"Anyway. So he did it because you saying it was unhealthy and asking what would happen, I felt like that was what you wanted. ...And I have a real hard time saying no to you. I haven't really had it like happen before where you were like, X and even though I didn't want X, I would do it until now. But I realized with this dream...I am really bad at saying no to you. So yeah."
"I think it was unhealthy. It's the same thing I did with my brain surgery, and if there's one thing I learned from all that mess it's that blocking your feelings isn't the right way to cope with something that causes you pain. I like that it's gone, I just don't like how it happened. Because I believe you're strong enough to conquer your jealousy, kiddo. And I'll help you."
He huffs a sigh. "So you and Candid have sort of the same problem, I guess."
"I don't think I was back then. Strong enough, I mean. Maybe now after everything but back when I did it? I really don't think I was. Maybe now. Things have changed since them. I'll try but I'm gonna also try and like push it to fill up with something else. Try to make sure if any of my jealousy comes back it's small and quiet. I don't want to feel that way again..."
MK squishes Macaque's cheeks.
"Candid's issue is he's a codependent mess. My issue is you're too charming, handsome, and sexy to say no to. Which is my own problem. Don't stop being you."
Anther light sigh. "That jealousy is part of you, kiddo. My kiddo. I'm not sure that filling it up will solve the problem. The answer is working on it with the people you love and maybe whatever therapist you're seeing. I get that feeling that way hurts, believe me I get it, but you'll be better off if you do this the healthy way, and so will all the people you love."
And then a soft laugh. "I guess you have a point there. So long as you know that you can say no to me and it won't change anything."
"...Maybe but you get why I'm terrified of it, don't you? Why it scares me? Things are going good right now and I never ever want to do anything like what I did before again. I was so in control with it all filled up. And I like that feeling. I like being in control. The jealousy made me feel like I wasn't. That nothing was in my control." MK sighs and presses his forehead to Macaque's.
"I'll try. I'll try to work it out and work on it your way. But if I start losing myself to it again...I'm scared that is going to change something. I'm scared it'll ruin everything."
"I get why you're scared of it, of course I do. What do you think I was feeling when I asked Donnie to root around in my brain and turn my feelings off? And I felt better when he did. Instantly better. But then what I did hurt Wukong, hurt you, hurt everyone, all because I wanted to close off my feelings rather than deal with them. I'm still dealing with them, honestly. Wukong being my mate again didn't fix everything. And I can understand your jealousy too, because I have it when I think about you and Wukong. But I'm handling it because you're both too important to me to either not handle it or try to mess with my feelings all over again."
"People aren't supposed to suppress their feelings so they feel more in control, kiddo. They're supposed to figure out how to have the feelings and also be okay."
He gives MK a tight squeeze. "You won't ruin anything with me. I promise. We tried breaking up and we couldn't even do it for one whole day, so I know that I can't live without you. Jealousy and all."
"By the way, if there's anything about me that gets your jealousy riled up, I want to hear about it. That's how we work through these feelings."
MK looks up at Macaque and his eyes soften in that way MK's eyes do when he's emotional. They shine almost. Not from tears at least. He swallows as his throat feels tight and a little dry suddenly. His heart clenches like it's being hugged. He makes a soft monkey noise. Not of distress but of almost wonder.
"Okay," The word is soft and vulnerable. "I'll try. Because I have you. All of you. I'll tell you if it riles up. I'll do my best to work through it. And I believe you." He just leans his head on Macaque's shoulder and hugs his mate for a long moment. He just needs that safe contact. He tries to quiet the part of him that wants to tell him he has no reason to ever feel jealous.
Maybe he doesn't need a reason. Maybe it just happens and he can bring it up without feeling like he's ruining things. He's going to try.
MK grins back and is about to go on about how their horny demon days are done and they'll end up just holding hands and falling asleep on the couch watching movies at this rate, but something else comes up. Something that gets MK's attention and he nods.
"Alright. Yeah. Ask away." He is attentive and ready to listen.
Macaque clears his throat. It's not easy for him to go into this.
"A while ago I was trying to talk to Cole about something that was bugging me, and he told me to stop doing that because if he couldn't help then he didn't want to hear it. We've been growing distant for a while, even before that, because he told me to stay at my kids' place more often and not at the place he and I share. So I've been trying hard to respect his boundary, even though it means that we don't really talk. At all."
