castaside | Seasons Inbox

Then what is it? Because I honestly don't understand. You come and then you're so uncomfortable that it feels like you want to be anywhere else.

I feel like everything I do messes things up between us more. I'm trying not to do anything stupid so I end up not doing anything at all.

Things breaking here took multiple people and months to do. You can't mess everything up unless you're actually trying to. Especially just showing up for a movie now and then.

Obviously I can, because I did.

Every time we interact, it's something. Something that I have to apologize about later. Some way I've disappointed you.

Just because I noticed doesn't mean you messed it up or I'm disappointed. I just left it alone until now because the first few times I was hoping it was just because we hadn't done this in awhile.

And yeah, I've been disappointed and frustrated, but that's also over stuff it took more than you to cause in the first place. And it's hard not to be frustrated when the answer feels obvious or I've already done a similar version of the wrong answer, or I feel trapped and helpless. Which wasn't all you either.

If the answer feels obvious, then tell me what it is. I'm evidently shit at guessing.

I don't have obvious answers anymore. I was talking about being frustrated before because of that feeling. Sorry.

Then what do we do about this? I know that I love you, that never changed, but I don't know how to be around you anymore without digging a deeper hole. Ever since those fights with MK last year everything I do is wrong. I've gotten better at talking to most people, but with you I can't figure out which way to go.

I don't have that answer either. Downtime with people still isn't something I'm used to. All I know is I can't talk about MK problems with you anymore. So I guess anything else is fair game.

Okay, maybe we should start with: do you want to try and work things out? I do, but I'd understand if you didn't.

I do. Family was my idea because I love you. I just don't really know where I fit now.

Where would you want to fit, if you could imagine an ideal reality?

I know mine. I want what we had before my surgery, before the MK stuff. But I don't know how to get there, if it's even possible. I used to be able to tell you anything. Now I feel like I have to stand perfectly straight or I might lean in a direction that makes everything worse.

I guess I'd want things to go back to how they were. It's all I can really picture. But I know that you weren't really interested in the few things I do with myself. And I don't feel like I do anything for you so I'm worried it can't. And the things I like that you do appreciate more now are things you can have better at your main home and actually like them, so it feels pointless here.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my worry. That I'm just a worse version of everything else you have now.

You're talking about Wash, I suppose. Although honestly I go to Lucifer and my daughter and Max, weirdly enough, just as often.

I wish I never told you to try talking to Wash. I never in a million years thought that it would go badly. That's one reason that I've stopped talking.

The other is... I mean, I get it. MK is your priority. He's MK, how could I not understand that? I just have a thing about being in that situation. Where I know that I'm second, or lower or whatever, to someone or something else. It's an old problem which I'm working on, but it being an old problem means that there's no quick solution. But I do know that this is a me problem.

I meant in general. I just don't have much to offer.

The Wash thing isn't your fault. Our outlooks are different and some of the things he was trying to encourage me with made me feel the losses more instead. You were trying to help, especially since there was no one here who can understand.

MK isn't my priority. I was trying to help you both equally. But like me, he was feeling isolated starting especially while preparing for your Heart Game and hadn't had many people to talk to who could see everything going on. You've probably talked to him about that already. But I care about you just as much as I do him, and if I've given you a reason to think I don't then I need to apologize. So I'm sorry.

What exactly do you want to be able to offer?

I just wanted to help you, and I know that I can't. But telling you that Wash helped me so much only seemed to hurt you more.

...It felt really obvious to me. You yelled at me for hurting him when we had our fights, and it didn't seem like you knew that he hurt me too, by breaking his promise and twisting my words to their worst meaning at every turn. We made a deal that basically told me to stop having my own point of view about him and what he did and adopt yours, which I have done because I said I would. I couldn't see you doing the same thing to MK about me, not in a hundred years.

I don't know. It's my issue, but I feel like it was easy for you to be around when you knew I had something you could do for me. But then I feel like an obligation because you don't really get anything to enjoy.

