[ A portal opens beside him in the pillowfort, and Macaque arrives, already in a reclined position. Close, not touching. He has taken a liking to pillowforts since you crazy kids like them so much. ]
[ Another portal opens and he produces a thermos of hot cocoa and two mugs. ] Just in case you want some.
[Donnie turns the phone to show Macaque, showing another mutant turtle, obviously a different species of turtle, with a blue mask, doing a rather impressive skateboard trip, judging by how the other voices cheer when he lands the trick and his own whooping, saying he told them.]
That's Leonardo. Leo. My twin.
He showed up in the Metaverse, with a marking. He was only going to stay a while and I just....spent as much time as I could with him.
[ Macaque looks at the video and can instantly guess what happened. He had that conversation with Azure, Tobias, Lott. A gutpunch every time. He's sad he didn't get to meet Donnie's twin, but selfishly glad that he didn't have to break the news again. ]
--Shit. I'm sorry, Donnie.
[ He leans a bit closer, still not touching Donnie. Free hugs if you want them. He chirps: shared sorrow, comfort, wish. He'd change it if he could. Of course he wants his kids to have everyone they love within reach. ]
My brother was here too. [ Very different situation, but he's just saying that he gets it. ]
[Donnie leans against him.] I knew it was going to happen. I'd been watching the progress. And he was going back to Hunter and Raph and others, he would be fine. Even if he was a dumb-dumb who got himself injured again. [He moves to another video. Apparently Leo's OTHER attempts at the trick. There is a lot more laughing.]
....secret blood brother or those guys who got drawn in by Wukong?
[ Slinging an arm around Donnie to give him a tight squeeze like he tends to like, then. ]
He seems like fun. I'm sorry that I didn't get to meet him.
[ A humorless chuckle. ] The latter. He wanted to make amends for not being a good brother to me, among other things. [ And seeing as he's dead it would have felt really wrong to refuse. ]
You would have. How much he liked you depends how well you hide your character. Nardo is really good at judging how dangerous people are, unless you get to his weaknesses. So it may have depended how long until you hit him in the daddy issues. [Listen....Donnie is self aware enough to know they ALL have the daddy issues.] Otherwise he would be protective because my ability to judge is not the best and he doesn't want to see me betrayed again.
But after that, you two have a lot in common.
Good. You deserved the apology. I'm glad you got that.
Hey, if there's one thing I can understand and appreciate it's someone being protective of you. [ Macaque is very self-aware about his GRRR when it comes to even a glancing threat, so. ] I can't help being dangerous, but I'll make a note that when I do get to meet him, not to be shifty about it. I don't have any reason to hide from your family anyway.
[ He's not the type to worry about his impression. And the heart game nonsense taught him that it's useless to try to fight or force a connection. People like each other or, if there's a good enough reason, they work at it. And Donnie is for damn sure a good enough reason. ]
He's third most protective. Though I would not be surprised if that's because he has less control based anxiety. I've always had control issues. Raph...I wouldn't say control issues, but he's the oldest, so when dad couldn't be the one taking care of us, it was Raph. But Leo's certainly got a lot. He's...clever. I'm obviously the smartest, but Leo is clever, a lot more clever than he acts. He tries to head things off, probably the best actual common sense.
So after he figures out you're good people, he'll probably like the shifty. He likes trickery. And he's got portal magic.
[He nods.] Choco and I found a tower of loneliness.]
[ Macaque just listens to Donnie talk about his brother, with his arm tight around him. He yanks a shadow blanket from a portal and puts it around Donnie's back. ]
He sounds pretty great. I'm sorry they're not with you, it's unfair. But if you want to talk about them some more, I'll listen. Hearing you talk about them is nice. [ He likes listening to Donnie talk about things he feels strongly about, nothing could be more that than his family. ]
--Ah. [ Macaque can imagine what they likely saw in there in addition to his brothers. The monkeys, Wukong being constantly gone, maybe that dark time in his life when he rejected the world. ] I'm sorry you had to see all that.
[He leans into the blanket and turns to press his forehead to Macaque's shoulder.]
He is great.
Infuriating quite often.
But great. They all are, but Leo has always been special. He decided because we were the middle kids, we were twins. I argued with him about it a lot, we aren't even the same species, and Dad almost definitely decided our ages based on size.
He got under my skin about it though. I hate the thought of it not being the truth.
[He shrugged.] It wasn't such a surprise. All things considered. People who are codependent almost certainly have something lonely in their life.
