"I feel like I should be more concerned about that killing you thing, but that also feels like me throwing rocks at glass houses," he said. Intent, but failed is pretty close to actual murder. Plus all the times the guys talked about Caboose killing Church....
There is a pause. "You may need better taste in men. Red Son hasn't tried to kill people who are important to him to, has he?" He's just saying, Macaque. Three for three is a bad sign.
He nods. "I can get that. I've pulled on bad habits before in extreme circumstances," he said. Macaque's seen it. Its not exactly a sane and healthy person who can shoot their little sister, even if she IS being puppeteered by a supreme bitch. "But that's why..." He gestures around them. "Check ins are important after the circumstances pass."
He laughs out loud at the 'better taste in men' comment. "My death was a classic 'it takes two to tango' situation, and we worked it out. Besides, MK doesn't kill unless he's exhausted all options, and he keeps the rest of us honest."
He offers Wash more of the mango as he cuts it away from the seed.
"So this is a check-in in addition to an apology? Do I get a fruit picnic every time I feel used?" Just a joke, there. "Shame I don't see you taking advantage of me all that often, this is nice."
"So its just MK whose the exception," he said with a dry chuckle. Noting that Red Son was also like that. Macaque really could use better taste.
He'll accept the fruit. "But MK also has that 'exception to many rules' vibe about him." He's met the type several times. There are just airs about them. Aoko was the same, that's why she has so many shady people around her.
"It is, yes. I like I said, Choco needs a yay or nay on asking for help from you in the future," he said. "If its a nay, she'd want to know, and telling her sooner is better to help her recover from any feelings of guilt. Easier to recover from one mistake, especially when its a mistake that she wouldn't be surprised by. And having a yay sooner would assure her of any anxiety she has right now because she knows dealing with me like that isn't easy, especially when she knows I don't need to beat someone in a fight to find ways to hurt them. Its why people like Nyssa and that bone lady don't make a lot of ground with me. I'm very good with those games too."
"He is exactly that type." And Macaque is very obviously extremely affectionate about MK right now. It would be obvious even if Wash wasn't Wash.
He does flinch at the mention of the Lady Bone Demon, and rolls his right shoulder as if it pains him. Into a portal go the mango seed and skin pieces, and Macaque washes his hands through another portal.
"I'd like it to be a yes on helping, but I feel like you're telling me it's a no."
"Its more I'm asking for an honest answer from you. Take out the want to help me as a counterweight," he said, resting his elbow on a knee, chin in hand as he studies him. "Would you be okay? If I got that bad again, could you recover? And work with me to make sure that you don't fall into your own bad habits?"
Macaque thinks about it sincerely. This takes a few moments.
Would he be okay? He feels okay now, but he thinks about how he got with Wukong eventually, how the resentment started seeping out of him until one day it exploded. Taking his want to help Wash out of the equation feels as impossible as taking his love for Wukong out of it, but he tries.
"If it's occasional, and we process it afterwards like we're doing, I'd be okay. If it starts being a regular thing, or there's no discussion, I'd be falling into bad habits and it would get harder to recover from." He shrugs. "You'd be able to recognize if and when my tolerance is waning, I get snappish."
Wash studies him as he answers. Looking for signs of lying or attempts at downplaying. Its a very serious question, and he has to be careful. He doesn't like making people punching bags. He doesn't like being an asshole. He fights everyday to not be that person anymore.
But he's also far too aware that he can't say he won't trip and relapse. Proven that he did. It wasn't as bad as his darkest days, but he knows that's in him and its going to be a long time before he can ever confidently say he won't do it again.
Having a safety net wouldn't be a bad idea. One that isn't a kid. Someone who can fight back. The Blues and Reds could do that. Tucker was always quick to call him out on his bullshit when he started waning, and the Reds were willing to just walk. And Caboose...
Caboose is Caboose.
And of course, Carolina simply understood.
It isn't a bad idea to have the contingency plan, as loath as he is to admit it. Its just like he's always ready to shoot someone he loves if he has to. One of those fucked up things.
"All right," he said, looking to the water. "But if you notice it is making you worse, then we're changing things. And if I notice it, the same thing. I'm too self aware to pretend I can always avoid the fucked up thing, but I want to minimize the damage."
Macaque nods. That seems reasonable. He wonders how different things would have been with Wukong if they'd actually been able to talk about what was going on. It hits a bit hard, knowing that he threw away the best thing in his life because he couldn't bring up the hard stuff out of fear.
