[To be fair, Wash is very much acknowledging that it would be real hard on Maine and if it WAS just about Wash owning up to what he did, he would be far less hesitant. Maybe still wait to make sure things between him and Carolina were stable at least (he really needed to catch up with her and see how she was doing), but if he could tell North he killed South, he'd tell Maine he killed him.]
[But there is no way to tell Maine that without making it far more damaging than it had to be (like Maine wasn't a broken mess, feral and out of control, like either Maine turned on Wash, or Wash turned on him instead of circumstances out of their control), or telling Maine generally what he did and the implications of he'd kill Wash would be enough to paint a terrible picture.]
[When someone tried so hard to protect, the worst thing to find out is you were the monster in the darkness.]
...are you all right?
I know you won't push and I....I can't let you change my mind on this. Not this.
But its still...
I can see it still being...
[He waves a hand in the air.]
Knowing I could do something like that, if nothing else.
[ Macaque snaps out of whatever reverie he was in. ]
Me? [ He opens his mouth to answer... then closes it. ]
[ He thinks for a second, checking in with himself, because he doesn't want to be patronizing or give an untrue answer in the name of making Wash feel better. ]
Mostly. It's not my favorite set of memories that we're drawing parallels to. But you need something, even if I'm not sure what that is yet, so that's where my head is. I might feel differently later, I couldn't tell you, but right at this moment that's where I come down.
I... [His heart is still racing, still anxious.] I know how much it hurt you, and how much trust matters to you, and its...
Its one of the worst things I've done. Of my own volition. [Most things, there was some level of ignorance or mind control or fucked up stakes that made for desperate decisions. And this one...well, okay, it was still a desperate situation.]
[But it was the last domino in a line of things instead of some on high power fucking with him. There was time to get off the train far earlier before it crashed.]
I will. [ That's probably all he can do. Promise that, be here, and wait. ]
[ There's a short pause before Macaque softly adds: ] I trust you. Hearing about this terrible thing that you did hasn't changed that.
[ He very badly wants to sweep Wash into a crushing hug, but he stays where he is: not touching, but well within reach to lay on or yank into an embrace. Options are good. ]
....okay. Okay, I just... [His heart takes a bit to slow down, but he trusts Macaque to not lie about this. It helps the anxiety.] I wasn't sure how you'd take it.
[Touching. Touching is a thing. There is a part of him that wants to reach out. Another part is buzzing so loud. Its a lot of feelings that he's trying to sort through, especially when he had essentially jammed the gears of his own switching.]
[He doesn't even know whose in charge right now.]
You don't need to protect me from him. So you know. I appreciate you want to. But Maine was never a threat to me.
Honestly, he's probably the reason why I survived some of the Meta encounters I did. About the only reason I can think of for the Meta leaving me the healing unit. Whatever was left in there refused to take it.
As long as he doesn't somehow end up with Sigma, he'd take a thousand bullets if it meant keeping Carolina and me safe.
Yeah, Macaque figured that things were noisy, maybe buzzy. He's not offended at the lack of touch, it's whatever helps Wash. Feeling impotent kinda sucks but he's not about to pile more shit on poor Wash about it.
"Good to know. I'll apologize and tell him it's a reflex slash bad habit, which is true enough." Macaque would like to be in good terms with the people that Wash cares about.
Wash nodded. "I mean, its not wrong to say most any agent I found did have a high chance of trying to kill me. Carolina was pretty much the only one who didn't. All the rest were either dead or at least took a few shots," he said and shrugged. "So its not an unreasonable response. He just might be feeling insecure. There was a training accident not too long ago where he did get someone hurt."
He huffed. "You can guess who encouraged using a live grenade during a training session."
Finally he moves a hand up. Back of his hand on the blankets, fingers making a gimme motion.
"If he does spar you, try to not be too harsh in the reality check. He's used to very little being able to match him for pure strength," he said. "Him and Carolina are going to need to learn how many more big fishes are in this pond, but its gonna leave them shook either way. If I'm lucky, I might get the idea through to Carolina without having to have a big fish fight her."
"I tried to tell him to not bother holding back. I don't think he believed me," he said. "So probably for the best. He'll probably want a rematch when he realizes I wasn't kidding. Or thinking I have rose colored glasses about my boyfriend. One of those."
Macaque slides over and gets his arms around Wash for a tight hug.
"He'll believe it all eventually. Reality happens whether he's ready or not. Besides, he strikes me as someone who doesn't mind a challenge once he has his footing." All Wash's colleagues have so far.
Wash doesn't lean into it. But he doesn't lean away either. His brain is still a little scrambled, he's hoping it'll pull a few eggs together.