[ Tight shadow blanket hugs for you then, bud. He wants to reassure Donnie that the truth here is whatever they make it, but he knows that Donnie values truth a lot. He doesn't want to second guess that feeling. ]
Whatever the biological facts, you clearly love each other. All of you. That matters more than anything else.
[ Macaque just hums about the codependent thing. He can't really argue, so he doesn't. ]
We do. There are problems. We fight. We hurt each other. We misunderstand a lot.
Certainly codependency to the nth degree.
But we love each other and keep trying to figure out those issues. [A knuckle lightly taps on Macaque's chest.] Guilt and sadness and hurt do not counter it, just lives besides it sometimes.
I can't even tell you how much of a mess I'd be if Choco and Eve weren't here when I arrived. Just ten days at the Temple alone had me in a state.
Mm. That's what family does. [ Or so he's been told. Korone and Donnie are the first one he ever really had, but he's gotten enough of the idea through the osmosis of living in the world. ]
I can imagine. [ Everything he knows about the Temple absolutely sucks. ] I'm glad you didn't have to find out.
It does. You'll learn for yourself. You're going to be super haunted now, when multiversal distant isn't making it all muffled.
[He nods and presses his forehead against his shoulder.]
I likely would have made ill advised friends. On one hand, my desperation allowed me to become as close as I did with Hunter and Shiro. On the other hand, my intensity scared Shiro because I didn't know how to function without depending on someone else.
On a third robotic hand, it did push me to figure out how to fake empathy better because Robin's Egg was all very universally bad at it and someone had to help them and that was me for a while. So that is a pro and con.
I don't mind being haunted by this crowd. It's the unwilling hauntings that you've got to look out for. [ He signed up for this and no regrets. If he had any, he just couldn't connect, to his understanding. ]
[ He just holds Donnie and listens to him talk. There's a short pause when he's done. ]
You know that you don't need to fake anything with me, right? I like who you are.
Some can be worryingly pragmatic, but I think Gram-Gram is giving them a talking to in the spirit plane.
[Oh]
[Fuck, no, there are tears. He was not ready for the sudden validation.]
I-
I don't-
Its funny, really, I never...
I never faked until I was at the Temple. My family just...they knew how I was. They knew where I was good and where I was bad. Sure, when I was really messing up, they confronted me and we worked to figure out the problem, but usually I just had to put in the effort to show I was learning to get the point across. Even if I didn't get it right, they...appreciated that I took it to heart. I just had to try. I didn't have to do it right.
I never....had to try and pretend I was more capable than I was.
[ Poor Donnie. He thinks he's so bad with feelings, but never stops to think that the people judging him were worse. ]
Try not to think of it as good and bad. You're just you. And feelings can't be explained by science, so it's natural that you'd struggle to make sense them. Everyone does, really, at some point or another. I sure did.
Besides, you're one of the most caring people I know. If people can't understand how you show that, then screw them.
A lot of people would misunderstand. I can be angry or protective or pragmatic. I don't generally factor morals into my decision. I'm fully aware if things had been a little different, villainy would have likely been my path.
But...
I like people. I like making people happy. I like making things better. I would try so hard to do so.
[He chuckles weakly.] I had several teammates remind me that I should be charging for my services. I had put together a forge and I would often forget to ask for payment of making things. Usually I'd just tell them to bring me the raw materials. But it never felt like it really...did anything. Like it never changed people's opinions.
I wouldn't usually care, I just wanted people to be happy, but when how well liked a team could determine survival in games, it did...sting in a way I wasn't used to.
It was usually a case of there was just someone they cared about more on another team. Sometimes it was like that. Between Leo and Eve on Snail, Choco on Sparrow, and Hunter on Mouse, we had to communicate what were the ways to go down the list, since matching up votes could also be important at times.
No one was particularly happy about that conversation. [He also took charge of that conversation because Raph and Leo both had Real Strong avoidance issues.]
But when it came to other teams, I just...wasn't able to really connect to people. Not that I would want to connect to people specifically to protect my team, it was just a very stark reminder that I really struggled to make those kind of connections.
[ Macaque isn't quite sure what to say to this. He's fairly certain that explaining how he'd like to whack those fools who treated him like something disposable over the head wouldn't be especially helpful. ]
I'm sorry. I admit that I don't see the perspective of those who couldn't connect with you very well, since I found it quite easy. So all I can do is promise that I'm not going anywhere, and I'll do everything I can to make sure you and Choco and Eve are safe.
That's because you get it. I connected to people like Hunter and Laios and even Adora really quick because their minds weren't neurotypical.
You're used to the loneliness and outsider and all those things that mean you can't see the world a normal way even if your brain chemistry was normal.
