himself. But maybe helping Macaque confront it, talk through it more, will help.
"Maybe things could have been different, yes. Asking more questions. Pressing the issue. I guess I will ask then, why didn't you?"
Why didn't he? Macaque wishes that there was a complicated answer, but there isn't.
"Love," he says. "I seem to have two modes: utter devotion, or scorched earth bitterness. Sure I'll push a little, but ultimately I cave. I haven't found the way to the middle yet. And it's so hard to separate my feelings for Candid from my feelings for MK, despite that to me he's his own person. He's also MK. So I was devoted to the point where I didn't push like I should have."
"Same as happened with Wukong. I suppose at least at this point I'm sad rather than angry, but it's not really progress until I can challenge the ones I love when necessary, while still loving them."
"Love can do that to us all. Challenging someone you love can be hard. You don't want to doubt them. You don't want to hurt them. But sometimes, they need to hear the things that are hard to hear. And we need to be the ones to tell them. It is a hard balance to find. I think for all of us. Especially when sometimes those challenges can seem like you're pushing someone way, even though you are trying to pull them closer."
Macaque leans into the contact. It's nice to hear that this isn't just a him-problem.
"I have a fear of being rejected if I challenge my partners. Wukong was so different long ago, and I was sure that if I pushed too hard he'd boot me out of his nest and his life. And he always ignored my concerns anyway. With MK, when I challenge him, he spirals. Or at least he did, he seems to be more even-keeled since he went home and returned. But his spiraling was so painful for him that I had to just stop the line of discussion. I guess that fear transferred to Candid."
"I have told MK this, by the way. That sometimes I don't tell him things because of the spiraling. And I still have the same habit with Wukong, but that's harder to talk about since now he's sorrowful instead of aggressive, and it's essentially my fault."
Lucifer keeps the contact. He isn't about to pull away right now.
"You can challenge me whenever you want. I will not reject you if you do. Perhaps you could ask Wukong and MK if you challenge them, ask them to confirm they aren't going to push you away. And vice versa. That way they know they can challenge back and it doesn't ruin anything. Those spirals sound painful to watch. ...Perhaps the same is true of Wukong since he went home too? I've noticed a difference with him too since he returned."
"MK seems better because of what he learned about himself. Wukong seems different for the same reason." Learning that MK was meant as a sacrifice and that he actually tried to do it and activated Wukong's circlet in the process has to be a lot. Macaque even forgave MK for that immediately... maybe he should have tried to talk that through first?
"I suppose I could ask them beforehand. At least that makes sure that they're in the right mindset for a real talk which could be hard. And if they're not, I'll know it sooner."
"...Lucifer, I truly appreciate you trying to help me and I value your input, but I want to make sure it's clear that I don't want you to be a therapist for me. I want us to lean on each other, not for me to do all the leaning and you do all the work. I realize that this is one conversation, that we're not in any danger of that, but I also know your role at the hotel and how things can become habit. I love you because you're you."
Lucifer knows really only MK and Wukong can define why they seem different. He is glad to hear Macaque is considering asking. To help with those subject and harder talks. His smile is soft when Macaque checks in on being his therapist.
"Fair enough. I'll do my best to remember it. I love you because you're you too, you know. And I know if the situation was reversed, you'd be trying to help me work my way through things. For right now then, since I think you have plenty to think about, do you want to just cuddle? Maybe kiss and stay close? See if a nap is in our future together?"
Lucifer holds Macaque and gives his ears a kiss. Then kisses his cheek and just pets him. He lets himself relax with his mate. Just holding him close and being here. Letting Macaque just be with him and being here with him.
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"Hey," he says, leaning in close, "you're no going to do anything that will chase me off. It's all right if you say things that are hard to hear. You're my mate now. That's not something either of us would do lightly." No freaking out because Macaque has his dumb overemotional bullshit happening.
