"Her memories are your memories, I think. At least it seems like once she got her memories back she was way too fucking comfortable with the situation to be otherwise."
He nods. "I'm not ruling it out. I've learned that talking can help a lot, but also that someone has to be ready. I'm not sure if I'm there yet." Which he knows that she can and will respect. "The boulders into pebbles thing sounds like him. It's a good analogy."
He does indeed feel her surprise, because he was ready for it. "It was close. And I'm not sure all the ramifications have settled in yet. I twisted the elevator shaft open too, to get to MK when he realized what his monkey mode did and started freaking out. So there was a lot, in addition to the rest of my feelings getting rebooted and rearranged."
There's a significant pause in his hands and his voice, and when he speaks again it's barely above a whisper.
"He asked me to meditate enough to give him the ability to use his monkey mode in my heart game. I was hesitant. But he assured me that he could control it, and I'd hurt him enough that I didn't want to come across like I didn't trust him, even though I guess I didn't. Not with that, not fully. And then that happened."
"It's just like the time you and he went to spar." The telepathy incident. "Right before, I was nervous about his control again. But I wanted to trust him. I wanted you two to be friends. All that made me blind. And you were hurt in the way that pains you most. I'm sorry, Choco."
[ Ahaha. Haha. Way too fucking comfortable, indeed. ] Yeaaaah. That was me. [ She chuckles sheepishly. Almost apologetic. ] The moment we got our memories back, I, uh, jumped in front and grabbed the wheel? So to speak. Felt like … waking up in a car and seeing a little kid trying to drive.
[ It's the only way she can think to describe it: a knee-jerk oh shit that's bad, that's dangerous, YEET. She grabbed control of the situation for everyone's safety. ]
[ Macaque's faith is rewarded when Korone immediately nods. ] Got it. Thank you for telling me, Dad.
[ She leaves it at that, sobering all the more as she settles in to listen to him talk about his heart game. It's dizzying to think about what could have happened — what almost did happen. She winces, too, when he describes brute-forcing the elevator shaft. Korone's dive into her own heart to help in the fight against Nyssa did a number on her; she can't imagine his actions being any less impactful. ] Damn … [ A low murmur. ] You weren't kidding about it being a lot.
[ And yet! There's more to come! She's patient, of course, giving him all the time he wordlessly asks for. When he finally does speak, it's in such a quiet voice she stops grooming to concentrate on listening. … And by the time he's finished, she's stunned silent, her heart lodged somewhere in the vicinity of her throat. She swallows thickly. ]
Dad … [ For a long moment, that's all she can offer. That, and the best hug she knows how to give. ]
It wasn't, it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you. I never did.
"Ah," he says, "that makes sense. I didn't want to refer to a her as a you unless I was certain." And in that event he deeply wasn't. "It's not surprising, though. You have the most knowledge of shitty circumstances like that one." Unfortunately.
He nods along with her saying that his heart game was a lot. "I'm still muddling through it a little. It upsets people sometimes when my feelings and opinions change, but that's probably bound to happen given the structure of the heart game."
Macaque hates having to bring up the telepathy incident at all, but it's been bothering him for some time. He hugs his daughter in return. "I know you don't blame me, but it's hard not to blame myself a little. I'm supposed to be your teacher, and his too. And I let my feelings blind me to the reality that you could very well get hurt."
[ You have the most knowledge of shitty circumstances like that one, he says, and Korone … She doesn't freeze. She doesn't stumble or lose her way. But she does take a moment to sit with the thought and the feelings that come with it. Macaque's conscientious approach to … well, everything about this — pretty much everything else, too, when it comes to his kids — makes her just that little bit more willing to engage. ]
There's a lot I'm still figuring out. [ Thank goodness for grooming, also known as the world's best way to fidget. ] About who I am, and the whole DID … thing. How to navigate it. What it means. [ She pauses a moment. ] I think … it feels like — I dunno whether or not Berry is separate now, but everything up until you booped me — trying to think of that as 'me' feels wrong. Like wearing someone else's shoes and clothes and the way they feel, textures are all just … ick — [ She shudders slightly ] — hang on a sec, I gotta shake my wings.
[ A li'l ruffle! As a treat! She'll settle said wings right back where they were afterwards. ]
… But the memories are still there, so it's not like with Koronai. [ Korone rarely, if ever, remembers anything that happens when Koronai fronts. You can bet she has Feelings about it. ]
[ Speaking of feelings, boy oh boy she has m a n y about this particular subject. Her brows furrow gently. ] Upset with you, or-?