I don't really worry about safety.
Just loneliness. And really, that just means I'm going to be a danger than in danger.
--You think I get it? Maybe a bit now, but I didn't at first. I still feel like I'm just muddling my way through most of the time.
I just saw that you were worth my trying. And I've been around a long time, I've mostly gotten past my reflex to pretend I know everything. All I had to do was listen to you, and not get uppity when you say no to something.
Anyone who thinks you're hard to get is projecting their own insecurities. Nothing more.
There is always muddling when it comes to people. The question is does that middle align or does it result in huge misunderstandings that don't get resolved for months.
Or years.
I am hard to get. Not only did I grow up in a heavily socially isolated setting, it was with a group of mixed instincts between human and animal resulting in wholly different understanding of boundaries and social etiquette. Thank god for April because who knows what would have happened if we didn't have a squishy human in our lives before puberty hit and strength started multiplying. Not to mention television. It allowed for at least some understanding while all engagement with the outside world was done at arms length.
All of that makes it difficult.
And that has my approximately autistic brain on top of it. Approximate in that our brains are not a one to one comparison to humans so wiggle room. So trying to adjust in the moment is especially difficult for me to manage. I have never needed to mask or pretend and usually if I royally messed up and show no signs of regret and no signs of vindication, my family understands I don't know what I did.
But people will apparently just....sit on things for months when they're upset because they assume I do.
Instead of tell me.
Or worse, they think telling me will upset me and like...
Of course????
Of course it would?
I don't like messing up, of course I'll feel bad, but that's even more reason to do so? Otherwise I will never correct and it will get worse?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ A portal opens beside him in the pillowfort, and Macaque arrives, already in a reclined position. Close, not touching. He has taken a liking to pillowforts since you crazy kids like them so much. ]
[ Another portal opens and he produces a thermos of hot cocoa and two mugs. ] Just in case you want some.
I'm listening. [ Why are you sad, bud? :< ]
no subject
[Donnie turns the phone to show Macaque, showing another mutant turtle, obviously a different species of turtle, with a blue mask, doing a rather impressive skateboard trip, judging by how the other voices cheer when he lands the trick and his own whooping, saying he told them.]
That's Leonardo. Leo. My twin.
He showed up in the Metaverse, with a marking. He was only going to stay a while and I just....spent as much time as I could with him.
no subject
--Shit. I'm sorry, Donnie.
[ He leans a bit closer, still not touching Donnie. Free hugs if you want them. He chirps: shared sorrow, comfort, wish. He'd change it if he could. Of course he wants his kids to have everyone they love within reach. ]
My brother was here too. [ Very different situation, but he's just saying that he gets it. ]
no subject
....secret blood brother or those guys who got drawn in by Wukong?
[Because they seemed real judgy.]
no subject
He seems like fun. I'm sorry that I didn't get to meet him.
[ A humorless chuckle. ] The latter. He wanted to make amends for not being a good brother to me, among other things. [ And seeing as he's dead it would have felt really wrong to refuse. ]
no subject
But after that, you two have a lot in common.
Good. You deserved the apology. I'm glad you got that.
no subject
[ He's not the type to worry about his impression. And the heart game nonsense taught him that it's useless to try to fight or force a connection. People like each other or, if there's a good enough reason, they work at it. And Donnie is for damn sure a good enough reason. ]
Was that something you got in my heart?
no subject
So after he figures out you're good people, he'll probably like the shifty. He likes trickery. And he's got portal magic.
[He nods.] Choco and I found a tower of loneliness.]
no subject
He sounds pretty great. I'm sorry they're not with you, it's unfair. But if you want to talk about them some more, I'll listen. Hearing you talk about them is nice. [ He likes listening to Donnie talk about things he feels strongly about, nothing could be more that than his family. ]
--Ah. [ Macaque can imagine what they likely saw in there in addition to his brothers. The monkeys, Wukong being constantly gone, maybe that dark time in his life when he rejected the world. ] I'm sorry you had to see all that.
no subject
He is great.
Infuriating quite often.
But great. They all are, but Leo has always been special. He decided because we were the middle kids, we were twins. I argued with him about it a lot, we aren't even the same species, and Dad almost definitely decided our ages based on size.
He got under my skin about it though. I hate the thought of it not being the truth.
[He shrugged.] It wasn't such a surprise. All things considered. People who are codependent almost certainly have something lonely in their life.
no subject
Whatever the biological facts, you clearly love each other. All of you. That matters more than anything else.
[ Macaque just hums about the codependent thing. He can't really argue, so he doesn't. ]
no subject
Certainly codependency to the nth degree.
