"Good." That she doesn't blame herself for them being hurt. Or think that they had it worse.
"I think it's probably typical parental worry, magnified by traumatic situations. I worried about you. I paced and fretted, I tried all kinds of magic until I was exhausted and had to hand things over to the research center. And when I saw you in that thing--" meaning the muzzle, "I was horrified. I was guilty for not being able to get you out sooner. I wanted to panic. But I couldn't, because you needed me. After you had your time with me and were settled back in the house, I went into my room and had what I think was a panic attack." Which he knows about from his mental health reading. "Which was unfun. I felt like I'd failed you. Failed as your parent. Not rational feelings I know, but that's the truth."
[ Gods above, below, and anywhere and everywhere between and around, she aches for him. It's hard to hear but important to listen. And listen she does, quietly … though she can't help a quietly empathetic, ] Ughhh, panic attacks. Definitely unfun. [ They deeply suck. Zero stars, would not recommend. Anyway - ]
We feel how we feel, regardless of how rational those feelings are. I mean … knowing something logically is one thing? Working through and internalising it is something else.
[ She rubs the side of her neck. The touch lingers, though it's more thoughtful than anything. ] For my part, if I can be even a fraction as good a parent to my children as you are to me, I'll be heading in the right direction. … I'm not saying that to try to talk you out of your feelings, it's just — important to me. And I want you to know. [ She's said it before. She will say it again. ]
"Even in my panic, I was confident that you'd be okay eventually. You're resilient beyond anyone I've ever known." He hates that she's had to be, but she is. It's a part of her.
"I'm glad that you think I'm doing okay at this parenting thing. It's the most important thing I've ever done. I just want to do the best I can for you and Donnie."
[ resilient beyond anyone he's ever known. that's — she knows he believes in her, she knows that, and she knows he trusts her, but hearing it like this hits hard.
hopefully he's ready for a hug because that's exactly what he's getting, awkward positioning be damned. ]
You're doing more than okay. Way, way more. You're always trying for us and it shows — it shines, Dad. You shine.
"I do think you're." He thinks she's everything, but strong and resilient especially. He's so proud of his babygirl.
He gets his arms open for her just in time, and gives her a squeeze at precisely her preferred tightness.
"I'm so glad." And that's all he can really say, because his words are watery and wavering, his eyes burning. If he fails at everything else in his life he could accept it as long as he's a good father to these kids who have suffered enough.
[ She wiggles closer as best she can, which may or may not mean she's pretzeling herself halfway into his lap and also that she's hypothetically in danger of dunking herself the rest of the way into the lazy river. Oh well. The important thing is that she's hugging her dad, tucking herself under his chin with a nuzzle and a purr.
A familiar monkey tail manifests, curling around him, seeking and gently twining with his own tail. They can keep talking in a moment. Snuggles first. ]
Macaque wouldn't have considered himself all that snuggly before Ellipsa. Wukong was an exception, but he was an exception to most things. Even the first few months he was here, he kept himself carefully apart from everyone.
But the minute he adopted his kids, he started craving their snuggles like mad. It was the best way to ensure that they're safe and well and as happy as he can make them.
And now he's a champion cuddler, and he uses that to the fullest now. Making sure that Choco knows how very much she's loved.
[ Korone's younger self wasn't all that much of a cuddler; something as simple as a friendly on the shoulder was enough to get Blue flustered and squirming. Then came the Jungle, and Kyriakos — and with Kyriakos came Puma, Wash, David. Her brother. ]
[ These days she's the cuddliest cuddlebug that ever did live as long as she feels safe enough. ... Also as long as touch — even the very idea of it, on her worse days — doesn't make her want to crawl out of her own skin. Ugh. But right now she does feel safe, extremely so, and so fucking loved her heart is an endless overflowing fountain of ooey gooeyness, and there's nowhere she'd rather be than in his arms. ]
[ She even! Says a big fuck you to the midkey itchy nightmare of being partway through her spring moult! To tuck her wings around him as well. (The mess and pin feathers are, for the record, partially hidden by a glamour. A glamour which is slipping like spaghetti sauce down a window.) ]
[ It's a few minutes before she speaks again. ]
Hey … Dad? Remember when I asked you to teach me acupressure? [ Last year, during his spring shed. She'd groomed him into a snoozing puddle of purring monkey, and held him when the peaceful lul was shattered by a nightmare. ]
It's been on my mind for a while. [ She's learned a lot since then. Practiced a lot, too, delighting in spoiling Macaque rotten along the way. ] And — this might sound kinda weird? Bear with me.
