Ehehe. [ She actually giggles a li'l bit — and then snorts when a thought occurs to her. ] … did I ever tell you I thought I was neurotypical until summer last year?
[ Also, well, since her hand is already where it is … maybe some light grooming, as a treat. ]
Anyway, the iguanalogy! [ Hmmm. ] I've seen a lot of bullshit and I don't always know what my triggers are until they come up. … Plus, sometimes, some days, something that wouldn't usually bother me will. Or vice versa.
So it can help to start with a general theme or topic. It gets me thinking, gives me a chance to check in with myself.
I don't? Huh … They made it sound like it was really obvious. [ They is said with relaxed affection and curiosity, nobody has been making her feel bad for being who she is. ]
[ But she nods. ]
Yeah. Pretty much. It's not something I always need, just, if you're unsure or worried.
Oh, that's — [ her hands are kinda busy right now so she taps her feet instead, thinkin' tappies ] Masking, right? Donnie doesn't really do that, yeah …
[ She wants to ask more about Macaque's thoughts and observations. Really wants to, in fact, and she wiggles a teensy bit before she catches herself. It'd be a hell of a tangent (albeit a (probably?) pleasant one; certainly in comparison with the actual matters at hand.) ]
Mmhm. I'm in a good place for them. [ She's rather calm all things considered, snuggled up all cosy practically in his lap and grooming his hair section by section. ] Maybe let's … mm, start with the cursed game? It's -- I think the main? reason I suggested talking earlier.
[ She responds to his comment about Donnie with a soft chirp of family. Donnie rarely masks for anyone that she's seen since they came to Ellipsa, strangers included, but she Remembers how utterly exhausted he'd been in the Temple.
After a moment to consider … she drops the glamours on her wings and tail completely, and makes a small gesture of invitation with the former. If he wants a distraction, something to do with his hands, he's welcome to get in on some preening. If he'd rather not, that's fine too. ]
[ Neurodivergence Distractions later. ]
Is that what was on your mind, when we were talking about Evolution? ... It feels like what that thing did has been really weighing on you. [ She's been picking up on his anxiety and guilt over the incident since it happened. She doesn't blame him in the slightest, That Fucking Thing was not him, but... ]
[ He'll have plenty to keep himself occupied with! Her patchy plumage is a tapestry of spring misery at its finest: itchy loose down and coverts; ratty old feathers that aren't quite ready to drop; sensitive blood and pin feathers still in their keratin sheathes. Some of the latter have tiny tufts poking out — those are the ones he can gently (gently) scritch and rub to get the casing off.
The itchiness and sensitivity make her wings a bit twitchy on occasion, but she's relaxed, trusting him not to mess around with the feathers that aren't ready yet. They're easily damaged and bleed an absolute fuckton, ask her how she knows. ]
[ She waits and listens patiently, though she blinks, brows furrowing, when he says it was his shadow. Blinks again when he says her, before it clicks; she lets out a little sound of acknowledgement. And that bit about Red Son and MK … ]
You've been carrying that all by yourself for so long … [ It's not quite phrased as a question. She's seen his tendency to throw himself into taking care of his people at his own expense, and it's hard to imagine him turning to any of his mates considering who was involved. ]
I never heard exactly what happened with MK-kun and Red Son. Guessed some from context, but … [ She sighs softly. ] How could it have been your fault? [ It's a genuine question. She wants to know where he's coming from. ]
And, that shadow —
Speaking from my own perspective, here … and with the understanding that it might not change how you see it; how you feel about it …
It didn't register as you or your shadow. To her, or me. It was like — like something that was trying to be something it wasn't? But it couldn't hit the mark. It was weird and jarring and it felt wrong. It didn't move right, the colors were off, it didn't … ugh, I dunno how to describe it. Stupid fucking Mimics. [ UGH. ]
[ Stupid Kaito. Stupid, stupid Kid. And, more than anything or anyone else right now: stupid FUCKING whoever made that godawful piece of shit game. ]
He shrugs one shoulder as he continues to carefully, expertly preen her poor neglected feathers.
"Not entirely by myself, I've had a few scattered conversations about it." But mostly. He hates trying to talk about something so upsetting. Maybe he should try Lucifer.
