castaside | Seasons Inbox

Macaque continues grooming through Lucifer's hair as he considers all this. It is a big question, a big step. Macaque probably would have waited longer if he didn't spend the last however many days with his heart outside his body -- he would have wanted to ask, but possibly not had the courage to. A consequence of being open and vulnerable is that these things slip out.

He smiles, soft and gentle. "We can talk now, if that's okay with you. I've learned that there are no good moments for these conversations in this place. We have time now, so I'm good with now. Whatever you want to tell me, I want to hear."

"And yes, I think I do understand. But I still want to hear it from you."

"Alright," They can talk now. He wants to talk, honestly. The fingers grooming his hair feel so good. It helps him relax, reminds him he's safe right now. Naked, in bed with this man, in his strong arms, and even with both of them being emotional right now. Macaque far more so of course. Still.

"I love Lilith. Even still. Even after...everything. I feel this pull to hang on. To hope she'll come back one day. ...But someone told me that she might have moved on and I don't know. And if that's the case...shouldn't I? Shouldn't I pursue happiness too? The happiness I feel with you?"

He pauses for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

"To say yes to that. To being your mate, would mean moving forward. And...part of me wants to so badly. Part of me is scared what it means. And then there's things like, you have many mates. And casual sex is something I enjoy with others. So is that acceptible or would you want me to just be yours? To have me being all yours. These are the things to talk about. Right? Before we take that step together. And will we live together or have a place together? Toothbrushes at sinks and I mean I've already met your family and those they share a space with and you need to meet Charlie and-"

He's starting to ramble, save him Macaque.

Macaque gives Lucifer a quick kiss to stop him from vibrating into oblivion.

"I respect that you still love your wife, of course. I'd never want to keep you from your happiness. If she comes back, I'll be happy for you. What that means for us we could address when the time came." He'd be sad to potentially lose Lucifer of course but it would be a small price to pay to see him happy.

"I would never restrict who you could be with, casually or otherwise. I have three other mates and one person I'm hoping to get there with someday, it would be the worst kind of hypocrisy so tell you that we had to be exclusive. As I said, I want you to be happy. I'd support whatever made you happy. Asking to be called my mate doesn't mean anything more than we care deeply for each other and are committed to each other. What it means, we decide. I have a different relationship and expectations with each of my mates, there's no set rules for it."

He kisses Lucifer again. "I can understand being nervous. It's a big step for you. If you say "no" or "not now" it won't change how I feel about you. But I hope you say yes, because I would be so lucky to have you as a mate. We make each other happy and we plan to be important in each other's lives, that's all it means."

Lucifer is thankful for the kiss as it stops his rambling. He smiles as he just listens. The nervousness slips away as Macaque is so open and honest. He smiles and visibly relaxes. He kisses back the second time. He looks at his ring again. He isn't ready to take it off. Not yet. But he slides his arms to rest on Macaque's shoulders as his fingers rake through Macaque's hair. Sharp claws gently work the hair in his hands, an attempt to groom Macaque as he stares into those eyes.

"You, love, are so eloquent. You are not just charming but captivating. You, Six Eared Macaque, are a marvel," That's right. He used your full name. Deal with it.

"How can I say no when you keep making me fall more and more in love with you every moment we're together? I love you. And I will be your mate." The words pour out of him. He just wants him to be happy and he wants to make Macaque happy too. To see him happy. To know he is filled with happiness.

"And you are the second person in all of creation to have me fall in love with them. I want you to know how incredibly special you are, love."

Macaque is measured at first as he listens to Lucifer respond, not having any expectations (but some hopes, of course). And then he hears more than a yes, and he breaks into a grin.

"I love you too," he says as he leans in to kiss Lucifer with open intensity and passion, no longer measured at all.

Lucifer kisses him back with matching intensity and passion. No more holding back. The need pouring into the kiss as he drinks Macaque's. So badly does he want to break that promise. To give in to his desires. To show Macaque just how deep his love goes. He can't. He made a promise to his daughter. Though that doesn't mean he isn't going to kiss this monkey within an inch of his immortal life.

Macaque would never let Lucifer break his promise to Charlie, no matter how he pressed. Promises to one's daughter are unbreakable, period. But there is enough that's permissible right now to make him happy. He can pull Lucifer close, flush against each other, skin to fur, and kiss him like he's the only thing anchoring Macaque to this world. This is is mate now, and that means safety and togetherness and steadiness. It means everything.

Lucifer kisses back and clings to his new mate. Thinking it makes him shiver. He wraps a leg around Macaque to keep him close. Just fur, skin, no space between them. His fingers run through soft luscious fur and feel Macaque like this. He looks forward to feeling him more but right now, in his moment, this is so good. He kisses Macaque like he's trying to hold him to this world with his mouth alone.

That shiver is nice. The leg around him more so. Macaque can't help but think of a future time when they can give in as they'd like to. He can't wait for Lucifer to absolutely destroy him, and his face flushes a bit just considering it. He'd like to say he's in no rush, but...

Nevermind, it's not a big deal. Certainly nowhere as big as a promise to Charlie.

Somehow that makes him think of what happened over the last several days, and Macaque eases the kiss off a bit before pulling just slightly away, leaning against Lucifer.

"Sorry, I'm still a bit off now and then. It comes and goes. It's been a rough week, and I feel like there's been more of those than not in the last year."

Lucifer also cannot wait until he can destroy Macaque. Oh the joy they will have together. Right now, this moment is still amazing. Them together, touching, close, kissing, and he can be here for Macaque. He lets the kiss ends and he listens. He nods and stays close, petting Macaque's hair.

"Don't be sorry. You're going through quite a lot right now. And it makes sense. More than enough sense. It does sound like it. Do you want to talk about any of the other things? Or anything at all. I can listen for you. I'd be glad to. Anything you need right now."

Macaque purrs at the quasi-grooming. "You should have seen me before Wash got hold of me. I practically told him to go away." It was very much a struggle, that first bit.

He sighs lightly. "I don't know what to say. I knew that MK would forgive me, but part of me didn't want him to. He deserves so much better than to have one of his clones try to take over, especially considering how hard he fought for them." He snuggles closer. "I think I just need you."

The claws keep petting and keeps the quasi-grooming going.

"I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. May I ask you something? Did you not want to be forgiven because of the guilt? Or were you more hoping you would have to earn it? So you could help soothe your guilt along with his anger?"

Macaque considers that while taking in the quasi-grooming. It's a pleasant way to think about unpleasant things.

"I do want to be forgiven, but I would feel better if it were acknowledged that I contributed to what could have been a disaster, rather than being forgiven carte blanche. At least then I'd know that we talked about the problem instead of having to wonder if the forgiveness I'm being offered is masking any resentment about it."

The quasi-grooming slowly evolves into real grooming.

"I'm going to guess you didn't bring that up to him yet. Since you're saying it like that," Lucifer said as he kept grooming.

"Even I know it's one of those things that the sooner you talk to him about it is better. Especially with something that big. But you shouldn't force yourself either. You should make sure to be ready before tackling that. And if there is anything any of us can do to help you get ready, we're here for you."

"I haven't seen him yet. I'm trying to get some thoughts in order first, or there's a very real risk of me getting my 'run away from my problems' instinct activated."

Macaque burrows against Lucifer all the more. "Being with you quiets my mind, which is what I need. I'm processing it as fast as I can. I don't want to keep him waiting. Or them, I guess, since Cole and Wukong and Red are also relevant here. But I did tell him in there, or a statue of him, that I needed time and it wasn't about him, so I'm hoping that helps."

"I'm here for you. As long as you need to process. And I will help anyway I can," Lucifer said with a smile. The grooming kept going.

"Just something to try and think about when your mind is quiet. And you told him. I am sure he'll understand. He loves you and you love him. You both went through something awful. I'm sure he needs time like you do. To just be. Himself again, finally."

"I know." He draws a slow breath. Just trying to center himself. "Wash helped me with it too. More or less. We kept getting distracted, much like I could with you." It's tempting to just lose himself in his partners and focus on other things, like getting wrecked.

Which did help clear his head in all fairness.

"I don't want him to think I abandoned him. But I also need to be ready to talk about the Candid thing when I see him -- them -- and I'm not. I'm still more or less letting the guilt drive."

Lucifer nodded. They could get lose in each other but Lucifer is sure that wouldn't be a good idea. Not for Macaque and not in the long run. Especially now if Wash helped do that. Distractions could be good but Luci wanted to help Macaque sort these thoughts first.

"Are you going to ask to talk to them both at the same time or one then the other?" Ask about Macaque's plan first. Figure out what he has figured out then help him find out more. Give constructive criticism and help keep him calm and help with the guilt. Lucifer hopes he can do this.

Probably not a good idea no, but these things happen.

"I'll talk to MK first. He deserves that. And he'll probably forgive me immediately and I'm trying to decide whether to argue with him about that. And then I'll see Red, probably. He already texted me saying he wanted to. Wukong and Cole are harder. They both rely very heavily on MK. He's the center of their worlds... he is Red's too, but Red has less tendency to be a hermit so it's not the same. Anyway, I assume they're both going to be furious and I can't blame them. This is like my umpteenth fuckup with MK."

No, probably not. Lucifer snuggles closer and pets just behind those ears.

"Now, that sounds like a good list of priorities. But a word of advice? You may not believe it but try to remember me saying this. I doubt, very much, that Wukong or Cole are going to be furious. I have a feeling you may be surprised by their reactions. But at the same time, try to keep an open mind and don't try to force the reaction you feel you deserve. Don't let your subconscious do that to you. Be prepared for the worst but leave yourself open to surprise of it going better than you think. Okay?"

Macaque lets out a slow breath.

"Those are the reactions I deserve, I can't deny it. And when people aren't mad when I think they should be it feels like they're burying things that need to be aired out. I spent a long time doing that in the past and I don't want any part of it again."

Lucifer kisses Macaque's cheek.

"There are other things besides anger they might be feeling. Sadness. Worry. Confusion. They might be those things too. Not just angry. Just try to remember that. I believe in you and I believe in them. Go when you're ready to rip the bandage off. Until then, stay in my arms and let me hold you. Because right now, I love you and I want to shower you with love."

"I'll try to remember. For now, I could very much use being showered in your love specifically."

He burrows into Lucifer's shoulder. This monkey is so stressed.

"I can do that," Lucifer said softly and gently kissed Macaque's head. He holds him close and tight. Three of his wings appear and gently drape over the monkey as music starts to play. The song is soft as Lucifer starts to sing.

"You've already done so much.
So many lives you've changed.
So many souls you've touched~

And in the end,
if it's only me you've saved,
There's something that I've been dying to saaaay~

More than Anything~
More than Anything~

Need you to know I love you
More than anything~
More than anything~"

There's definitely comfort in being draped in Lucifer's wings and surrounded by his song. Macaque can't relax all the way yet, but he gets as close as is possible right now.

His arms tighten around Lucifer as he listens. Trying but failing to stop his eyes from welling with tears born of many things both good and bad.

He doesn't say anything for now, only clings to Lucifer and tries not to argue with himself over whether he deserves this.

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