castaside | Seasons Inbox

I wasn't saying that you should give him more of a chance. It took me a long time to let him back in even a little. I was just pointing out that he's more than one thing. I've made terrible errors in judgment just like Candid did. I tried to kill MK before. I've been given more than one second chance. So I understand where he is and I want to help him through it. That's all.

I'm still unclear on how strong my foundations are, they haven't really been tested. I always understood myself, I just didn't always like what I saw. I'm still struggling with that.

If you were or are uncomfortable around me and wanted to push through it, I wouldn't tell you not to do it. All I said before is that I am not going to make you uncomfortable for the sake of getting to know people that you're not interested in getting to know. To me, there's a difference.

We'll keep the sessions short at first, how's that?

There are few people I'm not willing to help through these things. But as long as I'm not sure that it won't keep happening it'll be in other places and neutral. I'd be less upset if he had just tried to kill me or something.

Your foundations are willing to bend over backwards to help and support you. That's very strong. But I understand not liking the you that you understood. You're more open and you know better ways to deal with most things. That's not nothing.

I am always uncomfortable Macaque. And I didn't say I'm not interested. Just that there's going to be a long time before I even consider lowering my guard because of how things are with us. You wouldn't be pushing anything on me by wanting a day together with none of us at odds and I can at least say I wouldn't be the one at odds if things started to go badly. If they also won't put things at odds then there shouldn't be anything more awkward than people who don't know each other well being in a party.

Short might work.

Edited 2025-12-16 23:42 (UTC)

Listen, I get it. I'd just feel like a hypocrite if I wrote Candid off. I understand your position.

They shouldn't have to bend over at all. I should be good enough at dealing with whatever shit comes along at my age. I just never dealt with anything before, not really. Unless it was via rage.

I'm done, and that's that. If anyone wants to get to know anyone else, it's a finite city, they can go for it. But no more pressure from me. It this point I'd just feel guilty for asking, for pushing. I'd rather everyone stay separated than feel like this another minute.

I'm just being clear that I haven't.

Everyone says it doesn't matter what age you are you're not supposed to have to deal with these things on your own. A lot. So I'm going to assume that if we care and can be there then it's normal to.

Like I said, I'm not pushing. If you're not going to I'm not going to try to make you. I just want no misunderstandings on where I am on it. That it's worse that it is or anything.

Okay, then. But I said I wouldn't push, and so I'm not going to about this. You have your own relationship with Candid, such as it is, and your own problems. Unless you ask for my help with it, which would be a terrible idea, it's not my business.

You can assume that, and that's fine. I don't agree when it comes to myself. Especially when all I do is make things worse.

I'm not going to. All it's done is cause problems and I'm well and truly over it. Everyone can barely tolerate each other until the end of time and I won't mind. Better that than anyone being hurt again.

That'd feel more true if it wasn't so wrapped up in each other. But I appreciate you leaving helping to being asked simply because I don't think there's anything you can do even if you want to help.

You keep saying you make everything worse. My thoughts on that haven't changed. And I'll leave that there.

Like I said, if that's your comfort zone then I'm not pushing. I'm just removing my lack of comfort from that reason.

What do you mean by 'wrapped up in each other'?

Best to leave it there, we won't get anywhere by arguing the point.

You can't remove your lack of comfort from my considerations. You've said that it's not a factor, but it is one for me.

If MK and you hadn't fallen out and two years ago hadn't happened then things would have gone differently with Candid. If Candid was even who he became since he wouldn't have been out so often. I probably wouldn't have gotten close to him as fast if I did at all. If none of what went bad had happened then he wouldn't have hated MK to the point he had tunnel vision like that. The only thing that makes no difference here is me dating MK or not and my feelings about what happened. The rest of it is all still wrapped up together. Just...Candid is the only one who can prove that he's safer again.

You can feel like it is, but that doesn't mean it needs to be. The fact is that I would be fine, so if you need to do this it needs to be for you and not you choosing what you think is better for me. Or for them. Better for you is enough.

Are you saying that you blame me at least somewhat for what Candid tried to do in MK's heart game? It would be fair if you did. I"m just surprised since you'd be the first person to agree with me.

You say that like I can separate the two. It being better for you would be enough reason for me.

Candid made his own choices. But like everything else that happened it was for a reason that was connected to everything. That's not me blaming anyone for his actions. And it's too close together for me to just consider it a thing between me and him. Too many feelings, too much personal experience.

We're not going to agree it is, so the only one we know it will be is you. Which is all I want at the moment.

He made his own choices, but I should have seen it. I let things go because I was too comfortable to ask.

All right, if you say so.

You'd have blame if you did see it and didn't do anything. And even if you had, you didn't him the idea that a person who has had his life stolen away by a copy would just watch him do the same thing to someone else and then forgive him because love. He doesn't even have not knowing as an excuse and even if it was because he loves you so much, that isn't your responsibility. It's only connected to you because we're all connected to each other.