"Hm, it's between that and the goalpost that is a concern. He's not the most graceful loser if he doesn't expect it as a possibility," he said. Carolina? Sure. But there was a reason he was willing to use the grenade against Tex.
"Thanks," Wash said. He doesn't expect him to throw the fight. Prefers he didn't. Maine DOES need to learn and better with Macaque than a Darkness Monster or someone possessed. "You're good to me."
"Debatable. You did break your tail dragging me out of a blood pond, pretty sure that's the first 'good thing' between us," he said, fingers of one hand idly carding through his fur.
"I'm pretty sure your opening up to me" about Epsilon "was the first good thing that was hard to do emotionally. Dragging your ass out of the blood was comparatively easy."
A pause. "I'm glad you lean on me when things are hard. Even if it's not always pretty. Makes me feel like I'm able to repay what you've done for me."
"I think you just like to sell yourself short," Wash said with a huff, and knocking his head against Macaque's gently
"Mac, you do plenty for me," Wash said, turning his head to look at Macaque. "I told Maine you make me feel safe. I said that because Maine understands what that means. And that was for a me who was a lot less hurt. Safety is a hell of a thing for those who were stuck in a genocidal war."
"Hell, I only got through that interaction because I knew you were listening. It makes it a lot easier to strangle all my fear and survival instincts when I know worst came to worst, I could count on you. I could take the risks I did because you would be there if it had blown up in my face."
At first, Macaque thinks he knows where this is going. Yeah, he's had this conversation with Cole. But in that case, the "retaliation" was a list of concrete tasks. It wasn't...
Well. Emotional support stuff. Things that Macaque constantly feels like he's flailing about and fucking up. Hell, there's plenty of objective evidence that he fucks them up.
But not with Wash, apparently. Macaque manages to shut his defense mechanisms up long enough to actually listen. And he can't argue with Wash's own perception of his experience, he can't. Not to Wash, not now. Even if he has no fucking clue how he achieved any of that.
Macaque breathes in, then out, feeling warmed from the inside in a way he hasn't felt so often in his life.
"You can always count on me when you need me." He can't and won't promise to do it perfectly, or hell even get it right most of the time, but that he can absolutely promise. He'll try, and he gets the feeling that most of the time, that would be enough. He's honestly equally grateful for that as he is for Wash's actual words.
He reaches up to run his fingers through Wash's hair before he can help himself. Grooming instinct kicks up when he's feeling this way. (If it's too much, he stops instantly.)
Sometimes you are dating a monkey man whose nearly unkillable, who can bench press a truck, be by your side in an instant, and nine times out of ten will know when you're in actual danger.
Who also knows what its like to be stabbed in the back and clearly hates it.
And when you're used to feeling unsafe, because people stab you in the back, because they aren't strong enough to help you, because they DIE, having someone who isn't any of that counters a lot of Wash's lowkey anxiety with most people.
Plus all the other stuff, like how hard Macaque tries, how patient he can be, how he's willing to wait, but also act when he needs to.
Wash is pretty sure Macaque would rather gouge out his other eye then not be there for Wash and that does a lot.
"I know," he said. He sighs and closes his eyes, letting Macaque groom. Its helping balance him a little. He still needs to sort out the stuck gears. "Sometimes people don't need the acts of service to be assured," he said softly. "Knowing you're in my corner, and in Choco's corner, that does way more than most anything else. People being there makes a world of difference. I was only recognizable as a person to Maine because of people like you who chose to be in my corner after a long time of me not having people."
Macaque would do more than gouge out his eye before choosing not to be there for Wash. He doesn't discount not being there by accident, though.
He still thinks Wash deserves at least some credit for how well this works, though. Wash explains things in a way that he can understand, that makes sense to him, that makes it easy to listen. Like in this conversation, if there's a disagreement about what to do at least Macaque feels heard and understood, and that's enough to get him to do the same in return.
He wishes it translated so well to the rest of his relationships. (Things are improving but still have a ways to go.)
Macaque keeps grooming as long as Wash seems to like it. Or at least tolerate it.
"I believe you." Which is a small fucking miracle. "I can't explain why, but it's easy with you. And with Choco. So... you make me feel safe too. And you probably know what a big deal that is for me, as well."
"I do," Wash said, a hand reaching out to rest on Macaque's back. Stroking small circles there. "Choco has always been good at finding a way to connect to people who have the hardest time doing so. And I've had to communicate with a lot of....let's say eccentric people."
He is hard pressed to think of anyone he's close to who is truly normal.
"I'm glad I can give you that. Someone who makes sense. It can help to have a port even if things are rough with others who are important in your life," he said. It was kind of why having a support NETWORK was important. If things were rough with one person, another could help.