He sighs. "I didn't know that MK was wearing the gold collar when I convinced Red to turn his memories back on. If I had, I'd have known he'd flip his shit and would have come up with a plan before I gave him his memories back. None of that happened and he decided to cut MK's head off to remove the collar. I was too miserable to stop him." Because he had Berry's body in his arms and all. "I was being selfish in wanting him to remember because I needed him."
"I'm glad that it didn't seem like me to either of you, but to me it felt like it. It was like watching a nightmare. Of course I didn't realize the full context until later, but I knew enough or I wouldn't have carried her around all that time."
[ Well … that's better than absolutely nothing, probably? Maybe. Korone nods slowly. ]
Mm. … You've been working hard on opening up and talking, and you've come a long way since we met; I'm really proud of you. Emotional vulnerability doesn't come easily. [ He's a very old monkey learning some very new (to him) tricks. ] Talking about those kinds of games can be especially — for the lack of a better description: eugh. [ And that's coming for her, contender for the "Birdtile's Most Well-Adjusted, Emotionally Open, and Willing to Ask For and Accept Help" crown. ]
They're stupid and awful and bullshit. It sucks that you had to go through any of it. [ Bad enough that Macaque and Red Son got a taste of it in her heart. They never should've had to experience it first-hand. ] … And it's okay to need some time. [ Unlike all those other places, Ellipsa sometimes even lets them take it! Wild! ]
[ Gold collar? … That explains a lot. Korone winces in sympathetic pain. Don't mind her rubbing the back of her neck; she stops and gets back to grooming him quickly enough. ]
Well, fuck. Calling that a nightmare sounds like calling the sun warm. [ Softly, ] I'm sorry, Dad. … I can't blame you for any of that and if it'll help, we can talk about why. If not, I hear you. I'm here. [ Logic and reassurance and solutions have their place, but sometimes simple acknowledgement means more. ]
[ She works on gently removing some loose undercoat. ]
Getting your memories back must've been … I can imagine, a little? But you're my dad. [ She's his child. His young, mortal child. She isn't exactly fragile; by human standards she absolutely isn't. Next to him, though? ] … And, I remember — last year, before your heart game. You told me to run. You don't ask for much; you're always going out of your way to let me decide ... so I knew it was important.
He manages a little smile when she says that she's proud of him. Normally those sort of compliments get more or less brushed off, but not with his kids.
"It sucks that she had to go through it too. Again." He's more worried about that, honestly. To think you're safe only to be thrust back into every bit of trauma? Talk about stupid and awful and bullshit.
"I'm not sure if it'll help to talk about why. It was what it was. I made a choice and I have to live with it. Unfortunately."
He feels a little bit like talking about it will just spread the misery around more.
"Yeah. Getting my memories back was a lot. I handled it better than Red, but not by much." Sure he broke down, but he didn't murder his mate. There are levels to torment like that.
"I think I'd rather you had run into my anger than what happened with MK and the anger, honestly. I'm still not sure the effects of that mess." She'd have filled the voids and run like he told her to, rather than try to fight it.
Ah. That's … hm. [ Hm. ] You mean Berry? … It's kinda weird. Interesting. Looking back, she seemed a lot closer to Blue — maybe Feather? — than 'Choco Korone with amnesia'. But in some ways … [ Hmmm. Food for thought. ]
[ She nuzzles her cheek against his shoulder when he says he's not sure it'd help. ] That's fair. Sometimes I've gotta sit with stuff by myself before I'm ready to think about sharing it … so, I get it. [ And some things she just straight up hasn't talked about! Ever! Because Oh God Big Yikes, etc. After a short pause, she adds, ] Don't rule it out, though? It doesn't have to be today, or anytime soon, or with me. Or all at once.
Wash-nii has this analogy about turning boulders into pebbles. Chiselling away a little at a time. [ Technically that whole thing started with the heart manifestation of his guilt digging his own grave, but Korone thinks it fits well enough for this too. ]
[ … He'd rather — ]
[ Macaque can practically feel her surprise, not least because momentarily stops grooming him. Then again … is it really a surprise? She remembers him telling her about it over the holidays; she'd choked on her drink from sheer holy shit. Korone puffs out her cheeks and blows a sigh through her nose, shaking her head. ]
That … says a lot about how close it was. [ Once again, with feeling: holy shit. ] It's all still settling, then?
