castaside | Seasons Inbox

It's all hot chocolate, Cole. It feels like you're splitting hairs. I don't care that much about how good it is. I'll sit and drink it with you if you need me to. I can't promise that I'll be 100% comfortable at first but if we try it enough I'll relax.

Right, that's why I said that I know that you don't intend to imply that you want a better relationship. But to me, they do things a certain way and you do things a certain way, neither is better or worse, it's just that their way is what I'm used to right now. It's not to say that I couldn't get used to your way again and have it be just as good. I just need time for that. A lot of that time isn't going to feel easy or comfortable in the beginning, but I'm willing to get through it.

But I do hate that I made you feel like your feelings don't matter. Can you give me an example that's not MK related, since I know that subject is closed now? I'm not denying that I hurt you, it just helps me to have specifics so I know what not to do. And something being too close to you, is that why you reacted the way you did when Lucifer was gone? What would be an example, real or made up, of a problem I could have that doesn't get too close to you? I just need to have some idea of what I'm doing here.

I see the problem, I didn't consider your reiteration of the deal to be any different than what I said right before that. I didn't think "more open" meant just trying to see your view, I thought it meant accepting it as fact.

At least we agree that we want this to work enough to make that deal. It's a start.

I'm a Lost stuck between being an adult and a child. Splitting hairs because it's not the same happens sometimes. You see it as the same thing, but I can't. I can only respect that you enjoy it the same either way and that comfort can happen again.

My issue there is that saying whether I intend to imply basically says the implication is there anyway. Which is why I need to be clear that my words don't imply that. Because I have accidentally implied things by not being clearer. I know this is going to take time, but I don't want any misunderstanding about where I am, where you are, or what that means. I don't want you to feel like you have to push yourself if you aren't feeling it because then none of us really enjoys it. And I don't want you to feel that me being jealous is because I blame them or think they deserve less than you're giving them, or anything remotely close to that.

The problem is that being home and family and safety are all tied in, most of the hurt ties back to MK stuff. The furthest from that I guess is you hearing that I suffered not knowing how seriously my home foundation was cracked because people didn't think about the possible consequences to people who have to pick up the pieces. And you said that it shouldn't have been thought of. And when I said why I wasn't planning to meet Lott, which was me doing exactly what I felt should have been done because I knew something bad was mostly likely going to happen if I did, you decided that what I was talking about wouldn't be unintended if if happened. It felt like me suffering didn't matter but also that I'd still be a bad person over an accident. Which I already know I'm not really a good person even though I'm trying to be.

And yeah, I was worried about Lucifer, and knowing that you were worried and when you worry you run yourself into the ground and beat yourself up makes me worry even more. Especially because it never feels like you slow back down for long. And I couldn't do anything to help but check, and it not being my fault that I can't help you isn't on me it still feels awful and frustrating...because a lot of the time you suggest things to me or tell me that you think it would be better if I do them then I do even when I really don't want to. And I didn't want to say it, but you got annoyed, and it being Autumn meant that since you wanted to know I have to be transparent or lose my home Autumn powers.

We used to talk about Wukong stuff just fine. And it didn't ever feel like I was being pushy, just that I could give some perspective, like that day you found him laying in his nest not moving.

I find that using what you know about a person's nature is the best way to judge intent. Maybe I need to look for what I did to give the impression that I'd ever expect that from you. But we're here now and we'll keep working on it together since we want to go back to how things were as much as possible.

But you're assigning a negative meaning to something that I find neutral. This is part of probably why we have so many troubles right now. It connects to me giving you suggestions of what to do, talk to Wash and talk to Donnie, all that. I don't think I understand you very well at all. I want to.

But I'm done with the suggestions for you. They never helped, and they made things worse. It's just, by way of explaining why I asked you to speak with Donnie... even though I disagree strongly with how he confronted MK, he's my kid. I have to be on his side. I can talk to him, ask him to apologize, try and make sure that it never happens again to the best of my ability, but my kids have to be my priority in all things. If you two are at odds, that's where I have to land. And I don't want to be at odds with you anymore. That's why I asked you to talk to him rather than just be angry indefinitely. And why the implication of you hurting Lott was something I took in a way that you didn't intend.