Like when Donut helped him when he was on the rocks with Carolina.
The problem with stroking Macaque's back is that you get purring. Or maybe that was by design.
This conversation is surreal. It's not like Macaque has nowhere else that feels easy -- Lucifer and Red Son spring to mind -- it's more that they don't really explain it like this.
Much as he'd like to hear more of it, he wants to help Wash more than he wants to hear compliments. And Wash seems more relaxed now.
"So what's the plan with Maine?" he asks as he keeps on with his grooming. They established that Wash isn't going to tell him the bad news, so...?
"...I see if I can keep my cool," Wash said. "To be fair, Maine isn't the first dead friend to show up on me. North did in Kyriakos. It was just I didn't kill North...I killed his sister."
Which! Was its own complication!!!
"Maine is just a lot more intense because we were closer and...prolonged," he said, voice softening.
"Maine never did anything to me. It was the Meta and Sigma, it was never him. Hell, out of everyone, Maine was the only one who never chose to leave me behind." Because that choice was taken away. "For all that happened, I still care about him, a lot."
"And...there is the chance to change his fate here. Either making sure he doesn't go back to his timeline and doing a jump or a bunch of other things. He doesn't have to go back to that."
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[But there is no way to tell Maine that without making it far more damaging than it had to be (like Maine wasn't a broken mess, feral and out of control, like either Maine turned on Wash, or Wash turned on him instead of circumstances out of their control), or telling Maine generally what he did and the implications of he'd kill Wash would be enough to paint a terrible picture.]
[When someone tried so hard to protect, the worst thing to find out is you were the monster in the darkness.]
...are you all right?
I know you won't push and I....I can't let you change my mind on this. Not this.
But its still...
I can see it still being...
[He waves a hand in the air.]
Knowing I could do something like that, if nothing else.
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Me? [ He opens his mouth to answer... then closes it. ]
[ He thinks for a second, checking in with himself, because he doesn't want to be patronizing or give an untrue answer in the name of making Wash feel better. ]
Mostly. It's not my favorite set of memories that we're drawing parallels to. But you need something, even if I'm not sure what that is yet, so that's where my head is. I might feel differently later, I couldn't tell you, but right at this moment that's where I come down.
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I... [His heart is still racing, still anxious.] I know how much it hurt you, and how much trust matters to you, and its...
Its one of the worst things I've done. Of my own volition. [Most things, there was some level of ignorance or mind control or fucked up stakes that made for desperate decisions. And this one...well, okay, it was still a desperate situation.]
[But it was the last domino in a line of things instead of some on high power fucking with him. There was time to get off the train far earlier before it crashed.]
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[ There's a short pause before Macaque softly adds: ] I trust you. Hearing about this terrible thing that you did hasn't changed that.
[ He very badly wants to sweep Wash into a crushing hug, but he stays where he is: not touching, but well within reach to lay on or yank into an embrace. Options are good. ]
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[Touching. Touching is a thing. There is a part of him that wants to reach out. Another part is buzzing so loud. Its a lot of feelings that he's trying to sort through, especially when he had essentially jammed the gears of his own switching.]
[He doesn't even know whose in charge right now.]
You don't need to protect me from him. So you know. I appreciate you want to. But Maine was never a threat to me.
Honestly, he's probably the reason why I survived some of the Meta encounters I did. About the only reason I can think of for the Meta leaving me the healing unit. Whatever was left in there refused to take it.
As long as he doesn't somehow end up with Sigma, he'd take a thousand bullets if it meant keeping Carolina and me safe.
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"Good to know. I'll apologize and tell him it's a reflex slash bad habit, which is true enough." Macaque would like to be in good terms with the people that Wash cares about.
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He huffed. "You can guess who encouraged using a live grenade during a training session."
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Macaque manages a little smile. "I can imagine."
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Finally he moves a hand up. Back of his hand on the blankets, fingers making a gimme motion.
"If he does spar you, try to not be too harsh in the reality check. He's used to very little being able to match him for pure strength," he said. "Him and Carolina are going to need to learn how many more big fishes are in this pond, but its gonna leave them shook either way. If I'm lucky, I might get the idea through to Carolina without having to have a big fish fight her."
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Then a little grin. "I'll only beat his ass a little, but i can't promise to make it look hard."
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"I tried to tell him to not bother holding back. I don't think he believed me," he said. "So probably for the best. He'll probably want a rematch when he realizes I wasn't kidding. Or thinking I have rose colored glasses about my boyfriend. One of those."
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"He'll believe it all eventually. Reality happens whether he's ready or not. Besides, he strikes me as someone who doesn't mind a challenge once he has his footing." All Wash's colleagues have so far.