[ She resumes grooming. ] I don't consider myself to be 'good' at heart games, but ... mm. They've taught me a lot about picking battles.
"Her memories are your memories, I think. At least it seems like once she got her memories back she was way too fucking comfortable with the situation to be otherwise."
He nods. "I'm not ruling it out. I've learned that talking can help a lot, but also that someone has to be ready. I'm not sure if I'm there yet." Which he knows that she can and will respect. "The boulders into pebbles thing sounds like him. It's a good analogy."
He does indeed feel her surprise, because he was ready for it. "It was close. And I'm not sure all the ramifications have settled in yet. I twisted the elevator shaft open too, to get to MK when he realized what his monkey mode did and started freaking out. So there was a lot, in addition to the rest of my feelings getting rebooted and rearranged."
There's a significant pause in his hands and his voice, and when he speaks again it's barely above a whisper.
"He asked me to meditate enough to give him the ability to use his monkey mode in my heart game. I was hesitant. But he assured me that he could control it, and I'd hurt him enough that I didn't want to come across like I didn't trust him, even though I guess I didn't. Not with that, not fully. And then that happened."
"It's just like the time you and he went to spar." The telepathy incident. "Right before, I was nervous about his control again. But I wanted to trust him. I wanted you two to be friends. All that made me blind. And you were hurt in the way that pains you most. I'm sorry, Choco."
[ Ahaha. Haha. Way too fucking comfortable, indeed. ] Yeaaaah. That was me. [ She chuckles sheepishly. Almost apologetic. ] The moment we got our memories back, I, uh, jumped in front and grabbed the wheel? So to speak. Felt like … waking up in a car and seeing a little kid trying to drive.
[ It's the only way she can think to describe it: a knee-jerk oh shit that's bad, that's dangerous, YEET. She grabbed control of the situation for everyone's safety. ]
[ Macaque's faith is rewarded when Korone immediately nods. ] Got it. Thank you for telling me, Dad.
[ She leaves it at that, sobering all the more as she settles in to listen to him talk about his heart game. It's dizzying to think about what could have happened — what almost did happen. She winces, too, when he describes brute-forcing the elevator shaft. Korone's dive into her own heart to help in the fight against Nyssa did a number on her; she can't imagine his actions being any less impactful. ] Damn … [ A low murmur. ] You weren't kidding about it being a lot.
[ And yet! There's more to come! She's patient, of course, giving him all the time he wordlessly asks for. When he finally does speak, it's in such a quiet voice she stops grooming to concentrate on listening. … And by the time he's finished, she's stunned silent, her heart lodged somewhere in the vicinity of her throat. She swallows thickly. ]
Dad … [ For a long moment, that's all she can offer. That, and the best hug she knows how to give. ]
It wasn't, it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you. I never did.
"Ah," he says, "that makes sense. I didn't want to refer to a her as a you unless I was certain." And in that event he deeply wasn't. "It's not surprising, though. You have the most knowledge of shitty circumstances like that one." Unfortunately.
He nods along with her saying that his heart game was a lot. "I'm still muddling through it a little. It upsets people sometimes when my feelings and opinions change, but that's probably bound to happen given the structure of the heart game."
Macaque hates having to bring up the telepathy incident at all, but it's been bothering him for some time. He hugs his daughter in return. "I know you don't blame me, but it's hard not to blame myself a little. I'm supposed to be your teacher, and his too. And I let my feelings blind me to the reality that you could very well get hurt."
[ You have the most knowledge of shitty circumstances like that one, he says, and Korone … She doesn't freeze. She doesn't stumble or lose her way. But she does take a moment to sit with the thought and the feelings that come with it. Macaque's conscientious approach to … well, everything about this — pretty much everything else, too, when it comes to his kids — makes her just that little bit more willing to engage. ]
There's a lot I'm still figuring out. [ Thank goodness for grooming, also known as the world's best way to fidget. ] About who I am, and the whole DID … thing. How to navigate it. What it means. [ She pauses a moment. ] I think … it feels like — I dunno whether or not Berry is separate now, but everything up until you booped me — trying to think of that as 'me' feels wrong. Like wearing someone else's shoes and clothes and the way they feel, textures are all just … ick — [ She shudders slightly ] — hang on a sec, I gotta shake my wings.