He never wants to be in a situation like he was in after their fight beneath the mountain, where he wanted to make things right but was too afraid to open his mouth.
"Have you ever used me before a few days ago? It doesn't seem like it from my end, but I need to know that." Wash is clearly good at manipulation, so it seems a fair question.
"I haven't," he said. Then he paused. "Unless you count evil bitch heart manifestations, but Hearts are always a messy situation." He was definitely playing games with Lady Bone Demon because he figured he was better at dealing with the mind games than Wukong.
"I can't say I don't use those practices with strangers or assholes, but I try to be honest with people who I want to have a good relationship with, and definitely friends and family," he said. "I don't want to use you as a matter of course."
Macaque picks up a peach and tosses it to himself while Wash answers. No prizes for guessing why he picked that particular fruit.
Good, then. He trusts Wash to answer honestly, and he didn't feel used before that one time. "No, I don't count evil bitch manifestations." What happened in his heart is fuzzy as hell, but he knows she was in there. He has a vague memory of that piece of him taunting Wash and Wukong. "Feel free to use her as much as you want, she deserves it. And it's the only way to avoid serious problems."
"And I'm not confused anymore, so we're good." He bites into the peach, expecting and receiving a flood of memories. "I trust you, but I'll look out for myself. I promise." And he's already been getting better about it, so.
"Good," he said, letting his head lightly thud back against the tree, closing his eyes. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
Repeats a few times.
It is a relief to know he hasn't royally fucked with Macaque's head. He was honest. He didn't want to have a relationship with lies and manipulations being apart of it. He's lived through that far too much to seek it out.
"Though really, if you did have some selfish motives, you could just ask for a date," he said. He's just saying.
Macaque eats his peach as he waits for Wash to get through whatever's in his head. Just sitting there thinking how it's crystal clear that Wash isn't interested, so Macaque can focus on something strictly platonic. It's nice to be able to have everything lined up neatly--
And then.
Macaque slowly finishes chewing his bite of peach and tosses the pit into another portal. (Where do these end up? It's a mystery.) Then he laughs softly. He was doing it again, wasn't he? Assuming things when given the slightest bit of ambiguity. Same as he did with Wukong.
"You sure know how to keep a guy on his toes." But he gets why things had to happen in that order. Getting into something like a date with 'I might screw with your head' up in the air would be bad.
"I found a cat cafe we could go eat at sometime, if you want to." Macaque will have cats all over him, but whatever.
"Better to take care of the heavy stuff, otherwise it festers," he said with a shrug. "Also it'd be real fucked up to bring up a date after that without actually addressing the whole using you thing. That's how you get on the slippery slope."
He chuckles and opens his eyes. "Well, now you just know the way to a guy's heart," he said.
"I'm not you, but I didn't have to be when that one was obvious." Practically a gimme.
"Whenever things are okay for you, then. I know it's delicate with Wylan, so I can wait. But I know that I certainly need a break from being Cole's pillar for a while now and then, so I can imagine it might be good for you, too." To get out sometimes. Otherwise this stuff will bury you.
"That's because cats are awesome," he said. "Little bundles of love."
He nods. "I do. I love him, I wouldn't have adopted him if I didn't, but he has a lot of father issues and it can be hard to take when he stops actually seeing me and I can't get his eyes to clear." He has enough difficulties seeing him as himself and when one of those other people is actually a terrible father, it gets to be...
A lot.
"Hopefully it'll be easier to help when there are more people in his life he can depend on without that issue. So breaks will help, keep me from messing up."
"He mentioned to me about his father issues. Very briefly." So Macaque gets it. He can imagine how hard this is, all around. Wanting to help and not being able to is the worst feeling.
"A couple of days, then? Or whatever, you decide. Cole insisted that I keep my own schedule, I just need to make sure I get enough time with him, and I'm doing that, so I'm flexible."
He reaches over to squeeze Wash's shoulder, making sure that Wash sees it coming (if he doesn't see it, or flinches away, Macaque puts his hand back down).
"I sort of want to say that afterwards I'll take you somewhere to nap for a while. I'd be able to hear if Wylan needed you, so maybe you could get some rest knowing that. And my shadow blankets are the most comfortable thing in the world to sleep on." If he does say so himself.
"They're bad and if you asked me who I wanted to murder more between him and Nyssa, I'm not sure I could tell you," he said. He has a twenty step plan to make that man's life a living hell before a very slow death.