I'm jealous that he helped so much, yeah. Because you and MK are my home. A home I picked by myself and where I felt safe and seen even if no one could really understand. And my home was falling apart, fell apart, still has pieces missing and I did fuck all to protect it because I wasn't convincing and then I wasn't told how bad the break worked. And then someone I met for a bit at Red Son's house is fixing things while everything here still felt like drowning.

It's not one-to-one. I got upset because it felt like you were blowing me off. I know a lot of how he was taking things and the ways he was trying to process things he's never felt or dealt with and what it said about him. But the same as I don't tell him what you trusted me with, I didn't want to overshare. I got upset because MK would listen and sometimes try things even if they failed or something stopped. But with you it was always that you knew MK better even though it was in things neither of you have seen and felt from him. And nothing I could say about what I knew because he's been talking to me about these feelings since he first realized he had a crush on Red Son could budge it. And then my home broke. You broke, I broke, MK broke and hurt Korone. And then broke worse and I couldn't convince you to try something different. And the more things broke the more it hurt. But I'm sorry for yelling and for not making it clear that I knew that you more clear. I thought being close and constantly worrying about your well-being made it obvious, but I should have said so instead of assuming it was.

Also, I have smacked him though. Right around the time I told you to either be honest with him or leave him alone in fact.

I didn't want the deal, I wanted to work on trust ourselves, so no I wouldn't do that with MK. Not after what happened to Wukong. But you were asking me to trust you that it would be okay and you wouldn't let anything like that happen again. But the terms of it are you be OPEN to the IDEA of trusting MK. So you just have to sincerely think about it even if you don't do it at any given time. Not to believe me wholesale just because I said so. I took that part on myself because I chose to HAVE to believe that you deciding against my advice or not convincing you on something isn't me failing you. Period. Because your willingness to at least be open meant I needed to prove that it meant something important to me.

What on earth makes you think that I don't get anything out of helping with your nightmares? I guess I never said anything to that effect before, and I haven't exactly been around lately, but when I was it was rewarding.

I don't think I'm exactly your home these days. But there's really nothing to be jealous about, you've helped me a lot. Just not lately because I've been avoiding that sort of discussion with you. Since it always seems to go sideways.

I probably was blowing you off at the time. My brain literally wasn't working right and then figuratively not working right for a long while. But anyway, I don't want you to worry about me. And I don't think that time, when I'm upset, is fruitful to talk to me about changing my behavior anyway. I close all my ears.

Also, please stop apologizing, you haven't done anything wrong.

I didn't know. About the deal being lopsided. I came away with the extremely clear thought that you wanted me to change how I thought about MK, period. I'm glad it meant something to you, though. And I hope that my agreeing to a deal showed you how serious I am about making things better.

The fact that you come away confused when we talk about it and you just kind of tolerate the things I use to cope when I feel like sharing.

You're still my family, so you're still home. I know you've said I had helped a lot, but that doesn't say anything about now. Or the last nearly two years even before we basically stopped talking. And unfortunately not being jealous when a new family appears and do everything I am nicer and better. I can be happy for you and still be jealous that I was here first and can't do as good. That part is okay.

It's a hard habit to break, but I'm trying. People do or double down on bad stuff if they stay caught up in stress and guilt. Like MK planning murder over me.

Agree to disagree? You said I made you feel like your pain and the things MK did wrong weren't being taken into account. I wasn't clear that I saw and wanted your pain to stop too. That feels wrong of me so I wanted to.

I would never force you to change your thoughts that way. I just want you to trust me more, so that's what I asked for. I guess that counts as I thing for where I want to be. I want you to be able to trust me as much as I do you. Not as much as your new family I guess, but yeah.

And it did show that, yeah.

That's not true. I like hot chocolate now. And it's not like I have to love fried peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to care about you and how you are.

I've been a shitty home, then. And they haven't done anything better, they've just been there when I was too uncomfortable to approach you. It's a me thing, not a them versus you thing.