Heart games in general, and yours in particular. Yeah. [ She nods, bunting her forehead against his shoulder. ] And — a lot happened after you came to Ellipsa, right? Those things had an impact too, albeit less extreme …
[ Hm. Time to be a baby koala monkey. Even more so than she already was, if that's even possible. ]
I … I wanted to trust him. Ignored my instincts. [ Which had been loud, to say the fucking least. She knew something wasn't right, she'd clocked sign after sign. Maybe if she'd called him on it — ah. Korone shakes her head. That right there is a familiar rabbit hole and we're not going down it today! Nope! It isn't helpful. ] But … for what it's worth — apology accepted. [ She gives him an extra snug squeeze. ] I hope you can forgive yourself in time, Dad.
"Makes sense to me. I mean, as much as I can understand the subject through secondhand and textbooks, what you're saying rings true. I know that names are off limits, but if there was something that you didn't remember, do you like to be told? Or just if it's very important?"
His arms curl around her and he sinks against her just for a moment, which is a fitting prelude to what he says. "Upset with me. Kind of. It's hard to know how to interact with me when my feelings are up, down, swirling all over the place. I don't always think to elucidate why my feeling on something is different now than it was before in the moment. It's just my feeling. I should try to remember to explain what's happening."
He nods. "A lot happened, yes. When I first got here I was afraid to be close to anyone. I changed my mind, obviously, but some of those instincts to flee are still in there."
Time for a cheek nuzzle against her head. "Thank you for accepting my apology. I'll work on forgiving myself for it. It's an odd situation still, especially since Cole is pretty adamant about how I should view that whole event. I'm working on it."
[ This is the stunned silence of a pigeon faced with a new and unexpected question. Please hold. … … Oh! He said something about names being off limits, didn't he? She circles back around to that first; it's easier. ]
Only Blue's, and I guess Wash-nii's nickname for us. [ Feather. ] The name thing. Koronai is fine. I dunno what's up with Berry, if anything, but if I can say that much without anything hurting, that's fine too. [ The movement of her fingers strays from actual grooming towards gentle fidgeting. ] And, your question … I dunno if anybody's asked me that before.
[ She's going to have to think about it. Maybe roll around the floor a bit — or a lot. An activity for later either way, on account of her being very comfortable in her dad's arms. ]
[ … And then he's letting himself lean against her, sinking into her, and that says a lot about how he must be feeling. What he goes on to actually say is — ]
[ Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ]
[ Korone snuggles into him, cooing low and completely subconsciously. If anyone can understand heart game fallout, it's this pigeon. On both sides of the equation. ] That really sucks. I wouldn't — I don't — always think to explain either, unless someone asks me? It's like you said: you're just feeling how you're feeling.
[ Add in the fact that he's still pretty new to this whole 'connecting with others' and 'emotional vulnerability' and 'not running away and-or setting fire to bridges and salting the earth' thing, of course he's gonna struggle. ]
Would that help? Asking people to ask if they're worried or confused?
… [ She trails off, frowning. ]
"Adamant about how you should view it" … What does that mean?
"Oh. You'd told me at one point not to say any of the names to you, so I was being cautious. GOod to know about Koronai, though."
He nods. "All right, let me know when you decide. I know that memories might be case by case." He'd probably consult with Wash before doing anything.
"I guess it might help, asking people to ask me. It's better than arguing about it or me thinking I've been clear when I really haven't."
Macaque hasn't mentioned the Cole thing since he doesn't want to worry anyone, but it's weighing on him, so... "Cole is absolutely certain that what MK did to you was accidental. I've had my doubts, and this really upsets Cole. He thinks that I should trust him and MK far enough to believe it. And it bothers him overall that I sometimes don't take his advice about MK. It's kind of complicated by the fact that MK is his main emotional foundation, and I have the pillar thing going on, so disharmony between me and MK gets to Cole on an existential level. It's how his kind works. Cole and I, and Cole and MK I think, agreed to just not talk about me and MK, but he can still sense the tension. So me not taking his advice about MK bothers him on that foundational level, and also because he hates not being able to help."