But we love each other and keep trying to figure out those issues. [A knuckle lightly taps on Macaque's chest.] Guilt and sadness and hurt do not counter it, just lives besides it sometimes.
I can't even tell you how much of a mess I'd be if Choco and Eve weren't here when I arrived. Just ten days at the Temple alone had me in a state.
no subject
I can imagine. [ Everything he knows about the Temple absolutely sucks. ] I'm glad you didn't have to find out.
no subject
[He nods and presses his forehead against his shoulder.]
I likely would have made ill advised friends. On one hand, my desperation allowed me to become as close as I did with Hunter and Shiro. On the other hand, my intensity scared Shiro because I didn't know how to function without depending on someone else.
On a third robotic hand, it did push me to figure out how to fake empathy better because Robin's Egg was all very universally bad at it and someone had to help them and that was me for a while. So that is a pro and con.
no subject
[ He just holds Donnie and listens to him talk. There's a short pause when he's done. ]
You know that you don't need to fake anything with me, right? I like who you are.
no subject
Some can be worryingly pragmatic, but I think Gram-Gram is giving them a talking to in the spirit plane.
[Oh]
[Fuck, no, there are tears. He was not ready for the sudden validation.]
I-
I don't-
Its funny, really, I never...
I never faked until I was at the Temple. My family just...they knew how I was. They knew where I was good and where I was bad. Sure, when I was really messing up, they confronted me and we worked to figure out the problem, but usually I just had to put in the effort to show I was learning to get the point across. Even if I didn't get it right, they...appreciated that I took it to heart. I just had to try. I didn't have to do it right.
I never....had to try and pretend I was more capable than I was.
no subject
Try not to think of it as good and bad. You're just you. And feelings can't be explained by science, so it's natural that you'd struggle to make sense them. Everyone does, really, at some point or another. I sure did.
Besides, you're one of the most caring people I know. If people can't understand how you show that, then screw them.
no subject
But...
I like people. I like making people happy. I like making things better. I would try so hard to do so.
[He chuckles weakly.] I had several teammates remind me that I should be charging for my services. I had put together a forge and I would often forget to ask for payment of making things. Usually I'd just tell them to bring me the raw materials. But it never felt like it really...did anything. Like it never changed people's opinions.
I wouldn't usually care, I just wanted people to be happy, but when how well liked a team could determine survival in games, it did...sting in a way I wasn't used to.
no subject
[ Frankly what the fuck were those people on, Donnie's great. :| ]
no subject
No one was particularly happy about that conversation. [He also took charge of that conversation because Raph and Leo both had Real Strong avoidance issues.]
But when it came to other teams, I just...wasn't able to really connect to people. Not that I would want to connect to people specifically to protect my team, it was just a very stark reminder that I really struggled to make those kind of connections.
no subject
I'm sorry. I admit that I don't see the perspective of those who couldn't connect with you very well, since I found it quite easy. So all I can do is promise that I'm not going anywhere, and I'll do everything I can to make sure you and Choco and Eve are safe.
no subject
You're used to the loneliness and outsider and all those things that mean you can't see the world a normal way even if your brain chemistry was normal.
I don't really worry about safety.
Just loneliness. And really, that just means I'm going to be a danger than in danger.
no subject
I just saw that you were worth my trying. And I've been around a long time, I've mostly gotten past my reflex to pretend I know everything. All I had to do was listen to you, and not get uppity when you say no to something.
Anyone who thinks you're hard to get is projecting their own insecurities. Nothing more.
no subject
Or years.
I am hard to get. Not only did I grow up in a heavily socially isolated setting, it was with a group of mixed instincts between human and animal resulting in wholly different understanding of boundaries and social etiquette. Thank god for April because who knows what would have happened if we didn't have a squishy human in our lives before puberty hit and strength started multiplying. Not to mention television. It allowed for at least some understanding while all engagement with the outside world was done at arms length.
All of that makes it difficult.
And that has my approximately autistic brain on top of it. Approximate in that our brains are not a one to one comparison to humans so wiggle room. So trying to adjust in the moment is especially difficult for me to manage. I have never needed to mask or pretend and usually if I royally messed up and show no signs of regret and no signs of vindication, my family understands I don't know what I did.
But people will apparently just....sit on things for months when they're upset because they assume I do.
Instead of tell me.
Or worse, they think telling me will upset me and like...
Of course????
Of course it would?
I don't like messing up, of course I'll feel bad, but that's even more reason to do so? Otherwise I will never correct and it will get worse?