castaside | Seasons Inbox

[Somewhere, there is a bit of an unhinged laughter.]

I'm not saying its about care.
Care is simple.
Care has a logic to it to BE care.
There is a certain level of I guess altruism? to care.

I care about Phi.
I can follow the logic there.
I can recognize my violent overprotectiveness upsets her and I will lose her if I don't calm down about it.
And that is enough to force myself to calm down about it.

I have literally just met this princess and everything in me is screaming to hoard her away.
Keep her from all those terrible responsibilities and the dangers and keep her all to myself.
I want to lock her in a damn tower.

It is literally only because my Zelda, my actual princess believed I could be better I am forcing myself to recognize that is an awful way to go about things and will mean I won't ever have her look at me in the way I want.

This isn't about care.
This is about the fact I am a fucked up shadow creature who only has negative emotions that actually work right and want to both be owned and possess two specific people and all iterations of their soul because of some instinctive imperative to be as close as possible.

It would frankly be irresponsible of me to not assume the absolute worst of myself if any interaction with her went south.
Because all of my history supports me not doing well.

So.

I need a lot of coping mechanisms and plans so I don't try to murder her in a bloodlust like I tried to do my actual owner several times when he rejected me and I was braced for it.

Because I have been in these places long enough to know the truth will come out eventually.

I just don't want to raze the earth around her when it does.

That is unbelievably fucked.

So the plan is to get therapy and then tell her the truth and hope she doesn't take all the lying too badly?

[Another laugh. At least a bit less unhinged.]

There is a reason I like having an owner.
I know how it sounds to most people.
Massacre, I think, was a living weapon, and Gio was a guard dog, both of whom liked their positions, and they were very formative for me in the Forest as an amnesiac because they were the ones who made the most sense.
I am an extremely fucked up creature.
Thankfully I am fairly cognizant when my emotions aren't in control.
I can recognize things.

And probably have you on standby to yank me across Ellipsa until I rip through enough monsters to cool down the anger.

I don't know when that will be.

I usually had to be terribly injured to cool down the other times.

Or died.

One of those.

Choco can use shadow portals too.

Choco can't grab me if I don't want her to grab me.

So you want me to yank you around when I decide it's for your own good. Sure, what could go wrong?

I meant more when I enviably her the truth.

[He does know telling her will be better than her finding out.]

[So he can hope the timing works out.]

But I have had Larkspur do that in the past. That whole prone to violence thing.

This all sounds half baked to him. But whatever.

If that's the way you want to do it.

I ain't gonna force ya to be my minder, I just know its happened in the past.

I was also an amnesiac, so I was less aware of what societal norms were 'cause all I learned was like reading a book than a baked in experience.

I just wouldn't blame ya, I guess.

I was mostly meaning whenever this confrontation happens with Zelda 'cause that could turn explosive for sure and I'd rather...not.

I think everyone would rather not with confrontations like that.

I'll help you if need be, don't worry. It's what Choco would want.

I know. She's good like that.

And used to me kinda going off the rails when it comes to...

I don't know if I'd want to define what I did with Larkspur care. It was care.

Belonging? That might be more apt.

You get how her being used to you going apeshit isn't a good thing, right?

And you get how her seeing herself as an acceptable sacrifice and collateral isn't a good thing either.

Somewhere between her wanting me to be a good boy and me wanting her to not tolerate being treated as such, there is a middle ground. But it's also a middle ground that takes work. Her wanting me to be good and me wanting her to value herself more won't happen overnight. Just like she's taken time to improve, and I hope you have realized it's taken her time to improve. it's taking me time.

Thus my continued attempts at betterment, and helping others with my situation, but less self actualization.

But pretending princess will be a normal situation is like pretending the light has nothing to do with shadows existing. Sure. You can make it sound like a thing, but it's a lie.

Better I acknowledge the problem and work on solutions instead of what? Telling myself I'm going to fully develop half the emotions of a person and have them be healthy and functional overnight? That all these partially working feelings are definitely enough to overwhelm cosmic bonds and base instincts of my being? That despite all precedent and lack of stress testing rejection, this time I will be totally reasonable and accepting?

This is me trying to minimize hurt for everyone else.

One day, I'm going to have to take the hurt. I don't know if she will give me the small benefit of a doubt my Zelda gave me and frankly I don't deserve it anyway.

I can make sure when I hurt her, she isn't alone and scared in a new place without anything familiar and hopefully have someone help her spark her light magic so she doesn't think I lied about that instead of potentially absolutely ruining her right away without anyone to turn to.

And that's without going psycho.

Talking to Lott is like talking to Cole, he wants to bang his head against the wall.

