"You know that love isn't a finite thing, I hope. I love him, and I love you, too. I don't see you as some offshoot from MK. You're your own person to me. Always have been."
"I know it isn't. Definitely now. And I love hearing that. I am sorry I took that acknowledgement and twisted it into seeing MK as this problem to be solved. I don't see him that way anymore. And as my own person, I love that you love me and I love you too."
He smiles so sweetly and sips his hot chocolate. "Hmm. Oooh that's good. Heh. Almost as good as your kisses."
"Good, then." He opens a portal to his nest and leaves the pot in the sink to soak.
"Join me in my nest then, and let's see what we get up to." He gives Candid a kiss on the cheek on his way through the portal in such a way that it speaks to more than a little kiss.
"O-Oh. Okay," Candid very much catches the implications and follows through the portal. He moves to sit down carefully in the nest, not wanting to spill any hot chocolate.
"I mean...before we get up to anything. Is there anything else you want to unpack? Or ask? Just in case we have more to talk about. I thought the talking would go on for, well, longer."
"I...don't know? Give me a moment and a few sips," Candid sips his cocoa and thinks. Was there anything else he wanted to say? He said it all pretty quick.
"This feels fast. Not bad fast, but fast. And I mean everything I'm saying. I guess...in my head this conversation was more back and forth? Maybe I'm just not sure since this isn't going how I kinda expected it to?"
"You understand why it was a bad idea to focus all your feelings on me, right? Because I can't be that for you, Candid. I can't. It's not healthy. And I know that because I was that way with Wukong. I wanted all his love and attention and time, all of it. And so I know damn well that there's nothing he could have done to satisfy me because I would have always wanted more. I would have had us bury ourselves in each other to the point where we forgot our dreams, forgot to love others or even the world around us, forgot everything else that was important to us. That's not a life, and it's not a real relationship. And when he didn't and couldn't give me what wasn't possible to give, I started resenting him, and that broke us. So those are the only two ways that that ends. I know because I lived it.
I know it isn't easy to change that. I'm still fighting through those feelings for him. I just know that it had to change. Because I need a world that's bigger than one person, and so do you. My life is so much better now. And my relationship with Wukong is better too. I love you, and I want that for you. I want it for us."
That is a good start and something he does want to talk about.
"You're right. I can't do that. I can't hang all of me on you and my love for you. Doing that, I lost sight of Cole, of me, of your love for MK. It blinded me. And I nearly did something terrible. I almost took MK from all of you. Everyone who loves him so much. I made sure to hurt the people I claimed I was doing it all for. And the fact of how wrong it was entirely."
Candid goes quiet for a moment.
"I...know it will take time. A lot of it. But I do have feelings for Cole. And I think I am very much getting feelings for Esme. And I know I have feelings for Red Son. But I need to start that relationship over. As friends to start. And see how it goes. I feel like I need my own name before I do that though. We agreed he'd want to meet the person I want become. And I want to become someone other than Candid. If that makes sense."
Macaque's brow furrows for a moment. The others make sense since some of MK's feelings would transfer, but Esme? Isn't that awfully fast for someone who is supposed to be trying to get his head on straight?
--Ah well, it's probably nothing. Esme is easy to like.
"You hurt Red again and I'll hurt you back," he says softly.
"And I'd deserve it," Candid says with a nod. "But I don't ever want to hurt him again either. That's why I want to go to him once I figure out well who I am now. Now becoming? Something like that. And I find my new name. Then I'll know I'm ready."
That question hits Candid and he is quiet. He sips his cocoa.
"...You said you love me. Red Son said they couldn't love me or like me because of who I was. What I did. I guess if there was something to go on for us to try, before I'm ready for him, is you love me. As bad as I once us, you found parts of me you love and still do. And those parts I've nurtured and grown and am working hard to change the bad parts. Does any of that make sense?"
"If I did that, I know I right now would want you to. Because that would show I didn't change and I'm not worth the second chance I'm being given right now."
"It's not a matter of you being worth it or not, and you're never going to get it as long as you think that. Not fully. It's a matter of what's healthy for me."
"I think both those things are true. It is what's healthy for you and you always having the feeling of what if the other shoe drops and I hurt you or MK or Red or someone else you love, that's not healthy. That's not safe. And when I say worthy, I mean this chance, if I do fall short, then I was never really worthy of it."
"Funny, I thought that I got to decide what's worth it for me and what isn't. You can have your own definition, of course. I'm not about to argue with that."
"I'm trying to say...if I messed up after you decided I was worthy, then I wouldn't have been worthy at all. You do decide, of course you do. I'm just...floundering here, right now." Another drink of cocoa.
