"Want to, not really. Only because the very idea gnaws at me. Should I, probably. So we can try it. No promises that I won't get stupid about the concept of you getting seriously hurt or killed."
[ Wordlessly lets BOSS know that target practice is on hold via her fancy (but blessedly inconspicuous, thank you Donnie) HUD glasses. ]
'Kay. [ She offers him a hand. ] We can stop or take a break if we need to. And if moving or doing other stuff while we're talking helps, that's fine too. [ He should know that already, not least because he's spent plenty of time around her and Donnie and Wash. Just in case he needs the reminder, though. Or permission. ]
I'm not gonna get mad, run away, or think any less of you for feeling your feelings. [ Challenge, sure, if it's warranted, and she can and will call him out if he acts like a dick. But he's not going to scare her off. ] That's a general rule, but ... when it comes to things like this especially. It's too important. Too raw.
"I know you wouldn't think less of me." The tip of his tail starts twitching, a nervous habit. "It's more that speaking my fears might trigger you. I don't want to hurt you just to get things off my chest."
I can understand why you're worried. [ She's got a lot of trauma, a lot of triggers, and he's seen first-hand they can hit; how quickly she can get dragged under. ]
If it helps ... I think I know some of what to expect, and I feel calm, safe, and ready. It might be uncomfortable sometimes but I doubt I'll fall or spiral. [ She gives his hand a squeeze ] 'Uncomfortable' in the sore but healing, helping more than hurting, constructive kind of way? ... And, for me at least, there's an element of —
You know how Donnie takes comfort in planning and setting up contingencies?
That's okay. [ She could argue that he wouldn't be the one hurting her. A younger Korone probably would try to argue that she doesn't mind the pain; that it's okay, worth it. Hardly the biggest sacrifice she's made. She's suffered worse for worse reasons! It's fine!
It isn't fine and it clearly wouldn't be worth it. ]
If it gets to be too much, say the word and we can stop. I'll let you know if I need to. Promise. [ Promises were a Big Damn Deal to her years before she got saddled with the taboos. ]
[ She smiles a little. ] Yup. … There's differences, obviously - [ particular traumas, coping mechanisms, the obsessions and compulsions Donnie wrestles with - ] but we've got some things in common. One of my long-standing habits is making contingency plans for possessions, violent status effects, and other associated bullshit, tailored to individuals, with conditional branching for various circumstances and tolerance for curveballs. It's weirdly comforting. And it helps me process some of the Big Yikes stuff I've been through, so talking about it feels ... easier.
He relaxes noticeably when she promises. He knows those are important to her, so he believes it. He also knows that she wouldn't want to -- in her view -- hurt him by hurting herself.
"Makes sense. Things have slightly less teeth if you have a plan for them."
[ Seeing him relax, she smiles and bumps companionably into his side. Hi. ]
Mmhm. Knowledge is power! And for the stuff I can't plan for … [ Tugs lightly on his hand, guiding him over to sit by the gym's branch of the lazy river ] … it still helps, 'cuz it encourages me to think critically — constructively — about my strengths and weaknesses.
Which means I can say stuff like … "Staying alive is a valid and important strategy, and there have been and will be situations where getting out and getting help is the best, most helpful thing I can do" and actually mean it! Without being mean to myself!
Thanks, Dad. Having you in my life is one of the big reasons I've been able to come so far.
[ She dips her legs into the lazy river, watching the water ripple and swirl around her shadow-clad calves. ]
I know you worry, that you get scared for me. It's part of loving someone. ... And there's been plenty of nightmare fuel on top. [ Like the worst kind of sprinkles. ] So I wanna hear what's on your mind. Maybe between us, we can help you breath a little easier?
[ Perhaps notably, she isn't angling to try to make him Not Worry. ]
"I'm happy about that, babygirl." He truly is. Why is he even in her life if not to make it a little better?
"I'm not sure if it'll make be breathe easier, but at the very least I want to be honest with you if that's what you want." Hopefully this won't cause her to dissociate or anything.
