"I tried. I knew he was going to want to talk about the game. I KNEW. And Everytime he talked with me when I did something awful, I was always...always freaked out. I barely knew what I was doing at the time and panicked and could never say what he wanted to hear and I didn't want that. I knew I did something terrible. Unforgivable. I was going to accept any punishment, but if he wanted me to talk, I didn't...I didn't want him to think it was just me saying whatever my first impulse was...I wanted him to think I was...I was sincere. I regretted. I thought about it. I was at fault for MK hurting. It was all me. That I would take all responsibility and nothing...nothing felt enough...except for..."
He was crying against Macaque again, shaking as he clutched tightly at his shirt, his heart racing.
Macaque listens, holding Red and taking in how he tried. He believes it, but there's not much he can do so it's mostly just listening. Until the last thing.
He squeezes Red tight and nuzzles into his sticky hair. "Oh, Red. I'm sorry." To go to such extremes and then not have it work out...
"He just...he just ignored it. I know...I know he doesn't know me well, but...but he KNOWS that. He was there. He saw. He had to...how could he not know?" Red Son said, voice shaking, curling up tighter against Macaque. "He knows. He just put meo n the couch like it was nothing and wanted to know what happened and I-he called my reasons excuses, but they weren't, they were why I did it, why it was my fault, I was trying it take responsibilty, he was supposed to understand I was sincere, but he...he just acted like it was every...every other time and I...I still tried. I tried to do what he did and was vulnerable other ways, told him things I've barely breathed to anyone, and that didn't work and..."
There's a sob. "I'm sorry. I thought I could make everyone happy, but...but I can't just fail this a million times until to works, he's another person, you can't do that to people, I don't know any other extreme I can do-"
Wukong can be singleminded when he has his eyes on a prize, and nothing gets him hyperfocused like MK. But Red has a right to be hurt regardless. He was trying to make a point, and it deserved acknowledgement.
"All you can do, for now, is accept it. Accept that MK and I will both be okay, and so will you. Maybe someday that dream won't seem so impossible, but for now if it hurts you this much to try for it, then acceptance seems to be the right thing for everyone. It'll be okay, love."
"It was always impossible. He was shutting me out even before that dream. I thought...I thought after the flowers, if I showed him, he would...he would be less skittish, but it was still just...ignore Red Son until he bothers me!" He said, throwing an arm in the air and it flips over. "I thought...I thought I was overcoming the biggest hurtle..."
"I thought...I thought if I could keep from burning his scent from my nest then...then it would be doable. If I could keep being okay with it that maybe I could...could be rid of the ways he terrifies me. I was so happy when I realized the blanket survived..." There is another sad whine.
"I wanted to try...part of me still wants to try...but I don't think I can. Not without making things worse..."
"If you can't try right now, or you can't try at all, that's okay." Sure it hurts a little that Red's dream won't come true, only because it would be nice to have all the people Macaque and MK love together. But he's not upset or anything close to it.
"I wanted to make you all happy," he said. "I thought I could. I could finally start letting go, go somewhere good, and it just....it hurts..." He said with a small sob.
He buries his face against his neck. "I love you too. I'm sorry."
"I know." He knows this exact pain. Try and trying and it blowing up in your face, and the Monkey King feeling so far away.
"Don't be sorry, Red. I know you tried." He knows Wukong tried too. There's just a lot of baggage there and they communicate in very different ways. "You do make me happy. You do. I don't need you and Wukong to get along."
"Not just failing you..." He said, clutching and loosening his grip on his shirt over and over again. "Or MK. Hurt that I failed you both, but I....I wanted to help him too. Once I could...could see through the anger...he's lonely."
"I thought...I thought if I could convince him we could be good then...then he'd stop being so afraid to...to let things in so he doesn't HAVE to be, but..." He whines again and tightens his hold on Macaque. "This was easier when I didn't care about people...I could just go whatever and move on."
"I think that sometimes too. That things were easier when I was alone and didn't care. But I'm so much happier now, even during the bad times. I wouldn't trade it."
"It's because there's farther to fall. When you're already alone and miserable, adding another bit of misery feels almost routine. When you're elevated by love and togetherness and care, toppling down to being miserable is a much bigger cliff. Also, being alone means there's very little to lose. When there's everything to lose, it's worse."
Macaque is something of an expert in this.
"But I'm here. No matter how miserable you are, I'll always be here."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Macaque just holds Red and does his best to be steady. "He can be infuriating sometimes. I know you tried."
no subject
He was crying against Macaque again, shaking as he clutched tightly at his shirt, his heart racing.
"I kowtowed."
no subject
He squeezes Red tight and nuzzles into his sticky hair. "Oh, Red. I'm sorry." To go to such extremes and then not have it work out...
no subject
There's a sob. "I'm sorry. I thought I could make everyone happy, but...but I can't just fail this a million times until to works, he's another person, you can't do that to people, I don't know any other extreme I can do-"
no subject
"All you can do, for now, is accept it. Accept that MK and I will both be okay, and so will you. Maybe someday that dream won't seem so impossible, but for now if it hurts you this much to try for it, then acceptance seems to be the right thing for everyone. It'll be okay, love."
no subject
"I thought...I thought if I could keep from burning his scent from my nest then...then it would be doable. If I could keep being okay with it that maybe I could...could be rid of the ways he terrifies me. I was so happy when I realized the blanket survived..." There is another sad whine.
"I wanted to try...part of me still wants to try...but I don't think I can. Not without making things worse..."
no subject
"I'm sorry. I love you." What else can he say?
no subject
He buries his face against his neck. "I love you too. I'm sorry."
no subject
"Don't be sorry, Red. I know you tried." He knows Wukong tried too. There's just a lot of baggage there and they communicate in very different ways. "You do make me happy. You do. I don't need you and Wukong to get along."
no subject
no subject
"I know." He does, but it still hurts to think about.
no subject
no subject
no subject
A light thud of his fist against his chest. "I am happier...just misery feels more miserable when its here."
no subject
Macaque is something of an expert in this.
"But I'm here. No matter how miserable you are, I'll always be here."