"Whether you're worth a second chance has been decided. You are. It's whether you're worthy of a third that would be the point of contention if we ever get there. Which I know that we both hope we do not."
"I was given enough chances that I feel confident about my position on this. And you know what trust it takes for me to offer it. So we're square on the second chance."
"That...thank you. That's what I was trying to get at. And fumbling all over the place," Candid smiles thankfully.
"I feel good being able to get this all out even if it feels hard for me. And I was getting worried there for a moment about things coming out in the worst possible way to give the worst possible interpretation. Self-worth issues are still at thing. Definitely inherited from MK and made my own in my own guilt filled way."
"You don't have to worry if something comes out wrong. I say shit that comes out wrong all the time. I'll always give you a chance to figure it out together."
"Also, guilt is only a bad thing if it leads you to be unhealthy. A little guilt could be what you need to stay on the straight and narrow."
"That all makes me feel a lot better. And I think this guilt is on the healthier side. I don't think or feel like I'm doomed. I'm just wanting to be very aware of myself. Make sure I don't start to slide without noticing it."
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Re: Darktruth Action thread
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He smiles so sweetly and sips his hot chocolate. "Hmm. Oooh that's good. Heh. Almost as good as your kisses."
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"Join me in my nest then, and let's see what we get up to." He gives Candid a kiss on the cheek on his way through the portal in such a way that it speaks to more than a little kiss.
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"I mean...before we get up to anything. Is there anything else you want to unpack? Or ask? Just in case we have more to talk about. I thought the talking would go on for, well, longer."
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"Do you have more to tell me? You're saying the right things, and I believe you."
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"This feels fast. Not bad fast, but fast. And I mean everything I'm saying. I guess...in my head this conversation was more back and forth? Maybe I'm just not sure since this isn't going how I kinda expected it to?"
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Hm.
"You understand why it was a bad idea to focus all your feelings on me, right? Because I can't be that for you, Candid. I can't. It's not healthy. And I know that because I was that way with Wukong. I wanted all his love and attention and time, all of it. And so I know damn well that there's nothing he could have done to satisfy me because I would have always wanted more. I would have had us bury ourselves in each other to the point where we forgot our dreams, forgot to love others or even the world around us, forgot everything else that was important to us. That's not a life, and it's not a real relationship. And when he didn't and couldn't give me what wasn't possible to give, I started resenting him, and that broke us. So those are the only two ways that that ends. I know because I lived it.
I know it isn't easy to change that. I'm still fighting through those feelings for him. I just know that it had to change. Because I need a world that's bigger than one person, and so do you. My life is so much better now. And my relationship with Wukong is better too. I love you, and I want that for you. I want it for us."
How's that for back and forth?
Re: Darktruth Action thread
"You're right. I can't do that. I can't hang all of me on you and my love for you. Doing that, I lost sight of Cole, of me, of your love for MK. It blinded me. And I nearly did something terrible. I almost took MK from all of you. Everyone who loves him so much. I made sure to hurt the people I claimed I was doing it all for. And the fact of how wrong it was entirely."
Candid goes quiet for a moment.
"I...know it will take time. A lot of it. But I do have feelings for Cole. And I think I am very much getting feelings for Esme. And I know I have feelings for Red Son. But I need to start that relationship over. As friends to start. And see how it goes. I feel like I need my own name before I do that though. We agreed he'd want to meet the person I want become. And I want to become someone other than Candid. If that makes sense."
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--Ah well, it's probably nothing. Esme is easy to like.
"You hurt Red again and I'll hurt you back," he says softly.
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"...You said you love me. Red Son said they couldn't love me or like me because of who I was. What I did. I guess if there was something to go on for us to try, before I'm ready for him, is you love me. As bad as I once us, you found parts of me you love and still do. And those parts I've nurtured and grown and am working hard to change the bad parts. Does any of that make sense?"
Re: Darktruth Action thread
Candid isn't exactly on thin ice, but he's still on ice. It can still break open and send you into a chasm.
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"I was given enough chances that I feel confident about my position on this. And you know what trust it takes for me to offer it. So we're square on the second chance."
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"I feel good being able to get this all out even if it feels hard for me. And I was getting worried there for a moment about things coming out in the worst possible way to give the worst possible interpretation. Self-worth issues are still at thing. Definitely inherited from MK and made my own in my own guilt filled way."
Re: Darktruth Action thread
"Also, guilt is only a bad thing if it leads you to be unhealthy. A little guilt could be what you need to stay on the straight and narrow."
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"Oh that's so good."