"I haven't seen him yet. I'm trying to get some thoughts in order first, or there's a very real risk of me getting my 'run away from my problems' instinct activated."
Macaque burrows against Lucifer all the more. "Being with you quiets my mind, which is what I need. I'm processing it as fast as I can. I don't want to keep him waiting. Or them, I guess, since Cole and Wukong and Red are also relevant here. But I did tell him in there, or a statue of him, that I needed time and it wasn't about him, so I'm hoping that helps."
"I'm here for you. As long as you need to process. And I will help anyway I can," Lucifer said with a smile. The grooming kept going.
"Just something to try and think about when your mind is quiet. And you told him. I am sure he'll understand. He loves you and you love him. You both went through something awful. I'm sure he needs time like you do. To just be. Himself again, finally."
"I know." He draws a slow breath. Just trying to center himself. "Wash helped me with it too. More or less. We kept getting distracted, much like I could with you." It's tempting to just lose himself in his partners and focus on other things, like getting wrecked.
Which did help clear his head in all fairness.
"I don't want him to think I abandoned him. But I also need to be ready to talk about the Candid thing when I see him -- them -- and I'm not. I'm still more or less letting the guilt drive."
Lucifer nodded. They could get lose in each other but Lucifer is sure that wouldn't be a good idea. Not for Macaque and not in the long run. Especially now if Wash helped do that. Distractions could be good but Luci wanted to help Macaque sort these thoughts first.
"Are you going to ask to talk to them both at the same time or one then the other?" Ask about Macaque's plan first. Figure out what he has figured out then help him find out more. Give constructive criticism and help keep him calm and help with the guilt. Lucifer hopes he can do this.
Probably not a good idea no, but these things happen.
"I'll talk to MK first. He deserves that. And he'll probably forgive me immediately and I'm trying to decide whether to argue with him about that. And then I'll see Red, probably. He already texted me saying he wanted to. Wukong and Cole are harder. They both rely very heavily on MK. He's the center of their worlds... he is Red's too, but Red has less tendency to be a hermit so it's not the same. Anyway, I assume they're both going to be furious and I can't blame them. This is like my umpteenth fuckup with MK."
No, probably not. Lucifer snuggles closer and pets just behind those ears.
"Now, that sounds like a good list of priorities. But a word of advice? You may not believe it but try to remember me saying this. I doubt, very much, that Wukong or Cole are going to be furious. I have a feeling you may be surprised by their reactions. But at the same time, try to keep an open mind and don't try to force the reaction you feel you deserve. Don't let your subconscious do that to you. Be prepared for the worst but leave yourself open to surprise of it going better than you think. Okay?"
"Those are the reactions I deserve, I can't deny it. And when people aren't mad when I think they should be it feels like they're burying things that need to be aired out. I spent a long time doing that in the past and I don't want any part of it again."
"There are other things besides anger they might be feeling. Sadness. Worry. Confusion. They might be those things too. Not just angry. Just try to remember that. I believe in you and I believe in them. Go when you're ready to rip the bandage off. Until then, stay in my arms and let me hold you. Because right now, I love you and I want to shower you with love."
"I can do that," Lucifer said softly and gently kissed Macaque's head. He holds him close and tight. Three of his wings appear and gently drape over the monkey as music starts to play. The song is soft as Lucifer starts to sing.
"You've already done so much. So many lives you've changed. So many souls you've touched~
And in the end, if it's only me you've saved, There's something that I've been dying to saaaay~
More than Anything~ More than Anything~
Need you to know I love you More than anything~ More than anything~"
There's definitely comfort in being draped in Lucifer's wings and surrounded by his song. Macaque can't relax all the way yet, but he gets as close as is possible right now.
His arms tighten around Lucifer as he listens. Trying but failing to stop his eyes from welling with tears born of many things both good and bad.
He doesn't say anything for now, only clings to Lucifer and tries not to argue with himself over whether he deserves this.
Lucifer runs his claws through Macaque's hair and kisses his forehead again after the song ends.
"I sang another version of that to Charlie when we reconnected. I hope you don't mind a reprise," His hand slides down to gently brush the welling tears away with his thumb.
"I've got you, love. I've got you. And I am not letting you go. Your mate is here. I'm here. And I love you."
"Reprisals are great," Macaque murmurs as Lucifer wipes his budding tears. Between after his heart game and after Donnie rightly talked him into opening up to save MK, he's never cried more in his life than the past six months.
