"I'm pretty sure your opening up to me" about Epsilon "was the first good thing that was hard to do emotionally. Dragging your ass out of the blood was comparatively easy."
A pause. "I'm glad you lean on me when things are hard. Even if it's not always pretty. Makes me feel like I'm able to repay what you've done for me."
"I think you just like to sell yourself short," Wash said with a huff, and knocking his head against Macaque's gently
"Mac, you do plenty for me," Wash said, turning his head to look at Macaque. "I told Maine you make me feel safe. I said that because Maine understands what that means. And that was for a me who was a lot less hurt. Safety is a hell of a thing for those who were stuck in a genocidal war."
"Hell, I only got through that interaction because I knew you were listening. It makes it a lot easier to strangle all my fear and survival instincts when I know worst came to worst, I could count on you. I could take the risks I did because you would be there if it had blown up in my face."
At first, Macaque thinks he knows where this is going. Yeah, he's had this conversation with Cole. But in that case, the "retaliation" was a list of concrete tasks. It wasn't...
Well. Emotional support stuff. Things that Macaque constantly feels like he's flailing about and fucking up. Hell, there's plenty of objective evidence that he fucks them up.
But not with Wash, apparently. Macaque manages to shut his defense mechanisms up long enough to actually listen. And he can't argue with Wash's own perception of his experience, he can't. Not to Wash, not now. Even if he has no fucking clue how he achieved any of that.
Macaque breathes in, then out, feeling warmed from the inside in a way he hasn't felt so often in his life.
"You can always count on me when you need me." He can't and won't promise to do it perfectly, or hell even get it right most of the time, but that he can absolutely promise. He'll try, and he gets the feeling that most of the time, that would be enough. He's honestly equally grateful for that as he is for Wash's actual words.
He reaches up to run his fingers through Wash's hair before he can help himself. Grooming instinct kicks up when he's feeling this way. (If it's too much, he stops instantly.)
Sometimes you are dating a monkey man whose nearly unkillable, who can bench press a truck, be by your side in an instant, and nine times out of ten will know when you're in actual danger.
Who also knows what its like to be stabbed in the back and clearly hates it.
And when you're used to feeling unsafe, because people stab you in the back, because they aren't strong enough to help you, because they DIE, having someone who isn't any of that counters a lot of Wash's lowkey anxiety with most people.
Plus all the other stuff, like how hard Macaque tries, how patient he can be, how he's willing to wait, but also act when he needs to.
Wash is pretty sure Macaque would rather gouge out his other eye then not be there for Wash and that does a lot.
"I know," he said. He sighs and closes his eyes, letting Macaque groom. Its helping balance him a little. He still needs to sort out the stuck gears. "Sometimes people don't need the acts of service to be assured," he said softly. "Knowing you're in my corner, and in Choco's corner, that does way more than most anything else. People being there makes a world of difference. I was only recognizable as a person to Maine because of people like you who chose to be in my corner after a long time of me not having people."
Macaque would do more than gouge out his eye before choosing not to be there for Wash. He doesn't discount not being there by accident, though.
He still thinks Wash deserves at least some credit for how well this works, though. Wash explains things in a way that he can understand, that makes sense to him, that makes it easy to listen. Like in this conversation, if there's a disagreement about what to do at least Macaque feels heard and understood, and that's enough to get him to do the same in return.
He wishes it translated so well to the rest of his relationships. (Things are improving but still have a ways to go.)
Macaque keeps grooming as long as Wash seems to like it. Or at least tolerate it.
"I believe you." Which is a small fucking miracle. "I can't explain why, but it's easy with you. And with Choco. So... you make me feel safe too. And you probably know what a big deal that is for me, as well."
"I do," Wash said, a hand reaching out to rest on Macaque's back. Stroking small circles there. "Choco has always been good at finding a way to connect to people who have the hardest time doing so. And I've had to communicate with a lot of....let's say eccentric people."
He is hard pressed to think of anyone he's close to who is truly normal.
"I'm glad I can give you that. Someone who makes sense. It can help to have a port even if things are rough with others who are important in your life," he said. It was kind of why having a support NETWORK was important. If things were rough with one person, another could help.
