You don't have to call me back. But I needed to call you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I spiraled. I'm sorry I didn't say anything back. I should have.
I'm sorry you had to get in the middle of your family and me again. I'm sorry I hurt you. I know it's hard for you to keep doing this. And thank you for doing it. Because it would have been so much worse. I was gonna kick his ass.
But you stopped me. I stopped because you were there.
I know seeing that side of me had to be hard. It hurt you. I saw it on your face. But I trust you enough to see it. I just wish...I could have shown it to you differently. Without that short jerk poking at it like that.
I'm going to work on the clone thing. And that thing. And all of it.
But just so you know, I'm going to try and just show my other stuff more. Like when I'm angry. I'm trying to not hold that back anymore. So yeah.
It's okay to spiral, especially when you're faced with someone who's poking all your vulnerable spots. It helps that you can see that I was trying to help. Him attacking you wasn't fair to anyone and I just wanted him to stop and not do it again.
It did hurt when you didn't say anything before you left, but I think I understand. You were trying to be honest with where you were at that moment.
But we do need to talk about you calling yourself a monster because my hand was hurt. That's what got me. I want you to be honest but when you say things like that it's going to hurt me. I don't know if there's any way around that, because my hurt reaction is and honest one too and I don't think you want me to hide it.
Porty did to Evangeline what I did to Korone. He set her back. Hurt her in a way she was trying to heal from.
He did that. And if everything he does is my fault...he told me the hotel party, Porty did. Evangeline wanted to talk to him. He apologized to her but then he told me just how similar what he did was to what I did. And that maybe the Lady Bone Demon was right. That no matter what I do, I just bring pain and suffering to everyone.
And the hotel card gave me a nine for how bad I am. It...that short jerk picked the perfect time to attack me, basically.
To get what he wanted anyway.
I hurt you. And I'm sorry. I don't want you to hide that you hurt me. It hurt me too...when he threatened to kill me over and over and you didn't say anything about that. Except it wasn't what Korone would want. That hurt too.
Porty is bitter towards you and wanted to hurt you, kiddo. The Lady Bone Demon wasn't right, because you bring joy to my life. Me and Wukong and Red and Cole, among others. Sometimes the other side of that joy is pain, because pain is a part of life. But it's not "no matter what you do" you bring pain, it's that no matter what anyone does, pain can sometimes happen. What Porty did wasn't your idea or your fault. You and Candid tried to talk the vampire girl out of it but she insisted.
...I'm sorry that I didn't explain that I didn't want you hurt. I didn't think that would do very well at convincing him to stop, that's all. Of course I would have stopped him if he had tried to kill you, just like I did this time. I'd be destroyed if you were hurt or killed and I didn't stop it.
I understand. And I forgive you. It hurt in the moment but that makes sense. He doesn't care about me. He has no reason to. But he cares about Korone and has every reason to.
There is something I wanna say. And before I do...I'm not trying to put distance between us when I say this. I'm saying it because I've been doing a lot of thinking. Didn't sleep at all last night so had time to do it. And you don't have to answer or talk about it right now because you got a lot a lot going on.
But I was wrong. In your Heart Game. I was wrong when I said if you kept pushing me away I'd turn into that savage animal. You aren't the cause. No amount of distance if you need it ever is going to turn me into that. If I do, and I never want to, but if I do that's on me. Because I...decided to become that.
So...if you ever need space from anything me related. At all, ever. Just say the word and it will be okay. I'll be okay. ...I just wanted to say that to you. I'm a big...facing the things I've done kick and trying to make it better right now and that's been eating at me and yeah.
Mm. I was just... in the middle. Of you and Lott. I was trying to get him to stop not just this time but for good, so I was trying to balance that and not being too -- protective of you, I guess. Because I knew that would make matters worse, make him fight harder.
...MK, I never want to be apart from you. I never want that, but I'm so used to being alone. Sometimes I fall back into that habit. I'm trying to fight it, but so much has happened, and if I were a cup I'd be a drop from overflowing. The best I can do, is if I need space I'll tell you so. I won't just vanish. We'll talk about it when we're ready to, but I will always give you that. I know you need it, and so do I.