[ A li'l ruffle! As a treat! She'll settle said wings right back where they were afterwards. ]
… But the memories are still there, so it's not like with Koronai. [ Korone rarely, if ever, remembers anything that happens when Koronai fronts. You can bet she has Feelings about it. ]
[ Speaking of feelings, boy oh boy she has m a n y about this particular subject. Her brows furrow gently. ] Upset with you, or-?
Heart games in general, and yours in particular. Yeah. [ She nods, bunting her forehead against his shoulder. ] And — a lot happened after you came to Ellipsa, right? Those things had an impact too, albeit less extreme …
[ Hm. Time to be a baby koala monkey. Even more so than she already was, if that's even possible. ]
I … I wanted to trust him. Ignored my instincts. [ Which had been loud, to say the fucking least. She knew something wasn't right, she'd clocked sign after sign. Maybe if she'd called him on it — ah. Korone shakes her head. That right there is a familiar rabbit hole and we're not going down it today! Nope! It isn't helpful. ] But … for what it's worth — apology accepted. [ She gives him an extra snug squeeze. ] I hope you can forgive yourself in time, Dad.
"Makes sense to me. I mean, as much as I can understand the subject through secondhand and textbooks, what you're saying rings true. I know that names are off limits, but if there was something that you didn't remember, do you like to be told? Or just if it's very important?"
His arms curl around her and he sinks against her just for a moment, which is a fitting prelude to what he says. "Upset with me. Kind of. It's hard to know how to interact with me when my feelings are up, down, swirling all over the place. I don't always think to elucidate why my feeling on something is different now than it was before in the moment. It's just my feeling. I should try to remember to explain what's happening."
He nods. "A lot happened, yes. When I first got here I was afraid to be close to anyone. I changed my mind, obviously, but some of those instincts to flee are still in there."
Time for a cheek nuzzle against her head. "Thank you for accepting my apology. I'll work on forgiving myself for it. It's an odd situation still, especially since Cole is pretty adamant about how I should view that whole event. I'm working on it."
[ This is the stunned silence of a pigeon faced with a new and unexpected question. Please hold. … … Oh! He said something about names being off limits, didn't he? She circles back around to that first; it's easier. ]
Only Blue's, and I guess Wash-nii's nickname for us. [ Feather. ] The name thing. Koronai is fine. I dunno what's up with Berry, if anything, but if I can say that much without anything hurting, that's fine too. [ The movement of her fingers strays from actual grooming towards gentle fidgeting. ] And, your question … I dunno if anybody's asked me that before.
[ She's going to have to think about it. Maybe roll around the floor a bit — or a lot. An activity for later either way, on account of her being very comfortable in her dad's arms. ]
[ … And then he's letting himself lean against her, sinking into her, and that says a lot about how he must be feeling. What he goes on to actually say is — ]
[ Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ]
[ Korone snuggles into him, cooing low and completely subconsciously. If anyone can understand heart game fallout, it's this pigeon. On both sides of the equation. ] That really sucks. I wouldn't — I don't — always think to explain either, unless someone asks me? It's like you said: you're just feeling how you're feeling.
[ Add in the fact that he's still pretty new to this whole 'connecting with others' and 'emotional vulnerability' and 'not running away and-or setting fire to bridges and salting the earth' thing, of course he's gonna struggle. ]
Would that help? Asking people to ask if they're worried or confused?
… [ She trails off, frowning. ]
"Adamant about how you should view it" … What does that mean?
"Oh. You'd told me at one point not to say any of the names to you, so I was being cautious. GOod to know about Koronai, though."
He nods. "All right, let me know when you decide. I know that memories might be case by case." He'd probably consult with Wash before doing anything.
"I guess it might help, asking people to ask me. It's better than arguing about it or me thinking I've been clear when I really haven't."
Macaque hasn't mentioned the Cole thing since he doesn't want to worry anyone, but it's weighing on him, so... "Cole is absolutely certain that what MK did to you was accidental. I've had my doubts, and this really upsets Cole. He thinks that I should trust him and MK far enough to believe it. And it bothers him overall that I sometimes don't take his advice about MK. It's kind of complicated by the fact that MK is his main emotional foundation, and I have the pillar thing going on, so disharmony between me and MK gets to Cole on an existential level. It's how his kind works. Cole and I, and Cole and MK I think, agreed to just not talk about me and MK, but he can still sense the tension. So me not taking his advice about MK bothers him on that foundational level, and also because he hates not being able to help."