"A couple of days. If we can't get Wylan into some place more stable after this long, we're going to need to get professionals anyway. Donnie, Eve, nor Lott are equipped or in place to help, and then there's the time of year for Choco and if I crack with him alone, it's going to set everything back to the start. He can't even take me being the Soldier and that's the healthiest thing I can default to when I'm not coping well. He either needs to be in a better place, or I'll need actual licensed back up." He doesn't know how Wylan would react to professionals, all things considered.
But he already hates himself enough for the situation.
If he adds something else to the pile, its going to be two fires instead of one.
"...you can teleport us in an instant," he said. And god. God, does a nap sound good.
"I can teleport us in an instant." Just soft reassurance. Yes, please, rest for Wash. "You can get some rest now, if you wanted to. I can hear him loud and clear. Even his heart rate. He's okay." Which sounds creepy but Macaque literally can't help it, so he might as well make it useful.
--Oh, speaking of a couple of days.
"That reminds me. It won't be long until the kids are in season, and you'll need someplace else to be. I have a house right on the edge of the Autumn segment, it where I lived before Cole. I keep it clean and stocked... like a safehouse. Plenty of space for you two, nice and quiet, and nobody knows about it aside from Choco, and now you. I'd like to keep it that way, if you get my drift." Please don't tell people that he has this place just in case he needs to run away. "Cole can't take knowing that right now, so I need it quiet. But its yours if you want it, until the kids are through with the surge in instincts."
He's used to being monitored via his suit when it comes to stuff like health. Sure, sometimes it was an isolated system, but there was plenty that was connected to some kind of centralized system.
"So even if he's trying to be dangerously reckless, we wouldn't be too late." Because that is the biggest concern. Wylan gets self destructive in seemingly an instant. Its why he's so worried.
He looks surprised at that. He understands the value of a safe house. They weren't things to be given out without serious consideration. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure about the house. I thought about it long and hard. Like I said, I trust you." And that's that. It was so much easier than he thought it would be.
"Even if he's being dangerously reckless, we can get to him before there's any harm. Even if he's just panicking from his own thoughts. I've got my ears on him, and I won't hesitate if there's the slightest chance there could be a problem. I've got him. Come here and rest." He pats his shoulder.
"Truly a poor decision," he said jokingly. Probably jokingly. Debatable.
"Hm, at this rate, I might think you're just looking for a cuddle partner," he said. He sighed and looked out at the lake. "...it is getting close to the point where Choco is going to get tempted to use a sleep spell on me."
"I have three and a half of those already, I'm not that hard up for cuddles. Irresistible as you are and all, this is more about you looking like you're about to fall over. And you won't be any good to anyone then."
He scoots a bit closer. "Come on, you can't have a better offer than this. You can be sure he's okay, and you'll be better able to keep him that way if you're rested. And I'm terribly comfortable to cuddle, so there's no downside."
He huffs a bit, amused. Before he finally lets him slump down more. He IS really tired.
"Your gut is really soft," he said and let's himself lean against Macaque. "Even on your back. Kind of thought it'd be matted, trapped under your fur." Instead it was stupidly soft, even if he was near tearing it out over proper petting.
Macaque moves his arm to accommodate Wash, though doesn't put it around him or anything too jarring.
And he huffs at the comment. "Grooming is important to monkeys, I take good care of it. Especially at this time of year, when I'll be starting to shed my undercoat. I can't stand feeling dirty or making a mess so I'm pretty meticulous about it."
He opens a portal and grabs a shadow blanket. "See if this is comfortable to you, it might help you relax." It feels like a refreshing breeze in a warm shade, soft in a very different way then Macaque's fur.
"You need a brushing partner for that? I used to brush out my cat's under fur, and I only ever got scratched once. Learned real fast how to do it right," he said with a chuckle.
He reaches out to take the blanket. Running his hands over it at first, to get used to the feeling. Touch starvation from power armor takes very careful adjustments to new things. "Magic really is wild."
"What is going on with Cole?" He asked as he adjusted. It takes a bit for him to wide down irregardless.
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Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
There is a pause. "You may need better taste in men. Red Son hasn't tried to kill people who are important to him to, has he?" He's just saying, Macaque. Three for three is a bad sign.
He nods. "I can get that. I've pulled on bad habits before in extreme circumstances," he said. Macaque's seen it. Its not exactly a sane and healthy person who can shoot their little sister, even if she IS being puppeteered by a supreme bitch. "But that's why..." He gestures around them. "Check ins are important after the circumstances pass."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
He offers Wash more of the mango as he cuts it away from the seed.