There's no way to tell how what you said in the heart game affected me, that happened in a deep place that was already angry. It's going to take time to untangle... but I'm trying to. Whether I can get all that straight isn't your fault, just like whether you let your less pleasant instincts take over isn't mine. Can we make a deal on that?
I know you were. And being in the middle is really hard. I'm so glad you were though. I really really am.
I just wanted to let you know, you can tell me. Tell me you need space. And I'll be okay. No matter how much space or time you need. I will be okay. I promise you I will be okay.
I can agree to that deal. I just felt I should say I was sorry. And say I didn't mean it. And I hope, even if it's small, it an help you untangle it.
Okay. I don't want space right now. I know you need some of it for your own reasons and that's -- I get it. I want you to have the time you need too.
--Are you sure that you didn't mean it? I could understand if in that moment you meant it, we were struggling so much right before the game. And there's a difference between me needing space and me pushing you away. One is okay, one isn't.
Actually I don't need space. Not really. If you wanted to sit together. Listen to music? That would be nice.
No. I didn't mean it. Not...not like that. It is not your fault if you need space and if you need to give me a small nudge when you need space. Or if...if I ever mess up so bad you can't...be around me.
You can push and I will not become that thing. You can ask. You can yell. You can hold me or not yell or whatever you need to do is what I'm trying to say and saying it badly. Whatever you need, close, far, here or there, whenever, however.
What you do will not turn me into a monster. You don't have to be afraid of that. I don't want you to be afraid of that.
And what I want, right now, is for Korone to get out of that jar, go home, so you can give her lots of hugs and affection and I hope she comes out of it as okay as she can and your family gets to be complete again.
I want to be with you too. Music is good, or more of those action movies, whatever. Just being in the same space makes me happy. I don't need to touch you to be happy together with you. Sex happened a lot but that was a side benefit, not the reason I love you.
Mm, okay. You said that in a very deep place inside me, so it'll take time to really sink in, but I believe you.
Action movies. Maybe some musicals too? So we get music and movies. Yeah. Same, honestly. I love you for you. Just being with you. We'll get back to touching. Someday.
You're welcome, my Warrior. Portal over whenever you want or need to.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Voice - June 8th
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I spiraled. I'm sorry I didn't say anything back. I should have.
I'm sorry you had to get in the middle of your family and me again. I'm sorry I hurt you. I know it's hard for you to keep doing this. And thank you for doing it. Because it would have been so much worse. I was gonna kick his ass.
But you stopped me. I stopped because you were there.
I know seeing that side of me had to be hard. It hurt you. I saw it on your face. But I trust you enough to see it. I just wish...I could have shown it to you differently. Without that short jerk poking at it like that.
I'm going to work on the clone thing. And that thing. And all of it.
But just so you know, I'm going to try and just show my other stuff more. Like when I'm angry. I'm trying to not hold that back anymore. So yeah.
I love you.
Re: Voice - June 8th
I love you too. I'm glad you called.
It's okay to spiral, especially when you're faced with someone who's poking all your vulnerable spots. It helps that you can see that I was trying to help. Him attacking you wasn't fair to anyone and I just wanted him to stop and not do it again.
It did hurt when you didn't say anything before you left, but I think I understand. You were trying to be honest with where you were at that moment.
But we do need to talk about you calling yourself a monster because my hand was hurt. That's what got me. I want you to be honest but when you say things like that it's going to hurt me. I don't know if there's any way around that, because my hurt reaction is and honest one too and I don't think you want me to hide it.
Re: Voice - June 8th
Porty did to Evangeline what I did to Korone. He set her back. Hurt her in a way she was trying to heal from.
He did that. And if everything he does is my fault...he told me the hotel party, Porty did. Evangeline wanted to talk to him. He apologized to her but then he told me just how similar what he did was to what I did. And that maybe the Lady Bone Demon was right. That no matter what I do, I just bring pain and suffering to everyone.
And the hotel card gave me a nine for how bad I am. It...that short jerk picked the perfect time to attack me, basically.
To get what he wanted anyway.
I hurt you. And I'm sorry. I don't want you to hide that you hurt me. It hurt me too...when he threatened to kill me over and over and you didn't say anything about that. Except it wasn't what Korone would want. That hurt too.