"I tried explaining to him that I don't have struggles with MK at him, but him being what he is makes that not really matter, they effect him. And we kept going around and around about it, and it was driving us further apart. So I agreed to start trying to believe him about MK and he agreed to not take it personally when I need to find my own way rather than take his advice."
"...Unfortunately, the result is just that I'm not telling him things. Which bothers him I know, but I just want to keep the peace. And Cole also told me that he's jealous that I do take Wash's advice. Cole and I have been a mess for over a year now which definitely means that I'm shit at being his pillar. I just also feel like I deserve to make my own choices even if sometimes they're not great ones without being made to feel guilty about it. I hate that this impacts Cole, but I don't think making choices that I'm not comfortable with for his sake is very healthy either."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
[ Also, well, since her hand is already where it is … maybe some light grooming, as a treat. ]
Anyway, the iguanalogy! [ Hmmm. ] I've seen a lot of bullshit and I don't always know what my triggers are until they come up. … Plus, sometimes, some days, something that wouldn't usually bother me will. Or vice versa.
So it can help to start with a general theme or topic. It gets me thinking, gives me a chance to check in with myself.
no subject
Macaque purrs a bit as she grooms his hair.
"I see. Start off generally and then narrow down to specifics if all goes okay."
no subject
[ But she nods. ]
Yeah. Pretty much. It's not something I always need, just, if you're unsure or worried.
no subject
"So... are you in a good place for those discussions? Where do you want to start?" Cursed game or heart game, what shitty options.
no subject
[ She wants to ask more about Macaque's thoughts and observations. Really wants to, in fact, and she wiggles a teensy bit before she catches herself. It'd be a hell of a tangent (albeit a (probably?) pleasant one; certainly in comparison with the actual matters at hand.) ]
Mmhm. I'm in a good place for them. [ She's rather calm all things considered, snuggled up all cosy practically in his lap and grooming his hair section by section. ] Maybe let's … mm, start with the cursed game? It's -- I think the main? reason I suggested talking earlier.
no subject
He can feel her wanting to ask more about it, and is hoping she will because delays and distractions would be good, if only delaying the inevitable.
He nods. "Okay. What about it?" he asks, not managing to be casual.
no subject
After a moment to consider … she drops the glamours on her wings and tail completely, and makes a small gesture of invitation with the former. If he wants a distraction, something to do with his hands, he's welcome to get in on some preening. If he'd rather not, that's fine too. ]
[ Neurodivergence Distractions later. ]
Is that what was on your mind, when we were talking about Evolution? ... It feels like what that thing did has been really weighing on you. [ She's been picking up on his anxiety and guilt over the incident since it happened. She doesn't blame him in the slightest, That Fucking Thing was not him, but... ]
no subject
"There's a lot I did in that game that weighs on me. And a lot that was done to us, too." He goes quiet for a second, just preening for a long moment.
"It was my shadow that killed her. My using the memory scroll that made Red go bonkers and kill MK."
no subject
The itchiness and sensitivity make her wings a bit twitchy on occasion, but she's relaxed, trusting him not to mess around with the feathers that aren't ready yet. They're easily damaged and bleed an absolute fuckton, ask her how she knows. ]
[ She waits and listens patiently, though she blinks, brows furrowing, when he says it was his shadow. Blinks again when he says her, before it clicks; she lets out a little sound of acknowledgement. And that bit about Red Son and MK … ]
You've been carrying that all by yourself for so long … [ It's not quite phrased as a question. She's seen his tendency to throw himself into taking care of his people at his own expense, and it's hard to imagine him turning to any of his mates considering who was involved. ]
I never heard exactly what happened with MK-kun and Red Son. Guessed some from context, but … [ She sighs softly. ] How could it have been your fault? [ It's a genuine question. She wants to know where he's coming from. ]
And, that shadow —
Speaking from my own perspective, here … and with the understanding that it might not change how you see it; how you feel about it …
It didn't register as you or your shadow. To her, or me. It was like — like something that was trying to be something it wasn't? But it couldn't hit the mark. It was weird and jarring and it felt wrong. It didn't move right, the colors were off, it didn't … ugh, I dunno how to describe it. Stupid fucking Mimics. [ UGH. ]
[ Stupid Kaito. Stupid, stupid Kid. And, more than anything or anyone else right now: stupid FUCKING whoever made that godawful piece of shit game. ]
no subject
"Not entirely by myself, I've had a few scattered conversations about it." But mostly. He hates trying to talk about something so upsetting. Maybe he should try Lucifer.