My kids are on my case to pick a birthday for myself because I can't remember mine, and I keep refusing because I know that there's no way that everyone I love can be in the same room together and not have it be weird. And maybe that's just how it is, and I need to get used to it, but right now it's a struggle to know that. It's a struggle to have to calculate how much time I spend at each location and how everyone is going to feel about that. And to know that if I accidentally slip up and hurt MK again, I'm also hurting you, which makes me sometimes stilted or avoidant of my mate when I can't be absolutely sure that I can walk the straight and narrow. I haven't got all this right in my mind yet.

I'm sorry, though. That I made you do things that you didn't want to do. I'm going to try my best to stop. I'll never be thrilled about how divided everyone is, but I can stop trying to force it. And for whatever it's worth, you have every right to tell me no and there not be an argument about it from me.

The lack of slowing down isn't my choice, it's because something is always happening. Letting go of my anger and tapping into some vulnerability means that I am pretty much stuck wallowing when bad things happen, at least for a little while. And, truth be told, when those bad things happen I just don't want to feel better. I want to be hurting. You're probably never going to get me to actually feel better, no matter what. I'm sorry, really. But if we're this far apart about the me taking care of myself when shit is stressful, we probably just shouldn't interact when I'm in the thick of it? And I should be better able to tell you that it's not a good time rather than let the exchange go on and frustrate both of us... something like: if you can't help, it's not a conversation we should be having?

I do worry that bad things happening so often combined with the divide between you and MK on one side and my kids and their household on another means that this just makes a lot of my life off-limits to you. So I'm not sure what you think about it. Maybe there's a better solution than avoiding each other when I'm a mess. I'm open to suggestions.

No, I'm making an admission of how I see things. I like the nice hot chocolate more because to me it tastes better. I like my hot chocolate more, but not because I'd say it's good. Same for coffee. So I can't see it as the same. I can't feel neutral about it, but you can which means that it's good news.

I talked to Wash when he came to me because I didn't think there was anything wrong with the idea and being a little jealous wasn't really a reason not to talk if it could be good. But I talked to Donnie even though I really didn't want to because it put your mind at ease to know I wasn't just building resentment instead of clearing the air...but I had no expectations I'd feel better because it's very clear that we're emotionally very different in a way that I might never be able to lower my guard and risk deeper hurt. And that's not fine, but it is how things are. It's normal.

I can't fully make peace with you being on their side in all things for a number of reasons that include both being the responsible adult and seeing the result of a single side being taken in all things. But I can make peace with your kids coming first in all things in general. That's its own conversation on things I can't really make anyone understand though. So I won't try here because it's not fair to you.

I've been able to be in that house perfectly fine, party or otherwise and at the beach, so you could have a birthday and invite everyone. Or do what some people do and celebrate on a day close to your birthday with the rest of us if you feel that uneasy about it. Birthdays are important to most people and most of us will do what we need to to make it genuinely enjoyable to the best of our abilities no matter which you choose.

As far as the two households, for me it's going to be awhile before I can drop my guard. Because my home and safety were shattered and still on the mend due to...multiple people's actions and my inaction from both knowing and being in the dark. But I haven't felt a positive change from any of what happened. That's all you and them, MK and them, and you and MK. But not me. I'm not as upset anymore, and I'm not holding any grudges or anything. Not even against Lott. But their mindsets about some not insignificant things (to me) mean that I need to have my guard up about how close I let them and be ready for it to hurt. But I can be as normal and not-awkward as I am anywhere else when I'm around them. MK you can speak to about it if you want, but he's basically fine with them and just keeps things simple. So I don't really see the issue with having us all together for a few hours at least one day out of the year.

I'm not sure how to help about your time division though. I basically just take what I get when you drop by home or work. I'd come if you asked and just hang out so long as there's a space I'm not touching anyone else.

If I say no I won't do something, I feel like I need a reason. A real one. And sometimes that reason isn't going to happen until I do it. I don't mind you suggesting things. The first thing you ever suggested is why were even here in the first place. It's the best thing I never said no to.