"I have a lot of fears about you vanishing from this place. Also another situation like the jar or the glamour monsters. About me not being able to be where you need me."
[ Korone would love her Papaque very much even if he was a walking trashfire disaster man salting the earth with gleeful dead inside abandon. ]
Mm, that's fair. As long as I don't make anything worse? [ She wouldn't on purpose, whether by putting her foot in her mouth while they're talking or carelessness in action. ] … But we already talked about stopping if we've gotta and I trust — and appreciate — how hard you always try to be honest with me, so. [ Let's do this. ]
[ Fears about her vanishing. That gives Korone a pause. Not because it's unexpected, or unreasonable, or because she hasn't had countless nightmares along those very same lines; it just happened so often, back in those other places ... She turns the thought over in her mind and nods slowly. ]
It really truly, deeply sucks to not be able to reach someone you care about. And the whole thing with the jar must've been ... [ She trails off, glancing up at him. ]
"It was worse for you. That thing on your face and neck and not being able to do anything." Since she's more comfortable when she can fidget and interact with the world. Grounding, probably.
"That's part of why I feel like a shit for complaining."
[ Months upon months of working to come to terms with what happened means she can think about the that fucking thing without immediately wanting to do something drastic.
… She does, however, indulge in Making A Face. ]
I'm not saying it wasn't awful for me. Or trying to ... [ Kicks her heels back against the riverwall, brows furrowing ] to make it not about me? Like you guys had it worse, or that you being hurt by it all was somehow my fault.
... I know it wasn't, for the record. [ Just! In case! He was worried about that. Yes she's had her guilty feelings, she has had many guilty feelings and other feelings in so many directions, but that's what processing and therapy and a sprinkle of hard-won emotional maturity is for. ]
I just ... from my perspective, it really doesn't feel like you'd be taking anything from me by talking about how it affected you. I get that you probably don't see it that way though. S'one of the reasons I haven't been kicking anyone's door down about it.
"Good." That she doesn't blame herself for them being hurt. Or think that they had it worse.
"I think it's probably typical parental worry, magnified by traumatic situations. I worried about you. I paced and fretted, I tried all kinds of magic until I was exhausted and had to hand things over to the research center. And when I saw you in that thing--" meaning the muzzle, "I was horrified. I was guilty for not being able to get you out sooner. I wanted to panic. But I couldn't, because you needed me. After you had your time with me and were settled back in the house, I went into my room and had what I think was a panic attack." Which he knows about from his mental health reading. "Which was unfun. I felt like I'd failed you. Failed as your parent. Not rational feelings I know, but that's the truth."
[ Gods above, below, and anywhere and everywhere between and around, she aches for him. It's hard to hear but important to listen. And listen she does, quietly … though she can't help a quietly empathetic, ] Ughhh, panic attacks. Definitely unfun. [ They deeply suck. Zero stars, would not recommend. Anyway - ]
We feel how we feel, regardless of how rational those feelings are. I mean … knowing something logically is one thing? Working through and internalising it is something else.
[ She rubs the side of her neck. The touch lingers, though it's more thoughtful than anything. ] For my part, if I can be even a fraction as good a parent to my children as you are to me, I'll be heading in the right direction. … I'm not saying that to try to talk you out of your feelings, it's just — important to me. And I want you to know. [ She's said it before. She will say it again. ]
"Even in my panic, I was confident that you'd be okay eventually. You're resilient beyond anyone I've ever known." He hates that she's had to be, but she is. It's a part of her.
"I'm glad that you think I'm doing okay at this parenting thing. It's the most important thing I've ever done. I just want to do the best I can for you and Donnie."
[ resilient beyond anyone he's ever known. that's — she knows he believes in her, she knows that, and she knows he trusts her, but hearing it like this hits hard.
hopefully he's ready for a hug because that's exactly what he's getting, awkward positioning be damned. ]
You're doing more than okay. Way, way more. You're always trying for us and it shows — it shines, Dad. You shine.