"So this is a check-in in addition to an apology? Do I get a fruit picnic every time I feel used?" Just a joke, there. "Shame I don't see you taking advantage of me all that often, this is nice."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
He'll accept the fruit. "But MK also has that 'exception to many rules' vibe about him." He's met the type several times. There are just airs about them. Aoko was the same, that's why she has so many shady people around her.
"It is, yes. I like I said, Choco needs a yay or nay on asking for help from you in the future," he said. "If its a nay, she'd want to know, and telling her sooner is better to help her recover from any feelings of guilt. Easier to recover from one mistake, especially when its a mistake that she wouldn't be surprised by. And having a yay sooner would assure her of any anxiety she has right now because she knows dealing with me like that isn't easy, especially when she knows I don't need to beat someone in a fight to find ways to hurt them. Its why people like Nyssa and that bone lady don't make a lot of ground with me. I'm very good with those games too."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
He does flinch at the mention of the Lady Bone Demon, and rolls his right shoulder as if it pains him. Into a portal go the mango seed and skin pieces, and Macaque washes his hands through another portal.
"I'd like it to be a yes on helping, but I feel like you're telling me it's a no."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
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Would he be okay? He feels okay now, but he thinks about how he got with Wukong eventually, how the resentment started seeping out of him until one day it exploded. Taking his want to help Wash out of the equation feels as impossible as taking his love for Wukong out of it, but he tries.
"If it's occasional, and we process it afterwards like we're doing, I'd be okay. If it starts being a regular thing, or there's no discussion, I'd be falling into bad habits and it would get harder to recover from." He shrugs. "You'd be able to recognize if and when my tolerance is waning, I get snappish."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
But he's also far too aware that he can't say he won't trip and relapse. Proven that he did. It wasn't as bad as his darkest days, but he knows that's in him and its going to be a long time before he can ever confidently say he won't do it again.
Having a safety net wouldn't be a bad idea. One that isn't a kid. Someone who can fight back. The Blues and Reds could do that. Tucker was always quick to call him out on his bullshit when he started waning, and the Reds were willing to just walk. And Caboose...
Caboose is Caboose.
And of course, Carolina simply understood.
It isn't a bad idea to have the contingency plan, as loath as he is to admit it. Its just like he's always ready to shoot someone he loves if he has to. One of those fucked up things.
"All right," he said, looking to the water. "But if you notice it is making you worse, then we're changing things. And if I notice it, the same thing. I'm too self aware to pretend I can always avoid the fucked up thing, but I want to minimize the damage."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
He never wants to be in a situation like he was in after their fight beneath the mountain, where he wanted to make things right but was too afraid to open his mouth.
"Have you ever used me before a few days ago? It doesn't seem like it from my end, but I need to know that." Wash is clearly good at manipulation, so it seems a fair question.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
"I can't say I don't use those practices with strangers or assholes, but I try to be honest with people who I want to have a good relationship with, and definitely friends and family," he said. "I don't want to use you as a matter of course."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
Good, then. He trusts Wash to answer honestly, and he didn't feel used before that one time. "No, I don't count evil bitch manifestations." What happened in his heart is fuzzy as hell, but he knows she was in there. He has a vague memory of that piece of him taunting Wash and Wukong. "Feel free to use her as much as you want, she deserves it. And it's the only way to avoid serious problems."
"And I'm not confused anymore, so we're good." He bites into the peach, expecting and receiving a flood of memories. "I trust you, but I'll look out for myself. I promise." And he's already been getting better about it, so.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
Repeats a few times.
It is a relief to know he hasn't royally fucked with Macaque's head. He was honest. He didn't want to have a relationship with lies and manipulations being apart of it. He's lived through that far too much to seek it out.
"Though really, if you did have some selfish motives, you could just ask for a date," he said. He's just saying.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
And then.
Macaque slowly finishes chewing his bite of peach and tosses the pit into another portal. (Where do these end up? It's a mystery.) Then he laughs softly. He was doing it again, wasn't he? Assuming things when given the slightest bit of ambiguity. Same as he did with Wukong.
"You sure know how to keep a guy on his toes." But he gets why things had to happen in that order. Getting into something like a date with 'I might screw with your head' up in the air would be bad.
