Look kid, I've lied enough in my time to know that it never ends well. She'll find out somehow and be more upset that your didn't tell her than if you were upfront.
She seemed pretty nice, i can't imagine she'd reject you for being honest.
I've never had to try and have self control around them in any meaningful way.
It was always just kneejerk thing.
They're
If you asked me to choose Zelda or Phi to save from a permanent death, I would save Zelda and I wouldn't hesitate. I'd hate that I failed Phi. But I still wouldn't hesitate.
That's how deep the everything goes when it concerns them.
All you're talking about is yourself. How can you claim to care about someone when you're being cruel to them? You can call it lying by omission or whatever and claim it's all technicalities, but what you would sacrifice to save her doesn't mean much if you're not going to treat her with respect.
[Somewhere, there is a bit of an unhinged laughter.]
I'm not saying its about care. Care is simple. Care has a logic to it to BE care. There is a certain level of I guess altruism? to care.
I care about Phi. I can follow the logic there. I can recognize my violent overprotectiveness upsets her and I will lose her if I don't calm down about it. And that is enough to force myself to calm down about it.
I have literally just met this princess and everything in me is screaming to hoard her away. Keep her from all those terrible responsibilities and the dangers and keep her all to myself. I want to lock her in a damn tower.
It is literally only because my Zelda, my actual princess believed I could be better I am forcing myself to recognize that is an awful way to go about things and will mean I won't ever have her look at me in the way I want.
This isn't about care. This is about the fact I am a fucked up shadow creature who only has negative emotions that actually work right and want to both be owned and possess two specific people and all iterations of their soul because of some instinctive imperative to be as close as possible.
It would frankly be irresponsible of me to not assume the absolute worst of myself if any interaction with her went south. Because all of my history supports me not doing well.
So.
I need a lot of coping mechanisms and plans so I don't try to murder her in a bloodlust like I tried to do my actual owner several times when he rejected me and I was braced for it.
Because I have been in these places long enough to know the truth will come out eventually.
I just don't want to raze the earth around her when it does.
There is a reason I like having an owner. I know how it sounds to most people. Massacre, I think, was a living weapon, and Gio was a guard dog, both of whom liked their positions, and they were very formative for me in the Forest as an amnesiac because they were the ones who made the most sense. I am an extremely fucked up creature. Thankfully I am fairly cognizant when my emotions aren't in control. I can recognize things.
And probably have you on standby to yank me across Ellipsa until I rip through enough monsters to cool down the anger.
I don't know when that will be.
I usually had to be terribly injured to cool down the other times.
And you get how her seeing herself as an acceptable sacrifice and collateral isn't a good thing either.
Somewhere between her wanting me to be a good boy and me wanting her to not tolerate being treated as such, there is a middle ground. But it's also a middle ground that takes work. Her wanting me to be good and me wanting her to value herself more won't happen overnight. Just like she's taken time to improve, and I hope you have realized it's taken her time to improve. it's taking me time.
Thus my continued attempts at betterment, and helping others with my situation, but less self actualization.
But pretending princess will be a normal situation is like pretending the light has nothing to do with shadows existing. Sure. You can make it sound like a thing, but it's a lie.
Better I acknowledge the problem and work on solutions instead of what? Telling myself I'm going to fully develop half the emotions of a person and have them be healthy and functional overnight? That all these partially working feelings are definitely enough to overwhelm cosmic bonds and base instincts of my being? That despite all precedent and lack of stress testing rejection, this time I will be totally reasonable and accepting?
This is me trying to minimize hurt for everyone else.
One day, I'm going to have to take the hurt. I don't know if she will give me the small benefit of a doubt my Zelda gave me and frankly I don't deserve it anyway.
I can make sure when I hurt her, she isn't alone and scared in a new place without anything familiar and hopefully have someone help her spark her light magic so she doesn't think I lied about that instead of potentially absolutely ruining her right away without anyone to turn to.
Talking to Lott is like talking to Cole, he wants to bang his head against the wall.
I'm not saying that you're going to be better overnight, kid. I'm also not saying don't work toward whatever sense of being okay will let you be truthful with this princess. Obviously yes, do that.
Everything you're saying about your situation is obviously the truth. It's also going to sound like excuses if it comes out to her like this. My point here is that the way you're sounding right now has to be one of the things you plan to work on. Because over-explaining all the varied reasons why you did something wrong isn't an apology.
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Re: When Zelda arrived
Look kid, I've lied enough in my time to know that it never ends well. She'll find out somehow and be more upset that your didn't tell her than if you were upfront.
She seemed pretty nice, i can't imagine she'd reject you for being honest.
Re: When Zelda arrived
She's nice.
She's also been pushing herself to the breaking point for her duty.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Even when I was going into things knowing we'd be enemies, any form of rejection was maddening.
I have no idea what I'd do if I was rejected while I had hope.
[He frankly doesn't trust himself.]
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Trust me.
I tried.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Uuuuuugh.
How good is Lucifer's hotel place?
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'm pretty biased, but I've seen two people there and they are both quite good.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I can't say I wouldn't try.