"I do think you're." He thinks she's everything, but strong and resilient especially. He's so proud of his babygirl.
He gets his arms open for her just in time, and gives her a squeeze at precisely her preferred tightness.
"I'm so glad." And that's all he can really say, because his words are watery and wavering, his eyes burning. If he fails at everything else in his life he could accept it as long as he's a good father to these kids who have suffered enough.
[ She wiggles closer as best she can, which may or may not mean she's pretzeling herself halfway into his lap and also that she's hypothetically in danger of dunking herself the rest of the way into the lazy river. Oh well. The important thing is that she's hugging her dad, tucking herself under his chin with a nuzzle and a purr.
A familiar monkey tail manifests, curling around him, seeking and gently twining with his own tail. They can keep talking in a moment. Snuggles first. ]
Macaque wouldn't have considered himself all that snuggly before Ellipsa. Wukong was an exception, but he was an exception to most things. Even the first few months he was here, he kept himself carefully apart from everyone.
But the minute he adopted his kids, he started craving their snuggles like mad. It was the best way to ensure that they're safe and well and as happy as he can make them.
And now he's a champion cuddler, and he uses that to the fullest now. Making sure that Choco knows how very much she's loved.
[ Korone's younger self wasn't all that much of a cuddler; something as simple as a friendly on the shoulder was enough to get Blue flustered and squirming. Then came the Jungle, and Kyriakos — and with Kyriakos came Puma, Wash, David. Her brother. ]
[ These days she's the cuddliest cuddlebug that ever did live as long as she feels safe enough. ... Also as long as touch — even the very idea of it, on her worse days — doesn't make her want to crawl out of her own skin. Ugh. But right now she does feel safe, extremely so, and so fucking loved her heart is an endless overflowing fountain of ooey gooeyness, and there's nowhere she'd rather be than in his arms. ]
[ She even! Says a big fuck you to the midkey itchy nightmare of being partway through her spring moult! To tuck her wings around him as well. (The mess and pin feathers are, for the record, partially hidden by a glamour. A glamour which is slipping like spaghetti sauce down a window.) ]
[ It's a few minutes before she speaks again. ]
Hey … Dad? Remember when I asked you to teach me acupressure? [ Last year, during his spring shed. She'd groomed him into a snoozing puddle of purring monkey, and held him when the peaceful lul was shattered by a nightmare. ]
It's been on my mind for a while. [ She's learned a lot since then. Practiced a lot, too, delighting in spoiling Macaque rotten along the way. ] And — this might sound kinda weird? Bear with me.
Thinking about the jar, and that thing they put on me … it reminded me. Of the things I'm still working towards. Like - [ she lists out the Chinese names for various pressure points on and near the neck and around the tops of the shoulders. ]
[ And that reminded her Wash's heart and the Cursed Game, and Macaque not-so-subtly avoiding referencing the latter earlier in this very conversation. ]
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"Want to, not really. Only because the very idea gnaws at me. Should I, probably. So we can try it. No promises that I won't get stupid about the concept of you getting seriously hurt or killed."
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'Kay. [ She offers him a hand. ] We can stop or take a break if we need to. And if moving or doing other stuff while we're talking helps, that's fine too. [ He should know that already, not least because he's spent plenty of time around her and Donnie and Wash. Just in case he needs the reminder, though. Or permission. ]
I'm not gonna get mad, run away, or think any less of you for feeling your feelings. [ Challenge, sure, if it's warranted, and she can and will call him out if he acts like a dick. But he's not going to scare her off. ] That's a general rule, but ... when it comes to things like this especially. It's too important. Too raw.
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I can understand why you're worried. [ She's got a lot of trauma, a lot of triggers, and he's seen first-hand they can hit; how quickly she can get dragged under. ]
If it helps ... I think I know some of what to expect, and I feel calm, safe, and ready. It might be uncomfortable sometimes but I doubt I'll fall or spiral. [ She gives his hand a squeeze ] 'Uncomfortable' in the sore but healing, helping more than hurting, constructive kind of way? ... And, for me at least, there's an element of —
You know how Donnie takes comfort in planning and setting up contingencies?
