"I'll look for it," Candid starts to gently look through drawers. Looking at him his pants are no longer red but jean blue. His jacket is also a lighter shade of yellow/orange than it was before. Like something faded the color some.
"I've been good, honestly. I've been doing a lot of reflection and hard conversations. Spoke with Cole and that was hard. And MK too. But I think therapy and me taking a break really helped me get my head on right, finally." He pulls out the little blowtorch.
"Well, Cole told me again and I finally got it that what I did to him, and tried to do to MK, was what the monster that kidnapped him was doing. What his bad friends did. Told him his feelings, his pain, doesn't matter. That I could control it. And I was doing the same to MK. And I..."
Candid pauses for a moment, trying to finds his words. "MK could have just popped me and been done with me. Never summoned me again. But he didn't. If it was for him, or me, or you, or someone else...or all of the above, he didn't. I hated him and he was mad at me and oh boy was he shitty to me and it was valid. But he made me to try and help him through a time he couldn't speak up for himself. And in return, I tried to silence him forever. I was a shit. A royal shit. And I don't want to do anything even close to that monstrous ever again."
Candid wipes his eyes because he suddenly has something in one of them. It's tears.
"Thank you. That means a whole lot to me. I am glad I'm doing the work. Things are clearer now. And I can really see and feel what I did. To all of you. I am sorry. I know I hurt you too. Betrayed you. I tried to take your mate from you and that was so wrong of me. And I'll do everything I can to make that right. And keep working on it even after I know change and healing isn't a linear path but I am dedicated to not going back to that, ever. For everyone's sakes."
He nods and pours the cocoa into two mugs which he stops with marshmallows and chocolate shavings.
"You did hurt me. I thought that I had been so blind to what you were planning that if MK had gotten hurt, it would have been my fault. For making you think that I didn't need him."
"But I need you, too. Now that you're doing better."
Candid nods and takes his mug and holds it close, feeling the warmth.
"I did my best to hide it. Because...I was so wrong for it but I thought MK was more painful to you than he was good. And I didn't see or maybe I didn't want to see how deeply you love him and instead wanted it all for myself."
Candid blinks and blushes. "I need you too. And I want you in my life."
"You know that love isn't a finite thing, I hope. I love him, and I love you, too. I don't see you as some offshoot from MK. You're your own person to me. Always have been."
"I know it isn't. Definitely now. And I love hearing that. I am sorry I took that acknowledgement and twisted it into seeing MK as this problem to be solved. I don't see him that way anymore. And as my own person, I love that you love me and I love you too."
He smiles so sweetly and sips his hot chocolate. "Hmm. Oooh that's good. Heh. Almost as good as your kisses."
"Good, then." He opens a portal to his nest and leaves the pot in the sink to soak.
"Join me in my nest then, and let's see what we get up to." He gives Candid a kiss on the cheek on his way through the portal in such a way that it speaks to more than a little kiss.
"O-Oh. Okay," Candid very much catches the implications and follows through the portal. He moves to sit down carefully in the nest, not wanting to spill any hot chocolate.
"I mean...before we get up to anything. Is there anything else you want to unpack? Or ask? Just in case we have more to talk about. I thought the talking would go on for, well, longer."
"I...don't know? Give me a moment and a few sips," Candid sips his cocoa and thinks. Was there anything else he wanted to say? He said it all pretty quick.
"This feels fast. Not bad fast, but fast. And I mean everything I'm saying. I guess...in my head this conversation was more back and forth? Maybe I'm just not sure since this isn't going how I kinda expected it to?"
"You understand why it was a bad idea to focus all your feelings on me, right? Because I can't be that for you, Candid. I can't. It's not healthy. And I know that because I was that way with Wukong. I wanted all his love and attention and time, all of it. And so I know damn well that there's nothing he could have done to satisfy me because I would have always wanted more. I would have had us bury ourselves in each other to the point where we forgot our dreams, forgot to love others or even the world around us, forgot everything else that was important to us. That's not a life, and it's not a real relationship. And when he didn't and couldn't give me what wasn't possible to give, I started resenting him, and that broke us. So those are the only two ways that that ends. I know because I lived it.
I know it isn't easy to change that. I'm still fighting through those feelings for him. I just know that it had to change. Because I need a world that's bigger than one person, and so do you. My life is so much better now. And my relationship with Wukong is better too. I love you, and I want that for you. I want it for us."
That is a good start and something he does want to talk about.
"You're right. I can't do that. I can't hang all of me on you and my love for you. Doing that, I lost sight of Cole, of me, of your love for MK. It blinded me. And I nearly did something terrible. I almost took MK from all of you. Everyone who loves him so much. I made sure to hurt the people I claimed I was doing it all for. And the fact of how wrong it was entirely."
Candid goes quiet for a moment.
"I...know it will take time. A lot of it. But I do have feelings for Cole. And I think I am very much getting feelings for Esme. And I know I have feelings for Red Son. But I need to start that relationship over. As friends to start. And see how it goes. I feel like I need my own name before I do that though. We agreed he'd want to meet the person I want become. And I want to become someone other than Candid. If that makes sense."
Macaque's brow furrows for a moment. The others make sense since some of MK's feelings would transfer, but Esme? Isn't that awfully fast for someone who is supposed to be trying to get his head on straight?
--Ah well, it's probably nothing. Esme is easy to like.
"You hurt Red again and I'll hurt you back," he says softly.
"And I'd deserve it," Candid says with a nod. "But I don't ever want to hurt him again either. That's why I want to go to him once I figure out well who I am now. Now becoming? Something like that. And I find my new name. Then I'll know I'm ready."