"I found a cat cafe we could go eat at sometime, if you want to." Macaque will have cats all over him, but whatever.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
He chuckles and opens his eyes. "Well, now you just know the way to a guy's heart," he said.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
"Whenever things are okay for you, then. I know it's delicate with Wylan, so I can wait. But I know that I certainly need a break from being Cole's pillar for a while now and then, so I can imagine it might be good for you, too." To get out sometimes. Otherwise this stuff will bury you.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
He nods. "I do. I love him, I wouldn't have adopted him if I didn't, but he has a lot of father issues and it can be hard to take when he stops actually seeing me and I can't get his eyes to clear." He has enough difficulties seeing him as himself and when one of those other people is actually a terrible father, it gets to be...
A lot.
"Hopefully it'll be easier to help when there are more people in his life he can depend on without that issue. So breaks will help, keep me from messing up."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
"A couple of days, then? Or whatever, you decide. Cole insisted that I keep my own schedule, I just need to make sure I get enough time with him, and I'm doing that, so I'm flexible."
He reaches over to squeeze Wash's shoulder, making sure that Wash sees it coming (if he doesn't see it, or flinches away, Macaque puts his hand back down).
"I sort of want to say that afterwards I'll take you somewhere to nap for a while. I'd be able to hear if Wylan needed you, so maybe you could get some rest knowing that. And my shadow blankets are the most comfortable thing in the world to sleep on." If he does say so himself.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
"A couple of days. If we can't get Wylan into some place more stable after this long, we're going to need to get professionals anyway. Donnie, Eve, nor Lott are equipped or in place to help, and then there's the time of year for Choco and if I crack with him alone, it's going to set everything back to the start. He can't even take me being the Soldier and that's the healthiest thing I can default to when I'm not coping well. He either needs to be in a better place, or I'll need actual licensed back up." He doesn't know how Wylan would react to professionals, all things considered.
But he already hates himself enough for the situation.
If he adds something else to the pile, its going to be two fires instead of one.
"...you can teleport us in an instant," he said. And god. God, does a nap sound good.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
--Oh, speaking of a couple of days.
"That reminds me. It won't be long until the kids are in season, and you'll need someplace else to be. I have a house right on the edge of the Autumn segment, it where I lived before Cole. I keep it clean and stocked... like a safehouse. Plenty of space for you two, nice and quiet, and nobody knows about it aside from Choco, and now you. I'd like to keep it that way, if you get my drift." Please don't tell people that he has this place just in case he needs to run away. "Cole can't take knowing that right now, so I need it quiet. But its yours if you want it, until the kids are through with the surge in instincts."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
"So even if he's trying to be dangerously reckless, we wouldn't be too late." Because that is the biggest concern. Wylan gets self destructive in seemingly an instant. Its why he's so worried.
He looks surprised at that. He understands the value of a safe house. They weren't things to be given out without serious consideration. "Are you sure?"
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
"Even if he's being dangerously reckless, we can get to him before there's any harm. Even if he's just panicking from his own thoughts. I've got my ears on him, and I won't hesitate if there's the slightest chance there could be a problem. I've got him. Come here and rest." He pats his shoulder.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
"Hm, at this rate, I might think you're just looking for a cuddle partner," he said. He sighed and looked out at the lake. "...it is getting close to the point where Choco is going to get tempted to use a sleep spell on me."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
He scoots a bit closer. "Come on, you can't have a better offer than this. You can be sure he's okay, and you'll be better able to keep him that way if you're rested. And I'm terribly comfortable to cuddle, so there's no downside."
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
"Your gut is really soft," he said and let's himself lean against Macaque. "Even on your back. Kind of thought it'd be matted, trapped under your fur." Instead it was stupidly soft, even if he was near tearing it out over proper petting.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
And he huffs at the comment. "Grooming is important to monkeys, I take good care of it. Especially at this time of year, when I'll be starting to shed my undercoat. I can't stand feeling dirty or making a mess so I'm pretty meticulous about it."
He opens a portal and grabs a shadow blanket. "See if this is comfortable to you, it might help you relax." It feels like a refreshing breeze in a warm shade, soft in a very different way then Macaque's fur.
Re: A couple days after the Questionable Coping
He reaches out to take the blanket. Running his hands over it at first, to get used to the feeling. Touch starvation from power armor takes very careful adjustments to new things. "Magic really is wild."
"What is going on with Cole?" He asked as he adjusted. It takes a bit for him to wide down irregardless.
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