I understand very well that you're only trying to help. But I've learned what I need in those moments and it's not advice. It's somewhere I can go and bitch who will maybe help distract me a little. I'm not going to want to take care of myself until I can calm down enough to hear you. After a few minutes of someone listening to me whine like an infant with appropriately gentle responses, I can accept constructive criticism.

In that case, I accept your apology. Even though I really didn't need one.

You asked me if I knew what the deal included before we made it, and I said something like "not believing you when you talk about MK, not taking your advice, or thinking you were wrong about him in any way" and you added "and that it was an accident that MK is reacting to as guiltily as if he did it on purpose". I remember it clearly because I knew it was very important. Then you repeated that I was going to trust your judgment about MK and you were going to trust my judgment that not being able to help doesn't mean failure. It seems pretty clear to me that you did want me to adopt your thinking. And I have.

Can you stop comparing you and me to me and them, please? It's not fair to anyone. My relationship with you is separate from them. My relationship with each of them is separate from each other. And when you compare like that it definitely feels to me like you won't be happy until you have a better relationship with me than any of them, and/or that you look at them as the cause of our troubles. I know that's not what you intend, but that's how it feels. Can we just... compare our relationship now to our relationship as we want it to be? That's a lot more productive.

Anyway, I made that deal because I wanted to show you that I would and do trust you. It wasn't easy to change my mind about the telepathy incident, but I did. I'm trying as much as I know how.

Edited 2025-12-15 16:12 (UTC)

Liking nice hot chocolate isn't the same as liking the plain stuff that's just powder and water, but fair if you say you do in general now. And I don't expect you to love it or anything. But sometimes it feels like you're barely neutral about them is all. That's the part of my brain that can't grow up.

Skipping down real fast because it feels connected. It's not about a comparison, not fully. And I literally said it's not about having a better relationship than them, so please remember that. It's feeling like I built something for once and it was nice and felt as safe as things can feel, after being ripped away from what I had twice already. But then it kept falling apart after I let my guard down but I couldn't fix it no matter what I tried, and then a professional team moves in next door and builds a sturdier bigger version that feels a lot like what I was going for. It's not that they're the problem, or that I want to come first or to have the best relationship of all. It's feeling like the only reason there's a chance to pick things up is because they have the stronger supports. What I want is to get to a point where it feels more like a different but just as good flavor, instead of feeling like I'm on a waitlist to have my feelings be understood and considered sometimes...and that not being considered is normal I guess. Because everyone says that I deserve to be considered or thought of, but when it doesn't happen it feels normal to me. That's not a competition or a straight comparison for us to them. It's more of one to where things ended up seeing what I want through the window but I still don't even know how to define what we are besides family. And my good memories of what a family even is are 15 years and a lot of trauma away from where I am now. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but that what I'm working through along with just being here whenever you want to be here because I didn't know what else to do anymore.

Seems like we both dropped the ball on each other. I can't promise that I can only listen when it involves things that strongly affect me too. So for now we should probably avoid those and stick to things I have a little bit of distance from. I can listen to you vent about those without trying to fix it.

I remember that was one part of how it was broken down. But we had more than one conversation before then where I said that the issue was you turning me down so fast that I felt not even considered as trusted or worth listening to. And I broke down the deal out loud one final time before sealing it after you gave that answer. Just to be safe. Work on trust. Be clear on things before taking them negatively. You trust my judgment and be more open to trusting MK, which is why I specifically used the word Open. I trust not being able to help you not meaning that I failed you and/or that you didn't consider my input. You said that sounded right, and that's what I locked in.

And I'm grateful for that. That's why I took the deal the way I did. You didn't waver and were taking what felt like a dangerous step and I needed to meet that equally because I want this to work.

It's all hot chocolate, Cole. It feels like you're splitting hairs. I don't care that much about how good it is. I'll sit and drink it with you if you need me to. I can't promise that I'll be 100% comfortable at first but if we try it enough I'll relax.

Right, that's why I said that I know that you don't intend to imply that you want a better relationship. But to me, they do things a certain way and you do things a certain way, neither is better or worse, it's just that their way is what I'm used to right now. It's not to say that I couldn't get used to your way again and have it be just as good. I just need time for that. A lot of that time isn't going to feel easy or comfortable in the beginning, but I'm willing to get through it.

But I do hate that I made you feel like your feelings don't matter. Can you give me an example that's not MK related, since I know that subject is closed now? I'm not denying that I hurt you, it just helps me to have specifics so I know what not to do. And something being too close to you, is that why you reacted the way you did when Lucifer was gone? What would be an example, real or made up, of a problem I could have that doesn't get too close to you? I just need to have some idea of what I'm doing here.

I see the problem, I didn't consider your reiteration of the deal to be any different than what I said right before that. I didn't think "more open" meant just trying to see your view, I thought it meant accepting it as fact.

At least we agree that we want this to work enough to make that deal. It's a start.

I'm a Lost stuck between being an adult and a child. Splitting hairs because it's not the same happens sometimes. You see it as the same thing, but I can't. I can only respect that you enjoy it the same either way and that comfort can happen again.

My issue there is that saying whether I intend to imply basically says the implication is there anyway. Which is why I need to be clear that my words don't imply that. Because I have accidentally implied things by not being clearer. I know this is going to take time, but I don't want any misunderstanding about where I am, where you are, or what that means. I don't want you to feel like you have to push yourself if you aren't feeling it because then none of us really enjoys it. And I don't want you to feel that me being jealous is because I blame them or think they deserve less than you're giving them, or anything remotely close to that.

The problem is that being home and family and safety are all tied in, most of the hurt ties back to MK stuff. The furthest from that I guess is you hearing that I suffered not knowing how seriously my home foundation was cracked because people didn't think about the possible consequences to people who have to pick up the pieces. And you said that it shouldn't have been thought of. And when I said why I wasn't planning to meet Lott, which was me doing exactly what I felt should have been done because I knew something bad was mostly likely going to happen if I did, you decided that what I was talking about wouldn't be unintended if if happened. It felt like me suffering didn't matter but also that I'd still be a bad person over an accident. Which I already know I'm not really a good person even though I'm trying to be.

And yeah, I was worried about Lucifer, and knowing that you were worried and when you worry you run yourself into the ground and beat yourself up makes me worry even more. Especially because it never feels like you slow back down for long. And I couldn't do anything to help but check, and it not being my fault that I can't help you isn't on me it still feels awful and frustrating...because a lot of the time you suggest things to me or tell me that you think it would be better if I do them then I do even when I really don't want to. And I didn't want to say it, but you got annoyed, and it being Autumn meant that since you wanted to know I have to be transparent or lose my home Autumn powers.

We used to talk about Wukong stuff just fine. And it didn't ever feel like I was being pushy, just that I could give some perspective, like that day you found him laying in his nest not moving.

I find that using what you know about a person's nature is the best way to judge intent. Maybe I need to look for what I did to give the impression that I'd ever expect that from you. But we're here now and we'll keep working on it together since we want to go back to how things were as much as possible.

But you're assigning a negative meaning to something that I find neutral. This is part of probably why we have so many troubles right now. It connects to me giving you suggestions of what to do, talk to Wash and talk to Donnie, all that. I don't think I understand you very well at all. I want to.

But I'm done with the suggestions for you. They never helped, and they made things worse. It's just, by way of explaining why I asked you to speak with Donnie... even though I disagree strongly with how he confronted MK, he's my kid. I have to be on his side. I can talk to him, ask him to apologize, try and make sure that it never happens again to the best of my ability, but my kids have to be my priority in all things. If you two are at odds, that's where I have to land. And I don't want to be at odds with you anymore. That's why I asked you to talk to him rather than just be angry indefinitely. And why the implication of you hurting Lott was something I took in a way that you didn't intend.

My kids are on my case to pick a birthday for myself because I can't remember mine, and I keep refusing because I know that there's no way that everyone I love can be in the same room together and not have it be weird. And maybe that's just how it is, and I need to get used to it, but right now it's a struggle to know that. It's a struggle to have to calculate how much time I spend at each location and how everyone is going to feel about that. And to know that if I accidentally slip up and hurt MK again, I'm also hurting you, which makes me sometimes stilted or avoidant of my mate when I can't be absolutely sure that I can walk the straight and narrow. I haven't got all this right in my mind yet.