If I had seen it I would have stopped it, absolutely. I don't know what he was thinking that any of us would ever forgive him. I only forgave him as it is because I'd be a hypocrite of I didn't give people second chances.

But all the same, I knew he resented MK. We only talked about it the once, where he actually had something legitimate to be resentful about. It never came up again, but I should have asked. This is where me being dumb about feelings comes into play, I suppose. All I know is that... I liked it. I liked being the center of someone's attention for once. And it haunts me that because of that, I might not have delved into things as I should have, and we all almost lost MK because of it.

That still doesn't make it your fault. Him resenting MK could have shown in many ways. There's no reason that you would have to think that he'd choose that one. No reason you should have to assume the worst situation of people you care about when they seem normal.

I've only forgiven him because he didn't succeed and the bullying he was getting wasn't helping him. Told him to remind the others that tearing him down won't make things right with anyone. That I'll be waiting for him to prove he won't repeat home again, but I won't trust more than that he sees the problem and wants to change it.

You know what it like to not feel seen or to share more than you're getting. It's nice to have. That's not your fault and I doubt anyone would say you should feel bad for enjoying attention and not doing anything with what you couldn't see coming..

Thanks. I'll try to remind myself of all that.

One dramatic thing did help me to forgive him, though. During the blackout, MK must have been effected by the veil, knowing him, because I saw him running away from a group of humans that he should easily have been able to take in a fight. And Candid jumped in to save MK. Even took a bullet for him. That helped convince me that Candid was on the right path. And we've done a fair bit of talking about MK since and I haven't seen anything that concerns me. I'm keeping my ears open, that said.

But obviously you have to deal with him in the ways that are right for you, I'm not telling you this to try and change your mind. I'm just explaining my thinking.

That's all I can ask.

That is a good sign overall and tracks with my last talk with him. Though I'm sorry he got shot. It's not my issue with him though. I'm genuinely glad he's doing better anyway.

I appreciate the explanation. And it makes sense. If it wasn't so personal to basically everything about who and what I am along with everything else maybe I'd be further into forgiving him or able to ask for your help. But I don't think anyone here even can so this is the best way.

He was fine. We did learne that he can't pop anymore unless he's the subject of enough to kill someone.

Forgive him or not in your own time, you have your reasons. I've thought before that maybe I was too quick in doing so. Max was right, I do have a swiss-cheese heart sometimes.

Asking for my help would be a terrible idea so probably avoid that whenever possible.

MK told me about that when he asked me to be around when he brought Candid back.

That's a term I've never heard. But like I said, he's been forgiven. We're on the hard part.

We're never going to agree on that.

Did you tell him what happened when he died? What a mess.

I hadn't heard it either. He said that about having a lot of partners. It's not like I'm coupled up with half the population. Nine people isn't so many.

I guess not. But if you ever ask me for help and I hesitate, that's why.

He did. It's another messy situation. But it sounds like he's got a better grasp on the scary part than he had before.

Pretty much all of you have more than I'm ever likely to have, so I'm not a good judge of "a lot". Two is a lot to me and I technically have that many.

I'll be more surprised if you ever don't hesitate.

Candid was telling MK about being able to be hurt without popping, and also that I kissed him, when Azure took over. I keep hoping it was only the first thing and not the second that tripped the wire. Either way, I'm glad he told you. I told him that he should. Keeping that a secret wouldn't be good for MK.

I really only ever expected to have Wukong, and when that went to shit I expected nothing. But I'm much happier now than I was then, so I guess that's something.

I mean, if you told me that you needed someone's ass kicked I wouldn't hesitate. It's just all the rest of it that I'm not very good at.

He did. I can relate to either being the reason, but also how scary it is to have somone else use you to make that choice. Azure aside, MK needs support in coming to terms with Candid. Having Azure just means things are more complicated. And someone needs to make sure Candid is actually okay.

It's more than something.

What makes that funny is that's something I'll only ever need when I'm out of options. So you'll know it's bad.

I'm not sure what the reference to someone using someone else to make a choice is about.

I know that he needs support. That they both do. But we've just spent however long going over why I'm the exact wrong choice for that, haven't we? I'm not sure what I can do except tell them to talk to people who are much better at support than I am.

Yeah, I know you'd be out of options to ask that, but it's all I feel I can safely offer, so. I wanted to offer anyway.

Azure taking control of MK to make him snap Candid's neck. I know that MK didn't like what Candid said, but I have a hard time imagining he'd have chosen to test that in that manner. That's all.

Unless Candid has someone he trusts as much as you, you might be the only person who can find out if he's actually okay and make sure he's not alone. Even if it's just finding out who else he has and helping with reasons they should talk to him. I can support MK better than I can Candid because of similar experiences.

I'll remember.

I didn't think it was. MK was really shaken up after I told him what happened.

I can try to get him to talk to his therapist, I guess. I don't know how well he'll listen to me. He went all sideways on me when I said that I was engaged. And then he started leaking Contagion out of his nose. The whole thing was unnerving.

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