He understands why Lucifer gets a little freaked about thinking he misstepped. But Macaque isn't going to leave him, at least not by his choice.
"I'm going to do my best. I just need to get my bearings. Think through where I went wrong and how to make sure I don't make things worse. I have a bad habit of doing that." Snapping when he should be compassionate.
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
"I know you are. And thank you. I want to help but I also know sometimes the only way to help is acknowledge. I was...I guess I just wanted to give you words to think back on. That might help you later." He whispers and cups Macaque's cheek.
"Okay. Then let's talk that through just a little? Now or later. Help you work through it with words. So you don't spiral in your mind."
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
The word spiral sort of hits him hard, and he finds his throat suddenly dry. Is that what he does? The same thing that he was trying to help MK stop doing?
Maybe it is. He just does it in his head mostly rather than in panicked words out loud.
"I know I didn't intend it, but my actions could have caused MK to be killed. It's not something I can get over easily, even with perfectly logical counterarguments told to me. Especially since I hurt him so much in the past. This feels like one more time that I hurt him, and there was plenty of evidence that I should have asked more questions and maybe things would have been different."
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
"Maybe things could have been different, yes. Asking more questions. Pressing the issue. I guess I will ask then, why didn't you?"
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
"Love," he says. "I seem to have two modes: utter devotion, or scorched earth bitterness. Sure I'll push a little, but ultimately I cave. I haven't found the way to the middle yet. And it's so hard to separate my feelings for Candid from my feelings for MK, despite that to me he's his own person. He's also MK. So I was devoted to the point where I didn't push like I should have."
"Same as happened with Wukong. I suppose at least at this point I'm sad rather than angry, but it's not really progress until I can challenge the ones I love when necessary, while still loving them."
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
"Love can do that to us all. Challenging someone you love can be hard. You don't want to doubt them. You don't want to hurt them. But sometimes, they need to hear the things that are hard to hear. And we need to be the ones to tell them. It is a hard balance to find. I think for all of us. Especially when sometimes those challenges can seem like you're pushing someone way, even though you are trying to pull them closer."
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
"I have a fear of being rejected if I challenge my partners. Wukong was so different long ago, and I was sure that if I pushed too hard he'd boot me out of his nest and his life. And he always ignored my concerns anyway. With MK, when I challenge him, he spirals. Or at least he did, he seems to be more even-keeled since he went home and returned. But his spiraling was so painful for him that I had to just stop the line of discussion. I guess that fear transferred to Candid."
"I have told MK this, by the way. That sometimes I don't tell him things because of the spiraling. And I still have the same habit with Wukong, but that's harder to talk about since now he's sorrowful instead of aggressive, and it's essentially my fault."
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
"You can challenge me whenever you want. I will not reject you if you do. Perhaps you could ask Wukong and MK if you challenge them, ask them to confirm they aren't going to push you away. And vice versa. That way they know they can challenge back and it doesn't ruin anything. Those spirals sound painful to watch. ...Perhaps the same is true of Wukong since he went home too? I've noticed a difference with him too since he returned."
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
"I suppose I could ask them beforehand. At least that makes sure that they're in the right mindset for a real talk which could be hard. And if they're not, I'll know it sooner."
"...Lucifer, I truly appreciate you trying to help me and I value your input, but I want to make sure it's clear that I don't want you to be a therapist for me. I want us to lean on each other, not for me to do all the leaning and you do all the work. I realize that this is one conversation, that we're not in any danger of that, but I also know your role at the hotel and how things can become habit. I love you because you're you."
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
"Fair enough. I'll do my best to remember it. I love you because you're you too, you know. And I know if the situation was reversed, you'd be trying to help me work my way through things. For right now then, since I think you have plenty to think about, do you want to just cuddle? Maybe kiss and stay close? See if a nap is in our future together?"
Re: Post Heart Game - Text
He nuzzles his way into Lucifer's neck and just relaxes and breathes.
Re: Post Heart Game - Text