"Love you too," is all he can manage to say for a long moment. But he pulls Lucifer against him and purrs despite his almost-crying, so hopefully that says enough.
"Thank you. You're wonderful. I can't think of a better place to work this shit out than in bed, in your arms. Or the same with Wash, I guess I should say."
"By the way, he told me you asked him out." Look, he dearly needs a change of subject.
"I'm glad," Lucifer said to the soft murmur about reprisals. He keeps holding the monkey and listens to his sounds and the softness of those purrs. He smiles at the praise. Then the change of subject comes up and he blinks.
"Ah. Yes. Well he offered me a date and I accepted, which is semantics. I did admit to him first I find him attractive. He's trashy in other ways and men taller than me is something I enjoy. We're just seeing how things go. Given his demisexual status and I'm still very very new to dating really. We'll see where it goes. I will admit, I haven't fallen for him like I have you, love. If that, at all, is any worry in your mind or your heart. You came into my life, ready to threaten me, and then we fell in love in the same day.
"He threatened to shoot me in the dick if I ever become a bad father. Which, though hot in its own way, didn't make me quite swoon."
"Of course you find him attractive, he's a catch. That's why he and I are a thing." A thing in some form. "Not an official couple but in what he calls a romantic entanglement, which I'm not quite sure what it means but he calls me his sometimes, so. And anyone can see that I'm very smitten with him."
"It was a worry, at first. I don't have a problem with jealousy, but I do have a problem comparing myself unfavorably to my partners' other partners. And knowing how much I adore you both left me a bit freaked out that you'd have no use for me anymore. Wash successfully romanced me out of worrying from his end, and I have full faith in you doing the same from yours..."
"I might need reminders from time to time. Or even often if it's a challenging time. I'm trying to let go of this worry but it's been with me a long time."
He kisses Lucifer's cheek. "I think I'm okay if you do fall for him eventually. If I seem distant about it, now you know why. A little reassurance should fix things right up."
Lucifer's heart aches for Macaque when he hears him talk about that worry. The comparing and always falling short in his own mind. He smiles softly and cups both of Macaque's cheeks after he receives the monkey's kiss.
"You are adorable when you are smitten. And if he can pull that out of you, then I am so very happy. Let me give this a try. You, Macaque, have nothing to worry about. No use for you? Oh. I will always have use for you. Where else will I pour my love for you? Where else can I see you dazzle if not by your side? In your arms? Dancing with you? I love you, Six Eared Macaque. You have stolen my heart with your charms and your smiles and your trashy flaws and gloriously soft fur. Not to mention your dazzling love for the stage, for its craft, and your amazing singing voice. And I know, the more we spend time together, the more parts of you I will love. Until I love the whole of you. When you show me everything, let me hear it all, feel it all, and taste it all. I will adore you until the end of creation. I will miss you when you aren't in my arms, long for you whenever I see you, and think beautiful and dirty things about you in my bed. You captivate me in every way."
Lucifer kisses Macaque, pouring the love behind those words into the kiss. He rolls them over so he lays on top of the monkey man. Slowly he breaks the kiss, leaving their lips touching.
Macaque's face colors just a hint as he listens to Lucifer's words, unable to contain his smile. It's everything that he needed to hear. And topped off with a kiss and Lucifer sliding on top of him, it all just warms him from the inside.
He goes right back to smiling as soon as the kiss breaks. "Marvelously. I feel reassured, and I feel desperately in love with you."
"And if you ever need such reassurance from me, I'll offer it only too happily. I want you to know that your place in my life is an important and precious one. I want you to get to know my children and my other mates. I want you by my side in times of celebration and struggle. It's okay if you doubt any of that, but I want to know about those feelings so I can tell you everything that I love about you and make you smile again."
Lucifer smiles wide and triumphantly when he sees that smile. His heart races as he nods. Then come the words back at him and his smile stays on and only slightly changes shape. His eyes grow wide and a little watery. He digs his claws into those shoulders just a little to keep hanging on.
"Oh. Wow. I know I will need that sometimes. Right now I'm in that happy honeymoon phase but I know myself. I'll get worried I'm failing somewhere or not being enough. Or the depression will hit and I'll stay in my bed for days and not even look at my phone. If you ever reach out, and I don't respond, that's probably it. Feel free to portal to me and come out of a shadow or my shadow. I'll definitely need you to help pull me back. And I know you will."
