I've never had to try and have self control around them in any meaningful way.
It was always just kneejerk thing.
They're
If you asked me to choose Zelda or Phi to save from a permanent death, I would save Zelda and I wouldn't hesitate. I'd hate that I failed Phi. But I still wouldn't hesitate.
That's how deep the everything goes when it concerns them.
All you're talking about is yourself. How can you claim to care about someone when you're being cruel to them? You can call it lying by omission or whatever and claim it's all technicalities, but what you would sacrifice to save her doesn't mean much if you're not going to treat her with respect.
[Somewhere, there is a bit of an unhinged laughter.]
I'm not saying its about care. Care is simple. Care has a logic to it to BE care. There is a certain level of I guess altruism? to care.
I care about Phi. I can follow the logic there. I can recognize my violent overprotectiveness upsets her and I will lose her if I don't calm down about it. And that is enough to force myself to calm down about it.
I have literally just met this princess and everything in me is screaming to hoard her away. Keep her from all those terrible responsibilities and the dangers and keep her all to myself. I want to lock her in a damn tower.
It is literally only because my Zelda, my actual princess believed I could be better I am forcing myself to recognize that is an awful way to go about things and will mean I won't ever have her look at me in the way I want.
This isn't about care. This is about the fact I am a fucked up shadow creature who only has negative emotions that actually work right and want to both be owned and possess two specific people and all iterations of their soul because of some instinctive imperative to be as close as possible.
It would frankly be irresponsible of me to not assume the absolute worst of myself if any interaction with her went south. Because all of my history supports me not doing well.
So.
I need a lot of coping mechanisms and plans so I don't try to murder her in a bloodlust like I tried to do my actual owner several times when he rejected me and I was braced for it.
Because I have been in these places long enough to know the truth will come out eventually.
I just don't want to raze the earth around her when it does.
There is a reason I like having an owner. I know how it sounds to most people. Massacre, I think, was a living weapon, and Gio was a guard dog, both of whom liked their positions, and they were very formative for me in the Forest as an amnesiac because they were the ones who made the most sense. I am an extremely fucked up creature. Thankfully I am fairly cognizant when my emotions aren't in control. I can recognize things.
And probably have you on standby to yank me across Ellipsa until I rip through enough monsters to cool down the anger.
I don't know when that will be.
I usually had to be terribly injured to cool down the other times.
And you get how her seeing herself as an acceptable sacrifice and collateral isn't a good thing either.
Somewhere between her wanting me to be a good boy and me wanting her to not tolerate being treated as such, there is a middle ground. But it's also a middle ground that takes work. Her wanting me to be good and me wanting her to value herself more won't happen overnight. Just like she's taken time to improve, and I hope you have realized it's taken her time to improve. it's taking me time.
Thus my continued attempts at betterment, and helping others with my situation, but less self actualization.
But pretending princess will be a normal situation is like pretending the light has nothing to do with shadows existing. Sure. You can make it sound like a thing, but it's a lie.
Better I acknowledge the problem and work on solutions instead of what? Telling myself I'm going to fully develop half the emotions of a person and have them be healthy and functional overnight? That all these partially working feelings are definitely enough to overwhelm cosmic bonds and base instincts of my being? That despite all precedent and lack of stress testing rejection, this time I will be totally reasonable and accepting?
This is me trying to minimize hurt for everyone else.
One day, I'm going to have to take the hurt. I don't know if she will give me the small benefit of a doubt my Zelda gave me and frankly I don't deserve it anyway.
I can make sure when I hurt her, she isn't alone and scared in a new place without anything familiar and hopefully have someone help her spark her light magic so she doesn't think I lied about that instead of potentially absolutely ruining her right away without anyone to turn to.
Talking to Lott is like talking to Cole, he wants to bang his head against the wall.
I'm not saying that you're going to be better overnight, kid. I'm also not saying don't work toward whatever sense of being okay will let you be truthful with this princess. Obviously yes, do that.
Everything you're saying about your situation is obviously the truth. It's also going to sound like excuses if it comes out to her like this. My point here is that the way you're sounding right now has to be one of the things you plan to work on. Because over-explaining all the varied reasons why you did something wrong isn't an apology.
There isn't enough reasons in the world that can justify trying to destroy her home, different time period or not. I'm very aware my reasons were petty and that's being generous.
That's why it's best to assume she has the completely reasonable and justified reaction of hating me and work from there.
