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[castaside]

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Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

[That fruit is hanging so low even Cole's short stature can't not take it.]

Weren't you the one who said your emotional experience is like a child's?

I'll be surprised if you come back and say it wasn't. If only because I haven't heard one yet with you.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

That doesn't mean I want to *sound* like a kid if I can help it.

Yes yes, we all bow to your wisdom. It's not my fault that I get a thing for people who get a thing back. So far.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

Too bad, you joined a club of adults who don't have adult-level emotional experience and admitted it so you're going to sound like it.

Are you sure? I almost fell into that while I was figuring things out and properly sorted you.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

Fair enough, I guess. Who knew that repressing your feelings for centuries was a bad idea?

Good thing that didn't happen. What a disaster it would have been.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

Probably only people who live long enough to find out.

I like you more as family anyway. Whether or not it might have been a disaster.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

Any half-wit could probably have predicted that it was a terrible idea. I was way too emotionally constipated to see it then. And now isn't going much better sometimes.

...Me being your family turned into a disaster too. And I hate that you're so used to disasters that you just accept it.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

But somehow so many of us do it anyway.

At this point I wouldn't be surprised if it's a me problem. Because I can't not worry. I can't separate myself so things don't affect me when people feel like they don't or shouldn't. And I'm the one who can't feel safe with the idea that finding a family seems to mean there will always be a side taken over other members. So maybe you're not the who who made it a disaster in this case. Not completely.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

I can't think of a single thing that you ever did to wrong me, Cole. Only things that I've taken badly because I'm screwed up.

But I care more about fixing it than I care about assigning blame at this point.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

If you're sure. I still want to fix things too, I just don't want you thinking you're the only one who's the problem.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

I'm probably going to think that for a while no matter what anyone says. But the good news there is that means I can do things to make it better, one hopes.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

I can't argue against that, so fair.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

If there were things I could do that would make you feel better about us, other than listening to you which we've already got a deal on, what would they be? I'll start there.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

I don't know. Feeling safe and comfortable, and like I was helping you with feeling that was always more than enough.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

I think that I haven't made you feel safe in a very long time. I'm not sure that I know how.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

That might just be how things are. I might feel safer as time goes on. Same for you I hope.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

You're not going to feel safer unless I change some things. I don't know what to change.

My kids say that they feel safe with me. But I don't think that what I do there will work with us. It's an entirely different kind of family.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

I don't know what we are as family, so I don't have an answer for that.

I'll tell you a secret though. Something I only kind of made sure MK knows. It was easy to get close to you both once I knew you cared because I know that if you ever do I can't really do anything because you're much more powerful than me. So knowing you only wanted the opposite for me made things easy.

We might be kind of starting over, but I'm pretty sure that's still true. The only difference now is I know that you have a line so I know better when it's coming.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

You knew that I could kill you easily, and that made you comfortable? I don't understand.

My lines can be moved, given a good enough reason. Which you are.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

Well yeah you could kill me easily. But I mean hurt specifically. And yeah, knowing that you can but you want me to be okay helps. Because it had meant that I wasn't worrying about you doing it. Which I know is weird, but it meant I could focus more on us and what was going on and less on when the pain was coming.

Not the one with your kids. I've seen that one before. Others maybe. I believe that. But that one I have to move mine I think, when I figure out how to. I need to sort out home stuff somehow mainly.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

I have hurt you, though.

I've never had kids to have a line with before, so I can't say that I'll never soften that position a little. It might evolve. I know that I have to put them first, but the rest I'm figuring out as I go.

What line would you possibly have to move?

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

It was an accident. You're not planning to again.

Putting them first isn't the problem at all. They need you.

I need to deal with the fact that kids always having the people that are parenting for them on their side, in basically everything. That's all. If it's expected that they do, then me not doing that is the weird part. It's the thing that makes me feel less safe and if I can work through that then I be able to eventually be able to feel fully safe.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

Not planning to, but I can't promise that I won't do it unintentionally.

So you're saying that my relationship with my kids highlights what you've lost in your life? Something like that?

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

That's normal though. In general.

And no. I'm saying that knowing one side will always be taken makes me feel unsafe because I've seen been through all of the pain that doing that cause already. And if that's what's normal then I need to work on being okay with that. Not your actual relationship. That I'm happy with for all of you.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[castaside]

Normal but unpleasant. And in my case unnecessary at times.

I see. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do with that.

Re: UN: FreeDyver - Text (After Movie Night #5...Sometime post-deal.)

[tethered_roamer]

That's why you not planning to matters.

It's fine. That's why I have to figure it out however I can.