Thinking about the jar, and that thing they put on me … it reminded me. Of the things I'm still working towards. Like - [ she lists out the Chinese names for various pressure points on and near the neck and around the tops of the shoulders. ]
[ And that reminded her Wash's heart and the Cursed Game, and Macaque not-so-subtly avoiding referencing the latter earlier in this very conversation. ]
[ She shifts her grip on him, freeing a hand to rubb the back of her neck. ]
I know these ones [ taps over a couple of pressure points ] are good for headaches. And we both know I get plenty of headaches, because oof shadow magic augh glamourie. [ Said with a chuckle, one because it's true, two because it's an understatement, and three because it's so fucking worth it. ] There's plenty of other ways to help, obviously, but ... it'd be nice. If I could lay some of that old trauma to rest. Take back another part of myself, and move forward.
[ Her arm goes back around him, squishing him snug. ]
And that all gets me thinking about some of the things we haven't talked about yet. Like Wash-nii's heart, and the cursed game ... though that one isn't — it's more something I've been worried because it hurt you and the others so much.
"Yeah, learning new magic will do that," he says sympathetically. He's been there.
It would be nice to be able to use acupressure on her, for sure.
But hearing that it reminds her of such things...
"We can talk about those things if you want to. I never wanted to hurt you by bringing it up." he pauses. "And I'm sure it'll hurt me too, but only a little." He can handle this. He will handle it.
It's worth it. [ She bunts her head against his shoulder affectionately. ] And I really, really, really, that's three whole reallys [ a quirk she picked up from Donnie; three reallys is holy shit levels of emphasis, commitment, what-have-you ] wanna be able to enjoy that with you.
[ Choco Korone, admitting she wants to be spoiled? Stop the presses. ]
I want that.
[ There's just … thorny obstacles to navigate along the way. ]
[ She hums a bit when he says he didn't want to hurt her by bringing it up. Gives him another squeeze, this time with her arms, wings, and her fluffy monkey tail. ] You're trying to look out for me. I've noticed that you … mm, if it's something that involves me, you don't wanna put it on me? Or to feel like you are, or might be. Because you never want to hurt me. That's kinda why I haven't pushed before, beyond asking those times …
You can always ask though. If there's a chance talking to me might help, or even if there's just … things you've been wondering about? You can ask. I'll let you know if it's too much. [ She peeks up at him. ] And you can let me know if any of this gets to be too much for you. If it's hurting more than helping.
Like I said, a lot of my Cursed Game feelings come down to worry for you guys. For my part … it's kinda like, some asshole put another lego brick in my shoe? Again? Really? Siiiigh.
"I'd love to be able to help you in that way. I know there's some," hm, "things to work out first. I'm willing to try if you want to." He'll do absolutely anything for her happiness and comfort.
He nods along when she says that he doesn't want to put things on her, push her. He truly doesn't. Sometimes, in training, he has to, but this is different.
"I'm worried that if I bring it up out of nowhere, you'll dissociate. I don't want to put you in pain."
Then the cursed game, the very mention of which causes him to tighten up. For her it was an annoying Tuesday, for him it was hell. Carrying around her corpse and then realizing who she was, watching MK get killed by Red, all the other bonkers shit.
"The cursed game is hard for me to talk about. But we can. And I'd like to know about Wash's heart, if you can stand to tell me, just so I'm prepared when it happens."
If you're willing … [ She nods slowly. ] I am too. … I get a little [ sometimes a lot ] anxious about my reactions potentially hurting you, but … that's something we can work through as well.