Not like I'm apologizing to you. I'm explaining why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I'm concerned about what I'll do.
Why would I want or expect an apology that has jack shit to do with me.
Don't underestimate Choco. She understands people and loves them where they are even as she'll support you in improving. She knows very well the type of people that she collects.
Because you think over explaining is how I do apologies instead of me explaining why I'm not taking your advice? Like I get what you're saying is reasonable advice MOST of the time. Just not with existential bullshit complications. So I thought you thought it was an apology.
She does have a tendency to charm a certain type.
But she doesn't want me to be the sort of person who goes apeshit, especially to people who really don't deserve it.
That's not what I was saying. The point was that when you talk to the princess it had better not sound like it sounds now, or it will sound like bullshit and worse, it will be bullshit. That's really all.
I'm not judging you like you think I am. I was you a few years ago.
Kid, no one wants people going apeshit on someone who doesn't deserve it. Her accepting your flaws, even big flaws like going off on people, and loving you as you are only sounds like they can't both be true. But they can be and they are. Love is like that.
Not bullshit. It's me doing what I can to kerp control.
I need the thoughts because my emotions, my moral compass, will not guide me. I have to THINK to be a better person. I need the logic. My intelligence is what keeps me from going full feral and that's how I try to find better.
But it's none of her responsibility. She can't help the stupid cycles made a freak of nature. I was the one who chose to be the bad guy. If she wants to be angry, she gets to be angry. If I'm lucky, she might give me a chance to prove I can be more.
Besides, you think I'm getting further than 'I burned down half your kingdom' before there's fallout? Pretty sure any speech has gotta be under twenty words.
Isn't that unhealthy? I thought the whole loving them despite anything was just me being obsessive.
All right, then. I can't account for your nature, I'm only telling you how it sounds from my end.
Under twenty words is good as long as there's an "I'm sorry" in there at least once.
It can get unhealthy. Easily. Again, ask me how I know all about obsessive and unhealthy love. But that doesn't mean it always is. It's not a black and white issue. Not easy to parse with intellect alone, unfortunately.
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Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Uuuuuugh.
How good is Lucifer's hotel place?
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'm pretty biased, but I've seen two people there and they are both quite good.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I can't say I wouldn't try.
I've never had to try and have self control around them in any meaningful way.
It was always just kneejerk thing.
They're
If you asked me to choose Zelda or Phi to save from a permanent death, I would save Zelda and I wouldn't hesitate.
I'd hate that I failed Phi.
But I still wouldn't hesitate.
That's how deep the everything goes when it concerns them.
Re: When Zelda arrived
All you're talking about is yourself. How can you claim to care about someone when you're being cruel to them? You can call it lying by omission or whatever and claim it's all technicalities, but what you would sacrifice to save her doesn't mean much if you're not going to treat her with respect.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'm not saying its about care.
Care is simple.
Care has a logic to it to BE care.
There is a certain level of I guess altruism? to care.
I care about Phi.
I can follow the logic there.
I can recognize my violent overprotectiveness upsets her and I will lose her if I don't calm down about it.
And that is enough to force myself to calm down about it.
I have literally just met this princess and everything in me is screaming to hoard her away.
Keep her from all those terrible responsibilities and the dangers and keep her all to myself.
I want to lock her in a damn tower.
It is literally only because my Zelda, my actual princess believed I could be better I am forcing myself to recognize that is an awful way to go about things and will mean I won't ever have her look at me in the way I want.
This isn't about care.
This is about the fact I am a fucked up shadow creature who only has negative emotions that actually work right and want to both be owned and possess two specific people and all iterations of their soul because of some instinctive imperative to be as close as possible.
It would frankly be irresponsible of me to not assume the absolute worst of myself if any interaction with her went south.
Because all of my history supports me not doing well.
So.
I need a lot of coping mechanisms and plans so I don't try to murder her in a bloodlust like I tried to do my actual owner several times when he rejected me and I was braced for it.
Because I have been in these places long enough to know the truth will come out eventually.
I just don't want to raze the earth around her when it does.
Re: When Zelda arrived
So the plan is to get therapy and then tell her the truth and hope she doesn't take all the lying too badly?
Re: When Zelda arrived
There is a reason I like having an owner.
I know how it sounds to most people.
Massacre, I think, was a living weapon, and Gio was a guard dog, both of whom liked their positions, and they were very formative for me in the Forest as an amnesiac because they were the ones who made the most sense.
