castaside | Seasons Inbox

Really, give it time. There is a priority list, things to establish before he answers other things. He doesn't want to accidentally encourage things that would be worse overall.

Its easy to make excuses and justifications to do fucked up shit to help because things are extreme and messy, and he doesn't want to enforce that before other things.

"How were you after? And I don't mean just the physical injuries," he asked.

Normally this is where Macaque's stunning acting skills come in handy and he plays it off like he portaled home and changed clothes and barely gave the whole thing another thought. But it's Wash, and he'll call that bullshit out immediately.

"I don't know. Worried that I made things worse for you, or Choco would be unhappy if she found out somehow. Confused." Not necessarily in that order.

"You?" Please god at least say it helped.

"Choco absolutely should never find out the details of what happened," he said. Mostly for her own sake. She would certainly feel some kind of way about it, it wasn't an ideal situation in the least. Also, just knowing anything about his sex life is one big No. "She wouldn't be surprised it wasn't exactly the pinnacle of mental health, she's experienced my memories of being in that headspace and she knows how bad it is, but the only thing she'd need to know was a yay or nay on asking for your help again."

A more direct question on whether he helped or not.

Definitely a big worry and he sighs.

"You got me out of that headspace. That one is a poison. It will spread out and make my divisions even more stark and it becomes harder and harder to switch between all the different parts of me and just end up being that one," he said. "Anything that breaks the hold the headspace has on me is a good thing."

"Trust me, if you make me worse, you're going to know it. Its not a subtle thing. I also probably would have told you to get lost after the first orgasm."

"Then she won't." Simple as that. It can stay between them. Cole is the only one who Macaque said anything to, and he was sparse with details... mostly he just needed to get out of his own head, and Cole keeps his secrets.

"I'm glad, then. I hoped that an interruption in the thoughts would at least be a start." And it sounds like it did, even if, as Wash said, the only thing that can truly help is time. Time and Wylan getting better.

"If you need help again, I don't mind. Taking you to kill things or otherwise. I know that could sound self-serving," since clearly Wash had some idea that Macaque had an interest or he probably wouldn't have tried, "but it's not. I'm used to sex as a way to cope with things. It's fine. All you have to do is ask."

If Macaque did read into any such requests, it would be in the opposite direction of 'does this mean anything good?'

"An interruption and other reasons. Article 12 is a fucked up assortment of PTSD," he said, reaching out to pick up one of the mango smoothies, holding it out to Macaque.

"Is it fine?" He asked. "You said you were confused. And you're aware that I knew I was taking advantage of your interest. I know using someone like that is fucked up, I just..." He frowned a bit. Considering how to phrase this.

"I wanted a sense of control over something fucked up. All part of that dancing with toxicity thing. Kind of need to know where you're at for 'sex is coping' when that was mixed in."

He accepts the smoothie and takes a drink of it. A little smile of approval at the taste.

"I wasn't confused at first. I knew what you were asking. The roughness and you needing it to hurt, it was clear. Things became less clear as we went on. When you started saying things about needing me when you saw it got me to react. But if you tell me that it was only coping and nothing more, I'll believe you, and I'll know not to be confused."

Any feelings he might have about that would be his own problem, and nothing he'd make a thing of.

"I needed to control something too. I needed to help you. Even if only a little, even just for a short time. If you were ever in the same state again, I can't say I'd feel differently." He doesn't know how to turn off caring about someone. He never even managed it with Wukong, he just hid it beneath anger, and not all that well.

He hums, picking up a plum and taking a bite. Oh, if only that answer was so straight forward.

"The things I needed changed. For a long, long time the only thing I could use to keep some semblance of myself was to bury it under anger and rage. Self hatred. The need to hurt and be hurt, the need for control. I could pursue those things, through one means or another, usually a fucked up way, and it kept me from falling into despair or pure madness. That's why that mindset can have such a strong hold on me," he said.

"But the reason I needed all that was because if I was even the least bit soft or gentle, I would likely have been killed. Connection would lead to death. Hell, the one time I did let my care win, I almost died within a day," he said, staring at the peach pit. The purple skin of the fruit. Darker than the armor that shot him in the back. South, too distrusting and self serving to recognize how much he was giving up for her by disobeying orders.

"So that was the first time I used sex as a coping mechanism. Not the first time I used being a manipulative, using asshole, but usually there wasn't any reason to change from just being a dick. I broke out of the wanting to just hurt things and myself mindset, but wasn't out of controlling someone, and getting you to react was that," he said. He takes another bite, chewing thoughtfully.

"Why did you need to help me?" He asked. "That an always thing or a current problem thing?"

It sure is a whole different experience, actually having a conversation about this stuff. Normally Macaque would just make his assumptions and the other party would make theirs and it would stay that way for centuries.

"Come on, Wash. You know why I needed to help you." He said it himself, he was taking advantage of Macaque's interest. "I hadn't decided exactly how I cared about you, but I knew I did."

"I hadn't seen you like that before or anything close, however... it's not a direct analogy, but I knew very early on that I'd help you release your pendant limiter if you decided that you wanted that. And if something else came up that I could help with, and you'd let me, I'd probably want to. So I guess it's an always thing."

He shrugged. "Some people do have a limit on what help they'll offer," he pointed out. "And not letting someone take advantage of your feelings is not an unreasonable boundary. Its good to be clear. Especially if you want to be able to help, even when I'm being royally fucked in the head."

He gestures in the air. "Its like how I am with Choco. She wants to be able to help when I'm fucked in the head, but we both also recognized that when I'm like that, I can't be trusted to hold back. So I try to not be around her when I'm like that, and she tries to not push into a more active role in helping. I don't viciously tear her down one way or another, and she doesn't make me hate myself because I did something I couldn't take back. Its not a situation we really like, but one we recognize is best for our own individual mental health in the long run."

He tosses the plum pit to the water, watching the ripples form that go under. "I'm not against help. I'm against someone sacrificing their own mental health for me."

"I do have limits. Believe me, I'm desperately unsubtle when they're reached." Usually involves shouting and an avalanche of bitterness. "I don't want to get there either, don't get me wrong. If you think there's risk of that, then..."

He shrugs. "Okay. Fair enough. The last thing I need is another situation where I feel taken advantage of until I burst." This doesn't feel like that but then he and Wukong didn't start out that way either. In fact it felt surmountable until like a split second before Macaque unloaded on him. "I'm nowhere near that, for the record. I don't feel like you were taking advantage since I knew what I was doing when I agreed, but I can hardly refute it if you're telling me that you were taking advantage."

"I figured that you have limits beyond what happened. I knew even before we started that if you really didn't want to be there, there wasn't any scenario where I was going to keep you there if you didn't agree somewhat. But I'd rather not hit those limits just because I was afraid to have the conversation," he said. "Had enough of that in my life. Better to address it at the start."

He shrugged his shoulders and picks up a mango, offering it to him. "And, really, full disclosure for that interest. I'm in a lot better place than I was five years ago. But I don't know how long it'll be before all those bad habits are fully gone. I don't think I'll get worse than that, at least not without mental fuckery going on, and I would be very careful when it comes to my potential Heart Game, but I wouldn't hold it against you if you didn't want to deal with those relapses."

Address it at the start? The start of what?

"Very well. I'll tell you if I'm feeling used at any point, about anything. I'd like to say I won't put myself in that position, but I'm thinking that's probably deeply unrealistic." So discussing it after the fact is probably the best he can do.

He takes the mango and uses a portal to grab a sharp knife and starts peeling it like he's done this approximately ten million times.

"I wasn't under the impression that your potential Heart Game would be a sweet lullaby. But if I learned anything from mine, it's that preparation matters. And even if it didn't, it'd be worth it. No one should have artificial limits on their magic, it's messed up."

Start of any kind of bad pattern of behavior. Friendship or more, really. He doesn't want to look up and be halfway down the road.

"Rule one with me; I don't need perfection, just trying. Telling me after the fact is good at helping keep things together," he said.

"Hmm, I just know how much of a bastard I can be," he said. "But Heart Games are special circumstances, and nothing soon. We have a lot of time to sort out other things."

"Nothing soon, agreed. Red needs a good deal of time anyway. He probably wouldn't have been willing to do another one so soon after Choco's if it wasn't me." Or MK, someone like that.

He flashes a smile and offers Wash a piece of mango as he cuts it. "I'll tell you as soon as I can get my head on straight, then. That might take a minute, but I'll do it."

There's a pause. "You were with Wukong a lot in my heart game, weren't you? It might be obvious where my inclination to put myself aside for someone else came from. He never did it on purpose, he was an oblivious idiot who still has trouble putting his thoughts into words, that's all. But it's a very old habit that I'm trying to break, so be patient with me."

"Which is fair, honestly," Wash said. Wash knows the want to not be altruistic and pushing yourself for other impulse.

He nods and takes the piece. "That's all I ask. I can pick up a lot, but it can be hard to judge when I should push someone when struggling with a personal issue, especially if I just know something is there, but not what specifically," he said, popping it into his mouth.

Wash snorts. "Yyyyyeah, introspection doesn't seem his strong suit," he said. "As well as learning avoiding being kind of lowkey patronizing. The kind that doesn't mean any harm, but sometimes that can be even more grating. But luckily I have patience in spades. It's kind of a must being Blue Team leader."

He chuckles at the description of Wukong and eats the next piece of mango himself. "You got him dead to rights. And he's lot better now than he used to be. I spent a lot of years getting my 'complain when something's bothering you' impulse trained out of me. He's a good person so it was never anything he did viciously, just something that happened while he had better things to do. He ignored me, then he dismissed me, and when I pushed back and left I still couldn't totally let go, and then he killed me so we never got to work things out. Until here."

"But I did promise myself I wouldn't put myself in a box for anyone again, so you're not wrong for pushing me. It just goes against a lot of conditioning for me to wave my arms and say 'hey, treat me better'... but I have, since we've been here, so I know I can do it. It was just hard to pull out those tricks when you were in a state like that."