[ It's worth it. Both as a way to be closer with him and the rest of her family, and because it'll help her be safer. It's a weakness that can and has been used against her. ]
Mmm … [ A thoughtful, maybe slightly rueful, hum. ] I get that. [ Even if you're not the one causing the actual hurt, it sucks to feel like you accidentally sprung a bear-trap on someone. ] It's been getting easier — to … stay, I guess? Some of the stuff that would've kneecapped me a year or two ago, I can take a deep breath and look in the eye now. But I've got a lot of healing left to do. … And, um. Also neurodivergence? … Apparently, I guess. Anyway. Texting can help! Like, mm, 'can I ask you some questions about marine reptiles' to give me a ballpark, and if that feels fine we can narrow it down to more and more specific subjects, like the feeding habits of saltwater iguanas.
[ She feels him stiffen up at the mention of the game and cuddles closer, running her fingers through his hair. It being hell for him — knowing that he saw her die, that he blames himself, and carried her all that way — is why she's been so worried. So upset for him. ]
If it gets to be too hard, we can stop. [ There's pushing and then there's pushing. ] I won't be hurt or disappointed or anything. And, the heart game … it's doable for me; I've talked about it a few times before and it's important for you to know. Just … as a heads up, you're gonna feel feelings about it.
"Your reactions don't hurt me, babygirl. I just get worried that they're hurting you." He doesn't feel familiar enough yet with her triggers to ave confidence that he's being sufficiently gentle with them.
He nods through her explanation, especially at the neurodivergence, before the marine reptiles analogy loses him a little. But he thinks he gets the point.
Macaque forces himself to relax as she strokes through his hair. It's not her fault and he doesn't want to make her feel bad for it.
"I'm okay with feeling things about it. Them. Both things." He thinks he's as ready as he'll ever be.
Ehehe. [ She actually giggles a li'l bit — and then snorts when a thought occurs to her. ] … did I ever tell you I thought I was neurotypical until summer last year?
[ Also, well, since her hand is already where it is … maybe some light grooming, as a treat. ]
Anyway, the iguanalogy! [ Hmmm. ] I've seen a lot of bullshit and I don't always know what my triggers are until they come up. … Plus, sometimes, some days, something that wouldn't usually bother me will. Or vice versa.
So it can help to start with a general theme or topic. It gets me thinking, gives me a chance to check in with myself.
I don't? Huh … They made it sound like it was really obvious. [ They is said with relaxed affection and curiosity, nobody has been making her feel bad for being who she is. ]
[ But she nods. ]
Yeah. Pretty much. It's not something I always need, just, if you're unsure or worried.
Oh, that's — [ her hands are kinda busy right now so she taps her feet instead, thinkin' tappies ] Masking, right? Donnie doesn't really do that, yeah …
[ She wants to ask more about Macaque's thoughts and observations. Really wants to, in fact, and she wiggles a teensy bit before she catches herself. It'd be a hell of a tangent (albeit a (probably?) pleasant one; certainly in comparison with the actual matters at hand.) ]
Mmhm. I'm in a good place for them. [ She's rather calm all things considered, snuggled up all cosy practically in his lap and grooming his hair section by section. ] Maybe let's … mm, start with the cursed game? It's -- I think the main? reason I suggested talking earlier.
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"I think it's probably typical parental worry, magnified by traumatic situations. I worried about you. I paced and fretted, I tried all kinds of magic until I was exhausted and had to hand things over to the research center. And when I saw you in that thing--" meaning the muzzle, "I was horrified. I was guilty for not being able to get you out sooner. I wanted to panic. But I couldn't, because you needed me. After you had your time with me and were settled back in the house, I went into my room and had what I think was a panic attack." Which he knows about from his mental health reading. "Which was unfun. I felt like I'd failed you. Failed as your parent. Not rational feelings I know, but that's the truth."
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We feel how we feel, regardless of how rational those feelings are. I mean … knowing something logically is one thing? Working through and internalising it is something else.
[ She rubs the side of her neck. The touch lingers, though it's more thoughtful than anything. ] For my part, if I can be even a fraction as good a parent to my children as you are to me, I'll be heading in the right direction. … I'm not saying that to try to talk you out of your feelings, it's just — important to me. And I want you to know. [ She's said it before. She will say it again. ]
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"I'm glad that you think I'm doing okay at this parenting thing. It's the most important thing I've ever done. I just want to do the best I can for you and Donnie."
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[ resilient beyond anyone he's ever known. that's — she knows he believes in her, she knows that, and she knows he trusts her, but hearing it like this hits hard.
hopefully he's ready for a hug because that's exactly what he's getting, awkward positioning be damned. ]
You're doing more than okay. Way, way more. You're always trying for us and it shows — it shines, Dad. You shine.