He sighs. "I didn't know that MK was wearing the gold collar when I convinced Red to turn his memories back on. If I had, I'd have known he'd flip his shit and would have come up with a plan before I gave him his memories back. None of that happened and he decided to cut MK's head off to remove the collar. I was too miserable to stop him." Because he had Berry's body in his arms and all. "I was being selfish in wanting him to remember because I needed him."
"I'm glad that it didn't seem like me to either of you, but to me it felt like it. It was like watching a nightmare. Of course I didn't realize the full context until later, but I knew enough or I wouldn't have carried her around all that time."
no subject
Mm. … You've been working hard on opening up and talking, and you've come a long way since we met; I'm really proud of you. Emotional vulnerability doesn't come easily. [ He's a very old monkey learning some very new (to him) tricks. ] Talking about those kinds of games can be especially — for the lack of a better description: eugh. [ And that's coming for her, contender for the "Birdtile's Most Well-Adjusted, Emotionally Open, and Willing to Ask For and Accept Help" crown. ]
They're stupid and awful and bullshit. It sucks that you had to go through any of it. [ Bad enough that Macaque and Red Son got a taste of it in her heart. They never should've had to experience it first-hand. ] … And it's okay to need some time. [ Unlike all those other places, Ellipsa sometimes even lets them take it! Wild! ]
[ Gold collar? … That explains a lot. Korone winces in sympathetic pain. Don't mind her rubbing the back of her neck; she stops and gets back to grooming him quickly enough. ]
Well, fuck. Calling that a nightmare sounds like calling the sun warm. [ Softly, ] I'm sorry, Dad. … I can't blame you for any of that and if it'll help, we can talk about why. If not, I hear you. I'm here. [ Logic and reassurance and solutions have their place, but sometimes simple acknowledgement means more. ]
[ She works on gently removing some loose undercoat. ]
Getting your memories back must've been … I can imagine, a little? But you're my dad. [ She's his child. His young, mortal child. She isn't exactly fragile; by human standards she absolutely isn't. Next to him, though? ] … And, I remember — last year, before your heart game. You told me to run. You don't ask for much; you're always going out of your way to let me decide ... so I knew it was important.
no subject
"It sucks that she had to go through it too. Again." He's more worried about that, honestly. To think you're safe only to be thrust back into every bit of trauma? Talk about stupid and awful and bullshit.
"I'm not sure if it'll help to talk about why. It was what it was. I made a choice and I have to live with it. Unfortunately."
He feels a little bit like talking about it will just spread the misery around more.
"Yeah. Getting my memories back was a lot. I handled it better than Red, but not by much." Sure he broke down, but he didn't murder his mate. There are levels to torment like that.
"I think I'd rather you had run into my anger than what happened with MK and the anger, honestly. I'm still not sure the effects of that mess." She'd have filled the voids and run like he told her to, rather than try to fight it.
no subject
[ She nuzzles her cheek against his shoulder when he says he's not sure it'd help. ] That's fair. Sometimes I've gotta sit with stuff by myself before I'm ready to think about sharing it … so, I get it. [ And some things she just straight up hasn't talked about! Ever! Because Oh God Big Yikes, etc. After a short pause, she adds, ] Don't rule it out, though? It doesn't have to be today, or anytime soon, or with me. Or all at once.
Wash-nii has this analogy about turning boulders into pebbles. Chiselling away a little at a time. [ Technically that whole thing started with the heart manifestation of his guilt digging his own grave, but Korone thinks it fits well enough for this too. ]
[ … He'd rather — ]
[ Macaque can practically feel her surprise, not least because momentarily stops grooming him. Then again … is it really a surprise? She remembers him telling her about it over the holidays; she'd choked on her drink from sheer holy shit. Korone puffs out her cheeks and blows a sigh through her nose, shaking her head. ]
That … says a lot about how close it was. [ Once again, with feeling: holy shit. ] It's all still settling, then?