That question hits Candid and he is quiet. He sips his cocoa.
"...You said you love me. Red Son said they couldn't love me or like me because of who I was. What I did. I guess if there was something to go on for us to try, before I'm ready for him, is you love me. As bad as I once us, you found parts of me you love and still do. And those parts I've nurtured and grown and am working hard to change the bad parts. Does any of that make sense?"
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Voice - UN: MonkieMan
[MK. Not the Original.]
Re: Voice - UN: MonkieMan
A portal opens leading to the birdtile kitchen.
"Come on in. Do you like anything special or just the standard?" Macaque starts warming milk up on the stove.
Darktruth Action thread
He'll walk over to where Macaque is warming up the milk. "You got a fancy blowtorch? We could toast the marshmallows for the top. That sounds yummy."
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"So, how've you been?"
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"I've been good, honestly. I've been doing a lot of reflection and hard conversations. Spoke with Cole and that was hard. And MK too. But I think therapy and me taking a break really helped me get my head on right, finally." He pulls out the little blowtorch.
"Ah. Found it."
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Macaque takes the torch with a nod of thanks and pulls out a tray of homemade marshmallows. His daughter is, in fact, ridiculous.
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Candid pauses for a moment, trying to finds his words. "MK could have just popped me and been done with me. Never summoned me again. But he didn't. If it was for him, or me, or you, or someone else...or all of the above, he didn't. I hated him and he was mad at me and oh boy was he shitty to me and it was valid. But he made me to try and help him through a time he couldn't speak up for himself. And in return, I tried to silence him forever. I was a shit. A royal shit. And I don't want to do anything even close to that monstrous ever again."
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"I see. Well, then--"
And with that he leans over and kisses Candid. A real good one. A welcome home, maybe.
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"You did the work that I asked you to do. I'm so proud of you, Candid." He knows firsthand how hard change like that is.
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"Thank you. That means a whole lot to me. I am glad I'm doing the work. Things are clearer now. And I can really see and feel what I did. To all of you. I am sorry. I know I hurt you too. Betrayed you. I tried to take your mate from you and that was so wrong of me. And I'll do everything I can to make that right. And keep working on it even after I know change and healing isn't a linear path but I am dedicated to not going back to that, ever. For everyone's sakes."
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"You did hurt me. I thought that I had been so blind to what you were planning that if MK had gotten hurt, it would have been my fault. For making you think that I didn't need him."
"But I need you, too. Now that you're doing better."
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"I did my best to hide it. Because...I was so wrong for it but I thought MK was more painful to you than he was good. And I didn't see or maybe I didn't want to see how deeply you love him and instead wanted it all for myself."
Candid blinks and blushes. "I need you too. And I want you in my life."
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He smiles so sweetly and sips his hot chocolate. "Hmm. Oooh that's good. Heh. Almost as good as your kisses."
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"Join me in my nest then, and let's see what we get up to." He gives Candid a kiss on the cheek on his way through the portal in such a way that it speaks to more than a little kiss.
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"I mean...before we get up to anything. Is there anything else you want to unpack? Or ask? Just in case we have more to talk about. I thought the talking would go on for, well, longer."
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"Do you have more to tell me? You're saying the right things, and I believe you."
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"This feels fast. Not bad fast, but fast. And I mean everything I'm saying. I guess...in my head this conversation was more back and forth? Maybe I'm just not sure since this isn't going how I kinda expected it to?"
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Hm.
"You understand why it was a bad idea to focus all your feelings on me, right? Because I can't be that for you, Candid. I can't. It's not healthy. And I know that because I was that way with Wukong. I wanted all his love and attention and time, all of it. And so I know damn well that there's nothing he could have done to satisfy me because I would have always wanted more. I would have had us bury ourselves in each other to the point where we forgot our dreams, forgot to love others or even the world around us, forgot everything else that was important to us. That's not a life, and it's not a real relationship. And when he didn't and couldn't give me what wasn't possible to give, I started resenting him, and that broke us. So those are the only two ways that that ends. I know because I lived it.
I know it isn't easy to change that. I'm still fighting through those feelings for him. I just know that it had to change. Because I need a world that's bigger than one person, and so do you. My life is so much better now. And my relationship with Wukong is better too. I love you, and I want that for you. I want it for us."
How's that for back and forth?
Re: Darktruth Action thread
"You're right. I can't do that. I can't hang all of me on you and my love for you. Doing that, I lost sight of Cole, of me, of your love for MK. It blinded me. And I nearly did something terrible. I almost took MK from all of you. Everyone who loves him so much. I made sure to hurt the people I claimed I was doing it all for. And the fact of how wrong it was entirely."
Candid goes quiet for a moment.
"I...know it will take time. A lot of it. But I do have feelings for Cole. And I think I am very much getting feelings for Esme. And I know I have feelings for Red Son. But I need to start that relationship over. As friends to start. And see how it goes. I feel like I need my own name before I do that though. We agreed he'd want to meet the person I want become. And I want to become someone other than Candid. If that makes sense."
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--Ah well, it's probably nothing. Esme is easy to like.
"You hurt Red again and I'll hurt you back," he says softly.
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"...You said you love me. Red Son said they couldn't love me or like me because of who I was. What I did. I guess if there was something to go on for us to try, before I'm ready for him, is you love me. As bad as I once us, you found parts of me you love and still do. And those parts I've nurtured and grown and am working hard to change the bad parts. Does any of that make sense?"
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