castaside | Seasons Inbox

That shiver is nice. The leg around him more so. Macaque can't help but think of a future time when they can give in as they'd like to. He can't wait for Lucifer to absolutely destroy him, and his face flushes a bit just considering it. He'd like to say he's in no rush, but...

Nevermind, it's not a big deal. Certainly nowhere as big as a promise to Charlie.

Somehow that makes him think of what happened over the last several days, and Macaque eases the kiss off a bit before pulling just slightly away, leaning against Lucifer.

"Sorry, I'm still a bit off now and then. It comes and goes. It's been a rough week, and I feel like there's been more of those than not in the last year."

Lucifer also cannot wait until he can destroy Macaque. Oh the joy they will have together. Right now, this moment is still amazing. Them together, touching, close, kissing, and he can be here for Macaque. He lets the kiss ends and he listens. He nods and stays close, petting Macaque's hair.

"Don't be sorry. You're going through quite a lot right now. And it makes sense. More than enough sense. It does sound like it. Do you want to talk about any of the other things? Or anything at all. I can listen for you. I'd be glad to. Anything you need right now."

Macaque purrs at the quasi-grooming. "You should have seen me before Wash got hold of me. I practically told him to go away." It was very much a struggle, that first bit.

He sighs lightly. "I don't know what to say. I knew that MK would forgive me, but part of me didn't want him to. He deserves so much better than to have one of his clones try to take over, especially considering how hard he fought for them." He snuggles closer. "I think I just need you."

The claws keep petting and keeps the quasi-grooming going.

"I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. May I ask you something? Did you not want to be forgiven because of the guilt? Or were you more hoping you would have to earn it? So you could help soothe your guilt along with his anger?"

Macaque considers that while taking in the quasi-grooming. It's a pleasant way to think about unpleasant things.

"I do want to be forgiven, but I would feel better if it were acknowledged that I contributed to what could have been a disaster, rather than being forgiven carte blanche. At least then I'd know that we talked about the problem instead of having to wonder if the forgiveness I'm being offered is masking any resentment about it."

The quasi-grooming slowly evolves into real grooming.

"I'm going to guess you didn't bring that up to him yet. Since you're saying it like that," Lucifer said as he kept grooming.

"Even I know it's one of those things that the sooner you talk to him about it is better. Especially with something that big. But you shouldn't force yourself either. You should make sure to be ready before tackling that. And if there is anything any of us can do to help you get ready, we're here for you."

"I haven't seen him yet. I'm trying to get some thoughts in order first, or there's a very real risk of me getting my 'run away from my problems' instinct activated."

Macaque burrows against Lucifer all the more. "Being with you quiets my mind, which is what I need. I'm processing it as fast as I can. I don't want to keep him waiting. Or them, I guess, since Cole and Wukong and Red are also relevant here. But I did tell him in there, or a statue of him, that I needed time and it wasn't about him, so I'm hoping that helps."

"I'm here for you. As long as you need to process. And I will help anyway I can," Lucifer said with a smile. The grooming kept going.

"Just something to try and think about when your mind is quiet. And you told him. I am sure he'll understand. He loves you and you love him. You both went through something awful. I'm sure he needs time like you do. To just be. Himself again, finally."

"I know." He draws a slow breath. Just trying to center himself. "Wash helped me with it too. More or less. We kept getting distracted, much like I could with you." It's tempting to just lose himself in his partners and focus on other things, like getting wrecked.

Which did help clear his head in all fairness.

"I don't want him to think I abandoned him. But I also need to be ready to talk about the Candid thing when I see him -- them -- and I'm not. I'm still more or less letting the guilt drive."

Lucifer nodded. They could get lose in each other but Lucifer is sure that wouldn't be a good idea. Not for Macaque and not in the long run. Especially now if Wash helped do that. Distractions could be good but Luci wanted to help Macaque sort these thoughts first.