[ She resumes grooming. ] I don't consider myself to be 'good' at heart games, but ... mm. They've taught me a lot about picking battles.
no subject
He nods. "I'm not ruling it out. I've learned that talking can help a lot, but also that someone has to be ready. I'm not sure if I'm there yet." Which he knows that she can and will respect.
"The boulders into pebbles thing sounds like him. It's a good analogy."
He does indeed feel her surprise, because he was ready for it. "It was close. And I'm not sure all the ramifications have settled in yet. I twisted the elevator shaft open too, to get to MK when he realized what his monkey mode did and started freaking out. So there was a lot, in addition to the rest of my feelings getting rebooted and rearranged."
There's a significant pause in his hands and his voice, and when he speaks again it's barely above a whisper.
"He asked me to meditate enough to give him the ability to use his monkey mode in my heart game. I was hesitant. But he assured me that he could control it, and I'd hurt him enough that I didn't want to come across like I didn't trust him, even though I guess I didn't. Not with that, not fully. And then that happened."
"It's just like the time you and he went to spar." The telepathy incident. "Right before, I was nervous about his control again. But I wanted to trust him. I wanted you two to be friends. All that made me blind. And you were hurt in the way that pains you most. I'm sorry, Choco."
no subject
[ It's the only way she can think to describe it: a knee-jerk oh shit that's bad, that's dangerous, YEET. She grabbed control of the situation for everyone's safety. ]
[ Macaque's faith is rewarded when Korone immediately nods. ] Got it. Thank you for telling me, Dad.
[ She leaves it at that, sobering all the more as she settles in to listen to him talk about his heart game. It's dizzying to think about what could have happened — what almost did happen. She winces, too, when he describes brute-forcing the elevator shaft. Korone's dive into her own heart to help in the fight against Nyssa did a number on her; she can't imagine his actions being any less impactful. ] Damn … [ A low murmur. ] You weren't kidding about it being a lot.
[ And yet! There's more to come! She's patient, of course, giving him all the time he wordlessly asks for. When he finally does speak, it's in such a quiet voice she stops grooming to concentrate on listening. … And by the time he's finished, she's stunned silent, her heart lodged somewhere in the vicinity of her throat. She swallows thickly. ]
Dad … [ For a long moment, that's all she can offer. That, and the best hug she knows how to give. ]
It wasn't, it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you. I never did.
no subject
He nods along with her saying that his heart game was a lot. "I'm still muddling through it a little. It upsets people sometimes when my feelings and opinions change, but that's probably bound to happen given the structure of the heart game."
Macaque hates having to bring up the telepathy incident at all, but it's been bothering him for some time. He hugs his daughter in return. "I know you don't blame me, but it's hard not to blame myself a little. I'm supposed to be your teacher, and his too. And I let my feelings blind me to the reality that you could very well get hurt."
no subject
There's a lot I'm still figuring out. [ Thank goodness for grooming, also known as the world's best way to fidget. ] About who I am, and the whole DID … thing. How to navigate it. What it means. [ She pauses a moment. ] I think … it feels like — I dunno whether or not Berry is separate now, but everything up until you booped me — trying to think of that as 'me' feels wrong. Like wearing someone else's shoes and clothes and the way they feel, textures are all just … ick — [ She shudders slightly ] — hang on a sec, I gotta shake my wings.
[ A li'l ruffle! As a treat! She'll settle said wings right back where they were afterwards. ]
… But the memories are still there, so it's not like with Koronai. [ Korone rarely, if ever, remembers anything that happens when Koronai fronts. You can bet she has Feelings about it. ]
[ Speaking of feelings, boy oh boy she has m a n y about this particular subject. Her brows furrow gently. ] Upset with you, or-?