Macaque moans softly at the claws in his shoulders as his own hands move to cup Lucifer's face, thumbs brushing over his red cheeks.
"It's okay if you do. I'll come and stay with you for as long as you need. I'll just hold you and talk to you and tell you that I love you no matter what. You don't have to be perfect for me to adore you. I love who you are, and part of that is that sometimes you stay in bed for days. I'll be there before, during, and after."
"You are simply wonderful," Lucifer said softly and kisses his mate. He doesn't release his shoulders yet. No. He likes that noise Macaque made and if this feels good for him, the claws stay. For now.
Lucifer sighs when the kiss brakes. He grins and runs his tongue over Macaque's lips.
"I suppose you're right. But I will admit, the temptation is still so strong. But perhaps we should refocus on something less sexy. Want to practice your Japanese with me?"
Macaque grins. "If I wasn't tempting you, I'd be offended. You're certainly tempting me. Have since the day we met."
Hmm... he switches to Japanese. "We can do that. I could use some practice flirting in another language." He said they shouldn't get hot and heavy, not that they're dead.
"Your teeth and claws, for one. I already know they can make me moan, and I'm looking forward to the day they don't have to hold back. The way you feel against my fur. The way we fit together. The things you say that make me want to swoon."
He leans down and kisses Lucifer's pulse point. "The way your heart sounds in my ears. I look forward to hearing it go faster and harder as we work each other up."
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Re: Post Heart Game - Text
Macaque burrows against Lucifer all the more. "Being with you quiets my mind, which is what I need. I'm processing it as fast as I can. I don't want to keep him waiting. Or them, I guess, since Cole and Wukong and Red are also relevant here. But I did tell him in there, or a statue of him, that I needed time and it wasn't about him, so I'm hoping that helps."
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"Just something to try and think about when your mind is quiet. And you told him. I am sure he'll understand. He loves you and you love him. You both went through something awful. I'm sure he needs time like you do. To just be. Himself again, finally."
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Which did help clear his head in all fairness.
"I don't want him to think I abandoned him. But I also need to be ready to talk about the Candid thing when I see him -- them -- and I'm not. I'm still more or less letting the guilt drive."
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"Are you going to ask to talk to them both at the same time or one then the other?" Ask about Macaque's plan first. Figure out what he has figured out then help him find out more. Give constructive criticism and help keep him calm and help with the guilt. Lucifer hopes he can do this.
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"I'll talk to MK first. He deserves that. And he'll probably forgive me immediately and I'm trying to decide whether to argue with him about that. And then I'll see Red, probably. He already texted me saying he wanted to. Wukong and Cole are harder. They both rely very heavily on MK. He's the center of their worlds... he is Red's too, but Red has less tendency to be a hermit so it's not the same. Anyway, I assume they're both going to be furious and I can't blame them. This is like my umpteenth fuckup with MK."
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"Now, that sounds like a good list of priorities. But a word of advice? You may not believe it but try to remember me saying this. I doubt, very much, that Wukong or Cole are going to be furious. I have a feeling you may be surprised by their reactions. But at the same time, try to keep an open mind and don't try to force the reaction you feel you deserve. Don't let your subconscious do that to you. Be prepared for the worst but leave yourself open to surprise of it going better than you think. Okay?"
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"Those are the reactions I deserve, I can't deny it. And when people aren't mad when I think they should be it feels like they're burying things that need to be aired out. I spent a long time doing that in the past and I don't want any part of it again."
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"There are other things besides anger they might be feeling. Sadness. Worry. Confusion. They might be those things too. Not just angry. Just try to remember that. I believe in you and I believe in them. Go when you're ready to rip the bandage off. Until then, stay in my arms and let me hold you. Because right now, I love you and I want to shower you with love."
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He burrows into Lucifer's shoulder. This monkey is so stressed.
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"You've already done so much.
So many lives you've changed.
So many souls you've touched~
And in the end,
if it's only me you've saved,
There's something that I've been dying to saaaay~
More than Anything~
More than Anything~
Need you to know I love you
More than anything~
More than anything~"
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His arms tighten around Lucifer as he listens. Trying but failing to stop his eyes from welling with tears born of many things both good and bad.
He doesn't say anything for now, only clings to Lucifer and tries not to argue with himself over whether he deserves this.
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"I sang another version of that to Charlie when we reconnected. I hope you don't mind a reprise," His hand slides down to gently brush the welling tears away with his thumb.
"I've got you, love. I've got you. And I am not letting you go. Your mate is here. I'm here. And I love you."