"I tried explaining to him that I don't have struggles with MK at him, but him being what he is makes that not really matter, they effect him. And we kept going around and around about it, and it was driving us further apart. So I agreed to start trying to believe him about MK and he agreed to not take it personally when I need to find my own way rather than take his advice."
"...Unfortunately, the result is just that I'm not telling him things. Which bothers him I know, but I just want to keep the peace. And Cole also told me that he's jealous that I do take Wash's advice. Cole and I have been a mess for over a year now which definitely means that I'm shit at being his pillar. I just also feel like I deserve to make my own choices even if sometimes they're not great ones without being made to feel guilty about it. I hate that this impacts Cole, but I don't think making choices that I'm not comfortable with for his sake is very healthy either."
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He nods. "I'm not ruling it out. I've learned that talking can help a lot, but also that someone has to be ready. I'm not sure if I'm there yet." Which he knows that she can and will respect.
"The boulders into pebbles thing sounds like him. It's a good analogy."
He does indeed feel her surprise, because he was ready for it. "It was close. And I'm not sure all the ramifications have settled in yet. I twisted the elevator shaft open too, to get to MK when he realized what his monkey mode did and started freaking out. So there was a lot, in addition to the rest of my feelings getting rebooted and rearranged."
There's a significant pause in his hands and his voice, and when he speaks again it's barely above a whisper.
"He asked me to meditate enough to give him the ability to use his monkey mode in my heart game. I was hesitant. But he assured me that he could control it, and I'd hurt him enough that I didn't want to come across like I didn't trust him, even though I guess I didn't. Not with that, not fully. And then that happened."
"It's just like the time you and he went to spar." The telepathy incident. "Right before, I was nervous about his control again. But I wanted to trust him. I wanted you two to be friends. All that made me blind. And you were hurt in the way that pains you most. I'm sorry, Choco."
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[ It's the only way she can think to describe it: a knee-jerk oh shit that's bad, that's dangerous, YEET. She grabbed control of the situation for everyone's safety. ]
[ Macaque's faith is rewarded when Korone immediately nods. ] Got it. Thank you for telling me, Dad.
[ She leaves it at that, sobering all the more as she settles in to listen to him talk about his heart game. It's dizzying to think about what could have happened — what almost did happen. She winces, too, when he describes brute-forcing the elevator shaft. Korone's dive into her own heart to help in the fight against Nyssa did a number on her; she can't imagine his actions being any less impactful. ] Damn … [ A low murmur. ] You weren't kidding about it being a lot.
[ And yet! There's more to come! She's patient, of course, giving him all the time he wordlessly asks for. When he finally does speak, it's in such a quiet voice she stops grooming to concentrate on listening. … And by the time he's finished, she's stunned silent, her heart lodged somewhere in the vicinity of her throat. She swallows thickly. ]
Dad … [ For a long moment, that's all she can offer. That, and the best hug she knows how to give. ]
It wasn't, it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you. I never did.
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He nods along with her saying that his heart game was a lot. "I'm still muddling through it a little. It upsets people sometimes when my feelings and opinions change, but that's probably bound to happen given the structure of the heart game."
Macaque hates having to bring up the telepathy incident at all, but it's been bothering him for some time. He hugs his daughter in return. "I know you don't blame me, but it's hard not to blame myself a little. I'm supposed to be your teacher, and his too. And I let my feelings blind me to the reality that you could very well get hurt."
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There's a lot I'm still figuring out. [ Thank goodness for grooming, also known as the world's best way to fidget. ] About who I am, and the whole DID … thing. How to navigate it. What it means. [ She pauses a moment. ] I think … it feels like — I dunno whether or not Berry is separate now, but everything up until you booped me — trying to think of that as 'me' feels wrong. Like wearing someone else's shoes and clothes and the way they feel, textures are all just … ick — [ She shudders slightly ] — hang on a sec, I gotta shake my wings.
[ A li'l ruffle! As a treat! She'll settle said wings right back where they were afterwards. ]
… But the memories are still there, so it's not like with Koronai. [ Korone rarely, if ever, remembers anything that happens when Koronai fronts. You can bet she has Feelings about it. ]
[ Speaking of feelings, boy oh boy she has m a n y about this particular subject. Her brows furrow gently. ] Upset with you, or-?