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He gets his arms open for her just in time, and gives her a squeeze at precisely her preferred tightness.
"I'm so glad." And that's all he can really say, because his words are watery and wavering, his eyes burning. If he fails at everything else in his life he could accept it as long as he's a good father to these kids who have suffered enough.
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[ She wiggles closer as best she can, which may or may not mean she's pretzeling herself halfway into his lap and also that she's hypothetically in danger of dunking herself the rest of the way into the lazy river. Oh well. The important thing is that she's hugging her dad, tucking herself under his chin with a nuzzle and a purr.
A familiar monkey tail manifests, curling around him, seeking and gently twining with his own tail. They can keep talking in a moment. Snuggles first. ]
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But the minute he adopted his kids, he started craving their snuggles like mad. It was the best way to ensure that they're safe and well and as happy as he can make them.
And now he's a champion cuddler, and he uses that to the fullest now. Making sure that Choco knows how very much she's loved.
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[ These days she's the cuddliest cuddlebug that ever did live as long as she feels safe enough. ... Also as long as touch — even the very idea of it, on her worse days — doesn't make her want to crawl out of her own skin. Ugh. But right now she does feel safe, extremely so, and so fucking loved her heart is an endless overflowing fountain of ooey gooeyness, and there's nowhere she'd rather be than in his arms. ]
[ She even! Says a big fuck you to the midkey itchy nightmare of being partway through her spring moult! To tuck her wings around him as well. (The mess and pin feathers are, for the record, partially hidden by a glamour. A glamour which is slipping like spaghetti sauce down a window.) ]
[ It's a few minutes before she speaks again. ]
Hey … Dad? Remember when I asked you to teach me acupressure? [ Last year, during his spring shed. She'd groomed him into a snoozing puddle of purring monkey, and held him when the peaceful lul was shattered by a nightmare. ]
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"I remember." He hadn't need in shape for it at the time, needing all available limbs to respond to the itchy.
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Thinking about the jar, and that thing they put on me … it reminded me. Of the things I'm still working towards. Like - [ she lists out the Chinese names for various pressure points on and near the neck and around the tops of the shoulders. ]
[ And that reminded her Wash's heart and the Cursed Game, and Macaque not-so-subtly avoiding referencing the latter earlier in this very conversation. ]
[ (… She hopes he didn't think it was subtle.) ]
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"Yeah? What about them?"
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[ She shifts her grip on him, freeing a hand to rubb the back of her neck. ]
I know these ones [ taps over a couple of pressure points ] are good for headaches. And we both know I get plenty of headaches, because oof shadow magic augh glamourie. [ Said with a chuckle, one because it's true, two because it's an understatement, and three because it's so fucking worth it. ] There's plenty of other ways to help, obviously, but ... it'd be nice. If I could lay some of that old trauma to rest. Take back another part of myself, and move forward.
[ Her arm goes back around him, squishing him snug. ]
And that all gets me thinking about some of the things we haven't talked about yet. Like Wash-nii's heart, and the cursed game ... though that one isn't — it's more something I've been worried because it hurt you and the others so much.
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It would be nice to be able to use acupressure on her, for sure.
But hearing that it reminds her of such things...
"We can talk about those things if you want to. I never wanted to hurt you by bringing it up." he pauses. "And I'm sure it'll hurt me too, but only a little." He can handle this. He will handle it.
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[ Choco Korone, admitting she wants to be spoiled? Stop the presses. ]
I want that.
[ There's just … thorny obstacles to navigate along the way. ]
[ She hums a bit when he says he didn't want to hurt her by bringing it up. Gives him another squeeze, this time with her arms, wings, and her fluffy monkey tail. ] You're trying to look out for me. I've noticed that you … mm, if it's something that involves me, you don't wanna put it on me? Or to feel like you are, or might be. Because you never want to hurt me. That's kinda why I haven't pushed before, beyond asking those times …
You can always ask though. If there's a chance talking to me might help, or even if there's just … things you've been wondering about? You can ask. I'll let you know if it's too much. [ She peeks up at him. ] And you can let me know if any of this gets to be too much for you. If it's hurting more than helping.