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"I understand. But I'll still want to stop if you're having a rough time." He doesn't want to be the cause of pain for her. She has enough of those.
He nods. "Mmhmm, that boy is a planner for sure."
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It isn't fine and it clearly wouldn't be worth it. ]
If it gets to be too much, say the word and we can stop. I'll let you know if I need to. Promise. [ Promises were a Big Damn Deal to her years before she got saddled with the taboos. ]
[ She smiles a little. ] Yup. … There's differences, obviously - [ particular traumas, coping mechanisms, the obsessions and compulsions Donnie wrestles with - ] but we've got some things in common. One of my long-standing habits is making contingency plans for possessions, violent status effects, and other associated bullshit, tailored to individuals, with conditional branching for various circumstances and tolerance for curveballs. It's weirdly comforting. And it helps me process some of the Big Yikes stuff I've been through, so talking about it feels ... easier.
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"Makes sense. Things have slightly less teeth if you have a plan for them."
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Mmhm. Knowledge is power! And for the stuff I can't plan for … [ Tugs lightly on his hand, guiding him over to sit by the gym's branch of the lazy river ] … it still helps, 'cuz it encourages me to think critically — constructively — about my strengths and weaknesses.
Which means I can say stuff like … "Staying alive is a valid and important strategy, and there have been and will be situations where getting out and getting help is the best, most helpful thing I can do" and actually mean it! Without being mean to myself!
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She's doing better with her trauma than Macaque would be doing with the same ones.
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[ She dips her legs into the lazy river, watching the water ripple and swirl around her shadow-clad calves. ]
I know you worry, that you get scared for me. It's part of loving someone. ... And there's been plenty of nightmare fuel on top. [ Like the worst kind of sprinkles. ] So I wanna hear what's on your mind. Maybe between us, we can help you breath a little easier?
[ Perhaps notably, she isn't angling to try to make him Not Worry. ]
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"I'm not sure if it'll make be breathe easier, but at the very least I want to be honest with you if that's what you want." Hopefully this won't cause her to dissociate or anything.
"I have a lot of fears about you vanishing from this place. Also another situation like the jar or the glamour monsters. About me not being able to be where you need me."
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gleefuldead inside abandon. ]Mm, that's fair. As long as I don't make anything worse? [ She wouldn't on purpose, whether by putting her foot in her mouth while they're talking or carelessness in action. ] … But we already talked about stopping if we've gotta and I trust — and appreciate — how hard you always try to be honest with me, so. [ Let's do this. ]
[ Fears about her vanishing. That gives Korone a pause. Not because it's unexpected, or unreasonable, or because she hasn't had countless nightmares along those very same lines; it just happened so often, back in those other places ... She turns the thought over in her mind and nods slowly. ]
It really truly, deeply sucks to not be able to reach someone you care about. And the whole thing with the jar must've been ... [ She trails off, glancing up at him. ]
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"It was worse for you. That thing on your face and neck and not being able to do anything." Since she's more comfortable when she can fidget and interact with the world. Grounding, probably.
"That's part of why I feel like a shit for complaining."
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… She does, however, indulge in Making A Face. ]
I'm not saying it wasn't awful for me. Or trying to ... [ Kicks her heels back against the riverwall, brows furrowing ] to make it not about me? Like you guys had it worse, or that you being hurt by it all was somehow my fault.
... I know it wasn't, for the record. [ Just! In case! He was worried about that. Yes she's had her guilty feelings, she has had many guilty feelings and other feelings in so many directions, but that's what processing and therapy and a sprinkle of hard-won emotional maturity is for. ]
I just ... from my perspective, it really doesn't feel like you'd be taking anything from me by talking about how it affected you. I get that you probably don't see it that way though. S'one of the reasons I haven't been kicking anyone's door down about it.