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"Love you too," is all he can manage to say for a long moment. But he pulls Lucifer against him and purrs despite his almost-crying, so hopefully that says enough.
"Thank you. You're wonderful. I can't think of a better place to work this shit out than in bed, in your arms. Or the same with Wash, I guess I should say."
"By the way, he told me you asked him out." Look, he dearly needs a change of subject.
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"Ah. Yes. Well he offered me a date and I accepted, which is semantics. I did admit to him first I find him attractive. He's trashy in other ways and men taller than me is something I enjoy. We're just seeing how things go. Given his demisexual status and I'm still very very new to dating really. We'll see where it goes. I will admit, I haven't fallen for him like I have you, love. If that, at all, is any worry in your mind or your heart. You came into my life, ready to threaten me, and then we fell in love in the same day.
"He threatened to shoot me in the dick if I ever become a bad father. Which, though hot in its own way, didn't make me quite swoon."
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"It was a worry, at first. I don't have a problem with jealousy, but I do have a problem comparing myself unfavorably to my partners' other partners. And knowing how much I adore you both left me a bit freaked out that you'd have no use for me anymore. Wash successfully romanced me out of worrying from his end, and I have full faith in you doing the same from yours..."
"I might need reminders from time to time. Or even often if it's a challenging time. I'm trying to let go of this worry but it's been with me a long time."
He kisses Lucifer's cheek. "I think I'm okay if you do fall for him eventually. If I seem distant about it, now you know why. A little reassurance should fix things right up."
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"You are adorable when you are smitten. And if he can pull that out of you, then I am so very happy. Let me give this a try. You, Macaque, have nothing to worry about. No use for you? Oh. I will always have use for you. Where else will I pour my love for you? Where else can I see you dazzle if not by your side? In your arms? Dancing with you? I love you, Six Eared Macaque. You have stolen my heart with your charms and your smiles and your trashy flaws and gloriously soft fur. Not to mention your dazzling love for the stage, for its craft, and your amazing singing voice. And I know, the more we spend time together, the more parts of you I will love. Until I love the whole of you. When you show me everything, let me hear it all, feel it all, and taste it all. I will adore you until the end of creation. I will miss you when you aren't in my arms, long for you whenever I see you, and think beautiful and dirty things about you in my bed. You captivate me in every way."
Lucifer kisses Macaque, pouring the love behind those words into the kiss. He rolls them over so he lays on top of the monkey man. Slowly he breaks the kiss, leaving their lips touching.
"So. How did I do?"
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He goes right back to smiling as soon as the kiss breaks. "Marvelously. I feel reassured, and I feel desperately in love with you."
"And if you ever need such reassurance from me, I'll offer it only too happily. I want you to know that your place in my life is an important and precious one. I want you to get to know my children and my other mates. I want you by my side in times of celebration and struggle. It's okay if you doubt any of that, but I want to know about those feelings so I can tell you everything that I love about you and make you smile again."
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"Oh. Wow. I know I will need that sometimes. Right now I'm in that happy honeymoon phase but I know myself. I'll get worried I'm failing somewhere or not being enough. Or the depression will hit and I'll stay in my bed for days and not even look at my phone. If you ever reach out, and I don't respond, that's probably it. Feel free to portal to me and come out of a shadow or my shadow. I'll definitely need you to help pull me back. And I know you will."
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"It's okay if you do. I'll come and stay with you for as long as you need. I'll just hold you and talk to you and tell you that I love you no matter what. You don't have to be perfect for me to adore you. I love who you are, and part of that is that sometimes you stay in bed for days. I'll be there before, during, and after."
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"If you keep that up, we'll get hotter and heavier than maybe we should."
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"I suppose you're right. But I will admit, the temptation is still so strong. But perhaps we should refocus on something less sexy. Want to practice your Japanese with me?"
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Hmm... he switches to Japanese. "We can do that. I could use some practice flirting in another language." He said they shouldn't get hot and heavy, not that they're dead.
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"What better time to flirt then when you have a naked man in your bed? So, love. Tell me what you like about what you see and feel."
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"Your teeth and claws, for one. I already know they can make me moan, and I'm looking forward to the day they don't have to hold back. The way you feel against my fur. The way we fit together. The things you say that make me want to swoon."
He leans down and kisses Lucifer's pulse point. "The way your heart sounds in my ears. I look forward to hearing it go faster and harder as we work each other up."
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