"Are you going to ask to talk to them both at the same time or one then the other?" Ask about Macaque's plan first. Figure out what he has figured out then help him find out more. Give constructive criticism and help keep him calm and help with the guilt. Lucifer hopes he can do this.

Probably not a good idea no, but these things happen.

"I'll talk to MK first. He deserves that. And he'll probably forgive me immediately and I'm trying to decide whether to argue with him about that. And then I'll see Red, probably. He already texted me saying he wanted to. Wukong and Cole are harder. They both rely very heavily on MK. He's the center of their worlds... he is Red's too, but Red has less tendency to be a hermit so it's not the same. Anyway, I assume they're both going to be furious and I can't blame them. This is like my umpteenth fuckup with MK."

No, probably not. Lucifer snuggles closer and pets just behind those ears.

"Now, that sounds like a good list of priorities. But a word of advice? You may not believe it but try to remember me saying this. I doubt, very much, that Wukong or Cole are going to be furious. I have a feeling you may be surprised by their reactions. But at the same time, try to keep an open mind and don't try to force the reaction you feel you deserve. Don't let your subconscious do that to you. Be prepared for the worst but leave yourself open to surprise of it going better than you think. Okay?"

Macaque lets out a slow breath.

"Those are the reactions I deserve, I can't deny it. And when people aren't mad when I think they should be it feels like they're burying things that need to be aired out. I spent a long time doing that in the past and I don't want any part of it again."

Lucifer kisses Macaque's cheek.

"There are other things besides anger they might be feeling. Sadness. Worry. Confusion. They might be those things too. Not just angry. Just try to remember that. I believe in you and I believe in them. Go when you're ready to rip the bandage off. Until then, stay in my arms and let me hold you. Because right now, I love you and I want to shower you with love."

"I'll try to remember. For now, I could very much use being showered in your love specifically."

He burrows into Lucifer's shoulder. This monkey is so stressed.

"I can do that," Lucifer said softly and gently kissed Macaque's head. He holds him close and tight. Three of his wings appear and gently drape over the monkey as music starts to play. The song is soft as Lucifer starts to sing.

"You've already done so much.
So many lives you've changed.
So many souls you've touched~

And in the end,
if it's only me you've saved,
There's something that I've been dying to saaaay~

More than Anything~
More than Anything~

Need you to know I love you
More than anything~
More than anything~"

There's definitely comfort in being draped in Lucifer's wings and surrounded by his song. Macaque can't relax all the way yet, but he gets as close as is possible right now.

His arms tighten around Lucifer as he listens. Trying but failing to stop his eyes from welling with tears born of many things both good and bad.

He doesn't say anything for now, only clings to Lucifer and tries not to argue with himself over whether he deserves this.

Lucifer runs his claws through Macaque's hair and kisses his forehead again after the song ends.

"I sang another version of that to Charlie when we reconnected. I hope you don't mind a reprise," His hand slides down to gently brush the welling tears away with his thumb.

"I've got you, love. I've got you. And I am not letting you go. Your mate is here. I'm here. And I love you."

"Reprisals are great," Macaque murmurs as Lucifer wipes his budding tears. Between after his heart game and after Donnie rightly talked him into opening up to save MK, he's never cried more in his life than the past six months.

"Love you too," is all he can manage to say for a long moment. But he pulls Lucifer against him and purrs despite his almost-crying, so hopefully that says enough.

"Thank you. You're wonderful. I can't think of a better place to work this shit out than in bed, in your arms. Or the same with Wash, I guess I should say."

"By the way, he told me you asked him out." Look, he dearly needs a change of subject.

"I'm glad," Lucifer said to the soft murmur about reprisals. He keeps holding the monkey and listens to his sounds and the softness of those purrs. He smiles at the praise. Then the change of subject comes up and he blinks.

"Ah. Yes. Well he offered me a date and I accepted, which is semantics. I did admit to him first I find him attractive. He's trashy in other ways and men taller than me is something I enjoy. We're just seeing how things go. Given his demisexual status and I'm still very very new to dating really. We'll see where it goes. I will admit, I haven't fallen for him like I have you, love. If that, at all, is any worry in your mind or your heart. You came into my life, ready to threaten me, and then we fell in love in the same day.