I can just stop asking about your self-care since I know the answer and it's just going to be how things are for the foreseeable future. That might be the safer option. You can talk to me about things when you're ready and just tell me if you're just venting or I can actually do something for you. That's about all I can think of right now. It's not an active solution, but we can't break it if I don't open that door.

Didn't you just say that it bothers you that I like the "nice" hot chocolate more? I'm confused.

You don't have to be at peace with my being on their side, that's just how it is. I can't see that changing unless one of them did something so terrible for no good reason at all. What Donnie did, I'll never agree with it, but it wasn't for no reason.

You don't need a reason to say no to something other than not wanting to do it. I don't want to pressure you into things and then both 1) you're worse off than before and 2) you feel like I pushed you into something that hurt you. So no more suggestions from me. It's the only answer I can think of.

I am absolutely not having any kind of party where everyone sits around barely tolerating each other. You said that you can't drop your guard, which I understand, but it means my answer is no. And I'm not inviting you over there again as long as that's the case. I don't want to see anyone hurt any more than they are.

...My home and safety were shattered too. By what MK did, accident or no. And by the fact that I didn't bring up to MK that I had concerns about him because I was afraid he'd spiral on me. And then it was shattered again when you told me about Donnie and Lott and how you felt. So I'm not sure what we do with this, but I do understand how you're feeling. And that's why I'm saying absolutely not to future interactions, at least ones that happen at my suggestion or because of me. Absolutely not to feeling this way another moment.

It's a good idea. But between this boundary, and the MK boundary, which Wukong also gets folded into and so does everyone else in my life thanks to the telepathy accident, I'm not sure what that leaves us with. Lucifer, I guess, and I don't really have problems with him except for the frantic worry that we just said is off-limits.

Before you said they're basically the same to you, yes. But you said it's the same but different. It's not to me but but what matters is how you feel about it. I was jealous you started actually enjoying it there, but I could see why.

I understand that that's the way it is. I just need you to understand that that thinking has only ever caused harm whenever I've seen it and not just to me. And I can't say it was for no reason, but it was for a wrong reason. That's just my opinion at this point though.

If that's how you feel it's best, then fine. I won't press the about the suggestions or parties. I just wanted you to know that's basically no different to anywhere else I go, including work and the Dealer's Den. That's all. But from the sounds of it that would be a no-go right now then even without the having been hurt already.

I'm not saying this as a competition, but only because it's different. You weren't dealing with the damage all alone. You weren't in danger. But I know you get it more than you don't and I'm not glad that we have that in common, and I'm glad you did have someones to support you. Which you deserve since you went without for longer than I've existed.

I don't see the logic on why so much is suddenly locked down. There's literally everyone you care about that I have no connection to past "because they're important to Macaque". The only people I know of at the moment that doesn't apply to are MK and Lucifer. But other things considered, it might be a bad idea for post-nightmare talks to be a thing and just to start with being.

But there would be no them without you. I've told you this before. If you hadn't have helped me open up, I'd still be a loner with nobody. Thinking I didn't need anybody and self-destructing slowly. A little cocoa can't compare to that.

I appreciate the warning, and I'll try to be careful.

It can be no different to anywhere else you go and still be the wrong thing for me to go. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I'm willing to go so far as to promise.

Maybe not, but I felt alone. Being in the middle means feeling that way, I think. But I wasn't in danger, that's true enough. I have people who would have supported me if I had asked, that's also true. But I didn't ask, because I was afraid of also putting them in the middle.

You said before that we can't talk about MK. It does leave us with a few things. Max and Esme, I suppose. Whatever strange things happen to Ellipsa as a whole. My past, your past. The reason so much is locked away is because there are things that we can't be talking about, at least for now, if we want to be able to talk neutrally. It'll be a good starting point.

I've never been terribly good at just being. But I'm willing to try. No promises that I won't be terrible at it.

It wasn't the cocoa I was sharing. It was home and safety. And I believe you when you say that, but the problem is what do we have now besides me giving you stress? Or was the problem since we know what we want.

