castaside | [Heart Game] From the ashes we can build

[OKAY time to look at the void thing and figure out that whole situation and]

[Oh]

[Thinking about the memories again.]

The void will wait patiently for its meal.

[He looks at the outline, silent for several moments.]

I....

Always wanted a teacher. I wanted to go to school. Dad taught us basic stuff as kids, like all parents do, but most stuff I had to teach and learn myself because I just...outstripped his lessons pretty quick. I ended up actually helping him figure out what to teach my brothers.

But I was a mutant turtle and longterm exposure with humans was a risk. I could never go to lessons, especially not with someone smart enough to teach me something new.

Draxum might have been a good teacher, but Draxum and I are a lot alike in the worst ways and I know Mikey is a little nervous about us being alone together TOO long.

I'm wanted in the Hidden City because I kind of caused a pretty big incident in Witch Town. So a yokai or mystic wasn't likely, not unless I could find one who'd meet outside of it.

[A pause. Quieter.] Gram-Gram wanted to teach us, but....well, destiny caught up.

When I went to the Temple, it had been....one of the good things, I thought. There was the chance to be around a group of people without being worried and that was nice, but then people learned I knew science and they told me that hey! There are some geniuses here. People who were pioneers of science AND magic. That I should talk to them.

I had been....so excited. Finally, there were maybe people I could talk to who would understand when I talked about something complicated. Perhaps someone who would know something I didn't that didn't involve emotions. Someone I could learn and grow with and maybe even figure out new things together. I had wanted it so badly. [And there is hope and want and an yearning ache in his voice.]

[And then, his expression falls.]

I had a friend on their team, before I met the geniuses. We had a...misunderstanding. A bad one. It was a fight. A bad one. But we had worked it out. I apologized and made amends and my friend forgave me.

But one of them didn't. He demanded I explain in detail what happened and I couldn't. It was vulnerable things for me and for my friend and I didn't know what was known, and I told them that it was stuff in confidence and we worked things out. He told me he would think about working together and give me an answer.

I waited for an answer.

And waited.

And waited.

And he just never even gave me the respect to reject me, instead making me hope.

And the other, I don't even know if he knew about the fight. But I approached him when he had lost a friend and I hadn't picked it up because of course I didn't. Of course I didn't. I tried to make a better impression on him, tried to explain why I was so excited about trying to work with someone like him, but apparently racism or speciesism or the like doesn't exist on his world. And he decided the fact I knew it existed and suffered it meant that I was...some advocate or something. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe it was just because he was upset about his friend too and he wanted to be mad about something.

But he would barely speak a word to me.

There were so many bad things in the Temple, but I thought...I thought I could have something I never had. [He's rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his palm, the tears building in his eyes, voice thick.] But not only did I not get it, this time it wasn't because I was a mutant or because I committed a crime or because the other person was a war criminal, but because I...

I was me. It wasn't some great mistake. Just...the flaws I knew of myself that I knew I couldn't be rid of.

Then I was here and I'm been so scared of even trying to go to school. I know I could go. I would be allowed. But what if I messed up again? What if I was just banned from every educational institute and burn all the bridges with any intellectuals here?

Then I met you and I wouldn't have asked...

But then you spoke of the glamours.

I know Choco is nervous about the cloaking broach. I thought...I thought if glamours could be taught to people from not your world, then maybe she could learn the glamours. Maybe it would be easier if she had that level of control over the change. But I didn't want to suggest it to her without some evidence, I didn't want to get her hopes up if it just wouldn't work at all.

I had to try. For Choco, I could try again.

You said yes and I thought. Okay. Okay, if I can just learn the glamours fast enough, maybe I'd have them down before you decided I wasn't worth your time either.

Then you accepted Choco. Started talking about more lessons. And you...you really wanted to be a teacher for me. A real teacher, not just a single trick and I...

[He takes a shuddering breath and now he's rubbing hard at his eyes as the tears fell.]

I messed up. You should hate me. Why don't you hate me? Why aren't you telling me to get lost and decide I'm not worth it? I messed up. I was me and didn't think about the mystic thing and why would you want me?

The shadow listens. And then, all around, the monkeys chirp a single word:

Family.

[There is a sob at that, then a plaintive trilling sound, the tears falling harder. Hitting his knees in front of the void, holding the blanket close.]

I'm sorry. I just wanted to help.

I wanted to help you be happy.

The shadow nods along and another chorus of chirps from the monkeys: forgiveness.

[More sad, but also wanting trilling.

"I really want you to keep being my teacher."

More chirps: acceptance, affection, commitment.

It makes his heart hurt. He still feels absolutely terrible. He doesn't understand. When he fucked up this badly, people didn't really seem to want to deal with him anymore. Why does Macaque? It doesn't make sense.

But...

But he wants it. He wants his teacher. He wants Macaque to care.

There is a soft chirp "Family."

Glowing purple eyes blink to life on the shadow, and it smiles a soft, warm smile. The monkeys chirp happiness and familial love.

The moon shines down. You feel warm and safe and cared for. You know that he'll never turn his back on you, never.

He knows that feeling. He knows it well. That is a feeling he's always had with his family. Knowing they'll be there. Trusting they'll be there.

God, he misses them.

It pulls another hard sob from him, the shadow blanket pulled close, arms working over his eyes. Family. Stay. Chirping back.

Edited 2024-03-07 18:48 (UTC)

The shadow monkeys in the trees echo him: family. Enduring promise. Certainty.

If Macaque could be a physical presence aside from Red's stress ball, you'd get such a hug right now. The shadow blanket curls around your shoulders a hint more.

[The blanket is probably best. If he got hugged right now, he would not stop crying for A WHILE.]

[As it is, he can cling to the blanket and try to breathe and force himself to calm. He has a mission. He has a Mission.]

[It'll be a few minutes.]

The blanket is cozy and comforting, the perfect way to calm down (before probably more madness starts). The droning of cicadas and singing of frogs is like white noise, probably also good for that.

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