castaside | Seasons Inbox

[Wukong nods and just cuddles in closer, still purring. He knew. It was never a question except when they were enemies.]

[ That and he said it while they were truthshroomed. ]

[ Macaque curls as close as he can possibly get, purring loudly. ] Thank you for saying it.

No problem.

[He stays where he is for a moment, then starts to groom Macaque again, pulling his mind from the negative rut it was angling toward.]

You're a very nice bright spot in this morass of I don't even know what.

[ Yeah, he's going through it. ]

It might be obvious that I've been kind of a mess, and trying to hold it together for everyone else. Not always succeeding, I'll grant you that.

Why didn't you reach out then?

[ He pulls away to look up at Wukong, lifting a hand to cup his cheek. ]

Because old, dumb habits die hard. Same reason I never asked whether you love me before. The thought of any rejection from you makes me stupid, so I don't risk it.

--But I can reach out, in the future. If you're telling me that you want me to.

Yeah, I'm saying I want you to.

Then I will.

[ And since he's being brave, here, Macaque leans up and gives Wukong a soft kiss. ]

[Wukong blinks, but it's a no-brainer to kiss him back.]

[ Macaque catches the blink, and chuckles a bit against Wukong's mouth. ]

You look surprised. [ That's all he gets out before he kisses Wukong again, and then again, and then finally gives him time to answer. ]

[Wukong responds each time, chucking finally.]

You're being full of surprises. Should I not be?

I decided to be brave for once. I guess that is surprising. But just for posterity, there is no time when I don't want to kiss you.

[ He snuggles very happily against Wukong. ]

That means a lot.

[He rests his chin on top of Macaque's head and just feels him. Just is.]

There's never a time I don't want you here.

Yeah? [ Macaque nuzzles against Wukong's chest several times. ] That's incredibly nice to hear.

-- I'd suggest that you should pin me down in this nest and prove it, but I'm not sure my mood's there. It's definitely not you, it's everything going on lately.

It's fine, I'm not really feeling it either. I can hold you to prove it though.

Deal. [ He will definitely take being held and cuddled and groomed and chirped at. ]

-- How are you handling it? I can imagine that MK is a lot right now, very understandably. He went through something extreme.

It's a more extreme version of what's been happening for months, so I'm staying closer until he feels safe enough to leave the castle and doing what we've been doing for him.

[Wukong offers a half shrugs as he pulls Macaque to lay in the nest with him.]

[ Macaque curses under his breath even as he settles against Wukong. ]

Kiddo really needs and deserves to be okay, ideally without all the nonsense making matters worse. Or his own mind making matters worse, which is the bigger challenge.

Yeah well, I can only reset him when he comes home to the place he can start moving forward. And that's all I can do because he keeps coming home shattered.

...but right now is about you.

How I am and how he is are pretty tied together, since I was there when he hurt Choco and right after, and I was there when Cole was in his coma, and I was there during that damned game. And one of his clones asked me to try to help him deal with his feelings and he said he wanted to, so I've been trying to do that, but...

[ Don't mind him burrowing into Wukong. ] Not being able to help him, or Cole, or even Choco in the way I want to, it's part of why I haven't been doing well.

[Wukong sighs through his nose.]

The thing is, I think you can help MK more. But I was trying to take care of you before I asked you for help.

[ ...Excuse you? Macaque peels back just far enough so he can look at Wukong with stunned disbelief. ]

You think I can help him? I've been trying to and he really fights me on it sometimes. Or rather than dark side of his mind does.

--And you are taking care of me. Your presence is soothing.

I mean focusing on you. But okay.

So yeah, you know that I've been working on grounding MK. On him accepting everything that is him. And I've been working with him before you got here. I know he talks to you and Red Son more about the things going on with him than he does to me. He'll tell me the personal stuff so I can help him, but nothing else...

But...I've noticed that simple affirmations before and during those talks seem to have a more lasting impact than focusing on talking to him ever has. He'll bring up things on his own once he's feeling safe and reassured, and he's becoming more comfortable with being a monkey than before we started.

He...can't touch anyone else for now, but I think if everyone he's strongly connected to can find simple ways to affirm bonds and provide that comfort, his progress will stick more outside of the castle.

[ Macaque considers this, because it's Wukong saying it and because for once they're not bringing these things up in an argument. ]

I can see the point you're making, though I do call him my North Star all the time. I'm not sure how much more affirming I can get. I'll think on it.

The thing is though, MK and I have some things to work through and I don't know how much affirmations will counter them. He's angry at me for a lot of rightful and understandable reasons thanks to my actions in the past, and I'm angry at him for hurting Choco so profoundly and then not listening when I said not to go see Cole while he still had the seal on since I knew it would break him. I can... be as soothing as possible while we get into that stuff, but we have to go through it otherwise he'll never feel secure with me, nor I with him.

If you have any ideas...

That's why I'm stressing simple ones. The hardest part is the lack of physical contact since he needs it and can't have it.

I'm not saying not to work through it since he knows one of the things he needs from you, but to work on affirming his place with you before and during the talks.

He enjoys simple monkey stuff. So for now, I guess just sounds, quiet togetherness, and maybe time in one of your...other nests without touching.

MK is an adult mortal, but even without knowing what he is he's always been almost childlike. Now he's dealing with new feelings and monkeys instincts. He needs the extra affirmation to feel secure. Like some of the younger monkeys when they tried to befriend you.

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