Like I said, a lot of my Cursed Game feelings come down to worry for you guys. For my part … it's kinda like, some asshole put another lego brick in my shoe? Again? Really? Siiiigh.
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He nods along when she says that he doesn't want to put things on her, push her. He truly doesn't. Sometimes, in training, he has to, but this is different.
"I'm worried that if I bring it up out of nowhere, you'll dissociate. I don't want to put you in pain."
Then the cursed game, the very mention of which causes him to tighten up. For her it was an annoying Tuesday, for him it was hell. Carrying around her corpse and then realizing who she was, watching MK get killed by Red, all the other bonkers shit.
"The cursed game is hard for me to talk about. But we can. And I'd like to know about Wash's heart, if you can stand to tell me, just so I'm prepared when it happens."
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If you're willing … [ She nods slowly. ] I am too. … I get a little [ sometimes a lot ] anxious about my reactions potentially hurting you, but … that's something we can work through as well.
[ It's worth it. Both as a way to be closer with him and the rest of her family, and because it'll help her be safer. It's a weakness that can and has been used against her. ]
Mmm … [ A thoughtful, maybe slightly rueful, hum. ] I get that. [ Even if you're not the one causing the actual hurt, it sucks to feel like you accidentally sprung a bear-trap on someone. ] It's been getting easier — to … stay, I guess? Some of the stuff that would've kneecapped me a year or two ago, I can take a deep breath and look in the eye now. But I've got a lot of healing left to do. … And, um. Also neurodivergence? … Apparently, I guess. Anyway. Texting can help! Like, mm, 'can I ask you some questions about marine reptiles' to give me a ballpark, and if that feels fine we can narrow it down to more and more specific subjects, like the feeding habits of saltwater iguanas.
[ She feels him stiffen up at the mention of the game and cuddles closer, running her fingers through his hair. It being hell for him — knowing that he saw her die, that he blames himself, and carried her all that way — is why she's been so worried. So upset for him. ]
If it gets to be too hard, we can stop. [ There's pushing and then there's pushing. ] I won't be hurt or disappointed or anything. And, the heart game … it's doable for me; I've talked about it a few times before and it's important for you to know. Just … as a heads up, you're gonna feel feelings about it.
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He nods through her explanation, especially at the neurodivergence, before the marine reptiles analogy loses him a little. But he thinks he gets the point.
Macaque forces himself to relax as she strokes through his hair. It's not her fault and he doesn't want to make her feel bad for it.
"I'm okay with feeling things about it. Them. Both things." He thinks he's as ready as he'll ever be.
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[ Korone tilts her head. ]
Did I lose you at the iguanas, or was it something else—?
[ She figures it might be good to clarify, if he needs it, before they go diving into the weeds about the Big Stuff. ]
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[ Also, well, since her hand is already where it is … maybe some light grooming, as a treat. ]
Anyway, the iguanalogy! [ Hmmm. ] I've seen a lot of bullshit and I don't always know what my triggers are until they come up. … Plus, sometimes, some days, something that wouldn't usually bother me will. Or vice versa.
So it can help to start with a general theme or topic. It gets me thinking, gives me a chance to check in with myself.
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Macaque purrs a bit as she grooms his hair.
"I see. Start off generally and then narrow down to specifics if all goes okay."
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[ But she nods. ]
Yeah. Pretty much. It's not something I always need, just, if you're unsure or worried.
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"So... are you in a good place for those discussions? Where do you want to start?" Cursed game or heart game, what shitty options.
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[ She wants to ask more about Macaque's thoughts and observations. Really wants to, in fact, and she wiggles a teensy bit before she catches herself. It'd be a hell of a tangent (albeit a (probably?) pleasant one; certainly in comparison with the actual matters at hand.) ]
Mmhm. I'm in a good place for them. [ She's rather calm all things considered, snuggled up all cosy practically in his lap and grooming his hair section by section. ] Maybe let's … mm, start with the cursed game? It's -- I think the main? reason I suggested talking earlier.
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He can feel her wanting to ask more about it, and is hoping she will because delays and distractions would be good, if only delaying the inevitable.
He nods. "Okay. What about it?" he asks, not managing to be casual.
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