Like when Donut helped him when he was on the rocks with Carolina.
The problem with stroking Macaque's back is that you get purring. Or maybe that was by design.
This conversation is surreal. It's not like Macaque has nowhere else that feels easy -- Lucifer and Red Son spring to mind -- it's more that they don't really explain it like this.
Much as he'd like to hear more of it, he wants to help Wash more than he wants to hear compliments. And Wash seems more relaxed now.
"So what's the plan with Maine?" he asks as he keeps on with his grooming. They established that Wash isn't going to tell him the bad news, so...?
"...I see if I can keep my cool," Wash said. "To be fair, Maine isn't the first dead friend to show up on me. North did in Kyriakos. It was just I didn't kill North...I killed his sister."
Which! Was its own complication!!!
"Maine is just a lot more intense because we were closer and...prolonged," he said, voice softening.
"Maine never did anything to me. It was the Meta and Sigma, it was never him. Hell, out of everyone, Maine was the only one who never chose to leave me behind." Because that choice was taken away. "For all that happened, I still care about him, a lot."
"And...there is the chance to change his fate here. Either making sure he doesn't go back to his timeline and doing a jump or a bunch of other things. He doesn't have to go back to that."
Macaque nods. "All right. However I can help with that, I will." Without question. He might not know Maine beyond a three minute piece of weirdness, but he knows and cares about Wash and that's enough.
"Even if all I can do is help you keep your cool."
Wash hummed and shifts. Turns to press his face into Macaque's fur. "You help. A lot of the not cool is fear of things getting out of hand and knowing I can just ask you to literally send us to opposite side of Ellipsa if need be is a very helpful safety net to keep the bad brain thoughts at bay. Just having the option makes it easier to keep it all together."
Macaque chuckles. "Okay, I'll rephrase. I'd like to do more than be a source of potential portals, but if I can't, then okay." Sometimes there's no direct way to be of help, and he has to accept that.
"Unfortunately that will be a wait and see. If nothing else, I need to touch base with Carolina. She either has to be in the Project herself, or at least after Chorus. She would have pulled a gun herself before then," Wash said. "If she's in the Project, its lying to her about stuff. If its Chorus, then I'll need her in the plan too. Out of everyone in the Project, Maine was close with Carolina and me and his list wasn't much bigger than that."
Maine meant a lot to them. Which is why things turning out the way they did hurt them so much.
"I'm hoping Chorus. It'll be a lot easier to talk to her about stuff if its Chorus, she'll be a lot more inclined to believe the stuff I'm telling her that absolutely sounds like bullshit for people from our world," he said with a deep sigh.
"Hmm....its more unsticking the gears. I can't really tell you whose in the driver's seat right now," he said. "I haven't had this reaction in a while, its hard to gauge anything about it."
It isn't news to Macaque that Carolina is back, of course. Apparently with no memories of before. Well, she was easy enough to get along with even as prickly as she was. Slash is.
"For your sake, I'll hope for that too." Make things easier on Wash, life.
He keeps up his grooming, hoping that maybe the touch will be grounding if nothing else. "You do a nice job of not letting it effect your conversational style. I'm not surprised, but I wouldn't have known. Would a name help, or be too much right now?"
"No. The only name with enough punch is going to lead to a complete and messy dismantling and then I really might give into the urge of letting Feather or Ai-chan drive and that would make the grooming a lot weirder," he said.
Macaque chuckles at the thought. It's not really funny, or wouldn't be if it happened, but as a hypothetical he can chuckle a little. "All right, no names."
If nothing else, he's gotten good, with Wash, and with Choco, at asking and believing the answer without taking everything so fucking personally. It's nice.
"Subject change. I might talk later. I need to make sure Choco knows Maine, not Meta is here. I'm mostly sure she can't clock his face, but I can't be certain without zoning out. And she'll definitely have thoughts, so who knows what will get dislodged then," he said, nuzzling against Macaque's shoulder.
"Tell me about your day. Or something like that. Something less stressful."