I'm sorry, though. That I made you do things that you didn't want to do. I'm going to try my best to stop. I'll never be thrilled about how divided everyone is, but I can stop trying to force it. And for whatever it's worth, you have every right to tell me no and there not be an argument about it from me.

The lack of slowing down isn't my choice, it's because something is always happening. Letting go of my anger and tapping into some vulnerability means that I am pretty much stuck wallowing when bad things happen, at least for a little while. And, truth be told, when those bad things happen I just don't want to feel better. I want to be hurting. You're probably never going to get me to actually feel better, no matter what. I'm sorry, really. But if we're this far apart about the me taking care of myself when shit is stressful, we probably just shouldn't interact when I'm in the thick of it? And I should be better able to tell you that it's not a good time rather than let the exchange go on and frustrate both of us... something like: if you can't help, it's not a conversation we should be having?

I do worry that bad things happening so often combined with the divide between you and MK on one side and my kids and their household on another means that this just makes a lot of my life off-limits to you. So I'm not sure what you think about it. Maybe there's a better solution than avoiding each other when I'm a mess. I'm open to suggestions.

No, I'm making an admission of how I see things. I like the nice hot chocolate more because to me it tastes better. I like my hot chocolate more, but not because I'd say it's good. Same for coffee. So I can't see it as the same. I can't feel neutral about it, but you can which means that it's good news.

I talked to Wash when he came to me because I didn't think there was anything wrong with the idea and being a little jealous wasn't really a reason not to talk if it could be good. But I talked to Donnie even though I really didn't want to because it put your mind at ease to know I wasn't just building resentment instead of clearing the air...but I had no expectations I'd feel better because it's very clear that we're emotionally very different in a way that I might never be able to lower my guard and risk deeper hurt. And that's not fine, but it is how things are. It's normal.

I can't fully make peace with you being on their side in all things for a number of reasons that include both being the responsible adult and seeing the result of a single side being taken in all things. But I can make peace with your kids coming first in all things in general. That's its own conversation on things I can't really make anyone understand though. So I won't try here because it's not fair to you.

I've been able to be in that house perfectly fine, party or otherwise and at the beach, so you could have a birthday and invite everyone. Or do what some people do and celebrate on a day close to your birthday with the rest of us if you feel that uneasy about it. Birthdays are important to most people and most of us will do what we need to to make it genuinely enjoyable to the best of our abilities no matter which you choose.

As far as the two households, for me it's going to be awhile before I can drop my guard. Because my home and safety were shattered and still on the mend due to...multiple people's actions and my inaction from both knowing and being in the dark. But I haven't felt a positive change from any of what happened. That's all you and them, MK and them, and you and MK. But not me. I'm not as upset anymore, and I'm not holding any grudges or anything. Not even against Lott. But their mindsets about some not insignificant things (to me) mean that I need to have my guard up about how close I let them and be ready for it to hurt. But I can be as normal and not-awkward as I am anywhere else when I'm around them. MK you can speak to about it if you want, but he's basically fine with them and just keeps things simple. So I don't really see the issue with having us all together for a few hours at least one day out of the year.

I'm not sure how to help about your time division though. I basically just take what I get when you drop by home or work. I'd come if you asked and just hang out so long as there's a space I'm not touching anyone else.

If I say no I won't do something, I feel like I need a reason. A real one. And sometimes that reason isn't going to happen until I do it. I don't mind you suggesting things. The first thing you ever suggested is why were even here in the first place. It's the best thing I never said no to.

I can just stop asking about your self-care since I know the answer and it's just going to be how things are for the foreseeable future. That might be the safer option. You can talk to me about things when you're ready and just tell me if you're just venting or I can actually do something for you. That's about all I can think of right now. It's not an active solution, but we can't break it if I don't open that door.

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