I am an extremely fucked up creature.
Thankfully I am fairly cognizant when my emotions aren't in control.
I can recognize things.
And probably have you on standby to yank me across Ellipsa until I rip through enough monsters to cool down the anger.
I don't know when that will be.
I usually had to be terribly injured to cool down the other times.
Or died.
One of those.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
[He does know telling her will be better than her finding out.]
[So he can hope the timing works out.]
But I have had Larkspur do that in the past. That whole prone to violence thing.
Re: When Zelda arrived
If that's the way you want to do it.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I was also an amnesiac, so I was less aware of what societal norms were 'cause all I learned was like reading a book than a baked in experience.
I just wouldn't blame ya, I guess.
I was mostly meaning whenever this confrontation happens with Zelda 'cause that could turn explosive for sure and I'd rather...not.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'll help you if need be, don't worry. It's what Choco would want.
Re: When Zelda arrived
And used to me kinda going off the rails when it comes to...
I don't know if I'd want to define what I did with Larkspur care. It was care.
Belonging? That might be more apt.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Somewhere between her wanting me to be a good boy and me wanting her to not tolerate being treated as such, there is a middle ground. But it's also a middle ground that takes work. Her wanting me to be good and me wanting her to value herself more won't happen overnight. Just like she's taken time to improve, and I hope you have realized it's taken her time to improve. it's taking me time.
Thus my continued attempts at betterment, and helping others with my situation, but less self actualization.
But pretending princess will be a normal situation is like pretending the light has nothing to do with shadows existing. Sure. You can make it sound like a thing, but it's a lie.
Better I acknowledge the problem and work on solutions instead of what? Telling myself I'm going to fully develop half the emotions of a person and have them be healthy and functional overnight? That all these partially working feelings are definitely enough to overwhelm cosmic bonds and base instincts of my being? That despite all precedent and lack of stress testing rejection, this time I will be totally reasonable and accepting?
This is me trying to minimize hurt for everyone else.
One day, I'm going to have to take the hurt. I don't know if she will give me the small benefit of a doubt my Zelda gave me and frankly I don't deserve it anyway.
I can make sure when I hurt her, she isn't alone and scared in a new place without anything familiar and hopefully have someone help her spark her light magic so she doesn't think I lied about that instead of potentially absolutely ruining her right away without anyone to turn to.
And that's without going psycho.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'm not saying that you're going to be better overnight, kid. I'm also not saying don't work toward whatever sense of being okay will let you be truthful with this princess. Obviously yes, do that.
Everything you're saying about your situation is obviously the truth. It's also going to sound like excuses if it comes out to her like this. My point here is that the way you're sounding right now has to be one of the things you plan to work on. Because over-explaining all the varied reasons why you did something wrong isn't an apology.
Re: When Zelda arrived
That's why it's best to assume she has the completely reasonable and justified reaction of hating me and work from there.
Not like I'm apologizing to you. I'm explaining why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I'm concerned about what I'll do.
And that I know I'm not what Phi wants me to be.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Don't underestimate Choco. She understands people and loves them where they are even as she'll support you in improving. She knows very well the type of people that she collects.
Re: When Zelda arrived
She does have a tendency to charm a certain type.
But she doesn't want me to be the sort of person who goes apeshit, especially to people who really don't deserve it.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'm not judging you like you think I am. I was you a few years ago.
Kid, no one wants people going apeshit on someone who doesn't deserve it. Her accepting your flaws, even big flaws like going off on people, and loving you as you are only sounds like they can't both be true. But they can be and they are. Love is like that.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I need the thoughts because my emotions, my moral compass, will not guide me. I have to THINK to be a better person. I need the logic. My intelligence is what keeps me from going full feral and that's how I try to find better.
But it's none of her responsibility. She can't help the stupid cycles made a freak of nature. I was the one who chose to be the bad guy. If she wants to be angry, she gets to be angry. If I'm lucky, she might give me a chance to prove I can be more.
Besides, you think I'm getting further than 'I burned down half your kingdom' before there's fallout? Pretty sure any speech has gotta be under twenty words.
Isn't that unhealthy? I thought the whole loving them despite anything was just me being obsessive.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Under twenty words is good as long as there's an "I'm sorry" in there at least once.
It can get unhealthy. Easily. Again, ask me how I know all about obsessive and unhealthy love. But that doesn't mean it always is. It's not a black and white issue. Not easy to parse with intellect alone, unfortunately.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived