[ That sure puts some perspective on the bad, later points of the story. ]
Well, that could certainly be worse. [ Wash could have to kill him all over again, only to have him revive in three fucking days. ]
I'd imagine it brought up enough, though. Analogous to me and Wukong in a way. [ One party goes nuts and gets dangerous, other party has to eliminate someone they're very close to. ]
[His heart speeds up because. Yeah. Yeah, that point. He noticed that point.]
....I didn't want to. I tried...I tried to figure out a way to help. Maybe I could have done something if I wasn't so angry and done with anything else, I...I don't know. I just knew I didn't want to leave him like that if there was an option.
Maybe. [He has doubts. He's helped bring other people from the edge, but he wasn't so afraid to go all in. If he hadn't been so guarded, it could have been different.]
I still killed one of my best friends. I still made that choice.
[He peeks out at Macaque.] I still did it. [The same thing that happened to Macaque and while his heart isn't doing the sprint it was with Maine, the anxiety is real in admitting that to Macaque.]
...Yeah. [ What else can he say? Not a lot. Wash feels shitty and it's understandable and trying to talk him out of it just puts him in a position where he feels like he has to argue the point. ]
[ Macaque wants to say things that won't be helpful. How he forgave Wukong for it, and most likely Maine would forgive him if he had all the information. But it won't help and Wash's heart is galloping and all this feels terrible even for Macaque. ]
Do you think that you'll have to tell him? Or should? Or want to?
...I don't know. It's not....it's not like he was making a lot of choices. It was Sigma. For years. It would drive anyone insane.
What would telling him do, besides make him hate himself for things he couldn't control? And when he had control, it'd been after he'd been hollowed out and left in pieces.
So basically a complicated fucking mess. [ What else is new, honestly. ]
But what it might do is make you feel slightly less like you're hiding things. Would that be worth it? Only you know. But I do think that's a shitload of heavy burden for you to carry.
Yeah. But I came back from it. If Wukong had been in your position, I wouldn't want him just sitting with that on his chest.
...But I'm not telling you what to do. If you decide that it's better for you to just live with it, I'll help you through it however I can. If you decide to tell him, same deal.
[He's just saying. You did have a crash out about it.]
[Also had MK and others to help with the divorce era. And frankly a lot more cynical than Maine. Maine wasn't a social sort, but Wash knew Maine didn't have the trust issues Macaque had before meeting Wukong. If anything, things might have gone better if Maine had had trust issues.]
Not when he doesn't have support. Even if Carolina is in a place to try, Carolina and emotional issues aren't the best.
Especially when she was the first one the Meta hurt. It'd be kind of fucked up to put on her.
I'm fine with accountability, but not when it comes with telling him how many friends and allies he hurt because someone didn't respect his humanity.
All right. I won't push. [ It doesn't sit the best with him, probably because of the aforementioned Wukong thing, and because one of the reasons he was so pissed was because Wukong wasn't acknowledging it for the longest... because he didn't realize Macaque hadn't survived that fight. Being seven times immortal or whatever the fuck probably skewed Wukong's sense of what is a survivable injury. Acting like Macaque was just being a pissy baby rather than being a pissy baby because he'd been murdered was a huge trigger. ]
[To be fair, Wash is very much acknowledging that it would be real hard on Maine and if it WAS just about Wash owning up to what he did, he would be far less hesitant. Maybe still wait to make sure things between him and Carolina were stable at least (he really needed to catch up with her and see how she was doing), but if he could tell North he killed South, he'd tell Maine he killed him.]
[But there is no way to tell Maine that without making it far more damaging than it had to be (like Maine wasn't a broken mess, feral and out of control, like either Maine turned on Wash, or Wash turned on him instead of circumstances out of their control), or telling Maine generally what he did and the implications of he'd kill Wash would be enough to paint a terrible picture.]
[When someone tried so hard to protect, the worst thing to find out is you were the monster in the darkness.]
...are you all right?
I know you won't push and I....I can't let you change my mind on this. Not this.
But its still...
I can see it still being...
[He waves a hand in the air.]
Knowing I could do something like that, if nothing else.
[ Macaque snaps out of whatever reverie he was in. ]
Me? [ He opens his mouth to answer... then closes it. ]
[ He thinks for a second, checking in with himself, because he doesn't want to be patronizing or give an untrue answer in the name of making Wash feel better. ]
Mostly. It's not my favorite set of memories that we're drawing parallels to. But you need something, even if I'm not sure what that is yet, so that's where my head is. I might feel differently later, I couldn't tell you, but right at this moment that's where I come down.
I... [His heart is still racing, still anxious.] I know how much it hurt you, and how much trust matters to you, and its...