"I got two cases of the booze that makes immortals instantly drunk. Great stuff for those of us who drink. I got two new books on the science of cooking and learned to make the perfect whipped cream. I asked Cole if he would be interested in seeing a therapist and he said yes, then I asked Max if he could swap my being Cole's pillar away from me and to someone else, and he said yes. Which I think will help a lot. The pillar thing short circuited my brain."
"One, you will have to make that whipped cream, you can't say that and not let us eat it," he said. "Two, good for Cole. Proud of him. Its hard admitting when you need therapy."
"Three, I'm glad and you should do that because its clear the pillar thing fucks you up. Just make sure Cole knows?"
"Why do you think I wanted to learn to make the perfect whipped cream?" He nudges Wash a bit for emphasis.
"I'll tell Cole. I asked Max not to say anything to anyone until I get a chance to. I think he'll be hurt... well, he'll definitely be hurt... but it's too much for me. I'm not good enough with my feelings to separate the genuine want that I have to be around Cole with the obligation of the pillar thing. It's too big. I hope he sees what I see, that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with us if we can jut release me from this thing."
"Yes, good. I'll make sure the strawberries are ready," he said. Because that is very important to go with whipped cream. Or cocoa. One of those.
He nods. "Probably. Cole is....very young, mentally. And rigid. But you're trying to grow and you really shouldn't be making pillars on changing ground. And its not a failure to recognize you're not the best thing for a person because of your two mental states, even if the pillar is different, but kind of makes it more important to be realistic."
"I'll make sure there's enough for the strawberries and your nose." So there.
Macaque nods. "He is. He's had a lot of trauma in his short life." Which explains a lot. "I'm glad you don't think it's a failure, because I've struggled with that. But I've struggled more with believing I'm failing him constantly by being a shitty pillar."
"Its a hard thing. You want to be there to support the people you care about and you should. But sometimes you're just not in a place or the best person to do. Its why I'm so glad Choco and I have more people now. Yeah, we could depend on each other, but also we were always dancing on toxic codependency. Now we can rely on other people so we don't get ourselves overwhelmed," he said. "Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is admit you aren't the best."
Go on, doubt him. Your nose will be covered in whipped cream so help him.
"Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. I made an effort to get over the pillar thing and I can't." He can't imagine feeling the weight of that and being okay.
"Because I talk to you and listen to your advice. Cole really wants to help and I've tried to tell him that just listening is help, but we've had a whole thing about his advice and me opting not to take it.:
Who says doubt, he awaits with bated breath for Macaque to be cute.
"Its a lot. Anyone who doesn't think its a lot...well, okay, they might actually be good pillars because that's probably going to be a pretty straight forward way of thinking. Caboose would be like that," he said. Caboose would probably be a good pillar. It took him fourteen seasons to have an actual character crisis that lasted for any extended amount of time.
"But that is a rare sort of person. Pretty sure anyone who understands it would have a bit of a spiral at least."
"Ah. I mean, it sounds like you trying to tell him your problems would make the pillar thing more unstable," he said. "And a key part of giving advice is its usually best to give it and let the person decide when they take it. If its pressing, hope its sooner than later, but people are stubborn and take time to change how they're handling stuff more often than not."
Macaque nods along. "You've got it exactly. Maybe it wouldn't be too much for someone who is secure in themselves, but since being here, since my heart game, that's not me."
He sighs. "When I don't take Cole's advice, he thinks both that I don't trust him and that he failed. I did try to tell him that I need to be able to make my own choices, even if that means mistakes, but I don't think it changed his mind much until I made a promise to believe his view of certain things, mostly revolving around MK, and he agreed to try not to feel like a failure when i don't take his advice."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
A pause. "I'm glad you lean on me when things are hard. Even if it's not always pretty. Makes me feel like I'm able to repay what you've done for me."
no subject
"Mac, you do plenty for me," Wash said, turning his head to look at Macaque. "I told Maine you make me feel safe. I said that because Maine understands what that means. And that was for a me who was a lot less hurt. Safety is a hell of a thing for those who were stuck in a genocidal war."