"But then one of the people from Cole's world told me that Cole said he misses me. And I'm not really sure what to make of that. I wondered if you had any ideas."
MK chews on his bottom lip a little before he answers. He weighs his words for a moment, taking the time to think them through.
"I know he does miss you. I know that."
"So...I stopped talking to Cole about you and me around the time I hurt Korone. Cole was between us and he couldn't do anything to help. I didn't want him to hurt or hurt him because I know we're both really important to him. When he told me about you two not talking about me, it was just about me. That because he couldn't help, it hurts him."
"Cole likes to help and take care of the people he cares about. Not being able to do that when it comes to the somethings that were so big as what was going on between us since the brain surgery...he just knew it was better to not get involved between us because of that because then all three of us were hurting and so was everyone else around us."
MK pauses for a moment and watches Macaque, waiting to see if he responds to all of that."
"It seemed pretty damn clear to me that he meant to stop talking to him about all my problems unless I was ready to take his advice. But most of the time I'm not looking for his advice, I'm looking for someone to listen. So we stopped talking about all that. And then we stopped talking about everything else."
"I don't really know how to fix it. If I even can."
Hearing that makes MK's eyes go wide for a moment.
"He told me he said or I guess meant just me problems. Cole says he and I are similar. I'm kinda like a Lost. I don't fully get it but he does get me and I get him without really having to think about it. But whatever it is, just me or any problem, maybe start there? Ask him if he can listen and let you talk through whatever it is you want to talk through? I mean, that's my idea. I guess you won't know if you can fix it unless you both try."
There's a sad thought that enters MK's mind. He doesn't voice it but it's there. Still, he's sure Macaque would want to fix this rift between him and Cole. Or they would want to work together to fix it.
"Because Cole doesn't really talk about things when he's hurting. That's how he is. And...maybe you're both waiting for the other to reach out? Has he not reached out at all?"
"He hasn't. The one and only time we had a real conversation between then and now was when I went to go find him and eventually broke down and lost it a little. In a sad way not in a mad way. I flat out told him that I'm an infant when it comes to managing feelings and I don't know what I'm doing."
"I don't understand how that and "he misses me" are in any way compatible."
"I do. He misses you and misses talking to you. But you feel he doesn't want you to talk to him at all and you told him you're not good with managing feelings which...I mean, I don't see it since you offered to help me deal with my jealousy. I don't know what he's thinking or feeling exactly. We haven't talked about you and him for a bit. We talked when we broke up for a day. He did tell me what he told you was to not feel obligated to come back to his house every night when he wanted you to be able to stay the night where you wanted, when you wanted. And that you felt that meant he was pushing you away completely."
"That was the most he said recently when we talked."
"And I told him I wanted to stay, but he basically made me promise to stay with my kids."
"I don't know what to do about this. It all felt really clear. Don't bug him about my problems, stay with my kids. So I've been doing that."
"I've thought about approaching him a lot, but every time I do I think that he probably doesn't want me to based on what he said. I can't be bringing up my troubles to him if it's going to hurt him."
"Maybe start less with you both talking to either one about problems and just doing something together? Anything? A movie night? Or going for a walk together? Grooming the rabbits? Just spending time together could be a start."
"My Warrior. You two got each other before. I don't know if you can find your way back there or move forward to something similar or not but...you won't know if you neither of you try. Him or you. It's that or you both hang on waiting for the other and that sounds awful. Your room is still there, in the rabbit house."
"So Cole needs to reach out, you do, you both keep waiting, or you say goodbye to each other. I don't know what is going to happen but it's one of those three."
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"Anyway. So he did it because you saying it was unhealthy and asking what would happen, I felt like that was what you wanted. ...And I have a real hard time saying no to you. I haven't really had it like happen before where you were like, X and even though I didn't want X, I would do it until now. But I realized with this dream...I am really bad at saying no to you. So yeah."
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He huffs a sigh. "So you and Candid have sort of the same problem, I guess."
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MK squishes Macaque's cheeks.
"Candid's issue is he's a codependent mess. My issue is you're too charming, handsome, and sexy to say no to. Which is my own problem. Don't stop being you."
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And then a soft laugh. "I guess you have a point there. So long as you know that you can say no to me and it won't change anything."