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"I think it's probably typical parental worry, magnified by traumatic situations. I worried about you. I paced and fretted, I tried all kinds of magic until I was exhausted and had to hand things over to the research center. And when I saw you in that thing--" meaning the muzzle, "I was horrified. I was guilty for not being able to get you out sooner. I wanted to panic. But I couldn't, because you needed me. After you had your time with me and were settled back in the house, I went into my room and had what I think was a panic attack." Which he knows about from his mental health reading. "Which was unfun. I felt like I'd failed you. Failed as your parent. Not rational feelings I know, but that's the truth."
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We feel how we feel, regardless of how rational those feelings are. I mean … knowing something logically is one thing? Working through and internalising it is something else.
[ She rubs the side of her neck. The touch lingers, though it's more thoughtful than anything. ] For my part, if I can be even a fraction as good a parent to my children as you are to me, I'll be heading in the right direction. … I'm not saying that to try to talk you out of your feelings, it's just — important to me. And I want you to know. [ She's said it before. She will say it again. ]
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"I'm glad that you think I'm doing okay at this parenting thing. It's the most important thing I've ever done. I just want to do the best I can for you and Donnie."
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[ resilient beyond anyone he's ever known. that's — she knows he believes in her, she knows that, and she knows he trusts her, but hearing it like this hits hard.
hopefully he's ready for a hug because that's exactly what he's getting, awkward positioning be damned. ]
You're doing more than okay. Way, way more. You're always trying for us and it shows — it shines, Dad. You shine.
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He gets his arms open for her just in time, and gives her a squeeze at precisely her preferred tightness.
"I'm so glad." And that's all he can really say, because his words are watery and wavering, his eyes burning. If he fails at everything else in his life he could accept it as long as he's a good father to these kids who have suffered enough.
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[ She wiggles closer as best she can, which may or may not mean she's pretzeling herself halfway into his lap and also that she's hypothetically in danger of dunking herself the rest of the way into the lazy river. Oh well. The important thing is that she's hugging her dad, tucking herself under his chin with a nuzzle and a purr.
A familiar monkey tail manifests, curling around him, seeking and gently twining with his own tail. They can keep talking in a moment. Snuggles first. ]
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But the minute he adopted his kids, he started craving their snuggles like mad. It was the best way to ensure that they're safe and well and as happy as he can make them.
And now he's a champion cuddler, and he uses that to the fullest now. Making sure that Choco knows how very much she's loved.
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[ These days she's the cuddliest cuddlebug that ever did live as long as she feels safe enough. ... Also as long as touch — even the very idea of it, on her worse days — doesn't make her want to crawl out of her own skin. Ugh. But right now she does feel safe, extremely so, and so fucking loved her heart is an endless overflowing fountain of ooey gooeyness, and there's nowhere she'd rather be than in his arms. ]
[ She even! Says a big fuck you to the midkey itchy nightmare of being partway through her spring moult! To tuck her wings around him as well. (The mess and pin feathers are, for the record, partially hidden by a glamour. A glamour which is slipping like spaghetti sauce down a window.) ]
[ It's a few minutes before she speaks again. ]
Hey … Dad? Remember when I asked you to teach me acupressure? [ Last year, during his spring shed. She'd groomed him into a snoozing puddle of purring monkey, and held him when the peaceful lul was shattered by a nightmare. ]
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"I remember." He hadn't need in shape for it at the time, needing all available limbs to respond to the itchy.
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Thinking about the jar, and that thing they put on me … it reminded me. Of the things I'm still working towards. Like - [ she lists out the Chinese names for various pressure points on and near the neck and around the tops of the shoulders. ]
[ And that reminded her Wash's heart and the Cursed Game, and Macaque not-so-subtly avoiding referencing the latter earlier in this very conversation. ]
[ (… She hopes he didn't think it was subtle.) ]
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"Yeah? What about them?"
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