Re: Voice - June 8th
Porty is bitter towards you and wanted to hurt you, kiddo. The Lady Bone Demon wasn't right, because you bring joy to my life. Me and Wukong and Red and Cole, among others. Sometimes the other side of that joy is pain, because pain is a part of life. But it's not "no matter what you do" you bring pain, it's that no matter what anyone does, pain can sometimes happen. What Porty did wasn't your idea or your fault. You and Candid tried to talk the vampire girl out of it but she insisted.
...I'm sorry that I didn't explain that I didn't want you hurt. I didn't think that would do very well at convincing him to stop, that's all. Of course I would have stopped him if he had tried to kill you, just like I did this time. I'd be destroyed if you were hurt or killed and I didn't stop it.
Re: Voice - June 8th
[He pauses and thinks for a moment.]
I understand. And I forgive you. It hurt in the moment but that makes sense. He doesn't care about me. He has no reason to. But he cares about Korone and has every reason to.
There is something I wanna say. And before I do...I'm not trying to put distance between us when I say this. I'm saying it because I've been doing a lot of thinking. Didn't sleep at all last night so had time to do it. And you don't have to answer or talk about it right now because you got a lot a lot going on.
But I was wrong. In your Heart Game. I was wrong when I said if you kept pushing me away I'd turn into that savage animal. You aren't the cause. No amount of distance if you need it ever is going to turn me into that. If I do, and I never want to, but if I do that's on me. Because I...decided to become that.
So...if you ever need space from anything me related. At all, ever. Just say the word and it will be okay. I'll be okay. ...I just wanted to say that to you. I'm a big...facing the things I've done kick and trying to make it better right now and that's been eating at me and yeah.
...Yeah.
Re: Voice - June 8th
...MK, I never want to be apart from you. I never want that, but I'm so used to being alone. Sometimes I fall back into that habit. I'm trying to fight it, but so much has happened, and if I were a cup I'd be a drop from overflowing. The best I can do, is if I need space I'll tell you so. I won't just vanish. We'll talk about it when we're ready to, but I will always give you that. I know you need it, and so do I.
There's no way to tell how what you said in the heart game affected me, that happened in a deep place that was already angry. It's going to take time to untangle... but I'm trying to. Whether I can get all that straight isn't your fault, just like whether you let your less pleasant instincts take over isn't mine. Can we make a deal on that?
Re: Voice - June 8th
I just wanted to let you know, you can tell me. Tell me you need space. And I'll be okay. No matter how much space or time you need. I will be okay. I promise you I will be okay.
I can agree to that deal. I just felt I should say I was sorry. And say I didn't mean it. And I hope, even if it's small, it an help you untangle it.
And I love you and I always will.
Re: Voice - June 8th
--Are you sure that you didn't mean it? I could understand if in that moment you meant it, we were struggling so much right before the game. And there's a difference between me needing space and me pushing you away. One is okay, one isn't.
Same here, I love you too.
Re: Voice - June 8th
No. I didn't mean it. Not...not like that. It is not your fault if you need space and if you need to give me a small nudge when you need space. Or if...if I ever mess up so bad you can't...be around me.
You can push and I will not become that thing. You can ask. You can yell. You can hold me or not yell or whatever you need to do is what I'm trying to say and saying it badly. Whatever you need, close, far, here or there, whenever, however.
What you do will not turn me into a monster. You don't have to be afraid of that. I don't want you to be afraid of that.
And what I want, right now, is for Korone to get out of that jar, go home, so you can give her lots of hugs and affection and I hope she comes out of it as okay as she can and your family gets to be complete again.
Re: Voice - June 8th
Mm, okay. You said that in a very deep place inside me, so it'll take time to really sink in, but I believe you.
--Yeah. I hope for that too. Thanks, kiddo.
Re: Voice - June 8th
You're welcome, my Warrior. Portal over whenever you want or need to.
Re: Voice - June 8th
Soon, I promise.
Re: Voice - June 8th
Soon, okay. I'll let you go.
[He chirps into the phone; love and patience.
Re: Voice - June 8th
[ He chirps back: Love, care, lasting promise. ]