Heart games in general, and yours in particular. Yeah. [ She nods, bunting her forehead against his shoulder. ] And — a lot happened after you came to Ellipsa, right? Those things had an impact too, albeit less extreme …
[ Hm. Time to be a baby
koalamonkey. Even more so than she already was, if that's even possible. ]I … I wanted to trust him. Ignored my instincts. [ Which had been loud, to say the fucking least. She knew something wasn't right, she'd clocked sign after sign. Maybe if she'd called him on it — ah. Korone shakes her head. That right there is a familiar rabbit hole and we're not going down it today! Nope! It isn't helpful. ] But … for what it's worth — apology accepted. [ She gives him an extra snug squeeze. ] I hope you can forgive yourself in time, Dad.
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His arms curl around her and he sinks against her just for a moment, which is a fitting prelude to what he says. "Upset with me. Kind of. It's hard to know how to interact with me when my feelings are up, down, swirling all over the place. I don't always think to elucidate why my feeling on something is different now than it was before in the moment. It's just my feeling. I should try to remember to explain what's happening."
He nods. "A lot happened, yes. When I first got here I was afraid to be close to anyone. I changed my mind, obviously, but some of those instincts to flee are still in there."
Time for a cheek nuzzle against her head. "Thank you for accepting my apology. I'll work on forgiving myself for it. It's an odd situation still, especially since Cole is pretty adamant about how I should view that whole event. I'm working on it."
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[ This is the stunned silence of a pigeon faced with a new and unexpected question. Please hold. … … Oh! He said something about names being off limits, didn't he? She circles back around to that first; it's easier. ]
Only Blue's, and I guess Wash-nii's nickname for us. [ Feather. ] The name thing. Koronai is fine. I dunno what's up with Berry, if anything, but if I can say that much without anything hurting, that's fine too. [ The movement of her fingers strays from actual grooming towards gentle fidgeting. ] And, your question … I dunno if anybody's asked me that before.
[ She's going to have to think about it. Maybe roll around the floor a bit — or a lot. An activity for later either way, on account of her being very comfortable in her dad's arms. ]
[ … And then he's letting himself lean against her, sinking into her, and that says a lot about how he must be feeling. What he goes on to actually say is — ]
[ Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ]
[ Korone snuggles into him, cooing low and completely subconsciously. If anyone can understand heart game fallout, it's this pigeon. On both sides of the equation. ] That really sucks. I wouldn't — I don't — always think to explain either, unless someone asks me? It's like you said: you're just feeling how you're feeling.
[ Add in the fact that he's still pretty new to this whole 'connecting with others' and 'emotional vulnerability' and 'not running away and-or setting fire to bridges and salting the earth' thing, of course he's gonna struggle. ]
Would that help? Asking people to ask if they're worried or confused?
… [ She trails off, frowning. ]
"Adamant about how you should view it" … What does that mean?
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He nods. "All right, let me know when you decide. I know that memories might be case by case." He'd probably consult with Wash before doing anything.
"I guess it might help, asking people to ask me. It's better than arguing about it or me thinking I've been clear when I really haven't."
Macaque hasn't mentioned the Cole thing since he doesn't want to worry anyone, but it's weighing on him, so... "Cole is absolutely certain that what MK did to you was accidental. I've had my doubts, and this really upsets Cole. He thinks that I should trust him and MK far enough to believe it. And it bothers him overall that I sometimes don't take his advice about MK. It's kind of complicated by the fact that MK is his main emotional foundation, and I have the pillar thing going on, so disharmony between me and MK gets to Cole on an existential level. It's how his kind works. Cole and I, and Cole and MK I think, agreed to just not talk about me and MK, but he can still sense the tension. So me not taking his advice about MK bothers him on that foundational level, and also because he hates not being able to help."
"I tried explaining to him that I don't have struggles with MK at him, but him being what he is makes that not really matter, they effect him. And we kept going around and around about it, and it was driving us further apart. So I agreed to start trying to believe him about MK and he agreed to not take it personally when I need to find my own way rather than take his advice."
"...Unfortunately, the result is just that I'm not telling him things. Which bothers him I know, but I just want to keep the peace. And Cole also told me that he's jealous that I do take Wash's advice. Cole and I have been a mess for over a year now which definitely means that I'm shit at being his pillar. I just also feel like I deserve to make my own choices even if sometimes they're not great ones without being made to feel guilty about it. I hate that this impacts Cole, but I don't think making choices that I'm not comfortable with for his sake is very healthy either."