I've never had to try and have self control around them in any meaningful way.
It was always just kneejerk thing.
They're
If you asked me to choose Zelda or Phi to save from a permanent death, I would save Zelda and I wouldn't hesitate.
I'd hate that I failed Phi.
But I still wouldn't hesitate.
That's how deep the everything goes when it concerns them.
Re: When Zelda arrived
All you're talking about is yourself. How can you claim to care about someone when you're being cruel to them? You can call it lying by omission or whatever and claim it's all technicalities, but what you would sacrifice to save her doesn't mean much if you're not going to treat her with respect.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'm not saying its about care.
Care is simple.
Care has a logic to it to BE care.
There is a certain level of I guess altruism? to care.
I care about Phi.
I can follow the logic there.
I can recognize my violent overprotectiveness upsets her and I will lose her if I don't calm down about it.
And that is enough to force myself to calm down about it.
I have literally just met this princess and everything in me is screaming to hoard her away.
Keep her from all those terrible responsibilities and the dangers and keep her all to myself.
I want to lock her in a damn tower.
It is literally only because my Zelda, my actual princess believed I could be better I am forcing myself to recognize that is an awful way to go about things and will mean I won't ever have her look at me in the way I want.
This isn't about care.
This is about the fact I am a fucked up shadow creature who only has negative emotions that actually work right and want to both be owned and possess two specific people and all iterations of their soul because of some instinctive imperative to be as close as possible.
It would frankly be irresponsible of me to not assume the absolute worst of myself if any interaction with her went south.
Because all of my history supports me not doing well.
So.
I need a lot of coping mechanisms and plans so I don't try to murder her in a bloodlust like I tried to do my actual owner several times when he rejected me and I was braced for it.
Because I have been in these places long enough to know the truth will come out eventually.
I just don't want to raze the earth around her when it does.
Re: When Zelda arrived
So the plan is to get therapy and then tell her the truth and hope she doesn't take all the lying too badly?
Re: When Zelda arrived
There is a reason I like having an owner.
I know how it sounds to most people.
Massacre, I think, was a living weapon, and Gio was a guard dog, both of whom liked their positions, and they were very formative for me in the Forest as an amnesiac because they were the ones who made the most sense.
I am an extremely fucked up creature.
Thankfully I am fairly cognizant when my emotions aren't in control.
I can recognize things.
And probably have you on standby to yank me across Ellipsa until I rip through enough monsters to cool down the anger.
I don't know when that will be.
I usually had to be terribly injured to cool down the other times.
Or died.
One of those.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
[He does know telling her will be better than her finding out.]
[So he can hope the timing works out.]
But I have had Larkspur do that in the past. That whole prone to violence thing.
Re: When Zelda arrived
If that's the way you want to do it.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I was also an amnesiac, so I was less aware of what societal norms were 'cause all I learned was like reading a book than a baked in experience.
I just wouldn't blame ya, I guess.
I was mostly meaning whenever this confrontation happens with Zelda 'cause that could turn explosive for sure and I'd rather...not.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'll help you if need be, don't worry. It's what Choco would want.
Re: When Zelda arrived
And used to me kinda going off the rails when it comes to...
I don't know if I'd want to define what I did with Larkspur care. It was care.
Belonging? That might be more apt.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Somewhere between her wanting me to be a good boy and me wanting her to not tolerate being treated as such, there is a middle ground. But it's also a middle ground that takes work. Her wanting me to be good and me wanting her to value herself more won't happen overnight. Just like she's taken time to improve, and I hope you have realized it's taken her time to improve. it's taking me time.
Thus my continued attempts at betterment, and helping others with my situation, but less self actualization.
But pretending princess will be a normal situation is like pretending the light has nothing to do with shadows existing. Sure. You can make it sound like a thing, but it's a lie.
Better I acknowledge the problem and work on solutions instead of what? Telling myself I'm going to fully develop half the emotions of a person and have them be healthy and functional overnight? That all these partially working feelings are definitely enough to overwhelm cosmic bonds and base instincts of my being? That despite all precedent and lack of stress testing rejection, this time I will be totally reasonable and accepting?
This is me trying to minimize hurt for everyone else.
One day, I'm going to have to take the hurt. I don't know if she will give me the small benefit of a doubt my Zelda gave me and frankly I don't deserve it anyway.
I can make sure when I hurt her, she isn't alone and scared in a new place without anything familiar and hopefully have someone help her spark her light magic so she doesn't think I lied about that instead of potentially absolutely ruining her right away without anyone to turn to.
And that's without going psycho.
Re: When Zelda arrived
I'm not saying that you're going to be better overnight, kid. I'm also not saying don't work toward whatever sense of being okay will let you be truthful with this princess. Obviously yes, do that.
Everything you're saying about your situation is obviously the truth. It's also going to sound like excuses if it comes out to her like this. My point here is that the way you're sounding right now has to be one of the things you plan to work on. Because over-explaining all the varied reasons why you did something wrong isn't an apology.
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived
Re: When Zelda arrived