"He threatened to shoot me in the dick if I ever become a bad father. Which, though hot in its own way, didn't make me quite swoon."

"Of course you find him attractive, he's a catch. That's why he and I are a thing." A thing in some form. "Not an official couple but in what he calls a romantic entanglement, which I'm not quite sure what it means but he calls me his sometimes, so. And anyone can see that I'm very smitten with him."

"It was a worry, at first. I don't have a problem with jealousy, but I do have a problem comparing myself unfavorably to my partners' other partners. And knowing how much I adore you both left me a bit freaked out that you'd have no use for me anymore. Wash successfully romanced me out of worrying from his end, and I have full faith in you doing the same from yours..."

"I might need reminders from time to time. Or even often if it's a challenging time. I'm trying to let go of this worry but it's been with me a long time."

He kisses Lucifer's cheek. "I think I'm okay if you do fall for him eventually. If I seem distant about it, now you know why. A little reassurance should fix things right up."

Lucifer's heart aches for Macaque when he hears him talk about that worry. The comparing and always falling short in his own mind. He smiles softly and cups both of Macaque's cheeks after he receives the monkey's kiss.

"You are adorable when you are smitten. And if he can pull that out of you, then I am so very happy. Let me give this a try. You, Macaque, have nothing to worry about. No use for you? Oh. I will always have use for you. Where else will I pour my love for you? Where else can I see you dazzle if not by your side? In your arms? Dancing with you? I love you, Six Eared Macaque. You have stolen my heart with your charms and your smiles and your trashy flaws and gloriously soft fur. Not to mention your dazzling love for the stage, for its craft, and your amazing singing voice. And I know, the more we spend time together, the more parts of you I will love. Until I love the whole of you. When you show me everything, let me hear it all, feel it all, and taste it all. I will adore you until the end of creation. I will miss you when you aren't in my arms, long for you whenever I see you, and think beautiful and dirty things about you in my bed. You captivate me in every way."

Lucifer kisses Macaque, pouring the love behind those words into the kiss. He rolls them over so he lays on top of the monkey man. Slowly he breaks the kiss, leaving their lips touching.

"So. How did I do?"

Macaque's face colors just a hint as he listens to Lucifer's words, unable to contain his smile. It's everything that he needed to hear. And topped off with a kiss and Lucifer sliding on top of him, it all just warms him from the inside.

He goes right back to smiling as soon as the kiss breaks. "Marvelously. I feel reassured, and I feel desperately in love with you."

"And if you ever need such reassurance from me, I'll offer it only too happily. I want you to know that your place in my life is an important and precious one. I want you to get to know my children and my other mates. I want you by my side in times of celebration and struggle. It's okay if you doubt any of that, but I want to know about those feelings so I can tell you everything that I love about you and make you smile again."

Lucifer smiles wide and triumphantly when he sees that smile. His heart races as he nods. Then come the words back at him and his smile stays on and only slightly changes shape. His eyes grow wide and a little watery. He digs his claws into those shoulders just a little to keep hanging on.

"Oh. Wow. I know I will need that sometimes. Right now I'm in that happy honeymoon phase but I know myself. I'll get worried I'm failing somewhere or not being enough. Or the depression will hit and I'll stay in my bed for days and not even look at my phone. If you ever reach out, and I don't respond, that's probably it. Feel free to portal to me and come out of a shadow or my shadow. I'll definitely need you to help pull me back. And I know you will."

Macaque moans softly at the claws in his shoulders as his own hands move to cup Lucifer's face, thumbs brushing over his red cheeks.

"It's okay if you do. I'll come and stay with you for as long as you need. I'll just hold you and talk to you and tell you that I love you no matter what. You don't have to be perfect for me to adore you. I love who you are, and part of that is that sometimes you stay in bed for days. I'll be there before, during, and after."

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