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"I'll try. I'll try to work it out and work on it your way. But if I start losing myself to it again...I'm scared that is going to change something. I'm scared it'll ruin everything."
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"People aren't supposed to suppress their feelings so they feel more in control, kiddo. They're supposed to figure out how to have the feelings and also be okay."
He gives MK a tight squeeze. "You won't ruin anything with me. I promise. We tried breaking up and we couldn't even do it for one whole day, so I know that I can't live without you. Jealousy and all."
"By the way, if there's anything about me that gets your jealousy riled up, I want to hear about it. That's how we work through these feelings."
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"Okay," The word is soft and vulnerable. "I'll try. Because I have you. All of you. I'll tell you if it riles up. I'll do my best to work through it. And I believe you." He just leans his head on Macaque's shoulder and hugs his mate for a long moment. He just needs that safe contact. He tries to quiet the part of him that wants to tell him he has no reason to ever feel jealous.
Maybe he doesn't need a reason. Maybe it just happens and he can bring it up without feeling like he's ruining things. He's going to try.
"I love you."
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"I love you too, kiddo. And hey, look at us having a whole real conversation without being all over each other and avoiding the issues."
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"Oh my goodness, you're right. We haven't even done any sloppy kissing. I think we're, GASP!" Yes. He says the word.
"We're being grown mature adults right now!"
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Proper order from now on!
"But before that... I think I maybe need to ask you something, about Cole."
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"Alright. Yeah. Ask away." He is attentive and ready to listen.
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"A while ago I was trying to talk to Cole about something that was bugging me, and he told me to stop doing that because if he couldn't help then he didn't want to hear it. We've been growing distant for a while, even before that, because he told me to stay at my kids' place more often and not at the place he and I share. So I've been trying hard to respect his boundary, even though it means that we don't really talk. At all."
"But then one of the people from Cole's world told me that Cole said he misses me. And I'm not really sure what to make of that. I wondered if you had any ideas."
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"I know he does miss you. I know that."
"So...I stopped talking to Cole about you and me around the time I hurt Korone. Cole was between us and he couldn't do anything to help. I didn't want him to hurt or hurt him because I know we're both really important to him. When he told me about you two not talking about me, it was just about me. That because he couldn't help, it hurts him."
"Cole likes to help and take care of the people he cares about. Not being able to do that when it comes to the somethings that were so big as what was going on between us since the brain surgery...he just knew it was better to not get involved between us because of that because then all three of us were hurting and so was everyone else around us."
MK pauses for a moment and watches Macaque, waiting to see if he responds to all of that."
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"I don't really know how to fix it. If I even can."
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"He told me he said or I guess meant just me problems. Cole says he and I are similar. I'm kinda like a Lost. I don't fully get it but he does get me and I get him without really having to think about it. But whatever it is, just me or any problem, maybe start there? Ask him if he can listen and let you talk through whatever it is you want to talk through? I mean, that's my idea. I guess you won't know if you can fix it unless you both try."
There's a sad thought that enters MK's mind. He doesn't voice it but it's there. Still, he's sure Macaque would want to fix this rift between him and Cole. Or they would want to work together to fix it.
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"Besides, if he misses me then why doesn't he say something? It's like we're just always walking past each other."
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"I don't understand how that and "he misses me" are in any way compatible."
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"That was the most he said recently when we talked."
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"I don't know what to do about this. It all felt really clear. Don't bug him about my problems, stay with my kids. So I've been doing that."
"I've thought about approaching him a lot, but every time I do I think that he probably doesn't want me to based on what he said. I can't be bringing up my troubles to him if it's going to hurt him."
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"You said it yourself, you get him and he gets you. Maybe I just don't get him."
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"My Warrior. You two got each other before. I don't know if you can find your way back there or move forward to something similar or not but...you won't know if you neither of you try. Him or you. It's that or you both hang on waiting for the other and that sounds awful. Your room is still there, in the rabbit house."
"So Cole needs to reach out, you do, you both keep waiting, or you say goodbye to each other. I don't know what is going to happen but it's one of those three."
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"He wants to help, but he doesn't want my help. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to that other than how I am."
It sounds like Macaque thinks they already said goodbye.
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MK hears it and it hurts his heart.
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