Heart games in general, and yours in particular. Yeah. [ She nods, bunting her forehead against his shoulder. ] And — a lot happened after you came to Ellipsa, right? Those things had an impact too, albeit less extreme …
[ Hm. Time to be a baby
koalamonkey. Even more so than she already was, if that's even possible. ]I … I wanted to trust him. Ignored my instincts. [ Which had been loud, to say the fucking least. She knew something wasn't right, she'd clocked sign after sign. Maybe if she'd called him on it — ah. Korone shakes her head. That right there is a familiar rabbit hole and we're not going down it today! Nope! It isn't helpful. ] But … for what it's worth — apology accepted. [ She gives him an extra snug squeeze. ] I hope you can forgive yourself in time, Dad.
no subject
His arms curl around her and he sinks against her just for a moment, which is a fitting prelude to what he says. "Upset with me. Kind of. It's hard to know how to interact with me when my feelings are up, down, swirling all over the place. I don't always think to elucidate why my feeling on something is different now than it was before in the moment. It's just my feeling. I should try to remember to explain what's happening."
He nods. "A lot happened, yes. When I first got here I was afraid to be close to anyone. I changed my mind, obviously, but some of those instincts to flee are still in there."
Time for a cheek nuzzle against her head. "Thank you for accepting my apology. I'll work on forgiving myself for it. It's an odd situation still, especially since Cole is pretty adamant about how I should view that whole event. I'm working on it."
no subject
[ This is the stunned silence of a pigeon faced with a new and unexpected question. Please hold. … … Oh! He said something about names being off limits, didn't he? She circles back around to that first; it's easier. ]
Only Blue's, and I guess Wash-nii's nickname for us. [ Feather. ] The name thing. Koronai is fine. I dunno what's up with Berry, if anything, but if I can say that much without anything hurting, that's fine too. [ The movement of her fingers strays from actual grooming towards gentle fidgeting. ] And, your question … I dunno if anybody's asked me that before.
[ She's going to have to think about it. Maybe roll around the floor a bit — or a lot. An activity for later either way, on account of her being very comfortable in her dad's arms. ]
[ … And then he's letting himself lean against her, sinking into her, and that says a lot about how he must be feeling. What he goes on to actually say is — ]
[ Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ]
[ Korone snuggles into him, cooing low and completely subconsciously. If anyone can understand heart game fallout, it's this pigeon. On both sides of the equation. ] That really sucks. I wouldn't — I don't — always think to explain either, unless someone asks me? It's like you said: you're just feeling how you're feeling.
[ Add in the fact that he's still pretty new to this whole 'connecting with others' and 'emotional vulnerability' and 'not running away and-or setting fire to bridges and salting the earth' thing, of course he's gonna struggle. ]
Would that help? Asking people to ask if they're worried or confused?
… [ She trails off, frowning. ]
"Adamant about how you should view it" … What does that mean?
no subject
He nods. "All right, let me know when you decide. I know that memories might be case by case." He'd probably consult with Wash before doing anything.
"I guess it might help, asking people to ask me. It's better than arguing about it or me thinking I've been clear when I really haven't."
Macaque hasn't mentioned the Cole thing since he doesn't want to worry anyone, but it's weighing on him, so... "Cole is absolutely certain that what MK did to you was accidental. I've had my doubts, and this really upsets Cole. He thinks that I should trust him and MK far enough to believe it. And it bothers him overall that I sometimes don't take his advice about MK. It's kind of complicated by the fact that MK is his main emotional foundation, and I have the pillar thing going on, so disharmony between me and MK gets to Cole on an existential level. It's how his kind works. Cole and I, and Cole and MK I think, agreed to just not talk about me and MK, but he can still sense the tension. So me not taking his advice about MK bothers him on that foundational level, and also because he hates not being able to help."
"I tried explaining to him that I don't have struggles with MK at him, but him being what he is makes that not really matter, they effect him. And we kept going around and around about it, and it was driving us further apart. So I agreed to start trying to believe him about MK and he agreed to not take it personally when I need to find my own way rather than take his advice."
"...Unfortunately, the result is just that I'm not telling him things. Which bothers him I know, but I just want to keep the peace. And Cole also told me that he's jealous that I do take Wash's advice. Cole and I have been a mess for over a year now which definitely means that I'm shit at being his pillar. I just also feel like I deserve to make my own choices even if sometimes they're not great ones without being made to feel guilty about it. I hate that this impacts Cole, but I don't think making choices that I'm not comfortable with for his sake is very healthy either."