Its one of the worst things I've done. Of my own volition. [Most things, there was some level of ignorance or mind control or fucked up stakes that made for desperate decisions. And this one...well, okay, it was still a desperate situation.]
[But it was the last domino in a line of things instead of some on high power fucking with him. There was time to get off the train far earlier before it crashed.]
I will. [ That's probably all he can do. Promise that, be here, and wait. ]
[ There's a short pause before Macaque softly adds: ] I trust you. Hearing about this terrible thing that you did hasn't changed that.
[ He very badly wants to sweep Wash into a crushing hug, but he stays where he is: not touching, but well within reach to lay on or yank into an embrace. Options are good. ]
....okay. Okay, I just... [His heart takes a bit to slow down, but he trusts Macaque to not lie about this. It helps the anxiety.] I wasn't sure how you'd take it.
[Touching. Touching is a thing. There is a part of him that wants to reach out. Another part is buzzing so loud. Its a lot of feelings that he's trying to sort through, especially when he had essentially jammed the gears of his own switching.]
[He doesn't even know whose in charge right now.]
You don't need to protect me from him. So you know. I appreciate you want to. But Maine was never a threat to me.
Honestly, he's probably the reason why I survived some of the Meta encounters I did. About the only reason I can think of for the Meta leaving me the healing unit. Whatever was left in there refused to take it.
As long as he doesn't somehow end up with Sigma, he'd take a thousand bullets if it meant keeping Carolina and me safe.
Yeah, Macaque figured that things were noisy, maybe buzzy. He's not offended at the lack of touch, it's whatever helps Wash. Feeling impotent kinda sucks but he's not about to pile more shit on poor Wash about it.
"Good to know. I'll apologize and tell him it's a reflex slash bad habit, which is true enough." Macaque would like to be in good terms with the people that Wash cares about.
Wash nodded. "I mean, its not wrong to say most any agent I found did have a high chance of trying to kill me. Carolina was pretty much the only one who didn't. All the rest were either dead or at least took a few shots," he said and shrugged. "So its not an unreasonable response. He just might be feeling insecure. There was a training accident not too long ago where he did get someone hurt."
He huffed. "You can guess who encouraged using a live grenade during a training session."
Finally he moves a hand up. Back of his hand on the blankets, fingers making a gimme motion.
"If he does spar you, try to not be too harsh in the reality check. He's used to very little being able to match him for pure strength," he said. "Him and Carolina are going to need to learn how many more big fishes are in this pond, but its gonna leave them shook either way. If I'm lucky, I might get the idea through to Carolina without having to have a big fish fight her."
"I tried to tell him to not bother holding back. I don't think he believed me," he said. "So probably for the best. He'll probably want a rematch when he realizes I wasn't kidding. Or thinking I have rose colored glasses about my boyfriend. One of those."
Macaque slides over and gets his arms around Wash for a tight hug.
"He'll believe it all eventually. Reality happens whether he's ready or not. Besides, he strikes me as someone who doesn't mind a challenge once he has his footing." All Wash's colleagues have so far.
Wash doesn't lean into it. But he doesn't lean away either. His brain is still a little scrambled, he's hoping it'll pull a few eggs together.
"Hm, it's between that and the goalpost that is a concern. He's not the most graceful loser if he doesn't expect it as a possibility," he said. Carolina? Sure. But there was a reason he was willing to use the grenade against Tex.
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Well, that could certainly be worse. [ Wash could have to kill him all over again, only to have him revive in three fucking days. ]
I'd imagine it brought up enough, though. Analogous to me and Wukong in a way. [ One party goes nuts and gets dangerous, other party has to eliminate someone they're very close to. ]
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....I didn't want to. I tried...I tried to figure out a way to help. Maybe I could have done something if I wasn't so angry and done with anything else, I...I don't know. I just knew I didn't want to leave him like that if there was an option.
But then I had to make a choice. And I....
Fuck.
[He grips the blankets, breath shuddering.]
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You did the best you could at the time. [ This is making him wonder if Wukong feels this way in private and ugh. UGH. ] Small comfort, I know.
I don't know what to say. It fucking sucks. He didn't deserve to go fucking nuts and you didn't deserve to have to do that.
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I still killed one of my best friends. I still made that choice.
[He peeks out at Macaque.] I still did it. [The same thing that happened to Macaque and while his heart isn't doing the sprint it was with Maine, the anxiety is real in admitting that to Macaque.]
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[ Macaque wants to say things that won't be helpful. How he forgave Wukong for it, and most likely Maine would forgive him if he had all the information. But it won't help and Wash's heart is galloping and all this feels terrible even for Macaque. ]
Do you think that you'll have to tell him? Or should? Or want to?
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What would telling him do, besides make him hate himself for things he couldn't control? And when he had control, it'd been after he'd been hollowed out and left in pieces.
