castaside | Seasons Inbox

I wish I could, but I can't. So...this will have to do.

[He starts to purr, chirping softly in Macaque's ears.]

Safety. Love. Togetherness. Understanding. [Macaque isn't alone and still has him.]

[ Macaque shifts until he can bury his face against the crook of Wukong's neck. He spends a second just breathing him in, basking in the chirps. ]

...Do you really love me? I can't remember you saying it out loud. [ It seems like something he'd remember. He would have been on a high for a month solid. ]

[ It doesn't occur to him until too late that this might be a dangerous question. ]

I don't know if I ever said it out loud.

[He doesn't like the doubt, it twists uncomfortably in his stomach.]

I was so busy saying and trying to prove it in every other way that I never really thought about the words back then.

I guess I should have put more thought into it, because I do love you.

[ Macaque's arms are tight around Wukong before he can even think to do it, breath catching, eyes stinging. Hearing it means so much. It means the world. It's what he's always wanted. ]

You already know it, but I love you too.

[ He chirps it too, just for good measure: ] Overwhelmed, happiness, love love love love.

[Wukong nods and just cuddles in closer, still purring. He knew. It was never a question except when they were enemies.]

[ That and he said it while they were truthshroomed. ]

[ Macaque curls as close as he can possibly get, purring loudly. ] Thank you for saying it.

No problem.

[He stays where he is for a moment, then starts to groom Macaque again, pulling his mind from the negative rut it was angling toward.]

You're a very nice bright spot in this morass of I don't even know what.

[ Yeah, he's going through it. ]

It might be obvious that I've been kind of a mess, and trying to hold it together for everyone else. Not always succeeding, I'll grant you that.

Why didn't you reach out then?

[ He pulls away to look up at Wukong, lifting a hand to cup his cheek. ]

Because old, dumb habits die hard. Same reason I never asked whether you love me before. The thought of any rejection from you makes me stupid, so I don't risk it.

--But I can reach out, in the future. If you're telling me that you want me to.

Yeah, I'm saying I want you to.

Then I will.

[ And since he's being brave, here, Macaque leans up and gives Wukong a soft kiss. ]

[Wukong blinks, but it's a no-brainer to kiss him back.]

[ Macaque catches the blink, and chuckles a bit against Wukong's mouth. ]

You look surprised. [ That's all he gets out before he kisses Wukong again, and then again, and then finally gives him time to answer. ]

[Wukong responds each time, chucking finally.]

You're being full of surprises. Should I not be?

I decided to be brave for once. I guess that is surprising. But just for posterity, there is no time when I don't want to kiss you.

[ He snuggles very happily against Wukong. ]

That means a lot.

[He rests his chin on top of Macaque's head and just feels him. Just is.]

There's never a time I don't want you here.

Yeah? [ Macaque nuzzles against Wukong's chest several times. ] That's incredibly nice to hear.

-- I'd suggest that you should pin me down in this nest and prove it, but I'm not sure my mood's there. It's definitely not you, it's everything going on lately.

It's fine, I'm not really feeling it either. I can hold you to prove it though.

Deal. [ He will definitely take being held and cuddled and groomed and chirped at. ]

-- How are you handling it? I can imagine that MK is a lot right now, very understandably. He went through something extreme.

It's a more extreme version of what's been happening for months, so I'm staying closer until he feels safe enough to leave the castle and doing what we've been doing for him.

[Wukong offers a half shrugs as he pulls Macaque to lay in the nest with him.]

[ Macaque curses under his breath even as he settles against Wukong. ]

Kiddo really needs and deserves to be okay, ideally without all the nonsense making matters worse. Or his own mind making matters worse, which is the bigger challenge.

Yeah well, I can only reset him when he comes home to the place he can start moving forward. And that's all I can do because he keeps coming home shattered.

...but right now is about you.

How I am and how he is are pretty tied together, since I was there when he hurt Choco and right after, and I was there when Cole was in his coma, and I was there during that damned game. And one of his clones asked me to try to help him deal with his feelings and he said he wanted to, so I've been trying to do that, but...

[ Don't mind him burrowing into Wukong. ] Not being able to help him, or Cole, or even Choco in the way I want to, it's part of why I haven't been doing well.

[Wukong sighs through his nose.]

The thing is, I think you can help MK more. But I was trying to take care of you before I asked you for help.

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