"Hell, I only got through that interaction because I knew you were listening. It makes it a lot easier to strangle all my fear and survival instincts when I know worst came to worst, I could count on you. I could take the risks I did because you would be there if it had blown up in my face."
no subject
Well. Emotional support stuff. Things that Macaque constantly feels like he's flailing about and fucking up. Hell, there's plenty of objective evidence that he fucks them up.
But not with Wash, apparently. Macaque manages to shut his defense mechanisms up long enough to actually listen. And he can't argue with Wash's own perception of his experience, he can't. Not to Wash, not now. Even if he has no fucking clue how he achieved any of that.
Macaque breathes in, then out, feeling warmed from the inside in a way he hasn't felt so often in his life.
"You can always count on me when you need me." He can't and won't promise to do it perfectly, or hell even get it right most of the time, but that he can absolutely promise. He'll try, and he gets the feeling that most of the time, that would be enough. He's honestly equally grateful for that as he is for Wash's actual words.
He reaches up to run his fingers through Wash's hair before he can help himself. Grooming instinct kicks up when he's feeling this way. (If it's too much, he stops instantly.)
no subject
Who also knows what its like to be stabbed in the back and clearly hates it.
And when you're used to feeling unsafe, because people stab you in the back, because they aren't strong enough to help you, because they DIE, having someone who isn't any of that counters a lot of Wash's lowkey anxiety with most people.
Plus all the other stuff, like how hard Macaque tries, how patient he can be, how he's willing to wait, but also act when he needs to.
Wash is pretty sure Macaque would rather gouge out his other eye then not be there for Wash and that does a lot.
"I know," he said. He sighs and closes his eyes, letting Macaque groom. Its helping balance him a little. He still needs to sort out the stuck gears. "Sometimes people don't need the acts of service to be assured," he said softly. "Knowing you're in my corner, and in Choco's corner, that does way more than most anything else. People being there makes a world of difference. I was only recognizable as a person to Maine because of people like you who chose to be in my corner after a long time of me not having people."
no subject
He still thinks Wash deserves at least some credit for how well this works, though. Wash explains things in a way that he can understand, that makes sense to him, that makes it easy to listen. Like in this conversation, if there's a disagreement about what to do at least Macaque feels heard and understood, and that's enough to get him to do the same in return.
He wishes it translated so well to the rest of his relationships. (Things are improving but still have a ways to go.)
Macaque keeps grooming as long as Wash seems to like it. Or at least tolerate it.
"I believe you." Which is a small fucking miracle. "I can't explain why, but it's easy with you. And with Choco. So... you make me feel safe too. And you probably know what a big deal that is for me, as well."
no subject
He is hard pressed to think of anyone he's close to who is truly normal.
"I'm glad I can give you that. Someone who makes sense. It can help to have a port even if things are rough with others who are important in your life," he said. It was kind of why having a support NETWORK was important. If things were rough with one person, another could help.
Like when Donut helped him when he was on the rocks with Carolina.
no subject
This conversation is surreal. It's not like Macaque has nowhere else that feels easy -- Lucifer and Red Son spring to mind -- it's more that they don't really explain it like this.
Much as he'd like to hear more of it, he wants to help Wash more than he wants to hear compliments. And Wash seems more relaxed now.
"So what's the plan with Maine?" he asks as he keeps on with his grooming. They established that Wash isn't going to tell him the bad news, so...?
no subject
Which! Was its own complication!!!
"Maine is just a lot more intense because we were closer and...prolonged," he said, voice softening.
"Maine never did anything to me. It was the Meta and Sigma, it was never him. Hell, out of everyone, Maine was the only one who never chose to leave me behind." Because that choice was taken away. "For all that happened, I still care about him, a lot."
"And...there is the chance to change his fate here. Either making sure he doesn't go back to his timeline and doing a jump or a bunch of other things. He doesn't have to go back to that."
no subject
"Even if all I can do is help you keep your cool."
no subject
no subject
"Are you calming down at all?"
no subject
Maine meant a lot to them. Which is why things turning out the way they did hurt them so much.
"I'm hoping Chorus. It'll be a lot easier to talk to her about stuff if its Chorus, she'll be a lot more inclined to believe the stuff I'm telling her that absolutely sounds like bullshit for people from our world," he said with a deep sigh.