I'm not going to push it.

But you were talking to some people through it. Me before I set that boundary and stopped trying to fix things, and Eash at least. And maybe Candid a bit based on his reactions back during the dreamsharing, but only maybe. And you came out overall better from it. There was no one I could talk to. I know that you can do that and still feel alone still. But there was no help for me until last year. And I was also in the middle for most of it. And I stayed in the middle until I fully knew you didn't really trust me.

I did, I was confused why that somehow extended to Wukong or anyone else is all. And if you seem like just being on nightmare nights is too much, I'll siggest you head off.

You're not giving me stress. I make up the stress all on my own. I did that long before I ever met you.

The Candid thing is still complicated, but I know he cares about you. And I wouldn't say that I came out better from it. A lot of things converged to make things better for me but I'm not so sure that contributed much positivity.

Because Wukong and MK are a matched set. They're everything to each other. And I can't talk about Wukong without there being implications about MK.

Just let me be there. Please. Let me get through the discomfort. I can't change it otherwise.

Alright.

I don't doubt that he does. But he's also proven twice that I was expendable in all things where you're involved. So caring isn't enough for me to let him in again. He got close and I was more comfortable with him than anyone not you or MK. So he has to earn it, if he can. I told him I'll watch through the journey though.

You came out of it with a lot of strong foundations and understanding of yourself. That's good. It just also came with more pain than it should hae.

You're asking me to let you do something you won't let me do. But I'll agree to that so long as you do leave if you're truly uncomfortable. Because I can't wind down if you're fully on edge.

I wasn't saying that you should give him more of a chance. It took me a long time to let him back in even a little. I was just pointing out that he's more than one thing. I've made terrible errors in judgment just like Candid did. I tried to kill MK before. I've been given more than one second chance. So I understand where he is and I want to help him through it. That's all.

I'm still unclear on how strong my foundations are, they haven't really been tested. I always understood myself, I just didn't always like what I saw. I'm still struggling with that.

If you were or are uncomfortable around me and wanted to push through it, I wouldn't tell you not to do it. All I said before is that I am not going to make you uncomfortable for the sake of getting to know people that you're not interested in getting to know. To me, there's a difference.

We'll keep the sessions short at first, how's that?

There are few people I'm not willing to help through these things. But as long as I'm not sure that it won't keep happening it'll be in other places and neutral. I'd be less upset if he had just tried to kill me or something.

Your foundations are willing to bend over backwards to help and support you. That's very strong. But I understand not liking the you that you understood. You're more open and you know better ways to deal with most things. That's not nothing.

I am always uncomfortable Macaque. And I didn't say I'm not interested. Just that there's going to be a long time before I even consider lowering my guard because of how things are with us. You wouldn't be pushing anything on me by wanting a day together with none of us at odds and I can at least say I wouldn't be the one at odds if things started to go badly. If they also won't put things at odds then there shouldn't be anything more awkward than people who don't know each other well being in a party.

Short might work.

Edited 2025-12-16 23:42 (UTC)

Listen, I get it. I'd just feel like a hypocrite if I wrote Candid off. I understand your position.

They shouldn't have to bend over at all. I should be good enough at dealing with whatever shit comes along at my age. I just never dealt with anything before, not really. Unless it was via rage.

I'm done, and that's that. If anyone wants to get to know anyone else, it's a finite city, they can go for it. But no more pressure from me. It this point I'd just feel guilty for asking, for pushing. I'd rather everyone stay separated than feel like this another minute.

I'm just being clear that I haven't.

Everyone says it doesn't matter what age you are you're not supposed to have to deal with these things on your own. A lot. So I'm going to assume that if we care and can be there then it's normal to.

Like I said, I'm not pushing. If you're not going to I'm not going to try to make you. I just want no misunderstandings on where I am on it. That it's worse that it is or anything.

Okay, then. But I said I wouldn't push, and so I'm not going to about this. You have your own relationship with Candid, such as it is, and your own problems. Unless you ask for my help with it, which would be a terrible idea, it's not my business.

You can assume that, and that's fine. I don't agree when it comes to myself. Especially when all I do is make things worse.