"I feel like I should be more concerned about that killing you thing, but that also feels like me throwing rocks at glass houses," he said. Intent, but failed is pretty close to actual murder. Plus all the times the guys talked about Caboose killing Church....

There is a pause. "You may need better taste in men. Red Son hasn't tried to kill people who are important to him to, has he?" He's just saying, Macaque. Three for three is a bad sign.

He nods. "I can get that. I've pulled on bad habits before in extreme circumstances," he said. Macaque's seen it. Its not exactly a sane and healthy person who can shoot their little sister, even if she IS being puppeteered by a supreme bitch. "But that's why..." He gestures around them. "Check ins are important after the circumstances pass."

He laughs out loud at the 'better taste in men' comment. "My death was a classic 'it takes two to tango' situation, and we worked it out. Besides, MK doesn't kill unless he's exhausted all options, and he keeps the rest of us honest."

He offers Wash more of the mango as he cuts it away from the seed.

"So this is a check-in in addition to an apology? Do I get a fruit picnic every time I feel used?" Just a joke, there. "Shame I don't see you taking advantage of me all that often, this is nice."

"So its just MK whose the exception," he said with a dry chuckle. Noting that Red Son was also like that. Macaque really could use better taste.

He'll accept the fruit. "But MK also has that 'exception to many rules' vibe about him." He's met the type several times. There are just airs about them. Aoko was the same, that's why she has so many shady people around her.

"It is, yes. I like I said, Choco needs a yay or nay on asking for help from you in the future," he said. "If its a nay, she'd want to know, and telling her sooner is better to help her recover from any feelings of guilt. Easier to recover from one mistake, especially when its a mistake that she wouldn't be surprised by. And having a yay sooner would assure her of any anxiety she has right now because she knows dealing with me like that isn't easy, especially when she knows I don't need to beat someone in a fight to find ways to hurt them. Its why people like Nyssa and that bone lady don't make a lot of ground with me. I'm very good with those games too."

"He is exactly that type." And Macaque is very obviously extremely affectionate about MK right now. It would be obvious even if Wash wasn't Wash.

He does flinch at the mention of the Lady Bone Demon, and rolls his right shoulder as if it pains him. Into a portal go the mango seed and skin pieces, and Macaque washes his hands through another portal.

"I'd like it to be a yes on helping, but I feel like you're telling me it's a no."

"Its more I'm asking for an honest answer from you. Take out the want to help me as a counterweight," he said, resting his elbow on a knee, chin in hand as he studies him. "Would you be okay? If I got that bad again, could you recover? And work with me to make sure that you don't fall into your own bad habits?"

Macaque thinks about it sincerely. This takes a few moments.

Would he be okay? He feels okay now, but he thinks about how he got with Wukong eventually, how the resentment started seeping out of him until one day it exploded. Taking his want to help Wash out of the equation feels as impossible as taking his love for Wukong out of it, but he tries.

"If it's occasional, and we process it afterwards like we're doing, I'd be okay. If it starts being a regular thing, or there's no discussion, I'd be falling into bad habits and it would get harder to recover from." He shrugs. "You'd be able to recognize if and when my tolerance is waning, I get snappish."

Wash studies him as he answers. Looking for signs of lying or attempts at downplaying. Its a very serious question, and he has to be careful. He doesn't like making people punching bags. He doesn't like being an asshole. He fights everyday to not be that person anymore.

But he's also far too aware that he can't say he won't trip and relapse. Proven that he did. It wasn't as bad as his darkest days, but he knows that's in him and its going to be a long time before he can ever confidently say he won't do it again.

Having a safety net wouldn't be a bad idea. One that isn't a kid. Someone who can fight back. The Blues and Reds could do that. Tucker was always quick to call him out on his bullshit when he started waning, and the Reds were willing to just walk. And Caboose...

Caboose is Caboose.

And of course, Carolina simply understood.

It isn't a bad idea to have the contingency plan, as loath as he is to admit it. Its just like he's always ready to shoot someone he loves if he has to. One of those fucked up things.

"All right," he said, looking to the water. "But if you notice it is making you worse, then we're changing things. And if I notice it, the same thing. I'm too self aware to pretend I can always avoid the fucked up thing, but I want to minimize the damage."

Macaque nods. That seems reasonable. He wonders how different things would have been with Wukong if they'd actually been able to talk about what was going on. It hits a bit hard, knowing that he threw away the best thing in his life because he couldn't bring up the hard stuff out of fear.

He never wants to be in a situation like he was in after their fight beneath the mountain, where he wanted to make things right but was too afraid to open his mouth.

"Have you ever used me before a few days ago? It doesn't seem like it from my end, but I need to know that." Wash is clearly good at manipulation, so it seems a fair question.

"I haven't," he said. Then he paused. "Unless you count evil bitch heart manifestations, but Hearts are always a messy situation." He was definitely playing games with Lady Bone Demon because he figured he was better at dealing with the mind games than Wukong.

"I can't say I don't use those practices with strangers or assholes, but I try to be honest with people who I want to have a good relationship with, and definitely friends and family," he said. "I don't want to use you as a matter of course."

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