"Hmm....its more unsticking the gears. I can't really tell you whose in the driver's seat right now," he said. "I haven't had this reaction in a while, its hard to gauge anything about it."
no subject
"For your sake, I'll hope for that too." Make things easier on Wash, life.
He keeps up his grooming, hoping that maybe the touch will be grounding if nothing else. "You do a nice job of not letting it effect your conversational style. I'm not surprised, but I wouldn't have known. Would a name help, or be too much right now?"
no subject
"No. The only name with enough punch is going to lead to a complete and messy dismantling and then I really might give into the urge of letting Feather or Ai-chan drive and that would make the grooming a lot weirder," he said.
no subject
If nothing else, he's gotten good, with Wash, and with Choco, at asking and believing the answer without taking everything so fucking personally. It's nice.
"Talk more or subject change?"
no subject
"Tell me about your day. Or something like that. Something less stressful."
no subject
Distractions, he can do that.
"I got two cases of the booze that makes immortals instantly drunk. Great stuff for those of us who drink. I got two new books on the science of cooking and learned to make the perfect whipped cream. I asked Cole if he would be interested in seeing a therapist and he said yes, then I asked Max if he could swap my being Cole's pillar away from me and to someone else, and he said yes. Which I think will help a lot. The pillar thing short circuited my brain."
no subject
"Three, I'm glad and you should do that because its clear the pillar thing fucks you up. Just make sure Cole knows?"
no subject
"I'll tell Cole. I asked Max not to say anything to anyone until I get a chance to. I think he'll be hurt... well, he'll definitely be hurt... but it's too much for me. I'm not good enough with my feelings to separate the genuine want that I have to be around Cole with the obligation of the pillar thing. It's too big. I hope he sees what I see, that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with us if we can jut release me from this thing."
no subject
He nods. "Probably. Cole is....very young, mentally. And rigid. But you're trying to grow and you really shouldn't be making pillars on changing ground. And its not a failure to recognize you're not the best thing for a person because of your two mental states, even if the pillar is different, but kind of makes it more important to be realistic."
no subject
Macaque nods. "He is. He's had a lot of trauma in his short life." Which explains a lot. "I'm glad you don't think it's a failure, because I've struggled with that. But I've struggled more with believing I'm failing him constantly by being a shitty pillar."
"...He's jealous of you, you know."
no subject
"Its a hard thing. You want to be there to support the people you care about and you should. But sometimes you're just not in a place or the best person to do. Its why I'm so glad Choco and I have more people now. Yeah, we could depend on each other, but also we were always dancing on toxic codependency. Now we can rely on other people so we don't get ourselves overwhelmed," he said. "Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is admit you aren't the best."
He paused. "...why?"
no subject
"Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. I made an effort to get over the pillar thing and I can't." He can't imagine feeling the weight of that and being okay.
"Because I talk to you and listen to your advice. Cole really wants to help and I've tried to tell him that just listening is help, but we've had a whole thing about his advice and me opting not to take it.:
no subject
"Its a lot. Anyone who doesn't think its a lot...well, okay, they might actually be good pillars because that's probably going to be a pretty straight forward way of thinking. Caboose would be like that," he said. Caboose would probably be a good pillar. It took him fourteen seasons to have an actual character crisis that lasted for any extended amount of time.
"But that is a rare sort of person. Pretty sure anyone who understands it would have a bit of a spiral at least."
"Ah. I mean, it sounds like you trying to tell him your problems would make the pillar thing more unstable," he said. "And a key part of giving advice is its usually best to give it and let the person decide when they take it. If its pressing, hope its sooner than later, but people are stubborn and take time to change how they're handling stuff more often than not."
no subject
Macaque nods along. "You've got it exactly. Maybe it wouldn't be too much for someone who is secure in themselves, but since being here, since my heart game, that's not me."
He sighs. "When I don't take Cole's advice, he thinks both that I don't trust him and that he failed. I did try to tell him that I need to be able to make my own choices, even if that means mistakes, but I don't think it changed his mind much until I made a promise to believe his view of certain things, mostly revolving around MK, and he agreed to try not to feel like a failure when i don't take his advice."
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)