I'm not going to. All it's done is cause problems and I'm well and truly over it. Everyone can barely tolerate each other until the end of time and I won't mind. Better that than anyone being hurt again.

That'd feel more true if it wasn't so wrapped up in each other. But I appreciate you leaving helping to being asked simply because I don't think there's anything you can do even if you want to help.

You keep saying you make everything worse. My thoughts on that haven't changed. And I'll leave that there.

Like I said, if that's your comfort zone then I'm not pushing. I'm just removing my lack of comfort from that reason.

What do you mean by 'wrapped up in each other'?

Best to leave it there, we won't get anywhere by arguing the point.

You can't remove your lack of comfort from my considerations. You've said that it's not a factor, but it is one for me.

If MK and you hadn't fallen out and two years ago hadn't happened then things would have gone differently with Candid. If Candid was even who he became since he wouldn't have been out so often. I probably wouldn't have gotten close to him as fast if I did at all. If none of what went bad had happened then he wouldn't have hated MK to the point he had tunnel vision like that. The only thing that makes no difference here is me dating MK or not and my feelings about what happened. The rest of it is all still wrapped up together. Just...Candid is the only one who can prove that he's safer again.

You can feel like it is, but that doesn't mean it needs to be. The fact is that I would be fine, so if you need to do this it needs to be for you and not you choosing what you think is better for me. Or for them. Better for you is enough.

Are you saying that you blame me at least somewhat for what Candid tried to do in MK's heart game? It would be fair if you did. I"m just surprised since you'd be the first person to agree with me.

You say that like I can separate the two. It being better for you would be enough reason for me.

Candid made his own choices. But like everything else that happened it was for a reason that was connected to everything. That's not me blaming anyone for his actions. And it's too close together for me to just consider it a thing between me and him. Too many feelings, too much personal experience.

We're not going to agree it is, so the only one we know it will be is you. Which is all I want at the moment.

He made his own choices, but I should have seen it. I let things go because I was too comfortable to ask.

All right, if you say so.

You'd have blame if you did see it and didn't do anything. And even if you had, you didn't him the idea that a person who has had his life stolen away by a copy would just watch him do the same thing to someone else and then forgive him because love. He doesn't even have not knowing as an excuse and even if it was because he loves you so much, that isn't your responsibility. It's only connected to you because we're all connected to each other.

If I had seen it I would have stopped it, absolutely. I don't know what he was thinking that any of us would ever forgive him. I only forgave him as it is because I'd be a hypocrite of I didn't give people second chances.

But all the same, I knew he resented MK. We only talked about it the once, where he actually had something legitimate to be resentful about. It never came up again, but I should have asked. This is where me being dumb about feelings comes into play, I suppose. All I know is that... I liked it. I liked being the center of someone's attention for once. And it haunts me that because of that, I might not have delved into things as I should have, and we all almost lost MK because of it.

That still doesn't make it your fault. Him resenting MK could have shown in many ways. There's no reason that you would have to think that he'd choose that one. No reason you should have to assume the worst situation of people you care about when they seem normal.

I've only forgiven him because he didn't succeed and the bullying he was getting wasn't helping him. Told him to remind the others that tearing him down won't make things right with anyone. That I'll be waiting for him to prove he won't repeat home again, but I won't trust more than that he sees the problem and wants to change it.

You know what it like to not feel seen or to share more than you're getting. It's nice to have. That's not your fault and I doubt anyone would say you should feel bad for enjoying attention and not doing anything with what you couldn't see coming..

Thanks. I'll try to remind myself of all that.

One dramatic thing did help me to forgive him, though. During the blackout, MK must have been effected by the veil, knowing him, because I saw him running away from a group of humans that he should easily have been able to take in a fight. And Candid jumped in to save MK. Even took a bullet for him. That helped convince me that Candid was on the right path. And we've done a fair bit of talking about MK since and I haven't seen anything that concerns me. I'm keeping my ears open, that said.

But obviously you have to deal with him in the ways that are right for you, I'm not telling you this to try and change your mind. I'm just explaining my thinking.

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