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"Hm, it's between that and the goalpost that is a concern. He's not the most graceful loser if he doesn't expect it as a possibility," he said. Carolina? Sure. But there was a reason he was willing to use the grenade against Tex.
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"All right, I'll be nice. At least until he has his feet under him." But Macaque isn't going to throw a fight, so.
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"...You were good to me first, and you still are." A little squeeze.
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A pause. "I'm glad you lean on me when things are hard. Even if it's not always pretty. Makes me feel like I'm able to repay what you've done for me."
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"Mac, you do plenty for me," Wash said, turning his head to look at Macaque. "I told Maine you make me feel safe. I said that because Maine understands what that means. And that was for a me who was a lot less hurt. Safety is a hell of a thing for those who were stuck in a genocidal war."
"Hell, I only got through that interaction because I knew you were listening. It makes it a lot easier to strangle all my fear and survival instincts when I know worst came to worst, I could count on you. I could take the risks I did because you would be there if it had blown up in my face."
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Well. Emotional support stuff. Things that Macaque constantly feels like he's flailing about and fucking up. Hell, there's plenty of objective evidence that he fucks them up.
But not with Wash, apparently. Macaque manages to shut his defense mechanisms up long enough to actually listen. And he can't argue with Wash's own perception of his experience, he can't. Not to Wash, not now. Even if he has no fucking clue how he achieved any of that.
Macaque breathes in, then out, feeling warmed from the inside in a way he hasn't felt so often in his life.
"You can always count on me when you need me." He can't and won't promise to do it perfectly, or hell even get it right most of the time, but that he can absolutely promise. He'll try, and he gets the feeling that most of the time, that would be enough. He's honestly equally grateful for that as he is for Wash's actual words.
He reaches up to run his fingers through Wash's hair before he can help himself. Grooming instinct kicks up when he's feeling this way. (If it's too much, he stops instantly.)
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Who also knows what its like to be stabbed in the back and clearly hates it.
And when you're used to feeling unsafe, because people stab you in the back, because they aren't strong enough to help you, because they DIE, having someone who isn't any of that counters a lot of Wash's lowkey anxiety with most people.
Plus all the other stuff, like how hard Macaque tries, how patient he can be, how he's willing to wait, but also act when he needs to.
Wash is pretty sure Macaque would rather gouge out his other eye then not be there for Wash and that does a lot.
"I know," he said. He sighs and closes his eyes, letting Macaque groom. Its helping balance him a little. He still needs to sort out the stuck gears. "Sometimes people don't need the acts of service to be assured," he said softly. "Knowing you're in my corner, and in Choco's corner, that does way more than most anything else. People being there makes a world of difference. I was only recognizable as a person to Maine because of people like you who chose to be in my corner after a long time of me not having people."
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He still thinks Wash deserves at least some credit for how well this works, though. Wash explains things in a way that he can understand, that makes sense to him, that makes it easy to listen. Like in this conversation, if there's a disagreement about what to do at least Macaque feels heard and understood, and that's enough to get him to do the same in return.
He wishes it translated so well to the rest of his relationships. (Things are improving but still have a ways to go.)
Macaque keeps grooming as long as Wash seems to like it. Or at least tolerate it.
"I believe you." Which is a small fucking miracle. "I can't explain why, but it's easy with you. And with Choco. So... you make me feel safe too. And you probably know what a big deal that is for me, as well."
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He is hard pressed to think of anyone he's close to who is truly normal.
"I'm glad I can give you that. Someone who makes sense. It can help to have a port even if things are rough with others who are important in your life," he said. It was kind of why having a support NETWORK was important. If things were rough with one person, another could help.
Like when Donut helped him when he was on the rocks with Carolina.
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This conversation is surreal. It's not like Macaque has nowhere else that feels easy -- Lucifer and Red Son spring to mind -- it's more that they don't really explain it like this.
Much as he'd like to hear more of it, he wants to help Wash more than he wants to hear compliments. And Wash seems more relaxed now.
"So what's the plan with Maine?" he asks as he keeps on with his grooming. They established that Wash isn't going to tell him the bad news, so...?
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Which! Was its own complication!!!
"Maine is just a lot more intense because we were closer and...prolonged," he said, voice softening.
"Maine never did anything to me. It was the Meta and Sigma, it was never him. Hell, out of everyone, Maine was the only one who never chose to leave me behind." Because that choice was taken away. "For all that happened, I still care about him, a lot."
"And...there is the chance to change his fate here. Either making sure he doesn't go back to his timeline and doing a jump or a bunch of other things. He doesn't have to go back to that."
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