castaside | Seasons Inbox

"That sounds rather important. Let's dig into that then. What did you say and what more would you have liked to say?"

"He asked if I really thought he was doing everything for himself. And I told him that at the time I saw it that way, but we've both changed a lot and I don't see him that way anymore. I told him that my perception at the time was due to me refusing to ask for what I wanted and needed from him so it's not like he had the chance to give me what I wanted, since he couldn't have known what I wanted. Something like that."

"Then I told him that regardless of our fight, I should have come back for him. And he said that was all he needed to know. At that point I gave him a courting gift so it sort of derailed any discussion that could have been had, but he said he was done, so..."

"I guess... I just prefer to follow his lead. I always have. And in the moment all I want to do is make him happy, and it's not until later that I recognize that I have things to say and things I want to hear."

"And what are those things you want to say and want to hear, love?"

"He said that he shouldn't have lashed out at me under the mountain, but I want to know if he really thought that I was running away to save myself. I want to know if he still sees me as running away. I want to know what he thinks about me having other partners, and kids. I want to know what he wants our future together to look like. I want him to get to know my kids and tell me that he approves."

Should he care if Wukong approves? Fuck no. But he does.

"I want to know that he's as devoted to me as I am to him. And he thinks I should know that, probably, but I don't. And it's going to take a lot before I do. A lot of repetition and backtracking and mess. Things he's not good at, and if I push him, maybe he'll decide it's not worth it." That their relationship isn't worth it.

"There is a lot there. I can't answer some of that of course. Only he can. And maybe during alone time, asking him some of those specific questions. About if he meant the running away part. If he thinks you still do that. And what he thinks about your grown connections. But do keep in mind, exactly what are you wanting or hoping or fearing to hear?"

"Because you have to be willing to accept what he's saying is his truth when he says it. And I'm certain he approves based solely on the fact they make you happy. And setting up play dates might be needed to help bridge that gap."

Just saying.

"As for the last part. I think a conversation on that is going to be needed. Because those expectations and where you're starting is important. And allow him to say what he needs to feel the devotion from you and what to expect in return."

"...I don't know. I don't want to push him away." So he just doesn't say the ten thousand things on his mind. He's too cerebral. Wukong was never that.

"A lot of this is my own problem. My own head and what's in it and how Wukong was built up in my mind. I feel like I need to unfuck that and then, maybe..."

"Clear and open communication isn't pushing someone away, love." Lucifer gently cups Macaque's cheek.

"Let's talk about that real quick. You say it's your problem. But answer me this. Do you expect the same proof of devotion from all your mates and your boyfriend? Or only Wukong?"

"It is if he feels hounded or something."

He considers, but only for a beat. "I don't have these doubts about any of my other partners. I haven't been through with them what I went through with Wukong. Apples and oranges."

"Okay. So you feel is you are chasing a subject, and he doesn't want to, he pulls away. And I wasn't asking love for some form of gotcha. I wanted to make sure. It being different makes sense. The only other partner you have had history with is MK and that history is quite different."

"Less Lovers to Enemies to Lovers and just kinda Enemies to Lovers."

"I don't think you're trying to gotcha me. You're helping. This is just one of my most confusing subjects. My reasoning gets circular because he makes me stupid."

"Just makes sure. And I can tell. You both make each other stupid. It's adorable. So. You feel the foundation is shaky, yes? And you want to know the depth of devotion goes both ways. What ways would you appreciate and feel validated? What do you want to see and hear and feel?"

"I don't know. Honestly. If I knew I'd say so. I haven't the slightest idea what I need... maybe just time. Maybe I'm trying to fix it too quickly with all the talking. He's right, it does go around and around with no clear landing site."

"Let's talk landing point. We've gone over some of it already. Family and kids approved. You two showing devotion and love to one another. Open communication past the carousel of topics. And you and him feeling both happy and satisfied emotionally and physically together. And another question then. Since well you share Wukong with MK. Are you wanting to be able to do things as a group or would you rather not cross those streams?"

Macaque practically bristles at the mention of sharing.

"No. No way. I don't like sharing Wukong, I just do it because I have no choice. I might be able to get talked up to threesomes with other people, but Wukong will never be one of them."

At least he's clear on it?

"Thank you for being honest. That is okay. Sounds like maybe that is part of where some of your need for devotion might be coming from? So you know you are just as important as the others?"

Lucifer knows he's getting close what he can only imagine is a delicate subject so he isn't going to push too hard unless Macaque wants to talk about this.

Macaque practically shrinks in Lucifer's arms. Apparently he hit the nail on the head.

"I'm -- I'm used to it. It's fine. I know that MK comes first for him. I've known that for years."

Lucifer pets Macaque's hair and kisses the top of his head.

"Would you believe him if he told you in no uncertain terms you and MK are equally important to him?"

"...He may have said something like it. At some point." Macaque just didn't believe it.

"And you didn't believe it at the time?"

"In my defense, it defies all logic."

"Does it? You and Wukong have a long history. A history that quickly sprouted into love. A fierce and undying love you both feel. Even to this day. Even with all the pain and hurt and felt betrayal. You still love each other, even when you try to hate each other. Even now you are trying to be together because that love isn't going anywhere and you both know that."

Lucifer pauses. "I know MK is important to him. And you are too. Logic tells me you are both equal in his heart of hearts. Because that man would move Heaven, Earth, and the Underworld for you both. Would die for you both. I don't think MK inspired the immediate deep feelings inside Wukong that you did, Macaque. Being completely honest here."

Macaque goes very still.

"I don't know if I'll ever believe that. No matter how often he says it."

"What action then could he do to prove it?"

"I don't know if he can. --I shouldn't say it like that, he can do anything. I don't know if I can."

"Let's do this in two parts. We'll swap to you then real quick. You don't know if you can believe him. Do you know why?"

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