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But what it might do is make you feel slightly less like you're hiding things. Would that be worth it? Only you know. But I do think that's a shitload of heavy burden for you to carry.
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You know how that destroys a person.
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Yeah. But I came back from it. If Wukong had been in your position, I wouldn't want him just sitting with that on his chest.
...But I'm not telling you what to do. If you decide that it's better for you to just live with it, I'll help you through it however I can. If you decide to tell him, same deal.
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[Also had MK and others to help with the divorce era. And frankly a lot more cynical than Maine. Maine wasn't a social sort, but Wash knew Maine didn't have the trust issues Macaque had before meeting Wukong. If anything, things might have gone better if Maine had had trust issues.]
Not when he doesn't have support. Even if Carolina is in a place to try, Carolina and emotional issues aren't the best.
Especially when she was the first one the Meta hurt. It'd be kind of fucked up to put on her.
I'm fine with accountability, but not when it comes with telling him how many friends and allies he hurt because someone didn't respect his humanity.
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Is there anything I can do for you, in that case?
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[But there is no way to tell Maine that without making it far more damaging than it had to be (like Maine wasn't a broken mess, feral and out of control, like either Maine turned on Wash, or Wash turned on him instead of circumstances out of their control), or telling Maine generally what he did and the implications of he'd kill Wash would be enough to paint a terrible picture.]
[When someone tried so hard to protect, the worst thing to find out is you were the monster in the darkness.]
...are you all right?
I know you won't push and I....I can't let you change my mind on this. Not this.
But its still...
I can see it still being...
[He waves a hand in the air.]
Knowing I could do something like that, if nothing else.
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Me? [ He opens his mouth to answer... then closes it. ]
[ He thinks for a second, checking in with himself, because he doesn't want to be patronizing or give an untrue answer in the name of making Wash feel better. ]
Mostly. It's not my favorite set of memories that we're drawing parallels to. But you need something, even if I'm not sure what that is yet, so that's where my head is. I might feel differently later, I couldn't tell you, but right at this moment that's where I come down.
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I... [His heart is still racing, still anxious.] I know how much it hurt you, and how much trust matters to you, and its...
Its one of the worst things I've done. Of my own volition. [Most things, there was some level of ignorance or mind control or fucked up stakes that made for desperate decisions. And this one...well, okay, it was still a desperate situation.]
[But it was the last domino in a line of things instead of some on high power fucking with him. There was time to get off the train far earlier before it crashed.]
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[ There's a short pause before Macaque softly adds: ] I trust you. Hearing about this terrible thing that you did hasn't changed that.
[ He very badly wants to sweep Wash into a crushing hug, but he stays where he is: not touching, but well within reach to lay on or yank into an embrace. Options are good. ]
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[Touching. Touching is a thing. There is a part of him that wants to reach out. Another part is buzzing so loud. Its a lot of feelings that he's trying to sort through, especially when he had essentially jammed the gears of his own switching.]
[He doesn't even know whose in charge right now.]
You don't need to protect me from him. So you know. I appreciate you want to. But Maine was never a threat to me.
Honestly, he's probably the reason why I survived some of the Meta encounters I did. About the only reason I can think of for the Meta leaving me the healing unit. Whatever was left in there refused to take it.
As long as he doesn't somehow end up with Sigma, he'd take a thousand bullets if it meant keeping Carolina and me safe.
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"Good to know. I'll apologize and tell him it's a reflex slash bad habit, which is true enough." Macaque would like to be in good terms with the people that Wash cares about.
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He huffed. "You can guess who encouraged using a live grenade during a training session."
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Macaque manages a little smile. "I can imagine."
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Finally he moves a hand up. Back of his hand on the blankets, fingers making a gimme motion.
"If he does spar you, try to not be too harsh in the reality check. He's used to very little being able to match him for pure strength," he said. "Him and Carolina are going to need to learn how many more big fishes are in this pond, but its gonna leave them shook either way. If I'm lucky, I might get the idea through to Carolina without having to have a big fish fight her."
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Then a little grin. "I'll only beat his ass a little, but i can't promise to make it look hard."
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"I tried to tell him to not bother holding back. I don't think he believed me," he said. "So probably for the best. He'll probably want a rematch when he realizes I wasn't kidding. Or thinking I have rose colored glasses about my boyfriend. One of those."
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"He'll believe it all eventually. Reality happens whether he's ready or not. Besides, he strikes me as someone who doesn't mind a challenge once he has his footing." All Wash's colleagues have so far.
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"Hm, it's between that and the goalpost that is a concern. He's not the most graceful loser if he doesn't expect it as a possibility," he said. Carolina? Sure. But there was a reason he was willing to use the grenade against Tex.
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"All right, I'll be nice. At least until he has his feet under him." But Macaque isn't going to throw a fight, so.
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