castaside | Seasons Inbox

"I do understand that."

"But I'm also sitting here trying to come up with a single time he came to me for help and coming up empty. The only time I think I ever helped him was communicating with his big rabbit, and he didn't ask. He flinched, actually. But I did it anyway."

"Maybe we were just never as close as I thought we were."

"He flinched when I tried to touch him too when he came back. Something reset his touch aversion back then. Something that happened in his world. And he asked you originally to help him with his nightmares. To cuddle him when he was scared, right?"

"No, never. Again, I just did it."

"But in order for you to cuddle Cole, he'd have to start it. He was touch adverse when he got here. Like from the get go. I remember because I couldn't touch him when I flew his stuff and him home on the cloud when we first met. So him starting it was him asking for your help because he trusted you."

"He didn't start it. I sat on his bed and just didn't ask. And you know he's not touch averse after nightmares, even then."

"But he let you. I mean...I don't know that? I didn't cuddle him after a nightmare until after you started to."

"Well, he isn't. Wasn't. In any case, he didn't ask. Didn't ask for me to move in, didn't ask for post-nightmare comfort. Maybe he would accept my help, but he never asked for it."

"So you just moved into his home, his safe space, without his permission or anything? Like him going, I like having you here? I think this is a good idea?"

"Basically. His roommate had left, so I said I'd stick around. It was only supposed to be a few days."

"So then what happened to make it last longer than that?"

"I just didn't leave. It's not something we discussed."

"Would him asking for your help uh help how things are then? Hearing him ask?"

"I couldn't possibly tell you, kiddo."

MK thinks for a moment but realizes this might be one of those moments he can't help. So...

"Okay. Do you want to just talk it out and I listen? See what you feel after you talk more, if you want to?"

"Isn't talking it out what we've been doing?"

He sighs softly.

"I swear I'm not trying to be difficult. Nothing would make me happier than if Cole and I got right again. I just think maybe I missed my window."

"We are. I guess I got a little worried I was trying to focus on the help part and less the listening part."

"Isn't the only way to know that to ask? Either of you to ask the other?"

"I guess I just don't understand why I'd ask about something that was made pretty clear to me."

"I don't know. ...Is there a chance you maybe misunderstood even a little? That would open up a lot of like stuff that could happen, right?"

A shrug. "There's always a small chance of anything. Doesn't mean I think it's likely, and asking would be trampling on the boundary he set."

MK is just going to hug his mate and holds him because he doesn't know what to say to that.

Finally, something he can respond positively to.

Macaque holds MK and breathes for a long moment.

"I'm sorry, kiddo."

"I'm sorry too."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about. You were trying to help."

"I can still be sad about how things are you for you and Cole. It's sad."

"It is pretty sad." That much is accurate.

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