I'm not saying that you're going to be better overnight, kid. I'm also not saying don't work toward whatever sense of being okay will let you be truthful with this princess. Obviously yes, do that.

Everything you're saying about your situation is obviously the truth. It's also going to sound like excuses if it comes out to her like this. My point here is that the way you're sounding right now has to be one of the things you plan to work on. Because over-explaining all the varied reasons why you did something wrong isn't an apology.

There isn't enough reasons in the world that can justify trying to destroy her home, different time period or not. I'm very aware my reasons were petty and that's being generous.

That's why it's best to assume she has the completely reasonable and justified reaction of hating me and work from there.

Not like I'm apologizing to you. I'm explaining why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I'm concerned about what I'll do.

And that I know I'm not what Phi wants me to be.

Why would I want or expect an apology that has jack shit to do with me.

Don't underestimate Choco. She understands people and loves them where they are even as she'll support you in improving. She knows very well the type of people that she collects.

Because you think over explaining is how I do apologies instead of me explaining why I'm not taking your advice? Like I get what you're saying is reasonable advice MOST of the time. Just not with existential bullshit complications. So I thought you thought it was an apology.

She does have a tendency to charm a certain type.

But she doesn't want me to be the sort of person who goes apeshit, especially to people who really don't deserve it.

That's not what I was saying. The point was that when you talk to the princess it had better not sound like it sounds now, or it will sound like bullshit and worse, it will be bullshit. That's really all.

I'm not judging you like you think I am. I was you a few years ago.

Kid, no one wants people going apeshit on someone who doesn't deserve it. Her accepting your flaws, even big flaws like going off on people, and loving you as you are only sounds like they can't both be true. But they can be and they are. Love is like that.

Not bullshit. It's me doing what I can to kerp control.

I need the thoughts because my emotions, my moral compass, will not guide me. I have to THINK to be a better person. I need the logic. My intelligence is what keeps me from going full feral and that's how I try to find better.

But it's none of her responsibility. She can't help the stupid cycles made a freak of nature. I was the one who chose to be the bad guy. If she wants to be angry, she gets to be angry. If I'm lucky, she might give me a chance to prove I can be more.

Besides, you think I'm getting further than 'I burned down half your kingdom' before there's fallout? Pretty sure any speech has gotta be under twenty words.

Isn't that unhealthy? I thought the whole loving them despite anything was just me being obsessive.

All right, then. I can't account for your nature, I'm only telling you how it sounds from my end.

Under twenty words is good as long as there's an "I'm sorry" in there at least once.

It can get unhealthy. Easily. Again, ask me how I know all about obsessive and unhealthy love. But that doesn't mean it always is. It's not a black and white issue. Not easy to parse with intellect alone, unfortunately.

You know how Heart Games got those representations of aspects? I'm closer to that then a full person. Or like that cat, and dragon.

Phi and Sunshine were overwhelming when in a good mood in the Forest, I never knew happiness could feel like that. Still haven't solo.

Sorry feels a little lackluster for what I did. There has gotta be something stronger.

Then how do people parse it out?

Meaning you primarily exist in one type of emotion? Hm.

Sorry can be very empty or incredibly meaningful depending on how much you mean it. There's nothing stronger than that. It's not the words themselves, it's what's behind them.

I couldn't tell you how a normal person parses it. If you're me, you make the biggest fuckups of your life and you learn the difference.

More or less. The emotions Link ignored. His fear, his bitterness, rage, bloodthirst, loneliness, callousness, cynicism, the parts that want to hurt a little too much, and manipulate a little too easily. All the inconvenient emotions for a hero. Shadow as in physical and what is in his heart.

There's small versions of everything, but the difference is a candle to a bonfire. I know what happy is, but feeling it a lot without someone suffering is hard and rare.

Ah. That might be the difficult part. I don't know if I feel as bad as I should for the war crimes. Like I do. But I feel more bad about what opportunities it took from me. Maybe that's why it feels lackluster.

Not sure I could afford that many fucks up.

I guess that explains why you describe care as locking a princess in a tower. Boy do you have a lot of work to do.

That explains why it feels like bullshit, yeah. [ Just like he said, because it very much is bullshit. ]

I dunno, maybe a therapist can describe the difference. Or someone healthier than I am. I just know there is one.

The disadvantages of not being born a person, the headspace is a fucked up mess. A lot of my seeming normal is just being good at mimicry once I know what it looks like.

I wasn't really talking about the war crimes. I do feel bad lying to her. She doesn't deserve it, she deserves to have someone comforting and reliable, especially when I went and helped her figure something out and I don't want her to think I lied about that.

Ngggh. Positive emotions are always so messy.

Re: When Zelda arrived

castaside - 2025-08-01 22:41 (UTC) - Expand